CORN ROWS LOOK STUPID ON WHITE GIRLS
Leigh Hughes

Sissy says toilet paper makes better titties than socks do. She says it's softer and looks more natural. She's plain full of crap, though. 'Cause her titties look faker than Dolly Parton's. She wears her hip huggers and her Candie's shoes and her giant toilet paper titties and prances around like she's on Solid Gold. She went to the beauty parlor the other day and got her hair all braided up like Bo Derek's. Corn rows, it's called, and they braid your hair all tight to your head, and even put little beads in it. I think it looks far out, but Mama said only Sissy could get hers done, on account of I'm too young.

So, right after Sissy got her corn rows done, we were riding the bus home from school and we were sittin' in front of Gene McQueen. 'Cept we call him Bug Eyes, ‘cause he's got these big old bug eyes that look like they're gonna pop right out of his head. Well, he likes Sissy. We know because he told Jimmy, and then Jimmy told his sister Bobbie, who is best friends with Wanda. Then Wanda told me, and I told Sissy that Bug Eyes liked her.

Anyway, this one day, Bug Eyes tapped Sissy on her shoulder. He sits right behind us on the bus. Which we hate, 'cause he stinks on top of having them huge flies’ eyes. And this one day, he got sent home during lice check and couldn't come back to school for like a week. When he did get to come back, he had his caramel-colored head shaved like Kojak and this one boy, Derek Barnhill asked him where his lollipop was, and this other boy Chris Jackson, kept asking him, "who loves ya, baby?" And that made Bug Eyes cry, I think. At least that's what Jimmy said. It almost made me cry, too, because I felt really sorry for him. His big bald head just made his eyes look like they wanted to explode even more.

So when Bug Eyes tapped Sissy on her shoulder on the bus, she turned around all fast-like and screamed "WHAT!" right in his face, and her braids whipped around a couple seconds behind her head and then the beads went clickety-clack. And then his eyes got even bigger and turned all red, and I think I saw a tear about to come out, but he was being really super brave and stuff. He must have had some crazy strong eye control cause he was able to suck it right back up inside, like his tear ducts were straws or something. It was pretty cool. So she screams "WHAT!" right at him, right? And then he kinda sniffles, and looks kinda scared and says, "never mind."

Then Sissy turns completely around and sits up on her knees, crosses her arms on the back of the seat. She rests her chin on her arms and just stares him right in his big old eyes. She smacks on her gum and blows this huge pink bubble. It might have even been the biggest bubble I've ever seen. But she blows it all slow-like because I guess she didn't want it to pop or whatever. And Bug Eyes' eyes just keep on getting bigger, and bigger, and I swear this time they was comin' right out like the guy on "That's Incredible" the other night. But they don't, 'cause just as soon as they started to leave their sockets, the big bubble pops and Sissy starts sucking the gum back in her mouth, and scraping it off her lips with her glued-on fingernails. I was waiting for one of them stupid nails to pop off and fly across the aisle, and I was gonna laugh so hard I'd pee my pants. But she was lucky though, as always, 'cause they stayed on.

"Bug Eyes," she says, "do you like me?"

Poor Bug Eyes.

"Um," he says. But he doesn't move.

Sissy goes, "well, I heard you liked me."

Blink. Blink.

"So do you?" Sissy just steady smacks her gum and bats her eyes at him, like she's Ginger on Gilligan's Island.

Blink.

"I used to," he finally says.

"What on earth do you mean, you used to?" Smack. Smack. Smack.

Blink.

"It's just that, well..." Blink. "Corn rows look stupid on white girls."

Sissy turned back around in her seat, real fast, and faced the front. And I could tell she was mad, 'cause I see that same scrunched up face when she catches me listening to her records or trying on her clothes. And her eyes were all big and red, but her ducts weren't made of straws, apparently, because her tears fell.

Me, well, I hid my giant smile, because I knew that Sissy would kick my butt when we got home if I didn't. But that was one of the best days of my life, 'cause that was the day I realized that me and old Bug Eyes, I mean Gene, were made for each other.

© Leigh Hughes 2004

Leigh Hughes is a talentless hack who is really good at starting things but not finishing them. She does, however, occasionally strike a peculiar favor from the gods and has had several pieces published in very highly regarded places (including this one).

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