Eric got the feeling that his girlfriend
wasn't being as faithful as she claimed
EXPAT JOKES > SICK JOKES
ONE LINERS
A bloke with two left feet is going on holiday, he bough a pair of flip-flips
A gunman has been going around London shooting Sikhs. They are calling him the Turbanator!
A man phoned up work one day and told his boss he was sick. His boss asked ,"How sick are you? He replied, "Well I'm in bed with my six year old daughter.
An ancient tampon was found in the caves today. The archaeologists are not sure which period it's from.
Bloke sitting on a bed doing a crossword, asks out loud, "How do you spell paedophile?" voice replies, "I don't know, I'm only 8."
Did you hear about the leper ice hockey game that was called to a halt? There was a face off in the corner
Did you hear about the new deodorant called Umpire? It's for foul balls.
Did you hear about the spastic who won the disco dance competition? He only got up to get a packet of crisps
Did you hear about the thalidomide porn star? He had an arm like a babies cock
How did herpes leave the hospital? On crutches
How did the leper fail his driving test? He left his foot on the clutch!
How did the leper stop the card game? He threw in his hand
How do you fit 100 Germans into a small hotel? On an Air France Concorde
How do you get a black man out of a tree in Alabama? Cut the rope!
How do you identify a head nurse? Look for dirty knees.
How do you tell if you have acne? A blind man can read your face.
My wife's unlucky, a day after she lost her baby she won a pram in a raffle.
Two paedophiles sunbathing. One goes to the other, "Will you get out of my son!"
Two pieces of puke were walking down the road, one says to the other, "This is where I was brought up."
What can you use old tampons for? Tea bags for vampires.
What did the worm say to the caterpillar? What did you do to get that fur coat?
What do a virgin and a hemophiliac have in common? One prick and its all over!
What do you call a bull that's playing with himself? Beef Stronkenoff.
What do you call a cow that has had an abortion? Decalfinated.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a man hiding under a pile of leaves? Russell.
What do you call a man in the sea with no arms or legs? Bob.
What do you call a man wearing a condom full of sand and accompanied by a monkey? An organ grinder.
What do you call a man with a 1 inch willy? Justin
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack.
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff
What do you call a man with a shovel on his head? Doug
What do you call a man with his dick in a biscuit tin? Fucking crackers
What do you call a man with his dick in a chip pan? A fat fucker.
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? A. Full up.
What do you call two Chinese paedophile brothers? Fuk M Yung and Po Kum Yung
What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion? A piece of ass that will bring tears to your eyes.
What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner? The cold shoulder.
What does a Jewish paedophile say? "Hello little boy, Do you want to buy a sweet?"
What does N.A.S.A.stand for? Need another seven astronauts.
What have the Zebrugge ferry and a prostitute got in common? They both go down with their flaps open.
What in worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
What kind of file makes holes bigger? A Paedophile.
What's pink and goes up and down in a pram? A paedophile's arse.
What's a hundred yards long and smells of piss? A: The Dole Office queue on a Thursday morning.
What's better than winning gold at the paralympics? Walking!
What's black and red and has a hard time getting through a revolving door? A nun with a spear through her head.
What's blue and doesn't fit? A dead epileptic
What's blue and fucks grannies? Hypothermia
What's black and-crispy and comes on a stock? Joan of Arc.
What's black, pink and hairy and sits on a, wall? Humpty Cunt
What's brown and has holes in it? Swiss shit!
What's brown and sounds like a doorbell? Dung.
What's green and red and goes 1000 miles an hour? A frog In a blender.
What's green and smells like pork? Kermit's finger.
What's grosser than gross? When you kiss your grandmother and she slips you the tongue!
What's invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny farts.
What's long and stiff and turns women on? Elvis
What's old and wrinkled and smells of ginger? Fred Astaire's face.
What's the difference between chicken and meat? If you beat a chicken it will die.
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.
What's the worst thing about licking a bald fanny? Forgetting to change the nappy first.
What's the worst thing about fucking a bald pussy. Putting the nappy back on
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Where you left it.
Why did they call off the lepers' hockey game? There was a face off in the corner
Why does Helen Keller have yellow legs? Her dog was blind, too.
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with only one hand? So she can moan with the other
Why don't chickens wear underwear? Because their peckers are on their face.
Why don't pygmies wear tampons? They keep stepping on the string.
Why haven't they cremated Colonel Sanders yet? They can't decide whether to do him regular or extra crispy.
Eric got the feeling that his girlfriend
wasn't being as faithful as she claimed
A man wakes up in his bed one morning with a stinking hangover. He looks to his left and a stunning blonde is lying there, she sees him, jumps on him and screws him
senseless. She then goes to the toilet. So he gets up to check his wallet, thinking he has been robbed. To his surprise his wallet is full of £50 notes. He wonders what the hells going on, so he
takes a look outside the bedroom window, he sees that the Klu Klux Klan are outside. With that a genie appears.
Genie. "Do you remember anything about last night?"
Guy. "No"
Genie. "Well last night you found a lamp, rubbed it, I appeared and granted you three wishes:
Your 1st wish, you asked for a beautiful blonde in your bed.
Your 2nd wish, you asked for a wallet full of money.
Your 3rd wish, you asked to be hung like a black man.
So what's your problem?
A little girl is standing by the edge of a cliff crying her eyes out. This man comes over and says, "What's wrong little girl?" The little girl still crying just points over to the edge of the cliff. The man looks over the edge and sees a car with the little girls parents mangled in the rocks below. The man turns round and undoing his flies says, "I guess it just ain't your lucky day"!!!
Quasimodo was found at the bottom of Notre dame cathedral. The police were called and asked Esmirelda what happened, she replied, "I don't know, he just asked me to toss him off!"
A woman bought a mirror at a car boot sale. She mounted it on the wall, then she said, "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, make my bust a forty four. There was a flash of light and her bust
was a forty four.
Her husband came home, saw the transformation and asked how she'd done it. She told him, so he went to the mirror and said, "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, make my dick touch the floor!" There
was a flash of light and his legs fell off.
A man was walking along the beach one evening, and he saw a woman with no arms and no legs, and she was crying. He walked over and asked what was wrong. She replied, "I'm 21 years old,
I've got no arms or legs and I've never been kissed".
Feeling sorry for her he bent down and kissed her.
Later on he saw her crying again. He asked her what was wrong, and she replied, "I'm 21 years old, I've got no arms or legs and I've never been fucked."
So he picks her up and throws her into the sea, saying, "You're fucked now lady!"
A girl and some friends were going to the cinema, the girl had to go and ask her dad if she could go. He replied, "You can go to the cinema if you suck my dick," the girl said , "No way!" but after a while she thought about it and decided she wanted to go, so she went back in and sucked his dick. After she had finished she turned to her dad and said, "Your dick tastes of shit!" He replied, "I know, your brother wanted to go out as well".
A man goes to the tattooist and asked for a tattoo of a butterfly on each cheek of his bum. The tattooist said that he couldn't do butterflies, but he could do bees. The man thought about it for a while and then agreed. When they were complete he rushed home to show his wife who said, "Very nice dear, who's Bob?"
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs him that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and
raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders the biggest, strongest drink for the boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swooop! A
torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent, then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father shocked, begs the son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender still shakes his head in
dismay. Swooop! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole
affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks god.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.. then to the right.. right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "that boy should have quit while he was a head."
FRED WEST
HOME IMPROVEMENTS
If you want the best. try West!!!
We make no bones about it, we put body and soul into our properties
Don’t have grave doubts most of Fred’s family have been into patio’s, bathrooms, fireplaces, etc. for years.
Wife and kids under your feet?
Why not try a West special extension
We knock all competition dead!
Contact: WEST HOME IMPROVEMENTS
25 Cromwell Road
GLOUCESTER
(References available from Gloucester C.I.D.)
Sponsored by Quick Mix Cement & Pollyfilla
You just lie down. We provide the cover.
(10 Mar 1994, Fred West, builder, charged with murdering 8 women after bodies dug from his house in Gloucester)
Peter Sutcliff picks up a girl in his car. Straight away he puts his hand up her skirt and touches her fanny. She says, "You can cut that out now!" "That'll come later", he says.
Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be.
The first one stopped and took a pill. "What was that?" The others asked her.
"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy."
A few minutes later, another woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked.
"Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong." They continued knitting.
Finally the third woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her.
"It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this fucking sweater!"