EXPAT JOKES > RACIAL > NON-BRITISH JOKES Apologies in advance)

ONE LINERS

What do you call a Spanish woman with one tooth? Juanita (Pronounced won-eater)
What does a Spanish prostitute do? Never let a dago bye
What do Mexicans put under their carpets? Underlay, Underlay.
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.
What do you call a Chinaman eating his meal with one chopstick? Fucking clever
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong.
Why are there so many Chinese in Harrow? Because when they arrive at the airport, they say, "Harrow taxi driver".
What do you call a disabled Chinese prostitute? Cash and Carry
What do you call a Chinese woman with no legs? Dragon lips
What's the difference between the French and a piece of toast? You can make soldiers out of toast.
What did the cannibal do when he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his arse!
What do you call a Pakistani between two houses? Ali
What do you call a Pakistani coming out of a disco? Bin Dan Singh
What do you call a Pakistani with one leg? Balan Singh
What do you call a Pakistani Elvis impersonator? Amall Shookup.
What do you call a Pakistani without a corner shop? Doctor
What do you call two gay Pakistanis? Ram It and Jam It
Why do Australians cal their beer XXXX? Because they can't spell beer.
If you take an Chinese person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
A Pakistani was in Leeds, a man stopped him and said, "is there a B & Q in Leeds?" the Pakistani replies, "No just two Es, an L, a D and an S"

A gypsy was talking to his pal, he said, "If I could win the lottery I would send my son to school." Next week he wins £7 million. He enrolls his son in the most expensive school. After the first day his son comes home and says, "Dad, I was the only one who could count to five, is that because I'm a gypsy?" He replies, "Yes son." The second day he comes home, "Dad, I was the only one who knew a, b, c, d, is that because I am a gypsy?" He replies, "Yes son." The third day he had training and a shower after, he said, "Dad, my willy was a lot bigger than all the other boys, is that because I'm a gypsy?" Dad replies, "No son, that's because you are 27 !!!"

A Texan Guide To Life

1. Don't squat with your spurs on.
2. Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
3. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
4. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
5. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
6. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
7. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
8. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
9. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
10. Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.
11. Always drink upstream from the herd.
12. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
13. When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

A man playing golf drove the ball into his neighbour's garden. He went to ask his Japanese neighbour for the ball the Jap said, "Sorry, old Japanese custom say possession nine tenths of law." The man replied, "Well mate, an old English custom is that we take it in turns to kick each other in the bollocks, me first, and the last man standing gets to keep the ball". "OK says the Jap, so the Englishman kicks him in the balls as hard as he can and says, "You can keep the ball mate!"

A coloured gentleman runs into the doctors singing and dancing.
Doctor: "Have you taken anything?"
Coloured: "Yes, I've had a few ecstasy tablets and now I can't stop running around"
Doctor: "Here take some of these tablets"
Five minutes later the man is calm and sitting down
Coloured: "Those were good tablets, what were they?"
Doctor: "DAZ tablets, they stop coloureds from running

A little boy and girl go trick or treating.
They knock on the door of this house and the man who answers it says, "well, you two are awfully cute. Who are you supposed to be?"
"We're Jack and Jill" she replied.
The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!"
So they go off and a while later they come back dressed differently.
They ring the doorbell once again and the man opens the door. "Well now that is just darn cute. What are you this time?"
"We're Hansel and Gretel" says the little boy.
"Well I hate to disapoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and Gretel because you're black!"
Heads hung low, they leave,. Not too much later the man hears the doorbell ring again. This time when he opens the door there stand the same two children, but this time they are buck naked.
"Oh my! And just what are you supposed to be now?!
"Chocolate M & Ms," says the little girl. "I'm plain…He's got nuts.

Big game hunter. "Boy, go to that river and get some water"
Porter. "Boss, there's crocodiles in dat der river!"
Big game hunter. "Boy, them crocodiles are probably twice as afraid of you as you are of them!"
Porter. "Boss, if them crocodiles is only half as scared of me as I am of them then that water ain't fit to drink!"

Three Chinese gentlemen at the pearly gates.
God says, "You have to lift a big rock before you can come in."
The first one lifts a big rock, and is allowed straight in
The second one lifts a big rock, and is allowed straight in
The third one can't lift the big rock,
God says, "You are the weakest Chink, Goodbye!"

Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living in Arkansas out on the farm up in the hills. Pa has found out that the hole for the outhouse is full.
He goes in the house and tells Ma he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole. Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the youngin down the road??? He must be smart because he is a college graduate."
So Pa drives down to the neighbors. He ask him " Mr. College graduate, my hole for the outhouse is full and I don't know what to do to empty it."
The youngin tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Light them both under the
outhouse. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air.
The second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm and fertilize your ground. The outhouse will then come back down to the same spot and you will have an empty hole for the outhouse."
Pa thanks the neighbor and picks up two sticks of dynamite at the
hardware store, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.
He goes home and puts them under the corner of the outhouse.
He lights them and then runs behind a tree.
All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the
outhouse!! BOOM!! Off goes the first stick of dynamite and shoots the outhouse in the air. BOOM!! Off goes the second stick of dynamite and spreads the poop all across the farm. The outhouse comes crashing back down on the hole. Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right??!!"
As she pulls up her pants she says, "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen."

The ozzie sheep farmer's son was in his hotel room when someone knocked the door, when he answered it there was this beautiful young blonde standing there.
She said "your father has paid me to spend a night of pure sex as he's had such a good day at the market. "He let her in and started to pile the furniture against the walls.
When asked why he replied "I've never had sex with a woman before , but if they're anything like kangaroos they need lots of room!"

An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek islands.
Jill, the Australian barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent.
Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit.
At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to have sex with him.
Although she is attracted to him she says no.
He then offers to pay her £200 for the deed.
Jill is traveling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks her if she will sleep with him again for £200.
She figures 'in for a penny in for a pound' - and it was fantastic the night before - so she agrees.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar.
But this night he orders a beer and just goes to sits in the corner.
Jill is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention.
She goes over and sits next to him. She asks where he is from and he tells her Melbourne.
"So am I." she says, "What suburb in Melbourne?"
"Glen Iris," he says.
"This is unbelievable," she says, "What number?" he says "Number 20"
"you are not going to believe this," she says, "I'm from number 22 and my parents still live there."
"I know, your father gave me $1000 to give to you!"

He who drinks Australian, thinks Australian!

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a 'redneck' joke?"
The guy next to him replies, "Before you tell that joke you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs. and a redneck. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", 225 lbs. and a redneck. The fella next to him is 6'5", 250 lbs. and a redneck. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The first guy says, "Nah. I don't want to have to explain it three times."

AFGHAN SPICE GIRLS

Veiled Spice   Hidden Spice   Masked Spice
Covered Spice   Obscured Spice

West Virginia
What line do you use to pick up an West Virginian? “Nice tooth.”
How can you tell if a West Virginian is married? There’s dried chewing tobacco down both sides of the pickup truck.
What are reruns of “Hee Haw” called in West Virginia? Documentaries.
What is an Armadillo called in West Virginia? 'Possum on the half shell.
Where was the toothbrush invented? West Virginia. Anywhere else and it would have been called a teethbrush.
West Virginia State Trooper: “Got any ID?” Motorist: “’Bout what?”
Why did O.J. Simpson want the trial moved to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA.
New law in West Virginia: After a divorce, the couple can still remain first cousins.
What do hurricanes in Florida; tornados in Kansas and divorces in West Virginia have in common? Somebody is fixin’ to lose trailers.

A professor at the University of West Virginia was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hands.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Billy Ray raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Billy Ray, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Billy Ray replied, "Shiiiiit!!! From way back thar I thought you said, "Goats"!!

Dear Billy Joe Bob,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven't seen it since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

Love and kisses,

Your favorite aunt

Three men, an American, a German, and a Frenchman, completely drunk, after a late night dinner, are having a conversation: The American: “In my country we have buildings that are over 1000-floor high1” The German says: “In my country, we have highways that go straight for over a thousand miles!” The Frenchman says: “When I have an erection, my dick is so long, 14 eagles can perch on it!” The following day, the three men, admitting too much alcohol told the truth: The American said: “You know, really, some of our buildings might go over 100-floor high, but no more.” The German says: “You know, really, some highways might go 200 miles straight; but no more.” The Frenchman said: “You know, really, when I have an erection, the 14th eagle has only one leg on it.”

Chinese Blow Job

One Liners, (Sorry If I Missed You)

Jewish

• Why are Jewish men circumcised? Jewish women won't buy anything unless it's 20% off.
• What do you get when you cross a Jewish American Princess and a computer? A computer that never goes down on you.
• How was copper wire invented? By two Jews fighting over a penny.
• What's a Jewish American Princess's favourite line? I wanna go to Palm Springs.
• How does a Jewish American Princess do it doggie style? Makes him beg for an hour.
• How do you know if a Jewish American Princess has an orgasm? She drops her nail file.
• What's the difference between a Jewish American Princess and Jelly? Jelly moves when you eat it.

Texan

• How do you circumcise a Texan? Kick his sister on the chin.
• What does a Texan chick say after sex? "Get off me dad, you're crushing my smokes."

Mexican

• What do you get when you cross a Mexican and an octopus? I don't know, but it sure picks tomatoes.
• What do you get when you cross a Mexican with a Vietnamese? A car thief that can't drive
• What's 6 miles long and goes 4 miles an hour? A Mexican funeral with one set of jumper leads.
• Why do Mexicans have noses? For something to pick in the wintertime.
• Why are scientists breeding Mexicans instead of rats for experiments? They multiply faster and you don't get as attached to them.
• What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an Italian? A guy who makes you an offer you can't understand.
• Why did the cops take the 911 emergency number off the back of their cars? The Mexicans kept stealing them, thinking they were Porsches.
• Why don't Mexicans barbecue? Because the beans keep slipping through the grill.
• Did you hear about the two Mexicans on "That's Incredible"? One had car insurance and the other was an only child.

Blacks

• Why do black people want to move to Thailand? So they can be called tycoons.
• What do you get when you cross a Negro with an Irishman? A Lepracoon.
• How do we know that god hates Negro's ? He put pubic hairs on their heads.
• Who are the two most famous black women in history? Aunt Jemima and Mutha Fuckah.
• Did you hear that the KKK bought the movie rights to "Roots"? They're going to play it backward so it has a happy ending.
• What do you call a black man working in a tree? A branch manager.
• Why do blacks keep chickens? To teach their kids how to walk.
• Why did God invent the climax? So Negro's would know when to stop fucking.
• Why don't blacks like blowjobs? They don't like ANY job.
• What's long, black and smelly? The unemployment line.
• What's black, has white eyes and knocks on glass? A Negro in a Microwave.
• What's the difference between white fairy tales and black fairy tales? White fairy tales starts, "Once upon a time....." Black fairy tales starts, "Yo, you motherfuckers ain't gonna believe this shit....."

Polish

• Did you hear about the Polish lesbian? She loved men.
• What's the most useless thing on a Polish woman's body? A Polish man.
• Why don't Pollacks eat M&M's? They have a hard time peeling them.
• What did the Pollack do with his first 50p piece? He married her.
• Why are there no gynecologists in Poland? Because they don't know how to read lips.
• What do Polish women do when they're done sucking cock? Spit out the feathers.

ANY OTHERS RACES (apologies if I missed anyone)

• What do you call two Vietnamese in a Trans-Am? Gooks of hazard.
• A Have you heard about the new Oriental cookbook? 101 ways to Wok your dog.
• What do you get when you cross a Japanese lady with a Chinese lady? A broad that sucks laundry.
• What do you call a Filipino contortionist? A Manila. folder.
• What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob? You know she'll swallow.

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