EXPAT JOKES > RACIAL > BRITISH - (Apologies in advance)

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman.......
IRISH
SCOTS
WELSH (see Animals)
ENGLISH

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman.......

There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:

• 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
• 2 French men and 1 French woman
• 2 German men and 1 German woman
• 2 English men and 1 English woman
• 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on the beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere:

• The 1st Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.....
• The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois"....
• The 2 German men have a rigid weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman....
• The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman....
• The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex was in the picture, because it got sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut - whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any!

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies.
While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices."
The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a tenner. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers."
Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments."
With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a fiver. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."
Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others. Simply a lack of allowance.
The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a comb. At least you can tidy yourself up a bit."

Three convicts - an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman, were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, the Scotsman turned to the Englishman and said, "So pal - whadda bring with yer?"
The Englishman pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Picasso of Prison". Then he asked the Scotsman, "So, my good man -what did you bring?"
The Scotsman pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."
The Irish convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and the Englishman asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The Irishman pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating....................."

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Scotsman were on a long train journey. As time passed conversation turned, as it always does, to sex. More time passed and they discussed how to turn women on.
'Well' said the Englishman, 'I cover my wife's important little places with honey and lick it off, very, very slowly'. It drives my wife into ecstasy every time.
'Me' said the Frenchman 'I tickle my wife in those important little places with a feather. it drives her absolutely wild'.
'Well' says the Scotsman, 'I throw my wife on the bed, shag her senseless, whip my cock out and wipe it on the curtains. it drives her fucking mental'.

THE IRISH COLLECTION

'Your glass is empty. Want another?' asked Pat. 'Now, why the hell would I be wanting two empty glasses?' snorted Mick.
A crowd of people running down the road, Paddy asks "What are you running for?" bloke says "lion escaped from the zoo", Paddy says "which way did it go?" Bloke says "you don't think we're chasing it do you?"
Air crash investigators asked Paddy why he crashed the plane into his own house? He replied "the wife left the fucking landing lights on!"
An Irishman wanted to boost up his sex life, so he bought some Viagra and some Andrews salts. He didn't know if he was coming or going.
An Irishman was so fond of drink that when he saw the sign - Drink Canada Dry - he emigrated.
Did you hear about the Irish paper shop? It blew away.
Did you hear about the Irish park keeper who's boss sent him to sweep up the leaves? He fell out of the tree!
Did you hear about the Irishman who bought a blow up doll? He punctured it so it would go down on him.
During the water shortage, Dublin swimming pool closed lane 5 and 6.
Have you heard about the new Irish rapper? He's called Duh Paddy!
Heard about four paddies in a circle, smoking? Police thought they'd found a dope ring
Heard about the Irish Humpty Dumpty? The wall fell on him.
Heard about the Irish Sea Scout? Went camping and his tent sank.
Heard about the Irish driver? Rolled forward on a hill start.
Heard about the Irish firing squad? Formed a circle.
Heard about the Irish fish? It drowned
Heard about the Irish kamikaze pilot? He's writing his memoirs.
Heard about the Irish nymphomaniac? Borrowed a vibrator from Wimpeys.
Heard about the Irish parachute? Opens on impact.
Heard about the Irish tap dancer? Fell into the sink.
Heard about the Irishman who hijacked a submarine? Demanded £10,000 and a parachute
How can you tell an Irish solicitor? Pinstriped donkey jacket.
How do spot an Irishman in a car wash? He's the one on a motorcycle.
How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear? Phone him when he's ironing.
How do you get an Irishman to burn his other ear? Phone him right back
How do you grow your own dope? Plant a Paddy.
How do you make a one armed Irishman fall out of a tree? Wave to him.
How do you sink an Irish submarine? Knock on the door.
How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb? Five; One to hold the light bulb and four to drink until the room Starts spinning.
Irish dog sat in front of the fire, chewing a tasty bone, when it got up its leg fell off.
Irish kidnappers sent their hostage home with a ransom note.
Irishman climbed into a microwave to get 8 hours sleep in 4 minutes.
Irishman sent on a mission to blow up a car, - burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.
Irishman went alpine skiing in Holland.
Mick asked the barman for a glass of orange, the barman says "still orange?" Mick says "oh yes, I haven't changed my mind."
Mick bought his wife a huge vibrator, while he was away working he phoned up and asked, " how are you getting on with the vibrator?" she said "not very well, it's knocked all my fucking teeth out!"
Mick goes into a shop and asks "what colour are your Union Jacks?" Paddy says "Red, white and blue", Mick says "I'll take a blue one please"
Murphy started a new business Association Against Employment (A.A.E.), if the dole office finds you a job, Murphy will fight your case.
Murphy was arrested at the greyhound track, police caught him trying to drug the hare.
Murphy's wife on her driving test, examiner said, "let your clutch out", so she opened the door, then he gets the highway code book out and says "name a popular road sign", she says "pick your own strawberries ¼ mile".
Paddy and Mick went in a restaurant, ordered a meal, paid for it, then sneaked out without eating it.
Paddy and Murphy in the jungle, Murphy throws a brick at a lion, hits it on the back of the head, Murphy says "run for your life Paddy" Paddy says "not me, you threw the brick"
Paddy asked for a return ticket, Bloke says "Where to?" Paddy says " Back here, pillock!"
Paddy complained that his car wouldn't go past 68 up-hill, "what's wrong with that?" asked the mechanic, Paddy replied "I live at number 93!"
Paddy killed himself jumping off the 14th floor after a mate told him he flew Wellingtons during the war.
Paddy mistook a pint of varnish for a pint of Guinness, he had a terrible death but a lovely finish
Paddy says "My mother in law's an ungrateful bitch, I bought her a chair for Christmas, and she still hasn't plugged it in".
Paddy says "Seamus, have you been sleeping with my daughter?", Seamus says "bejausus no, I never slept a wink!"
Paddy says, "lend me a fiver Murphy", Murphy says "I've only got 4 quid", Paddy says "that's all right, you can owe me a quid!"
Paddy wanted to buy a house, he went to the British Home Stores
Paddy was asked what was Ghandi's first name, replied "Goosey, Goosey"
Paddy's walking down the road with his front door under his arm, Mick asks, "why are you carrying your front door? Paddy says " I've lost my key", Mick says "don't loose the door or you'll never get in", Paddy says "It's all right, I've left the window open"
Paddy's wife goes to the doctor, says "Paddy keeps thinking he's an elevator," doctor says "Get paddy to come and see me", she says "I can't, he doesn't stop at this floor".
Seamus says to the dolly bird at the bar, "what are you drinking?" she says "I'm American, and I guess I'll have a very large Napoleon brandy", Seamus says "guess again darlin'"
Seamus thought that Sherlock Holmes was a block of flats
The latest drink in Dublin is Guinness and Windowlene, you still get drunk, but you wake up with clear eyes in the morning.
The other latest drink in Dublin is Guinness and pledge, it might kill you, but you'll get a lovely finish.
They've invented a new tea bag in Ireland, its waterproof.
Traffic warden says, "you can't park your car there", Paddy says "I f**king can the sign says 'fine for parking'"
What do you call 3 Irishmen in a huddle? A thicket.
What do you call a hundred and forty four Irishman? Gross ignorance.
What do you call a pregnant Irishwoman? A dope carrier.
What do you call an Irish brain surgeon? A chiropodist.
What do you call an Irishman on a bike? A dope peddler.
What do you call an Irishman with 10 'A' levels? A liar!
What do you call an Irishman with a Rolls Royce? A thief!
What have Irishmen and a submarine full of men got in common? Thick seamen
What's the fastest game in Ireland? Pass the parcel.
Where does an Irish family go on holiday? A different bar.
Why did the Irishman keep an empty milk bottle in his fridge? In case anyone wanted black coffee.
Why is seamen white and urine yellow? So the Irish can tell if they are coming or going
Why is urine yellow and semen white? So Paddy knows if he's coming or going.
Why wasn't Jesus born in Ireland? They couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.

Irishman walks into a builder's merchant. "Can I have 25,000 house bricks and two square feet of steel mesh?"
Assistant. "What do you want all those bricks for?"
Irishman. "I'm building a barbecue".
Assistant. "You don't need all those bricks to build a barbecue".
Irishman. "I do, I live on the 18th floor".

Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the Pilot, and Gerry the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window. "Bjeesus" said Paddy "Will you look at how fookin short that runway is".
"Ya not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Gerry.
"Tis is gonna be one a'the trickiest landings you are ever gonna see" said Paddy.
"Ya not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Gerry.
"Roit Gerry. When I give the signal, you put ta engines in reverse" said Paddy
"Roit, I'll be doing tat" replied Gerry.
"And ten you put the flaps down straight away" said Paddy
"Roit, I'll be doing tat" replied Gerry.
"And ten you stamp on tem brakes as hard as you can'. said Paddy
"Roit, I'll be doing tat" replied Gerry.
"And ten you pray to ta Mother Mary with all a'your soul" said Paddy
"Roit, I'll be doing tat" replied Gerry.
So they approached the runway with Paddy and Gerry full of nerves and sweaty palms.
As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Gerry put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Gerry and everyone on board. As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Gerry "Tat has gotta be the shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in my whole life". Gerry looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, and the fookin widest too".

Paddy gets a phone call from Murphy.
"Paddy," says Murphy, "I've got a problem"
"What's the matter?" replies Paddy.
"Oi've bought a jigsaw and it's too hard, none of the pieces fit together, and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks Paddy
"It's of a tiger," Murphy replies.
Paddy says, "Alroight, Murphy, Oi'll come over and have a look."
He gets to Murphy's house and Murphy opens the door. "Oh thanks for coming Paddy"
He leads Paddy into the kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table.
Paddy looks as the jigsaw, then turns to Murphy and says, "For God's
sake Murphy, put the Frosties back in the packet."

Three Irishmen are enjoying a round of stout in the local pub when suddenly a drunk stumbles in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle...
The drunk shouts: "Your mom's the best damn lay in town!"
Everyone in the pub expects a fight, but the young strong man just ignores him.
The drunk mumbles as he wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Barely ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-e-t!"
Once again the young man holds back his Irish temper and refuses to take the bait. The drunk sneers as he wanders back to the far end of the bar.
Not two minutes pass when once again he's back harassing the young man. For all to hear, the drunk yells in the man's ear: "You know, your mom even let me..."
Finally, the young man loses his temper, grabs the drunk by the shoulders, shakes him hard and shouts: "Go home Dad, you're drunk!"

The Major had retired to his lovely house in the country after 25 years service.
A keen gardener, he tended his lawn every day, it was like a billiard table, until he woke up one morning and found lumps of earth all over it.
"Fucking hell", he said to his wife, "we have a mole on my lovely lawn."
He got an Irish gardener , the lawn still kept getting big mounds of earth on it, so he said to the gardener have you found the mole.
"Oh yes", said Patrick, "you don't have to worry any more I took it to the bottom of the garden and buried the fucking thing alive."

Reilly fell in the pub door covered on blood.
"What on earth happed?" asked the barman
"Murphy hit me with a shovel" replied Reilly
"That's definitely not a fair fight" said the barman
"Did you not have anything in your hands to defend yourself?"
"Mrs. Murphy's tits" replied Reilly "But they're no good in a fight"

ST. PATRICK'S DAY SELF-HELP GUIDE

A little late but it will allow you all to plan for next year...

St. Patrick's Day: the one day of the year when the 2% of the world's population that's Irish gets the other 98% completely shitfaced.

Leg 1:
7 a.m. to 9 a.m. Rise and shine early. Take a long, hot shower, and liberally use aftershave, perfume, cologne, deodorant and powders afterwards, because by 3p.m., you will be excreting raw alcohol and other poisons, and without proper preparations, you will smell like a three-day dead cat wrapped in a fraternity carpet. The bars open at 9, so use this time to prepare. Collect the following supplies and put them in a place where you will easily be able to find it in an impaired condition. We recommend the bathroom floor, between the toilet and the baseboard heater, since that's where you'll probably end up:
1 quart spring water
1 bottle aspirin
5 pairs Depends undergarment
1 bottle Percocet
1 gram morphine sulphate
1 oz. human adrenaline extract
1 precharged electric defibrillator
4 Cardiac needles
1 trauma surgeon
Brew a strong pot of coffee. Add 9 oz. Jameson Irish whiskey, drink.
Note that coffee should be drunk liberally throughout the day. There is a reason that the Irish invented Irish Coffee; unless you ingest a large volume of artificial stimulants throughout the course of St.Patrick's Day, you are going to die.
Arrange to be picked up to be taken to the bar by 8:45 a.m. We cannot stress enough that you should not drink and drive. There is no reason to chance losing your license or killing someone in a drunken state when you have plenty of idiot friends willing to take that risk on your behalf.

Leg 2:
9 a.m. to 11 a.m.
Arrive at the bar right when it opens. Make sure this is an Irish bar if at all possible. An Irish bar in Boston is the best alternative, since Boston in Gaelic means West Kilarney. However, almost every city in America has bars called The Blarney Stone, McSomethings, or The Dirty Mick. Just try to ignore the fact that the bar is probably owned by Koreans.
Secure a barstool and do not leave it under any circumstances. The bar is liable to be packed by noon, and real Irish people do not wait in line for drinks, no matter what the consequences. While we do recommend the use of an adult undergarment to mask unpleasant smells, it really doesn't matter. By afternoon, you'll be sopping wet with spilled beer anyway, and your mild urine
smell will be completely overpowered by the toxic stench of vomit. We recommend starting out with a few more Irish Coffees to spike the stimulant level, however, you should not order an "Irish Coffee," as you will be given a fruity little glass mug topped with whipped cream and a cherry, and some guy named Seamus will call you a yuppie poser while putting a cigarette out on your neck. Ask for coffee with whiskey and ask the bartender to leave the whipped cream can, as nothing will add spice to your day like the occasional whippet.

Leg 3:
11 a.m. to 2 p.m.
It's lunchtime! You may not be hungry, but it's important to eat something, because like Sheriff Bart said in Blazing Saddles:" Man drink like that, and don't eat, he is going to die."
If you want to maintain your buzz and not get that hideous, bloated feeling that could slow down your drinking, there are only two options: popcorn or Pop Tarts.
Both have the carbohydrates you'll need to give you energy, both will soak up excess bile in your stomach, and both have names that are hard to slur.
If you start slurring your words too early, you'll hear the most frightening phrase in the English language on St. Patrick's Day besides I'm pregnant: "You're cut off".
By now, you should switch off of coffee drinks to beer. You have only one option here: Guinness stout. You may be tempted to order green beer, but remember: beer doesn't always turn green because of food colouring.

Leg 4:
2 p.m. to 7 p.m.
By now, the bar is definitely crowded as people take long lunches and bail out of work early to tie one on. If you're doing your job correctly, the bar should look twice or three times as crowded as it really is.
By now, you may be in conversation with some real Irish people, since the person you came with has likely been taken away by ambulance. Some conversational points to remember when talking to the Irish are: Football really means Soccer, and you should be more passionate about it than you are about your wife or husband, AND The English are all piss-arsed, pig-fucking bastards who should be lined up and kicked into the Liffey. If you remember those two points, as well at least three derogatory names for Margaret Thatcher, you can talk to the Irish for hours. You should continue to drink Guinness throughout this leg, although you may want to have another Irish Coffee if your heartbeat has become irregular.

Leg 5:
The Home Stretch: 7 p.m. to Closing
Your goal, of course, is to be the last person to leave the bar at closing time. This will be impossible, since a blood alcohol content of .50 usually equals death, and you should be pushing a .35 or .40 by now. The only way for a true Irishman to leave a bar before closing time with honour is to be hauled away by the police. Throw a punch. It doesn't matter who you hit or why; no one's made any sense since 3 o'clock, anyway. You will be beaten mercilessly, since your fine motor control has been gone since the late morning, but it doesn't matter since you can't feel anything. Depending on your community, the police should arrive within fifteen minutes to scrape you off the floor and clap you in irons. The final impression you leave is the most important: as you are being dragged from the bar, begin screaming that you want to take your drink with you. You will be a legend, and by now the friend who took you to the bar should have had his or her stomach pumped, and will be able to bail you out. By Following these simple guidelines, your St. Patrick's Day experience would be one you would never forget if it weren't physically and biologically impossible for you to remember any of it.

SCOTS

Scottish Men:
This years social survey looks at the sexual habits of the typical Scottish man.
Our experts have recreated a typical Scots man’s night of passion.

THE PREPARATION: Friday night is very much love-night for the Scottish man.
Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Scottish aphrodisiac - 12 pints, a black pudding supper and three pickled onions - his mind set on one thing: Love (or as he says to himself, “ma nookie”). His lust is at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard nights dominoes. He approaches his beloved entreating her with gentle persuasive words of passion “any chance o’ ma hole ?“. The good lady in question, perhaps over-excited by the erotic smell of stale beer or the sensuous vision of pickled onions sticking to his chin is, at first, somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious reply - “away tae F***, ya barn”.

FOREPLAY: Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male casting off his slightly soiled Y-Fronts provocatively at his wife, usually landing with the skid marks down, as he approaches the bed singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant “ere we go, ere we go ere we go”. Upon reaching the bed he comments proudly on his rampant eight incher. This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.

INITIAL PROBLEMS: After eleventeen pints, sometime the mans Wee Willie Winkie is a trifle reluctant to extend itself. Impotence is very much a blow to his self esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as “ya useless bastard”, or possibly “this never happens to the milkman”. Oral sex is a great favourite with the Scotsman and he approaches his wife with a cheeky invitation “How d’ya like tae get yer teeth roon this?” The woman nods willingly and points to her wallies smiling happily in the bedside tumbler. “On ye go” she says “but don’t disturb me”. Unperturbed by this slight rejection, he dives enthusiastically to perform such a service for his wife. A breakdown in communication often leads to problems. The man may emerge from below the covers with a face like a wet tomato and a pointed but tender rebuke, “Bastard -Ye could ave telt me it wis yer bad week”.

DOWN TO BUSINESS: Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again the alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides which of his willies to use for penetration. Sometimes he may suffer from severe premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic phrase “o F***, av shot ma load”. If this does occur it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as, perhaps informing her that she’s the nicest woman he’s ever came across. An imaginative lover, the Scotsman possibly having read that women like to be spoken dirty to, says such things as “snotters, shite, arsehole”. The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement, such as “are you sure it’s in?”. Given his level of sexual expertise the Scotsman’s ideal partner should be a versatile lover specialising in faked orgasm. This takes the form of a breathless “ooyah, ooyah, gallus big man”. Eventually it’s all over. The man rolls over, falls asleep and commences snoring like a pig. There’s no one in the world perform quite like a Scotsman on a Friday night - a veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.

Two old Scotsmen - MacDougal and McTavish - are sitting in the pub over pints of McEwan’s. MacDougal says: “Ow long we been friends?” to which McTavish responds: “Och! I dunno - 80, 90 year?” “Ah,” says MacDougal, “and good friends are we, nae?” “Aye, the best of friends,” replies his drinking partner. After a sip, MacDougal says: “Look, McTavish. I’m an old man, in me dyin’ days. I’m not planning to be around much longer. So as me best friend, can I ask ye a favour?” “Anything, Mac. Anything at all,” says McTavish. So MacDougal asks: “When I die, would you take a bottle o’ whiskey and pour it slowly over me grave?” Maclavish blurts: “Surely, old friend! Now as me best pal, can I ask you a favour back? Would you mind if I passed it through me kidneys first?”

Seeing his Scots friend stripping the wallpaper in his lounge, the man asked what the new paper would be like. Came the reply, "I'm not decorating, I'm moving!"

What's worn under your kilt? nothin mate, it's all in good working order!

How was copper wire invented? Two Scotsmen were fighting over a penny!

Why is the 50 pence piece shaped as it is? So you can use a spanner to get it out of a Scotsman's hand!

How do you cure a sea sick Scotsman? Hang him over the side of the boat with a 2p piece between his teeth!

Tony Blair is being shown around an Edinburgh hospital. Towards the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward of people with no obvious signs of injury. He greets the first patient and the chap replies:

"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm,
Weel are ye Wordy o'a grace,
As lang's my arm."

Tony, being somewhat confused, grins and moves on to the next patient and greets him. He replies:

"Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit."

The third starts rattling off as follows:

"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
Wi bickering brattle!"

Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks, "What sort of ward is this, a mental ward?" "No," replies the doctor, "It's a burns unit!"

ENGLISH

Scousers

The Ferrari F1 team recently fired their whole pit crew to employ some young guys from Liverpool. This sudden move was taken after seeing a Channel 5 documentary about how young Scousers can remove a car's tyres within 6 seconds without proper equipment.
However, Ferrari soon encountered a problem. The young men not only changed the tyres in 6 seconds but 12 seconds later the car was resprayed and sold to the McLaren team.

A Liverpudlian walked into the  local benefit office, approached the  counter  and said,  "Hi, I hate  living on benefits. I would really rather find a  job."
The clerk  behind the counter responded, "Your timing is amazing. We  just got a  listing from a very wealthy man who wants a   chauffeur / bodyguard for his  nymphomaniac daughter. You'd have to  drive   around a big Mercedes.  Clothing would be provided. Because of the  long   hours, meals would be  provided as well. You would be required to  escort the young lady on her holiday trips overseas. The compensation package   is worth over £200,000  a year."
The redneck said, "You're bullshitting me man?"
The clerk  said, "Well, you started it."

How do you cook a Scouse omelette?, First steal 3 eggs.

What's a Scouser and Lloyd Grossman got in common? They're both found in other people's homes.

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!" and continued to watch, remembering good times.
Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu!" Ze woman - she is dead!" and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief. He came to the station and shouted, "Jean...Jean zere is zis man, zis woman .........naked in farmer Gaston's field making love."
The police chief smiled and said; "Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay."
"Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back non-stop to call the doctor: "Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is zis young couple naked 'aving sex."
To which Pierre replied, "Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural."
Jean, still out of breath, gasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu!" grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in the car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.
After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.
He got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is English!"

Recent letter found in a personal problems advice column
I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to an Englishman. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland.
I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Mt. Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington remand center on charges of incest with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a Brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancé utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being English ?

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