EXPAT JOKES > Penis Jokes

EXPAT JOKES > PENIS JOKES

ONE LINERS....

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? Cough, gag, choke, etc.
What do Kodak and condoms have in common? They both capture the moment.
What's the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with the light on.
What's the difference between a pink penis and a purple penis? The woman's grip!'
What's the most active muscle in woman? The penis.
What's the smartest thing to come out of a woman's mouth? Albert Einstein's dick.
Why did god give men penises? So we'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up!
A man walked into a shoe store and flopped his dick on the counter. The sales lady said, "That's not a foot!" The man replied, "No, but it's a good ten inches."
A man walks into the ladies toilet and a woman says to the man, "This is for women!" so the man gets his dick out and says, "So is this!"
You can get lemon flavoured condoms now, you come in a jiffy.

What's the benefit of having a £50 note tattooed to your dick?
1) You can play with your money
2) You can watch your money grow
3) Your girl can blow as much money as she wants

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

"Sorry, Have I come at a bad time?"

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on her bottom and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle"
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know, if you firmed up these we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know, if you firmed up this, we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the milkman and your brother."

Murphy goes to the doctor, says "I'm worried about my penis, I think it looks like a little rocket ship", doctor says "what's your wife think?" Murphy says "she's over the moon!"

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces his wife has just produced "a typical Texas baby boy weighing 20 pounds." Congratulations shower him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" are heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Fifteen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, concerned. "Why? What happened? He already weighed 20 pounds at birth.
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star, wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "had him circumcised.

An Army Major walks into a whorehouse and approaches the madam and says, " My name is Major Dick and I'm here for a woman!" The madam immediately escorts the soldier upstairs and selects the best call girl they have for him.
Major Dick immediately disrobes and is standing with his hands on his hips while he looks at the prostitute awaiting him on the bed. He then says," My name is Major Dick, been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN. Immediately, his penis becomes fully erect.
The prostitute is in awe and asks him how he can do that. The Major replies, "Like I said, I've been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, AT EASE. His penis immediately goes limp.
The prostitute still can't get over the control he has and asks him for another demonstration. The Major says. 'I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN. (a raging hard-on once again) and the follows this display of prowess with the command of DICK, AT EASE. (His penis goes limp once again.) The prostitute still can't believe her eyes and asks for the demonstration yet again.
The Major shouts, "I've already told you honey, I've been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN. His penis becomes immediately erect. And then gives the following command, "DICK, AT EASE. The Major looks down, and to his amazement, his penis is still hard. He then says, "Apparently you didn't hear me soldier, DICK, AT EASE. Once again, his penis is still fully erect. The Sgt. Major is now fuming, and says, "I'm going to tell you one more time, DICK, AT EASE. No luck, his penis is still hard. He yells god dammit and moves to the side of the bed and starts to masturbate vigorously.
The prostitute asks '"What the hell is going on?"
The Major replies, "This soldier disobeyed a direct order, and I'm giving him a dishonorable discharge!!!"

Collector of Taxes
Income Tax - Pay As You Earn
Inland Revenue Accounts Office (Shipley)
Bradford
West Yorkshire
BD98 8AA

22 June 1998

To: All male taxpayers

From: Inland Revenue

Subject: Increased tax payments

Dear Mr .....................

The only thing the Inland Revenue has not taxed is your willy. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is pissed off, 20% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is employed but operates in total darkness. Furthermore, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Accordingly. after July 1st 1987 your willy will be taxed based on its size using the 'Willy Checker Scale' below.

Determine your category and insert the additional tax under 'Other Taxes'

Part V, line 61

Willy Checker Scale

10-12 inches Luxury Tax. £50.00
8-9 inches Pole Tax £25.00
6-7 inches Privilege Tax £15.00
4-5 inches Nuisance Tax £5.00

Note Anyone under four inches is eligible for a refund. Do not apply for an extension. Males with willies in excess of twelve inches should file under. "Capital Gains"

Very. truly yours

Rubin J Cutchepecker

H M Inspector of taxes

On their way to Vegas to get married, a wife-to-be confesses to her bloke that the reason they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat-chested. If the bloke wishes to cancel the wedding, it is OK with her.
The bloke thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.
Several miles further down the road, the bloke turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession that he has a penis just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, it is OK with him.
The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage. They were happy that they are honest with each other.
They went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes; she is as flat as a washboard. Finally, the bloke took off his clothes.
After one glance at the bloke's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.
After she became conscious, the bloke asked, "I told you before we got married. Why did you still faint?"
The girl said, "You told me it was just like a baby!"
The bloke replied, "It is -- 8 pounds and 21 inches!"

Imagine if all major retailers started producing condoms.........

Tesco Condoms: every little helps
Sainsbury Condoms: making life taste better
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Peugeot Condoms: The ride of your life.
Galaxy Condoms: Why have rubber when you can have silk.
KFC Condoms: Finger, Licking good.
Minstrals Condoms: melt in your mouth , not in your hands.
Safeway condoms: Lightening the load..
Abbey national condoms: because life is complicated enough.
Coca cola condoms: The real thing.
Ever ready condoms: keep going and going.
Macintosh condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple
Pringles condoms: once you pop, you cant stop
Burger king condoms: Home of the whopper
Goodyear condoms: " for a longer ride go wide "
FCUK condoms: no comment required.
Muller light condoms: so much pleasure, but where's the pain.
Flash condoms: Just sit back, relax and let flash do all the hard work.
Halfords condoms: we go the extra mile.
On digital condoms: plug and play !!!!
Royal mail condoms: I saw this and thought of you.
Andrex condoms: Soft, strong and very very long.
Renault condoms: size really does matter!

A guy is on a business trip in Houston and buys a really cool pair of snakeskin boots. He can’t wait to show his new boots to his wife. Upon returning from his trip late the next evening, his wife is in the bathroom getting ready for bed. He quickly strips down naked except for his new snakeskin boots and stands in the bedroom to wait for her.
As the wife emerges from the bathroom her husband asks, "Well honey, do you notice anything special?" to which the wife replies" Yeah, it’s limp!" "It’s not limp!" exclaims the husband. " It’s admiring my new snakeskin boots!" "Next time buy a hat."

A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the desert. After a few days the camel falls over dead. After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey.
The priest asks the nun "I have never seen a woman's breasts, and at this point it probably wouldn't matter much, so could I see yours?" The nun agrees and shows him her breasts.
"May I touch them?" The nun allows him to. The priest comments sincerely how wonderful they are. The nun then asks "Father, I have never seen a man's penis before, could you show me yours? The priest drops his drawers.
"May I touch it?" After she fondles his penis for a minute he sports a huge erection. The priest says, "you know if I place my penis in the proper place it can give life!" "Is that right" the nun replies? "Yes."
"Then why don't you stick it up that camels ass and lets get the hell out of here!"

A man walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls over tonight. I've never had three girls at once. I need something to keep me horny.. keep me potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours."
The man says, "Gimme three boxes."
The next day the man walks into the same pharmacy. limps up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and skin is hanging off in some places.
The man says, "Gimme a bottle of Deep Heat."
The pharmacist replies in horror, "You can't put Deep Heat on that!"
The man says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."

Penis - work complaints
The Penis hereby requests a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not always stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do no take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you've completed the assigned task.
And, if all this is not enough, you've been seen constantly entering and exiting the work place carrying two suspicious looking bags!

IT AINT EASY BEING A DICK!

I'VE GOT A HEAD I CAN'T THINK WITH

AN EYE I CANT SEE OUT OF

I HAVE TO HANG AROUND WITH TWO NUTS ALL THE TIME

CLOSEST NEIGHBOUR IS AN ASS HOLE

WORST OF ALL MY OWNER BEATS ME

AND MY BEST FRIEND IS A PUSSY

AND NOW 'CAUSE OF AIDS I HAVE TO WEAR
THIS RUBBER SUIT, AND THROW UP ALL OVER MYSELF

A squaddie goes into a public washroom and has to use the only available urinal, between two elderly men. He glances to his left and sees the guy pissing, but there are two streams.
"What the hell is that?" he asks.
"War wound. I took a bullet in my cock in North Africa. They were able to save my cock but they had to leave two holes"
Then the guy looks to his right and sees... three streams!
"What the hell is that?"
"War wound. Germany, bullet in the dick, left three holes."
The two veterans then look over at the squaddie in the middle and see... 12 streams!
"War wound??"
"Naah, my zipper's stuck"

In the good old days, sailor's trousers had a large drop down flap instead of flies.
This sailor was in a dance hall in Leeds he was really fancying this girl but couldn't get a look in for some rich para, he finally had an idea and showed his (double fly) trousers to her. She thought, never!
He said "Why else would I need two flies?"
It did the trick and off they went and found somewhere quiet, after he'd done the deed she wanted more and nagged until he opened his (other) fly, of course it was pink and crinkly, she wanted to know what was wrong, He said "Oh! he's sulking cos he wasn't first."

THINGS NEVER TO SAY TO A MAN WITH A SMALL PENIS

I've smoked fatter joints than that.
Ahh, it's cute.
Stop fingering me and fuck me.
I'm sorry.
Who circumcised you?
Why don't we just cuddle?
You know they have surgery to fix that.
It's more fun to look at.
Make it dance.
You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
Can I paint a smiley face on that?
Wow, and your feet are so big.
My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
It's OK, we'll work around it.
Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
Oh no, a flash headache.
(giggle and point)
Can I be honest with you?
My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
Let me go get my tweezers.
How sweet, you brought incense.
This explains your car.
You must be a growing boy.
Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
Are you one of those pygmies?
Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
Ever hear of Clearasil?
All right, a treasure hunt!
I didn't know they came that small.
Why is God punishing you?
At least this won't take long.
Let's just stick with your hand.
Do you need a splint to prop that up.
How interesting.
I never saw one like that before.
What do you call this?
But it still works right?
Damn I hate baby-sitting.
It looks so unused.
Do you take steroids?
I hear excessive masturbation shrinks your dick.
Maybe it looks better in natural light.
I think there's a dildo around here somewhere.
Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
Let me know when you're done.
Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
Aww, it's hiding.
Are you cold?
If you get me real drunk first.
Is that an optical illusion?
What is that?
Does this run in your family?
I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry.
Were you neutered?
It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
Does it come with an air pump?
So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
Where are the puppet strings?
Look, it all fits in my mouth at once.
Deep throat??? I doubt it'll reach my tongue!!!
Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
Can you get this pencil out of me now?
Do I hang my hat on it?
Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!
Don't hold back.
Never mind, why bother.

11 Ways To Treat A Penis

You've got to "introduce" yourself to Willy Wonderful, i.e., "Hi! I'm Shirley! Nice to meet you, big guy !". Don't dive on it likes it's a raw piece of meat and you're a starving pitbull! Be gentle. Stroke him nice and easy. Make friends first.
When (Not "IF" )giving oral sex, don't suck so hard that you make an industrial vacuum cleaner appear as a dust buster and suck the man's eyeballs out of his sockets. Mr. Penis is a sensitive "guy" you know. Be gentle. Contrary to your practicing techniques in high school, the one who "Melts" the popsicle first is not the winner.
When sitting on top of a man, don't move too far forward or back. Up and down is fine. What you're going to do if you do move too far forward and back is rip Mr. Penis right off Mr. Man's crotch. Mr. Penis isn't made for that action. And, VERY Important. When going up and down, if you should go up a little too high and Mr. Penis pops out, you are not a basketball net, and Willy Wonderful is not a golf ball...your aim is not that good, and your 100+ Lbs, and this little Newton thingy called gravity will seriously injure Mr. Penis.
Hand jobs - When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms, and remember friction is the problem .. ...lubrication, the cure.
Proper care of the love Tool - like any good tool you want to keep around for a while you've got to take good care of it just as you do your dildo or your car. Wash him off after and dry him gently. Oil him frequently, and have him park in the garage as often as you can. Never bend, fold spindle or mutilate. You'll get years of use out of him that way.
If Mr. Penis appears uninterested, he's just being coy or stupid. That's where you have to use step #1 again. If no response, then you sure gave him a good workout the first time. Good for you!
Never, ever play "crush the grapes" with Mr. Penis's two friends, Mr. Balls. Nothing can make Mr. Penis shrink faster. Not even ice or a nude picture of Janet Reno and the Queen Mother playing chess at the Naturalist beach last July.
If you're a golfer, never use Mr. Penis as a tee.
If Mr. Penis can't "throw up" then his owner worked too hard on pleasing you. Be thankful. If Mr. Penis spits too soon, be proud that you had that effect on him...not everyone can have that effect on him.
If you don't want Mr. Penis so deep, don't say, "Shit ! Not that deep ! What are you doing . . . drilling for oil??" Say, "Wow you're much bigger than I thought. Could you take it a little easier on me?"
And never never say "Is it in?

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.
The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

The Mr Men

Mr Proud