EXPAT JOKES > MEDICAL JOKES

'Doctor, Doctor, I've only got sixty seconds to live!'. 'Can you wait a minute ...'

'Doctor, Doctor, I've only got four minutes to live, is there anything you can do for me?'. 'Well, I could boil you an egg

'Doctor, Doctor, can you give me something for wind?'. 'Yes, here's a kite!"

'Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a bottle of gin'. 'What you need is a little tonic.

'Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog'. 'How long have you felt like this?'. 'Ever since I was a puppy.'

'Doctor, Doctor, I've got a strawberry on my nose'. 'You need some cream for that!'

'Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains'. 'Don't be silly, pull yourself together.'

'Doctor, Doctor, I keep talking about Tom Jones' music, is that strange?', 'It's not unusual!'

'Doctor, Doctor, I've got a lettuce leaf poking out of my arse'. 'That looks nasty' 'That's just the tip of the iceberg'

'Doctor, Doctor, I've got a sausage in my ear and a parsnip up my nose', 'I can see you're not eating properly'

'Doctor, Doctor, I keep feeling like a cowboy!' 'How long have you felt like this?' Patient: "About a Yeeeerrrr harrrr'

'Doctor, Doctor, I think my wife's dead'. 'Why is that?' 'Well the sex is the same, but the washing is piling up'

'Doctor, Doctor, I've just swallowed a spoon, what should I do?'. 'Sit down and don't stir'

'Doctor, Doctor, I keep feeling that people are ignoring me'. 'Next please.'

'Doctor, Doctor, my hands won't stop shaking.' 'Do you drink much?'. 'No, I spill most of it.'

'Doctor, Doctor, you've got to help me, I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people' 'Tell me about your problem'. 'I just did, you moron!'

'Doctor, Doctor, you've got to help me, every night I get the urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do you know what's wrong with me?'. 'Yes ... you're fucking crackers".

'Doctor, Doctor, you've got to help me, this insomnia is driving me crazy!" "Just sleep on the edge of the bed, "replied the doctor. "What'll that do?" "You'll soon drop off."

'Doctor, Doctor, every time I sneeze I have an orgasm'. 'Are you taking anything for it?'. 'Yes, pepper!'

'Doctor, Doctor, I'm a prostitute but I'm always feeling tired'. 'I know what's wrong. You've been off your feet for too long.'

'Doctor, Doctor, my irregular heartbeat is still bothering me'. 'Never mind, we'll soon put a stop to that.'

'Doctor, Doctor, I want to be circumcised'. 'Are you sure? it will hurt'. 'How much?' 'Well, I was circumcised when I was a baby, and I couldn't walk for a year and a half!'

'Doctor, Doctor, I've got three vaginas!', 'Put a plaster over the two outside ones', 'Will it help?', "No, but it will stop you being fucked left, right and centre!"

'Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm getting smaller!' 'Well, you'll just have to be a little patient.'

What's the difference between seven days ago and a spine with slipped discs ? One's a week back, and so is the other.

A man got a job in a bank and had to work a week in hand, it was a sperm bank

What sits at the bottom of an OAP's bed and takes the piss? A catheter

DOCTORS SURGERY

A man goes to the doctors and says "I've got a rash on my face." The doctor replies, "Put some butter on it and come back tomorrow." The next day he returns and says, "the rash is still here." The doctor replies, "I can't believe it's not better!"

A woman took her husband to the doctors. After being examined, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "He's very ill, but if you give him a good breakfast, a well balanced lunch, a good hearty dinner and sex at least four times a week and he should live a good few years. When the husband asked what the doctor had said, she replied, "You're going to die very soon!"

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, my leg really hurts and it keeps talking to me," The doctor examines the patient's leg and hears his hip saying "Give me a tenner" his knee saying, "give me a fiver" and his ankle saying, "give me £20." "Do you know what the problem is doctor," asks the patient," "Yes" says the doctor, "your leg is broke in three places!"

The doctor and his wife were out shopping when a beautiful girl in a fur coat walked past. She gave the doctor a broad smile and waved. 'And who is that?' asked his wife frostily.
'Just someone I see professionally,' said the doctor.
At which his wife raised her eyebrows. 'Your profession or hers?'

This chap walked into a doctors surgery, a very pretty young girl was coming out, sighing and sobbing bitterly. He says, "There there, it can't be all that bad?" She says, "Oh yes it is, the doctor's just told me I'm pregnant." The chap sees the doctor and asks him if it's true, the doctor says, "No, but it cured her hiccups!"

A man speaking frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asks. "No, you idiot, this is her husband!!"

My doctor's a quack! My wife got treated for liver problems for 20 years, and then she dies from a heart attack!
My doctor's much better than that. If he treats you for liver problems, you can bet your last penny you're going to die of liver problems.

'I'm sorry,' said the doctor to the distraught woman, 'but I'm afraid that your husband has passed away.'
'Oh no I haven't!' came a voice from the bed.
'Be quiet, George,' snapped his wife. 'The doctor knows best'

An old man was so terrified of dying that he took great care of his health. He went to his doctor monthly, for a check-up. He explained to the doctor, 'I don't drink and I don't smoke, I jog ten miles a day, I don't even look at women and I live on organic foods, a sugar and fat free diet. I should last another twenty years.'
The doctor looked sadly at him. 'Why would you want to?'

A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity and that she engage in sexual activity three times a week. A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband." The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week. The 80-year-old husband replied, Which days?" The doctor answered, "Monday, Wednesday and Friday would be ideal." The husband said, "I can bring her Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays I golf, so she'll have to take the bus."

A woman went to her doctor complaining that her husband’s sexual feelings for her seemed to have declined.
The doctor, being an old friend of the family, gave the woman some pills to slip into her husbands tea, so at least the man wouldn’t get a complex about being a bit under powered.
Two days later the woman was back in the doctors surgery.
"What happened" asked the doctor, "did the pills work?"
"Fantastic", replied the woman. "I was so eager to see their effect on my husband that I tipped three of them into a cup of coffee, and within seconds of drinking it, he got up, kicked over the table, ripped off my clothes, dragged me onto the floor and ravished me!!"
"Oh," said the doctor, I’ll hope you weren’t too surprised".
"Surprised", said the woman, "I’ll never be able to set foot in that restaurant again!"

An old woman goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I have this terrible discharge." The doctor answers, "Take your panties off." So she does, he has a rummage around and says, "How does that feel?" she answers, "Wonderful, but I came for my ears!"

A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She was to go into a room and wait for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examined the baby and asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"
"Breast fed", she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did.
He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for awhile in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry, You don't have any milk."
"Naturally", she said, "I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came".

The son takes his father to the doctors. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. The father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate it. While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS. When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?" The father replies, "I don't want them fucking your mother after I'm gone!"

A man went to his doctor complaining of feeling generally unwell. The doctor asked the usual questions about his lifestyle.
'Have you been drinking a lot recently?'
'I don't drink at all,' said the man.
'Do you have a lot of late nights?'
'No' the man replied.
'Much sex?'
'Infrequently,' said the man.
'Is that one word or two?' asked the doctor.

A woman visited her doctor complaining that she hurt all over. When the doctor asked her to be more specific, she touched her nose, "Ow!" she cried, and touched her left earlobe, "Arghh!" even that hurts, doctor!" The doctor checked her over, then informed her that she had a broken finger.

"My doctor just told me I should give up golf". "Why? Did he look at your elbows?". "No, at my scoreboard."

Fred returned from the Doctor's visit one day and told his wife that the Doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Fred went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" She agrees and again they make love. Later, Fred is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched her shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep.
Mark, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Fred, I have to get up in the morning! You don't!"

A woman went to the doctor's office. She was seen by one of the young new doctors, but after about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was, and demanded to know, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children, seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said,
"Does she still have the hiccups?

A man goes to the doctor and tells him, "Doctor, I don’t know what the problem is but I can’t stop farting all the time. It’s not really a problem because my farts are silent and don’t smell. In fact while I’ve been in here I must have farted at least 20 times." The doctor nodded and gave him some pills. "Take these pills for the next 2 weeks and see me again when they are finished." So he takes the pills. He returns 2 weeks later as instructed. Infuriated he confronts the doctor. "What kind of pills are these? I’m still farting silently all the time but now they stink terribly!" The doctor nodded, "That’s all right, now we have your sinuses cleared up, we’ll work on your hearing."

An Irish bloke goes to the doctor. "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible". he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here". Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears. "This is amazing" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?
"Well fur fughs sake teyhk it out man!" shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another etc ..... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den?.
The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.

Doctor: 'I can't find anything wrong with you, Mr Smith. I can only assume, it must be heavy drinking.'
Patient: 'That's fine, doctor, I'll come, back when you're sober.'

Patient:: 'I feel terribly under the weather,'
Doctor: 'Tell me about your diet,'
Patient: 'Well. Doctor, I'm very fond of snooker balls. First thing in the morning I have a couple of yellows and a black. For lunch I have a few reds and a couple of pinks. Then in the evening I might have some browns and a few more reds.'
Doctor: 'I know what the trouble is;' said the doctor. 'You're not eating enough greens.'

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

A lady doctor was examining a man. 'Drop your trousers,' she instructed, and then proceeded to grasp him firmly. 'Say ninety-nine,' she ordered.
The patient began, 'One, two, three ...'

A middle-aged woman had had one child every year for 12 years, and then for the past two years had not fallen pregnant. When her doctor asked the reason, she replied that she had had a deaf aid fitted. Perplexed the doctor enquired further. "Well", she replied, "before my husband and I would go to bed, and hubby would ask "do you want to go to sleep or what?" and I always used to say "What?"

A paper bag goes to the doctor and complains of feeling really ill. The doctor does a lot of tests and tells the paper bag to come back next week for the results. The following week the paper bag is extremely distressed to be told by his doctor that he is HIV positive. "But how can this be" he cries, "I'm only a paper bag". "Well have you had unprotected sex in the last year?" asks the doctor. "No, how can I?" he shouts "I'm only a paper bag" "How about sharing needles, giving blood, anything like that?" "I've said to you before" the paper bag sobs "how can I, I'm only a paper bag" "Ahhhh" says the doctor shaking his head sadly "In that case I suspect your mother must have been a carrier."

A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking through the phone book, she came upon a Chinese doctor (sex therapist) named Dr. Chang.
When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms, and he said, "Take off all your crothes and you crawl real fass away from me across da froor".
She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now.you crawl real fass back to me," and she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem".
The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Zachary Disease was and he replied, "Zachary Disease, that when your face look ZACHARY like your ass!"

An old lady slipped strained her knee. Her doctor bandaged it and warned her, 'If you don't take great care it's unlikely to heal properly. Don't rush around and don't climb any stairs.'
A fortnight later the old lady returned to have the bandage removed. The doctor was delighted to see that the leg had healed perfectly. 'Thank goodness for that!' said the old dear. 'I can't tell you what a fool I've felt, shinning up and down that drainpipe.

A woman comes home after being to the doctors.
Her husband said, "How did it go?"
She said, "He said I had a nice fanny"
Her husband was absolutely furious. He stormed down to the surgery and confronted the doctor.
He said, "How dare you make such personal remarks about my wife?
The doctor explained, "What I actually said was "You have acute angina!!"

An old lady's husband died, she is so upset she visits the doctor.
Doctor, "What is the problem?"
Old lady, "I want to shoot myself, what is the most painless way?
Doctor, "You should aim one inch below the breast."
The next day the old lady is rushed to hospital after shooting herself in the kneecap

Colleen goes to the doctors,
Doctor. "Well Colleen, I'm afraid you're pregnant"
Colleen. "I want a second opinion"
Doctor. "OK, you're ugly as well!

Woman: "Doctor, I keep getting stomach pains and I'm always swollen"
Doctor: "Get on the table then and I'll examine you" (examination takes place) "you'd better get used to changing nappies!
Woman: "Why am I pregnant?"
Doctor: "No, your colon is fucked!"

MORTUARY

Two cleaner ladies in the mortuary, one says, "I'm having some of that", pointing to a body with huge erection.
When she'd finished she said "God that was amazing, the best sex I've ever had!"
The other said "I couldn't, it's my time of the month"
Her mate replied, "I cant see him complaining, can you?"
So her friend got on and after about 10 minutes she heard a moan coming from the corpse, she shouted to her mate "He's alive!"
To which the corpse said "Alive! Another transfusion like that an' I'll be back in work on Monday!"

An undertaker was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of a Mr. Smith, who was about to be cremated, he discovered the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry, Mr. Smith," said the undertaker, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the undertaker used his tools to remove the dead man's dick, he then stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Smith is dead!"

PHARMACY

A deaf mute walks into chemists to buy some condoms. He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist and cannot see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, he finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter and puts down a five pound note next to it. The pharmacist looks at it, smacks down another five pound note, unzips his pants, lays his penis across from the deaf mute's member, then picks up both notes and stuffs them in his pocket.
Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the chemist wildly in sign language.
"Look," the chemist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."

A man goes to the chemist to buy his wife some Tampax, and asks the assistant where they are. He returns to the counter with a pack of cotton wool, the assistant tells him they are not Tampax, to which he replies, "When I sent her out for a packet of cigarettes, she came back with tobacco, so this time she can roll her own!"

Father and young son were in a chemist’s shop, the lad, being at that inquisitive age, says "Dad, what are those things called?" Father answers, "Condoms, son." "What are those for Dad?" Asks the lad, "They’re used when big boys and girls play together". "Dad, why are they in packets of 1, 3 or 12"."Well son", answers dad, "The packets of one are for big school boys and girls on a Saturday night, the packets of three are for college school boys and girls, for the weekends, Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the packets of twelve are for married mummies and daddies, January, February..

A man goes into a chemist to buy a packet of condoms, the old woman behind the counter asks him what size he is. "I don't know" says the man. She says to him, "Not to worry, if you go out the back, there's a fence with a few holes in it, get a semi on and see which hole fits." The crafty old cow runs out the shop, hides behind the fence and waits. After a few minutes the man tries the first hole, which the woman has her mouth over. He quickly withdraws and goes to the next hole, which the old ladies arse is the other side of. He quickly pulls out of the hole and wonders what the hell is going on. Unbeknown to him the woman has gone up to the hole full frontal, and the man tries and withdraws. The woman runs back into the shop and tidies herself up for the mans return. "So" she asks him, "What size condoms would you like?" he says, "Fuck the condoms, how much for the fence!!

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the chemists to get some condoms. The chemist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the checkout, the chemist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a chemist."

HOSPITAL

A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care ward, put in a bed, tubes coming out everywhere. 
A week later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition.
Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking etc. a couple more weeks before one of them had the strength to raise his hand and point to himself and say: "Scottish"
The other signaled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said "Irish"
This act tired them out so badly it was a week before the first summoned up the strength to say: "Glasgow"
Again the second replied in a weedy frail voice "Dublin"
Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out. 
Days passed before the first man managed to again point to himself and say: "Jimmy"
Replied the other: "Paddy"
A few hours later, Jimmy managed to point to himself again and rasp out weakly: "Cancer"
Paddy responded: "Sagittarius"

Worst Case Of Diarrhea I Ever Saw

Two doctors were discussing the new nurse 'She's amazing,' said one. 'We went for a drink last night and then round to her place. She's terrific in bed, even better than my wife! And she fancies you, why don't you take her out, too?'
The next day they met again. 'I took that nurse out as you suggested" said the other man, 'and as you said she's very good in bed though I wouldn't say that she's better than your wife

"Nurse, How's my brother doing? is he making any progress?"
"No, he isn't my type."

A man went into hospital for an operation to cure premature ejaculation. When his wife rang up to see if the operation was a success, the surgeon told her, "Sorry it's still touch and go!"

FORTUNATELY YOU HAVE THE LIFE SAVINGS OF A MAN THREE TIMES YOUR AGE

A man who went into hospital to have an ingrown toenail removed from his left foot woke up a few hours after the operation and discovered that the surgeon had amputated his right leg. Apologising profusely, they sent him back down to the operating theatre to treat the toenail, but sadly this went wrong. Infection set in and a few days later he had to have his other leg removed.
'I'm going to sue this hospital for every penny you've got!' he told the surgeon- 'I'm going to make sure that you're ruined!'
'Not a chance' said the surgeon. 'You haven't got a leg to stand on.'

A man goes to the clinic with a genital problem.
Doctor. "Go behind the curtain and get undressed"
The man undresses and the doctor looks at his genital area.
Doctor. "You've got G A S H"
Man. "What does that mean?"
Doctor. "Gonorrhea, Aids, Syphilis and Herpes"
Man. "Is there anything you can do for me?
Doctor. "Yes, I'll have to hospitalise you, and feed you on sole and pancakes"
Man. "Why?"
Doctor. "It's the only thing that will fit under the door!"

HOSPITAL

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. . . . . . . "I think you're bad luck."

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit, he accidentally rubs her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this, she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife. The Doctor then suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies: "She choked."

CONSULTANTS

The consultant was discussing a set of X-rays with a young student. 'As you can see, one hip is higher than the other,' the consultant pointed out. 'What would you expect to find wrong with him?' 'I assume he'd walk with a pronounced limp,' said the student.
And what would you do in this situation?'
'Well,' said the student, 'I assume I'd walk with a limp too

The professor said to the class, "Today we're going to discuss the lungs and the heart."
A medical student leaned over to his friend, "Damn! Not another organ recital!"

In a biology class, the prof was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?"
"That's correct", responded the prof, going on to add statistical info.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class... and never returned.
However, as she was going out the door, the Prof's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

The psychiatrist was giving a lecture, 'In my experience, many illnesses of a depressive nature are directly linked to physical activity, in fact I'd go so far as to say that there's a direct correlation between cheerfulness and the number of times people have sex.' The audience became more interested.
'Let's try a little experiment, shall we?' he suggested. 'Would all those who make love at least once a night stand up, please?' Several giggling young couples stood up.
'You see,' said the lecturer, 'look how bright and healthy they all seem. Now would those who make love three times a week stand up?' More couples got up. 'You can see that they're perfectly healthy" he said, 'but they don't seem to have quite the sparkle of the last lot, have they?' There was a murmur of agreement.
'And now would the people who only make love once a year stand up, please, I think you'll find that generally, ladies and gentlemen, these people will be depressed and miserable.' But even as he was speaking, a man in the front row stood up. He was beaming, positively glowing with excitement arid good cheer.
'I only have sex once a year,' he volunteered.
'Then why are you looking so pleased with yourself?' asked the lecturer, beginning to feel very foolish.
'Because,' said the man, 'tonight's the night!'

"Tetanus!" shouted the doctor upon entering the lecture hall. "Insulin! Booster!"
"What the heck is he doing?" one student asked, his friend replied, "Calling the shots."

A motorist who had broken down hailed the first car that passed him. 'Excuse me,' he said, 'but could you possibly give me a lift to the nearest town?'
'I'm sorry" said the other motorist, 'but I'm a chiropodist on my way to my surgery and I'm late already.'
'Good,' said the first motorist. 'In that case you can give me a tow.'

Two Young Doctors were in their favourite pub, when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down an burger too fast.
The first Doctor said to the other, "Think we ought to help?"
"Yep," said the second Doctor.
The first Doctor got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Can you breathe?" She shook her head no.
"Can you speak?" he asked. She shook her head no again.
With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and started to lick her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe again, with great relief.
The first Doctor turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!"

A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem and that he was unable to get his penis erect. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.
However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk into the man's penis.
The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.
However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprang from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can you do that again?"
With his eyes watering, he replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can fit another roll up my arse."

A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it. Realising his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's fucking great! Some asshole's got my pen!"

INSANE

A man walked into the psychiatrists wearing cling film trousers. The psychiatrist says, "I can clearly see you're nuts!"

A patient in the funny farm saves another patient from drowning in the bath.
The doctor looks at the patients file and says, "You must be cured, you acted rationally, you can go home, it's a pity the other man hanged himself later"
The patient replies, "No he didn't, I hung him up to dry!"

A patient in a mental ward said to the doctor, "Is that clock right?" "Yes" replied the doctor," "Well what's it doing in here?"

GYNECOLOGY

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
Doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breast.
"Do you know what I am doing know?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.
He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the first place."

The new baby was about to arrive. The doctor knocked on the door and was admitted by a little five year old girl, " Is Daddy in," the doctor asked, "No only me and Mummy " came the reply." I will have to ask your little girl to help me as I have no midwife" said the doctor to his anxious patient. Well after a while a healthy baby boy was delivered and as the doctor smacked his bottom he turned to his little sister and said "You know why I did that don't you ", "Oh yes!" she replied " that'll teach him not crawl in there again".

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist ? The genealogist looks up your family tree and the gynecologist looks up your family bush.

Did you hear about the gynaecologist? He decorated the hallway through the letterbox

The gynecologist finishes examining the woman and tells her, "I'm sorry Mrs Jones, but removing the vibrator will be a very delicate and expensive procedure". "I'm not sure I can afford that", the patient replies, "why don't you just replace the batteries?"

"Why do you want to specialise in gynecology?" asked the professor, the student replied, "I hear there are lot of openings."

VIAGRA

My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

A man goes to his doctors and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?" "Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history. "So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way. A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful! "Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician, "What does your wife think about it?" "Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't been home yet."

A group of masked bandits held up a medical supply warehouse, and stole 5000 Viagra pills, it is reported that police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

Bill - "have you heard of that new drug
Fred - "No what's that?"
Bill - "Junior Viagra
Fred - "Junior Viagra, what's that?"
Bill - "For wankers only!"

There's a new drug out, half Viagra, and half Vallium. If you don’t get a fuck, you don’t give a fuck.

Irish Medical Dictionary

ANALLY - Occurring yearly
ARTERY - The study of Paintings
BACTERIA - Back door of a cafeteria
BARIUM - What doctors do when patients die
BENIGN - Is what you will be after you be eight
BOWEL - A letter like A,E,I,O,U
CAESAREAN SECTION - A neighbourhood in Rome
CAT SCAN - Searching for kitty
CAUTERISE - Made eye contact with her
COLIC - Sheep dog
COMA - A punctuation mark
CONGENITAL - Friendly
D & C - Where Washington is
DILATE - To live longer
ENEMA - Not a friend
FESTER - Quicker
FIBULA - A small lie
GENITAL - Not a Jew
GI SERIES - A soldiers ball game
HANGNAIL - Coat hook
IMPOTENT - Distinguished, well known
INUENDO - An Italian suppository
LABOUR PAIN - Getting hurt at work
MEDICAL STAFF - Doctor's cane
MENSTRUAL CYCLE - Thing with three wheels
MORBID - A higher offer
NITRATES - Cheaper than day rates
NODE - Was aware of
OUT-PATIENT - A person who has fainted
PAPSMEAR - A fatherhood test
PELVIS - A cousin of Elvis
POSTOPERATIVE - A letter carrier
PROTEIN - favouring young people
RECOVERY ROOM - A place to do upholstery
RECTUM - Dang near killed 'em
SECRETION - hiding anything
SEIZURE - Roman Emperor
STEROIDS - Things to keep carpets on stairs
TABLET - A small table
TERMINAL ILLNESS - Getting sick at the airport
TESTICLES - found on an octopus
TIBIYA - country in North Africa
TUMOUR - More than one
UMBILICAL chord - Part of a parachute
URINE - Opposite of you’re out
VAGINA - Heart trouble
VARICOSE - Located nearby
VEIN - Conceited
VULVA - Swedish Car

Dear Doctor,

I wish to apply for a vasectomy. My reasons are numerous and after being married for 7 years and having 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are totally useless.

After getting married, I was told to use the "Rhythm method". Despite trying the Tango and Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha Cha, apart from which, where do you get a band at 5 o'clock in the morning.

A doctor suggested we use the "safe period", at the time we were living with the in laws and had to wait three weeks for a safe period when the house was empty, needless to say this didn't work.

A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love whilst breast-feeding we would be alright. It's hardly "Newcastle Brown", but I did finish up with a clear skin, silky hair and my wife pregnant.

Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. After constant breast feeding from my earlier attempt if my wife jumped up and down she would finish up with two black eyes and eventually knock herself unconscious.

I asked a chemist about the "Sheath". The chemist demonstrated how easy it was to use, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb, as the chemist showed me, can prevent babies.

She was then supplied with the "Coil", and after several unsuccessful attempts to fit it, we realised we had got a left hand thread and my wife is definitely a right hand screw.

The "Dutch cap" came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But alas, it did give my wife severe headaches. We were given the largest size available but it was still too tight across her forehead.

Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out. Then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife then started putting it between her knees, thus preventing me getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot the pill.

You must appreciate my problem, if this operation is not successful, I will have to revert to Oral Sex although just talking about it can never be a substitute for the real thing.

Yours faithfully

Ivor Bollockoff

THE VASECTOMY

HAZARDOUS MATERIALS HANDBOOK

ELEMENT: WOMAN

SYMBOL: Wo

DESCRIPTION: A digitated vertebrate mammalian biped (feminine)

DISCOVERER: Adam

ATOMIC WEIGHT: Accepted as 118 lb. but is known to vary from 100/160 lb.

OCCURRENCE: Surplus quantities in all urban areas.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

• Surface usually covered in painted films.
• Boils at nothing and freezes without reason but melts if given correct treatment.
• Bitter if used incorrectly.
• Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
• Non magnetic but attracted by coins.
• In its natural shape, the specimens vary considerably, but it is often changed artificially so well that the change is indiscernible except to the experienced eye.
• Yields to pressure if applied in right spots.

USES:

• Highly ornamental
• Can be a great aid to relaxation.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

• Possesses great affinity to gold, silver, platinum and precious stones.
• Able to absorb great quantities of expensive sustenance
• Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
• May explode spontaneously if left alone with male.
• Insoluble in liquids, but becomes pliable by saturation in alcohol.
• Leaves red deposits on china and cigarettes.
• Properties are vastly improved if the specimen is put in the dark.

TEST:

• Pure specimens turn tint if discovered in natural state.
• Turns green if placed beside better specimen.

CAUTION:

Highly dangerous except in experienced hands, and must be used with great care if experiments are to succeed. It is illegal to possess more than one specimen, although a certain amount of exchange is permitted.

A lady arrived at her First Aid class very excited. 'I saw a dreadful accident yesterday, she said, 'and you would have been so proud of me!'
'What did you do?'
'I took one look at the poor man lying in a pool of blood and I knew just what to do. I put my head between my knees to stop myself from fainting.'

This AIDS shit really bothers me!!!

Beer and Ice Cream Diet

Justification for beer and Ice cream! But stay away from the pizza!

As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C. For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal/gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gm) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalised.

Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.

Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.

This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each gram of beer contains 0.5 latent calories, but extracts 36 calories in the temperature normalising process. Thus the net calorie loss per gm of beer is 35.5 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 16420 calories (464 gm (1 pint). x 35.5 cal./gm) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a pint of beer.

Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.

Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.

We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer, and ice cream diet.

Happy eating!

A man's wife had just had a baby and the midwife asked him to bathe the baby while she saw to the mother.
Ten minutes later, the midwife walks into the bathroom to find the man with his fingers up the baby's nose. "No, no, no," she cries, "That’s not the way to bathe a baby!" "It is when the waters too hot!" says the man.

THE BEST OF THE WORST OF ER.

A few stories from our nation's Emergency Rooms to prove that fact is stranger than fiction.

A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitro-glycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitro-glycerin explode.

A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild abdominal pain. During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady had inserted a whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina. Unable to have children she was hoping that the chicken would turn into a baby.

A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on himself in a drunken rage and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he could reattach the man’s genitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in good condition. The police were dispatched to the man's house and the search was on. During the search, one of the officers heard a choking sound coming from the man's poodle that was sitting in the corner. After a brief fight, the officer was able to retrieve the man's jewels from the dog's mouth. After inspection of the parts by the urologist it was decided that the man would need to be taught to pee while sitting. The officer was given a commendation from his precinct for medical assistance.

Six firemen dragged a woman with shortness of breath and who weighed approximately 500 lbs into the ER on a tarp. While trying to undress the lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last but not least during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch".

A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!" At this the grandmother started to cry and the baby's father had to be restrained. What the doctor should have been saying was "Puja!" (Push!). Instead, he was saying, "Whore! Whore! Whore!"

An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with cocaine induced seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a catheter and a neatly folded twenty-dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold. When the man woke up and demanded to leave, the nurse gave him back his belongings and told him where she had found the money. His response: "It was a fifty, bitch!"

An elderly woman came into the ER complaining, "I got the green vines in my virginny". A pelvic exam verified that she did, indeed, have a six-inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal vault. It was easily removed and looked very much like a potato. It was, indeed, a potato. The patient said that her uterus was falling out and that she "put a potato in there to hold it up" and then forgot about it.

A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning, the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to the young female's room. Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you're not sexually active?" Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there." Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?" Patient: "No. Who?"

A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts, the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"

A 15-year old boy was lying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with a needle he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly, "I've been screwing the dog?"

A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. "Then I went to the bathroom and 'gagged' myself to vomit, but couldn't vomit it up either."

The most non-emergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him, "This is all in your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally, the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says, "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say "123" and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says, "All you or your partner has to say is "1234" and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year". So, the guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. While lying in bed with her he says, "123", and suddenly he gets an erection. His wife turns over and says, "What did you say 123 for?"

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
3. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

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