EXPAT JOKES > MARRIAGE JOKES 2
MARRIAGE IS...
A word which always means commitment - but so does insanity.
A ceremony favored in England - it's the only way to beat their cold winters and lack of central heating.
The only permanent cure for love.
Something which is called a feast - unfortunately, the appetizer being better than the main course.
The process that turns a female from an attraction into a distraction...
Occurs where a man gets hooked by his own line.
The process of finding out the kind of guy your wife would have preferred.
A condition where no wife gets what she expected, and no husband expected what he was getting.
A book in which the first chapter is written in poetry and the rest of the pages is prose.
Not a word, but a sentence.
A delightful form of combat where you get to sleep with the enemy.
While going through his wife’s dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious
items, she confessed: "Over the years, I haven’t been completely faithful to you."
"When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion," she explained.
The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget a few moments of weakness in his wife.
"I’m curious though," he said, "Where did the thirty dollars come from?"
"Oh that, " his wife replied, "Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!"
A couple who have been married for thirty years decide to go back to the place where they first shagged for a 'repeat performance'. Afterwards the husband says, "Darling, you didn't quiver and shake like that 30 years ago". She replies, "30 years ago that fence wasn't electrified!"
A couple meet, and after a whirlwind courtship decide to get married. On their wedding night, the bride goes up to bed to wait for her new husband, who doesn't know she has a false leg. He gets into bed, kisses her and has a feel around, but he can only find one leg. "Where's the other leg?" he asks, "on the dressing table" she replies", "You silly cow, you don't need to open them that wide!"
A newly married couple decided that sex was a vulgar word for making love and decided they'd rename it 'washing machine'. One night the husband was feeling frisky so he whispered in his wife's ear, "washing machine", "Certainly not" she replied. After a while she decided she might have been a bit harsh on her new husband, so she rolled over and whispered, "washing machine", in his ear. He replied with, "You've got no chance love, it was only a small load and I've done it by hand now!"
A young couple on their wedding night couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they had to stay at her mother's house. After supper her mother told them to go up to bed because she would clear up. The husband gets undressed, the bride notices he has no toes on one foot so she rushes downstairs and says to her mother, "Mother, he's got a foot and a half!" mother replies, "You do the dishes dear, this is a job for your mother."
A man has a nagging wife. They are driving along when she falls out of the car without the man noticing. A policeman stops him half a mile down the road and points this out! The man replies with relief, "Thank God! I thought I'd gone deaf!"
An angry wife met her husband at the door.
There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.
"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?
"There is," he replied, "Breakfast."
Two married blokes are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and say, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been drinking, I turn the
headlights off before I get to the driveway, I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom, I
ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and say, "AND WHAT TIME DO YOU CALL THIS?"
His mate looks at him and says, "Well you're obviously taking the wrong approach, I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the stairs, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed,
rub my cold hands on my wife's arse and say, "How about a blow job??" … and she's always sound asleep.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in...
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the Wife
became pregnant and, sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he
could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my
naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast, bacon eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? A Ryvita? Grapefruit with ginger and coffee to follow?
He declines. "It's this Viagra", he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite".
At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something, perhaps a bowl of home made soup with (mmmmmmmm), a cheese sandwich? Perhaps a plate of French fries and a beer?
He declines. "It's this Viagra", he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite".
Come supper time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the fish 'n chip shop and buy him a haddock supper. Maybe a steak and chips or a stew? Maybe he'd like a pizza microwaved? Or a
tasty stir fry that would only take a couple of minutes?
He declines. "It's this Viagra", he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite".
"Well", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm fucking starving".
A man gets bored of having sex with his wife. He tells his best friend who tells him, "Why don't you do it like the Chinese do it?" The guy asks, "Well, how do the
Chinese do it?"
"The Chinese, they screw a little, then they stop, go outside for a little while, come back in, screw a little bit more, leave for a few minutes, come back in, screw a little bit more..."
So the man goes home and starts screwing his wife. Then he stops and goes outside, smokes a cigarette, comes back in and starts screwing again, gets up, comes back in, gets up a third time and
his wife says, "Hey! What's the matter with you? You're screwing just like a Chinaman!"
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon gets to the hotel room. When they start to have sex, the wife says that she has something to confess. The husband says, "I will love you no matter
what it is, tell me."
So the wife tells him that she is actually extremely flat chested.
The husband says, "I can deal with that."
He takes off her shirt and shouts, "Boy! you are small, but I love you anyway."
The husband says, "I have something to confess also."
She says, "No matter what I will still love you."
He says, "Okay. I am built like a baby down there."
She says, "I can deal with that."
So he pulls down his pants and his wife passes out! He fans her and she finally gets up.
She says, "I thought you said you were built like a baby?"
He says, "Yeah....7lbs, 21inches."
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double.
The man thinks for a moment and then says "OK", give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
"Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress.
If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.
Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse.
And most importantly. Make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.
If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
The old woman unfortunately left her glasses on the table, but didn't miss them until they were back on the road.
By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.
The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant.
When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses,
the old man said, "While you're in there, can you get my hat, too.
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year.
Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane.
"And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride cost ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you
say one word it's ten dollars.
"Stumpy and Martha agree and up they go.
The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy,
"By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't.
"Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
A young man said to his girlfriend's father, "I realise this is only a formality, but would you mind me marrying your daughter?"
"Who says it's only a formality?" asked the father angrily.
"Her obstetrician" replied the young man.
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and thought "It really works!"
A mans wife is naked, looking at herself in the mirror, "I wish my boobs were bigger", she says, "Have you tried rubbing toilet paper between them?" Hubby replies, "will that really make them grow bigger?" she asks. "Well it worked for your arse!....
A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days.
An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin
and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.
"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love".
The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window ... they're choking my ducks!"
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
A guy gets married and for the first year he never leaves his wife alone. Every day , morning noon and night, he is at it .
His wife is a little pissed off about this so she goes to her mother and says "Mom, he won't leave me alone , every day, 4-5 times a day, he's like a rabbit."
Her mother tells her to go to the fish mongers and get a fish and place it in her pussy.
That night the husband comes home and drags her upstairs, rips of her clothes and proceeds to make love to her . On entry he screams and pulls out, he is bleeding and covered in scratches, so for the
next year he does not even look at his wife.
She, beginning to feel a little randy after this long lay off, again approaches her mother and asks for advice.
Her mother tells her to wait until he is in bed and then show him what he is missing .
That night , he is lying in bed , she strips off and climbs onto the bed. She then steps over him, but just as her ass is passing his face , she farts.
The guy looks up and says "Bark you bastard, but you won't bite me again!!"
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people
do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, would you tell me in what manner you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."