EXPAT JOKES > LADIES ONLY JOKES 2

A girl took a boy back to her place for a bit of 'rumpy-pumpy'. To decide whether he was a giver or a taker she put two chocolates inside her, if the guy went down on her he was a giver, and the chocolates would be a surprise. But if he went straight for a bit of 'how's your father', that would make him a taker and he'd end up with a brown tadger and would think he got the wrong hole. She would then go down on him and he'd think she was into licking shit

Q. What's the difference between a golf ball and a 'G' spot?
A. A man will spend all day looking for a golf ball.

Q. What's the difference between a man and a light bulb?
A. A light bulb is brighter, and a man is easier to turn on.

Q. Why can't single women fart?
A. They don't get an arsehole until they marry.

A man buys Olympic condoms and says to his wife, "I will use the gold tonight," she says, "why not use silver, and come second for once!"

A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman “Do you know what your asshole does when you’re having an orgasm?” “Sure” she said. “He’s at home, taking care of the kids.”

Two women talking together, one says to the other, "Does your cunt sweat after sex?" the other says, "No he usually turns over and goes to sleep."

A woman in a supermarket sees a deal offering 5 boxes of Tampons for 1 pound. She cannot believe how good the deal is and asks the manager "Is this deal correct?' "Yes madam, 5 boxes for a pound, no strings attached."

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies
"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

25 Snappy Comebacks to the age old question "Why aren't you married yet?"
I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
What? And spoil my great sex life?
Nobody would believe me in white.
Just lucky, I guess.
My fiancé is awaiting parole.
I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss United Kingdom.
Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
We really want to, but my sisters husband just won't go for it.
I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
Why aren't you thin?

A woman walks into a very expensive shop selling  Persian rugs.
She sees a nice rug and walks over to look at it. As she bends to inspect the rug she lets out a loud fart. Embarrassed, she looks around to see if anyone has noticed.
As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"
He answers, "Lady if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when you hear the price.

Jack was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber.
He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Becky," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!"
"I know," Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you."

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There's nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There's nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the crack in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

It's 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The dealers agree. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm naked." With that she strips naked, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!" With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!"

Two southern girls from Georgia were sitting on their front porch one evening.
One girl had just arrived back from New York and she was telling her girlfriend about some of the sites she had seen in the big city.
In a heavy southern drawl, she says, "You know, they have women up there who have sex with other women."
In a whispered voice, her friend replies, "Oh, my! What do they call them?" "They call them lesbians."
"And there's men who have sex with other men," says the women. "They call them homosexuals."
Then, she pauses, lowers her voice even more and says, "And, they have these men up there that will put their face in a woman's privates and kiss and lick all around..."
"Do tell!" gasps her friend, "What do they call them?"
"Heck if I know, I just patted him on the head and called him Precious."

A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends £3,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way  home she stops at a  newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," the clerk replies. "I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonalds and upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question.
She replies, "I'd guess about  29".
The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about  herself. While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question.
He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your boobs. Then I can tell exactly how old you are." 
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of  the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead".
The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around.
After a couple of minutes she says, "Okay, Okay, how old  am I?"
He removes his hands and says, "You are 47." Stunned the woman says, "That is amazing. How did you know?".
The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at  McDonalds".

A lady just moved to a new house, meets her next door neighbour for a chat over the garden fence. All of a sudden she says, oh Christ here comes my husband. The neighbour says oh look he has brought you a lovely bunch of flowers. Oh not again she says. What is wrong with that her neighbour asks?? It means I will have to spend the weekend on my back with legs wide open and in the air. No need for that the neighbourly lady says, I can lend you a vase till you get sorted.

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.
The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me.
One Kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and we can marry, move into the castle with my mother, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel happy doing so."
That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she laughed to herself and thought, "To hell with that!"

A woman dials 999.
Operator: Emergency, which service?
Woman: Ambulance please
Operator: Can you tell me the nature of the problem madam?
Woman: I'm pregnant
Operator: I'm sorry madam, this is an emergency service only. You can't have an ambulance just because you're pregnant.
Woman: You don't understand, my waters have broken.
Operator: Well madam, that's different. Can you tell me where you're ringing from?
Woman: My fanny to my ankles.

One day three guys were out walking, and they found a lamp. So, they rubbed the lamp and a genie popped out. He says "I'll grant you each one wish." These guys weren't so bright, so they all wanted to be smarter. The first guy says "I wish I was 10 times smarter." The genie says "POOF! You're 10 times smarter." The second guy says "I wish to to be 100 times smarter." and the genie says "POOF! You're 100 times smarter." The last guy says "I wish to be 1000 times smarter" And the genie says "POOF!! You're a woman!!"

A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."
The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???"
The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"
The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er... features... of a male and a female."
The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis... AND a brain?"

In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news" she said as she surveyed the worried  faces, "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."  The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
After a length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "£5000 for a male brain, and £200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure.  We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."

HIS and HERS Road Trip

HERS:
1. Pulls off at wrong exit.
2. Opens window
3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer
4. Arrives at destination presently.

HIS:
1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.
2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
4. finally rolls down window
5. hocks a loogie
7. gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky
8. Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
9. Gets back into car.
10. farts
11. after he closes the door.
12. laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
14. almost hits a deer
15. curses the night
16. curses you
17. curses the large slurpee
18. stops by the side of the road
19. takes a leak
20. still taking a leak.
21. almost done
22. I think.
23. returns to car
24. Drives and fiddles with radio.
25. yells at you for suggesting the map again
26. admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.
27. He hates your sister.
28. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel
29. He had to look up pernicious.
30. Couldn't find a dictionary.
31. finally found a dictionary
32. Couldn't spell pernicious.
33. seethes at the memory of it all
34. But she is laughing inside...
35. And of course you're still lost.

Men Are Like...
Men are like... place mats. They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like... mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like... bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like... government bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like... parking spots. All the good ones are taken.
Men are like... copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like... lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like... bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like... high heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like... miniskirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

40 Reasons why a Cucumber is better than a Man

1. The average cucumber is at least six inches long.
2. Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
3. A cucumber won't tell you that size doesn't count
4. Cucumbers never get too excited.
5. You can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket ... and you know how firm it is before you take one home.
6. You can go to a movie with a cucumber ... and choose the movie.
7. At a drive-in you can stay in the front seat - a cucumber can always wait until you get home.
8. A cucumber doesn't give you love bites or bags under the eyes.
9. A cucumber won't ask, "Am I the first"
10. A cucumber won't tell the other cucumbers that you're not a virgin any more.
11. A cucumber doesn't care if you were ever a virgin.
12. Cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed with your boots on.
13. You can have as many cucumbers as you want.
14. You can cat cucumbers when you feel like it.
15. Cucumbers aren't jealous of your gynaecologist, ski instructor, or hairdresser.
16. Cucumbers aren't into meaningful discussions.
17. A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the fridge.
18. No matter how old you are you can always get a fresh cucumber.
19. A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
20. With a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry.
21. Cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow.
22. Cucumbers can stay up all night ... and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot.
23. Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month.
24. Cucumbers never answer your phone, or borrow your car.
25. A cucumber won't eat all your food or drink all your alcohol (or both)
26. Cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on your floor.
27. With a cucumber, the toilet scat is always the way you left it.
28. A cucumber will never leave you for: a) another woman b) another man c) another cucumber.
29. You always know where your cucumber has been.
30. You won't find out later that your cucumber:- a) is married b) is on penicillin c) likes you but loves your brother.
31. You don't have to wait until half time to talk to your cucumber.
32. Cucumbers never expect you to have to have little cucumbers.
33. It's easy to drop a cucumber.
34. A cucumber won't eat crackers in bed.
35. Cucumbers don't leave a funny taste in your mouth.
36. A cucumber doesn't come home drunk after a night out with the cucumbers.
37. There is never any threat of your cucumber being homosexual.
38. Cucumbers don't steal all the covers, and will stay with you until morning - if you want.
39. No matter how you slice it, you can have your cucumber and eat it too.
40. A cucumber doesn't play Rugby.

25 REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX

1. You can get chocolate.
2. 'If you love me you'll swallow that' has real meaning with chocolate.
3. You can safely have chocolate while you're driving.
4. Chocolate satisfies even when it's gone soft.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of the mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard, the chocolate won't scream.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being shunned
9. The word 'commitment' won't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on your desk without upsetting your mates.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. You can have chocolate anytime of the month.
14. With chocolate there is no need to fake it.
15. Good chocolate is easy to find.
16. You can have as many kinds of chocolate that you can handle.
17. You are never too old or young for chocolate.
18. When you have chocolate it doesn't keep the neighbours awake.
19. With chocolate it doesn't matter, its always good.
20. You don't have to beg to get chocolate.
21. You can have chocolate with little kiddies and not go to jail.
22. Chocolate doesn't keep you awake after you've had it.
23. You can have chocolate all weekend and still walk OK on Monday morning.
24. It's easy to find nine inches of chocolate.
25. Chocolate won't let you down in depressing situations.

The other day my friends and I went to a 'Ladies night club'. One of the girls wanted to impress us so she pulls out a £5 note, the dancer came over to us, she licked the note and stuck it to the dancer's ass cheek. Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a £10 note, licks the note and sticks it on the dancer's other ass cheek. Another friend, eager to outdo us, gets out a £20 note, licks it and sticks it on the dancer's ass. The dancer looks hopefully at me, being a financial analyst, I sized up the situation, got out my Visa card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the £35 and went home.

Did you know that there are 27 body parts on a MAN which are useless?

MAN has:
20 nails that can't be hammered.
An Adam's apple that can't be eaten.
2 breasts that can't give milk.
A belly button that can't be buttoned;
2 balls that can't be kicked
and finally, a cock that doesn't crow......

Why are you women laughing?

One liners for the 90's woman...

• I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
• This isn't an office. Its Hell with fluorescent lighting.
• Do I look like a fxxxx people person?
• I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
• If I throw a stick, will you leave?
• If I want to hear the patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
• See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
• Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
• What ever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
• I am doing my best to imagine you with a personality.
• Okay, okay I take it back. UnFxxx you!
• Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
• Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
• And which dwarf are you?
• How do I set a laser printer to stun?
• It's not the size that counts, it's the ....... no, it is the size.
• Well today was a waste of makeup.

Tell Me It's Just P.M.S. And I'll Staple Your Nuts To The Floor!

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving call 0800-***-****."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

32 REASONS WHY CAKE DOUGH IS BETTER THAN MEN

1. It's enjoyable hard or soft
2. It makes a mess too, but it tastes better
3. It doesn't mind if you take your anger out on it
4. You always want to swallow
5. It won't complain if you share it with friends
6. It's "quick and convenient"
7. You can enjoy it more than once.
8. It comes already protectively wrapped.
9. You can make it as large as you want.
10. If you don't finish it you can save it for later.
11. It's easier to get the kind you want.
12. You can comparison shop.
13. It's easier to find in a grocery store.
14. You can put it away when you've had enough.
15. You know yours has never been eaten before.
16. It won't complain if you chew on it.
17. It comes chocolate flavoured.
18. You always know when to get rid of it.
19. You can return it--satisfaction is guaranteed.
20. It's always ready to go.
21. You won't get arrested if you eat it in public.
22. You don't have to change the sheets if you eat it in bed.
23. It won't wake you up because it's hard.
24. You don't have to find an excuse not to eat it.
25. You can tell your friends how much you've eaten without sounding like you're bragging.
26. It won't take up room in your bed.
27. It's easy to pick up.
28. You never have unwanted cookie dough chasing you around.
29. You know what the extra weight is from
30. It won't get jealous if you pick up another one.
31. It never has an insecurity problem with its size.
32. It is very pliable.

TO SMART WOMEN EVERYWHERE!

• I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb ... and I also know that I'm not blonde. -Dolly Parton-
• You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -Erica Jong-
• I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labour for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. -Rita Rudner-
• I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. - Wendy Liebman-
• Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. -Erma Bombeck-
• If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. -Sue Grafton-
• I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr-
• I think-therefore I'm single. -Lizz Winstead-
• When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. -Elayne Boosler-
• Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -Maryon Pearson-
• I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. -Gilda Radner-
• In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher-
• I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. -Gloria Steinhem-
• I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home, which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog, which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. -Marie Corelli-
• Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths. -Baroness Edith Summerskill
• If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck -Linda Ellerbee
• I am a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor-
• An English professor wrote the words, "a woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
• The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
• The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

SEMINARS FOR FEMALES

• Elementary Map Reading
• Crying and Law Enforcement
• Advanced Mathematics Seminar: Programming Your VCR
• You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours
• Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast
• The Seven-Outfit Week
• PMS: It's your Problem, Not Mine ("It's happened monthly since puberty, deal with it")
• Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmissions
• Driving lI: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights
• Driving Ill: Approximating a Constant Speed
• Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water
• Football: Not a Game: A Sacrament
• Telephone Translations (formerly titled "Me Too - Equals I Love You")
• How to Earn Your Own Money
• Gift-giving Fundamentals (formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics Good")
• Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
• Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
• Yes, You Can Fill Up At A Self Serve Petrol Station
• Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels
• What Goes Around Comes Around:- Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy
• His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too
• His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
• To Honour and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above "I Do"
• Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House
• Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimised Sensitive Man?

The Good Wife Guide. - A lesson to us all - the key to a happy and fulfilling relationship.......

Have dinner ready.
Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return from work. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.
Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
Prepare yourself.
Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives.
Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
Clear away the clutter.
Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Gather up school books, toys, papers etc. and then run a dust cloth over the tables. During the colder months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction. Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
Be happy to see him.
Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first, remember his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
Make the evening his.
Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquillity where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. Don't greet him with complaints and problems. Don't complain if he's late home for dinner, or even stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
Make him comfortable.
Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange the pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness.
Once he has had a chance to have his evening meal clear the dishes and wash up promptly. If your husband should offer to help decline his offer as he may feel obliged to repeat this offer and after a long working day he does not need the extra work. Encourage your husband to pursue his hobbies and interests and be supportive without seeming to encroach.
If you have any little hobbies yourself try not to bore him speaking of these, as women's interests are often rather trivial compared to men's.
At the end of the evening tidy the home ready for the morning and again think ahead to his breakfast needs. Your husband's breakfast is vital if he is to face the outside world in a positive fashion.
Once you have both retired to the bedroom prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom as he would have to do for his train. But remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious.
If you need to apply face-cream or hair-rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night.
When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your commitment to obey him. If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately then so be it. In all things be lead by your husband's wishes, do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy. Should your husband suggest congress then accede humbly all the while being mindful that a man's satisfaction is more important than a woman's. When he reaches his moment of fulfillment a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had.
Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices, be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent. It is likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your night time face and hair care products. You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning. This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready when he awakes.
This is an actual extract from a Home Economics textbook printed in the early 60's. Absolutely unbelievable. Oh where can I get a copy of this book?!!

25 Things a Wife would say in a 'perfect' world!

1. I'll swallow it all...I love the taste!
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
5. That was a great fart! Do another one!
6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12. I'll be painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday, too.
14. Honey, our new neighbors 16 year old daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
15. I know it's a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again?
16. No, No, I'll take the car for an oil change.
17. Your mother is way better than mine.
18. Do me a favor...forget the stupid Valentines day thing and buy yourself some new clubs.
19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for christ's sake, you go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Oh come on.. what do you say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints and have my friend Bridget over for a threesome!
21. Not the fucking mall again... come on let's go to the new strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us--why don't you retire and get that nagging golf handicap down to a 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep...stop getting up for the baby's night feedings.
24. If I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I am going to explode!!
25. I signed up for aerobics so that I can get my ankles behind my ears for you!!

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course", says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".

TOP 10 THINGS A MAN WOULD DO IF HE WOKE UP AND HAD A VAGINA FOR A DAY

10.Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers
9. Squat over a hand mirror for an hour and a half
8. See if they could finally do the splits
7. see if its truly possible to launch a Ping-Pong ball 20 feet
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes…. (Before closing time)
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first
3. Go to the gynaecologist and have a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING A MAN WOULD DO IS:-
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

TOP 10 THINGS A WOMAN WOULD DO IF SHE WOKE UP WITH A PENIS FOR A DAY:

10.Get ahead faster in corporate America
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men in the urinal
6. Determine why you can't hit the bowel consistently
5. Find out what its like being on the other end of a surging orgasm
4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it is in public
3. Jump up and down naked and see if it's as funny as it looks
2. Understand the reason for the light refraction that occurs between a mans eyes and the ruler situated next to his member
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING A WOMAN WOULD DO IS:-
1. Repeat number 9

A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS

• If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realise that you had set it free... You either married it or gave birth to it.
• Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
• My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
• The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
• The nice part about living in a small town. When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.
• Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
• Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
• Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
• They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty .... do it and die."
• I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

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