EXPAT JOKES > MEN ONLY JOKES 2

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

The following are all replies that have been included on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details.

"Regarding the identity of the father of my twins. Child A was fathered by [name removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night."

"I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps."

"I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party [address and date given] where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks"

"I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced."

"I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again."

"I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by my country. Please advise."

"I do not know who the father of my child was, as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket."

"[name given] is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs ?"

"From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom."

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and she agrees to spend the afternoon with him for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but that he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary sends a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:
Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home. However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady!

A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her - knowing that if she accepts It, She is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, explaining with a gesture: "This is from the gentleman over there." She looks at the champagne and decides to Send note, back with the bottle, to the men. The note reads: "For me to accept this bottle. you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, £1M in the bank. and seven inches in your pants." After reading this note, the man sends a note back to her saying: "Just so you know - I happen to have two Mercedes in my garage, I have over £2M in the bank, but not even for YOU, would l cut off two inches! Send the bottle back."

A car salesman walked into a Bar, sat down next to this nice looking Blond and ordered a double shot of Scotch straight up.
The bartender asked, "are you having a bad day"?
The salesman replied, Yes, it's this damn economy, if I don't sell more Cars I'm going to loose my ass.
The salesman then quickly turned to the nice looking Blond and apologized for his crude statement.
The Blond said "no problem, if I don't sell more ass, I'm going to loose my Car!

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner."
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

YOU DON'T KNOW JACK SCHITT?
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt " Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep &. Schitt Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pizza Schitt.
So now if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them, not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family!

DAMN, IT'S GOOD TO BE A MAN

• Your last name stays put.
• The garage is all yours.
• Wedding plans take care of themselves.
• Chocolate is just another snack.
• You can be president.
• You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
•  Car mechanics tell you the truth.
• You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
•  The world is your urinal.
• You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
• Same work... more pay.
• Wrinkles add character.
• Wedding Dress £5000; Suit rental £100.
• People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
•  The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
• New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
• Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
• One mood, ALL the damn time.
• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
• You know stuff about tanks.
• A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
• You can open all your own jars.
• Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
• You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
• You can kill your own food.
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
• If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
• Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack.
• If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
• Everything on your face stays its original color.
• You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
• You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
• You can quietly watch a match with a mate for hours without thinking: He must be mad at me.
• You don't mooch off other's desserts.
• You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
• You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
• You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
• You don't have to shave below your neck.
• Your belly usually hides your big hips.
• One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
• You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
• You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner:
"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape. "Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.
So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).
That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.
"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.
So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.
"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.
Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."

A man and woman are getting all snugly in bed.
The passion is heating up but then the lady stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
The guy says "WHAT??"
The lady explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.
Then he realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the man takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits.
She can't decide. He tells his woman to take all three of them.
Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each, then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings.
The lady is so excited. She thinks her guy has flipped out, but she does not care.
She goes for the tennis bracelet.
He says "you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it."
The woman is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."
The man stops and says, "No, I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."
The woman's face goes blank.
He Continues-"I just wanted you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode.
The guy says, "You need to be in tune with my financial needs as a Man".

A woman runs out of her house one morning and catches a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
"You're a leprechaun," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!" "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?" "I want a huge mansion to live in." "OK, you've got it." "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars" "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes"
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies
"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in leprechauns"

The five kinds of sex
The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period, you keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"
And the fifth kind is a Divorce Sex. This is where you get fucked in court.

Editors Note: what happened to plumber sex? where you stay in all day and nobody comes.

Mary went to Jill's place to tell her about a horrible experience she had the previous night with this guy she took home. Well, what happened when you got there? Jill asked. The S.O.B. called me a slut! Mary said. What did you do then? Jill asked, shocked. I told him to get out of my bedroom and take his eight friends with him!

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs help to fill in her tax return. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, national insurance number, etc., and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK, I'm a prostitute." "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."

A guy pulls into a little town, and every hotel room is taken. He says to the last hotel clerk, "You've must have a room somewhere. Or just a bed, please, I'm really beat." The clerk says, "Well, I do have a double room with only one occupant, and I'm sure he'd be glad to split the cost. But he snores so loudly that the people in the adjoining rooms have been complaining all week." The guy says, "No problem, I'll take it." The next morning the guy comes down to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. The manager says, "How'd you sleep with him snoring?" The guy says, "I shut him up quick." The manager says, "How'd you do that?" The guy says, "He was already in bed snoring away when I came into the room. So I went over, gave him a big kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Good night, beautiful.' And he sat up and watched me all night."

The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads!
FIRST THE ADS FROM WOMEN:-
(the men are below)
Size 10 = Size 12 at least.
40-ish = 48
Adventurer = Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic = Flat-chested
Average looking = Ugly
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Contagious Smile = Bring your penicillin
Educated = College dropout
Emotionally Secure = Medicated
Feminist = Fat; ball buster
Free spirit = Substance user
Friendship first = Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun = Annoying
Gentle = Comatose
Good Listener = Borderline Autistic
New-Age = All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned = Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded = Desperate
Outgoing = Loud
Passionate = Randy
Poet = Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional = Real Witch
Redhead = Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque = Grossly Fat
Romantic = Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous = Very Fat
Weight proportional to height = Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate = One step away from stalking
Widow = Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart = Toothless crone

THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST
40-ish = 52 and looking for a 25-yr-old
Athletic = Sits on the couch and watches Sky Sport
Average looking = Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated = Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit = Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first = As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun = Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking = Arrogant
Honest = Pathological Liar
Huggable = Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle = Insecure, overly dependent
Mature = Until you get to know him
Open-minded = Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
Physically fit = I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself
Poet = Has written on a toilet wall
Spiritual = Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
Stable = Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful = Says "Please" when demanding a beer

A traveling salesman's car breaks down on a deserted road, and he seeks refuge from the evening storm at a nearby farmhouse.
The farmer, being a kindly soul, says to the man that he can spend the night and they'll sort his car out in the morning.
"There's only one small problem," says the farmer, "We don't have much room, so y'all will have to either sleep on the couch, or share the spare bedroom with Baby."
Thoughts of middle-of-the-night crying, early-morning nappy changing and all those other unpleasant things that come with sharing a room with a strange baby spring to mind, so the salesman agrees to sleep on the couch.
The next morning, he walks into the kitchen in the hopes of scoring some breakfast, and he sees this absolutely stunning, blonde, tits like melons and legs that went right up to her neck, she was busy making coffee and dressed in just a silk negligee,
She turns around when he walks in and coos: "Hi, I'm Baby, who are you?"
He replies: "I'm the stupid fucker who just spent the whole of last night alone on the couch!!"

The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor: "As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm. She will answer, 'I'm the Egg. From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?"
The sperm nodded affirmatively and the instructor said, "Then, good luck!"
Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes up immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm. He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approach the red, sticky ball.
When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says "Hi, I'm a sperm."
The red sticky ball smiles and says "Hi. I'm a tonsil."

"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"

(That was the 2002 joke of the year, according to the British Association for the Advancement of Science )

THE COMMON FART is the fart heard most often. It is a very close relative of the "Ripper," but is released with less force. It is usually heard in groups where people aren't yet comfortable with farting amongst each other. Therefore, one person in the group gets up some nerve and releases this common-sounding fart in such a manner that everyone now feels comfortable with group flatulence.. Usually there is no smell with the Common Fart.

THE ANXIOUS FART is let in a place where someone does not want the fart to be heard. You may have seen men and women in book stores or grocery stores, or even on the street, letting these farts. They are generally controlled, usually barely audible, and require much skill to master.

THE COUGHING FART is one that the farter tries to cover up with a cough. My dad used to let these farts all the time when he worked at the Bingo Hall. He would stand at the back of the hall and cough, just as a nice "common fart" was let. It can be embarrassing for the farter, and those around the farter, if the timing is off at all, or if the fart is longer than anticipated.

THE WET FART is one that sounds quite juicy. Quite often this fart is cause for alarm, and an indication that a trip to the toilet is imminent.

THE BLOWER FART is similar to the ripper, except it has a bit of a hollow, windy sound to it. This is due to farter blowing all the gas out quickly. This fart will almost always get a laugh.

TIGHT BUN FART is always recognisable. It sounds like the farter's buns were so tight that he/she was in pain while farting.

THE RIPPER FART is one of the best farts around is The Ripper. It is loud, rough, and always raises an eyebrow or two. Characteristics of The Ripper often show up in other farts, but make no mistake - this fart is a single, powerful gas-bubble that comes screaming from the farter's butt.

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently "widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"Well... she just died and left me everything in her estate."

A man goes into a restaurant and orders soup. When the waiter brings out the bowl he has his thumb stuck in the soup, but the customer decides to let it go.
"Would you like anything else?" the waiter inquires. "We have some very good beef stew today."
"Sounds good," says the customer. So the waiter goes off and comes back with a plate of stew, and his thumb is in the stew. The customer is getting angry now, but decides to hold his tongue.
"How about some hot apple pie?" asks the waiter.
"Fine," says the customer. The waiter returns with his thumb stuck in the pie. Now the customer is really getting furious.
"Coffee?" asks the waiter, and when the customer nods yes, he hurries off. He returns with his thumb stuck in the cup of coffee. By now the customer can no longer restrain himself.
"What the hell do you think you're doing? Every time you've come to the table you've had your thumb stuck in my food!"
"I've got an infection and my doctor told me to keep my thumb in a hot, moist place."
"Why don't you just stick it up your ass?"
"Where do you think I put it when I'm in the kitchen?"

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