EXPAT JOKES > ENGINEERING JOKES

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a civil engineer were arguing over what type of engineer god was. The ME pointed to the body's intricate skeletal/muscular system and proudly stated that god must have been an ME. The EE said that was OK but he felt that the brain and nervous system were of such incredible design and complexity that god had to be an EE. The ME and the EE both looked at the Civil engineer who was smiling at their discussion. "I suppose you think god was a civil engineer" they said. "Of course" replied the CE. "Who else would run a sewer system through a major recreational area"?

The Engineers and the Lawyers
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train.  The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train as departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.  So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.  When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.  To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.  The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding.  He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

ENGINEERING VOCABULARY

A CLARIFICATION
- To confuse the situation with facts.

A CONFERENCE
- Organised confusion during coffee break.

A MEETING
- Coffee break.

A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED
- We are still pissing in the wind.

A PROGRAM
- Any assignment that cannot be completed by one telephone call.

ALL NEW
- Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.

CHANNEL
- The trail of inter office memos.

CLOSE PROJECT CO-ORDINATION
- We know who to blame.

CONSULTANT (OR EXPERT)
- Any ordinary guy more than 50 miles from home.

CO-ORDINATOR
- The guy with a desk between two expediters.

CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS ASSURED
- We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.

ENERGY SAVING
- Achieved when the power switch is off.

EXPEDITE
- To confound confusion with commotion.

EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM
- We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING
- We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.

GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION
- I can't wait to hear this bull!

INFORMED SOURCE
- The guy who told the guy you just met.

IT IS IN THE PROCESS
- It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.

LET'S GET TOGETHER ON THIS
I'm assuming you are as confused as I am.

LIGHTWEIGHT
- Lighter than RUGGED.

LOW MAINTENANCE
- Impossible to fix if broken.

MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
- It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.

PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL
- Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.

PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE
- The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

RE ORIENTATION
- Two weeks after vacation.

RELIABLE SOURCE
- The guy you just met.

RUGGED
- Too damn heavy to lift!

SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS
- Come into my office, I'm lonely.

TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING
- We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
- The only person who understood the thing quit.

TO ACTIVATE
- Add more names to the memo.

TO GIVE SOMEONE THE PICTURE
A long confused and inaccurate statement to a newcomer.

TO IMPLEMENT A PROGRAM
- Increase overheads.

TO NEGOTIATE
- Meeting of minds without knocking together of heads.

UNDER ACTIVE CONSIDERATION
- We are looking in the files for it.

UNDER CONSIDERATION
- Never heard of it.

UNIMPEACHABLE SOURCE
- The guy who started the rumour.

WE ARE MAKING A SURVEY
- We need more time to think of a answer

WE WILL LOOK INTO IT
- Forget it! We have enough problems for now.

WE WILL LOOK INTO IT
- We hope you will forget it too.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
- One finally worked.

Sometimes a modification results in unforeseen consequences because the various people involved did not fully understand each other’s requirements or intentions

IRISH PIPING SPECIFICATIONS

1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal centred around the hole.
2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout its entire length.
3. All pipe is to be made of the very best quality, preferably either tubular or pipular.
4. All acid proof pipe is to be made of acid proof material.
5. The OD of all pipe must exceed the ID otherwise the hole will be on the outside of the pipe.
6. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water, steam and stuff can be put in at a later date.
7. All pipe is to be supplied without rust, as this can be more readily put on at the job site.
8. All pipe is to be cleaned free from any covering such as mud, tar, barnacles or any other form of manure before putting up, otherwise it will make lumps under the paint.
9. All pipe over 500 feet in length must have the words "long pipe" clearly painted on each end so that the fitter will know it is a long pipe.
10. Pipe over 2 miles in length must also have the above words painted in the middle so that the above fitter will not have to walk the full length of the pipe to determine if it is a long pipe.
11. All pipe over six inches in diameter is to have the words "large pipe" painted on it. This is so that the above fitter will not use it for small pipe.
12. All pipe fittings are to be made of the same stuff as the pipe.
13. All pipe closures are to be open on one end.
14. No fittings are to be put on pipe, unless specified. If you do, straight pipe becomes crooked.

The absolute and final SPECIFICATION FOR WASHERS
Only for use of QatarGas Instrument Inspection Dept.



Fig 1 A washer
INSTRUCTIONS - read very carefully!!

All washers must be washer shaped,

• if it is split, then it is broken and must be replaced.
• if it is wavy, then it must be flattened until correctly shaped.
• if it has any sharp edges or serration's then it is a safety hazard and should be fenced off until safety dept can safely dispose of it.

The I.D. must not be greater than the O.D. or the hole will be on the outside.

Any washer holes found to be smaller than the bolt should be rejected immediately.

Any holes found to be bigger than the washer should be fillet welded until the washer stops dropping through.

A washer is not required if there is no nut and bolt, do not check for washers during compaction tests, megger tests, etc.

A washer is required if there is a nut and bolt, but only if the bolt is too small for the hole and keeps dropping through it.

Any holes found without a bolt through it should have a washer attached immediately, in case it is later used for a bolt hole.

HGV LORRY DRIVERS HIGHWAY CODE

1. When should you use your headlights? To warn your mates of a speed trap.
2. When do you overtake on the left? When the bastard in front won't move.
3. What documents do you take on the road? Daily Mirror, Sun, Playboy and Forum.
4. When must you stop? To have a piss, leg over or tot of brandy.
5. Where should you not park? Outside the house of the tart you are screwing.
6. What do you expect to see on a rural road? Rural tarmac.
7. How many types of pedestrian crossing are there? Two - those who do and those who don't.
8. What is the procedure for overtaking on the motorway? Foot hard down, eyes shut and smile.
9. When should you use the fast lane on a motorway? When you are going home on a promise.
10. What do you do if you breakdown on a motorway? Leave the fucking thing and hitch a lift home.
11. What does the yellow box junction mean? They have run out of white paint.
12. What do broken yellow lines in the road mean? Careless navvies.
13. What does the highway code say about tyres? Use only round ones.
14. When can you cross double white lines? After 9 lagers, 2 vodkas and a whiskey.
15. How do you avoid drowsiness on the motorway? Finger your hitch hiker.
16. What must you check before leaving a building site? You have enough wood under your sheet for a new kitchen unit.
17. What do yellow lines on the side of the road mean? Chinese take-away.
18. Where do you place the hazard triangle when broken down? Up your transport managers arse.

A truck driver stopped to pick up a female hitchhiker wearing REALLY short shorts.
"Say, what's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.
"It's Snow ... Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?"
"Me, I'm June ... June Hansen," she said.
After a short while she asked, "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?"
"Can you imagine what it might be like," he countered, ....having eight inches of Snow in June?"

Rules for CAR MAINTENANCE

1. Give Her a good Going Over at regular intervals.
2. Grease Her NIPPLES well.
3. When Running Her in, break Her in GENTLY!
4. Her CLUTCH Should not be too 'Hairy'.
5. Wax Her BODY all over.
6. If you should strike Her REAR END – say 'Sorry'
7. Check Her Load Bearing capacity, too much weight can impede her, PERFORMANCE
8. If She loses Her 'SPARK', she may be suffering from high TENSION troubles.
9. Never take Her too fast up the 'Straight'...warm her up GENTLY first
10. Keep Fingertip Control at all times.
11. Her 'BIG ENDS' should be kept Well Oiled!
12. Don't leave Your TOOL hanging about.
13. Give her a Re-bore when necessary... and a Good Grind -In!
14. If She sags when Climbing give Her a Boost, and see if She's got any GOOD POINTS!
15. Check Her BODY for Blemishes -and Touch Her Up where necessary.
16. Remember – IF YOU CAN’T GET IT IN FIRST…Just wiggle it about, its bound to slip in sooner or later

SPECIALIST BOLTS FOR BRITISH INDUSTRY

A man flying in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced height and spotted a man on the ground, descended further to shouting range. "Excuse me," he called, "Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am."
The man answered: "You are in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above the ground, between 40 and 42 degrees north, and about one degree west.
"You must be a engineer," responded the balloonist.
"I am, how did you know?" answered the man.
"Everything you have told me is technically correct, but I am still as lost as before.
"You must be a manager" responded the man.
"Yes, but how did you know?
"Well," said the man, "you have no idea where you are, or where you are going. You made a promise that you cannot keep, and you expect me to solve the problem. In fact you are in the same position as when I met you, but now somehow it is all my fault!"

A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks. The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but he couldn't understand what they were doing.
Finally, he approached the workers and asked, "I appreciate how hard you're both working, but what the heck are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again.
One of the city workers explained, "The third guy who plants the trees is off sick today."

How many mechanics does it: take to screw in a light bulb? Two, one to force it in with a, hammer and one to go out and get more bulbs!

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