EXPAT JOKES > ANIMAL JOKES > PETS
A man in a pub is discussing his marital problems with the barman, and mentions that he and his wife don't have sex anymore. "I've got a parrot out the back that gives excellent blow jobs" says the barman, and the customer goes to see it. After a while he returns to the bar and asks the barman if he can buy the parrot for £30. The barman agrees and the man takes the parrot home. His wife takes one look at it and says to her husband, "What the hell do you expect me to do with that?" "Teach it to cook, then fuck off" he replies
A bloke sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back garden.
The bloke goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Sure do." the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me
jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight
years running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover
security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded loads of medals. Had a wife, a few puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The geezer is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten quid."
The bloke says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Cause he's a liar. He's never done any of that stuff"
A man looks over the fence and sees a little boy crying and filling in a big hole.
He asks, "Why are you crying, little boy?
Boy answers, "Because my goldfish is dead and I'm burying him"
"I'm sorry" says the man, "isn't that’s a big hole for a goldfish?"
The boy replies, "It was in your fucking cat!"
A little kid of 6 sees two dogs humping in the back garden of his house. "Dad, what are those two dogs doing?" He inquiries. His dad fumbles with a lame explanation. "Well, the doggie on the back has broken his front legs and the other dog is giving him a lift." The kid looks for a second and replies "Typical... Try to help someone out and you end up getting fucked in the arse."
A dog responds to an job advert for work with the police . "Well," says the personnel director, "you'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60
words per minute."
Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute.
"Also," says the director, "you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course."
This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.
"There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual."
With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"
You’re Spoiling That Dog Ethel!
A man who had been shipwrecked on a desert island for several years is beginning to feel the effects of being starved of sex for so long. However, the only living creatures on the island are
a sheep and a dog. One day, the man decides that he's had enough and thinks to himself that it has to be the sheep. But when he approaches the ewe for his moment of passion, the dog bites the man's
backside. This continues for several days, and the man is beginning to get very frustrated.
But one morning, the man's luck changes: out to sea, he notices a beautiful young woman on the point of drowning. He swims over, drags her out on the beach and proceeds to give her the kiss of life.
The woman comes to and is very grateful. " Thank you very much, " she says. " I will do anything for you, and I mean absolutely anything ! " The man can't believe his luck and
quickly replies, " You wouldn't mind taking that fucking dog for a walk, would you ? "
I said sit!
Fred was out raking leaves one Autumn day, when he noticed a hearse going down the street, followed by another hearse, followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then
about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Fred went up to the man following the second hearse and asked who was in the first one.
"My wife," the man replied.
"I’m sorry," said Fred. "What happened to her?"
"My dog bit her and she died."
Fred was taken aback. "And who’s in the second hearse?"
"My mother in law. My dog bit her too and she died as well."
Fred paused, then asked, "Can I borrow your dog?"
"Get in line."
I’m about to develop an attitude!
Had to have second opinion....
A man who brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."
"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"
With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly.
After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said "Bark".
The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also checked out the poor dog on the table.
As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.
The veterinarian handed the man a bill for £600. The dog's owner went postal. "£600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"
The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, it would have been £50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan..."
You ever had one of those days when nothing goes right?
Boy Was I Pissed Last Night, I Don't Even Remember Your Name!
There was this rather scruffy mongrel outside the town hall, where the dog show was taking place, while he was sitting scratching a rather snooty sheepdog stopped and said:- I've had three
firsts two seconds and a highly commended,
The mongrel replied:- Oh yea! well I've had four fucks, two fights and I'm highly delighted.
WHEN FACED WITH TOTAL DISASTER,
TOTAL DEFIANCE IS THE ONLY ANSWER
A teacher enters her classroom to find that the class's pet cat has died.
She buries it and tries to explain to the children what has happened to the cat.
Teacher: Class I have to tell you now that out cat has died.
Child 1: Died Miss?
Teacher: Yes the cat has died children
Child 2: What do you mean Miss? (The teacher thinks for a moment)
Teacher: The cat has gone to Jesus.
Child 1: Gone to Jesus? What do you mean Miss?
Teacher: Jesus called the cat to him and the cat is now with him.
Child 1 thinks for a moment then raises his hand
Child 1: But what does Jesus want with a dead cat?
Why Dogs Are Better Than Women
Dogs don't cry
Dogs love it when your friends come over
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo
Dogs think you sing great
A dog's time in the bathroom is just for a quick drink
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name
Dogs are excited by rough play
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away
Dogs understand that farts are funny
Dogs love red meat
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair
Anyone can get a good looking dog
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it
Dogs don't shop
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor
Dogs never need to examine your relationship
A dog's parents never visit
Dogs love long car trips
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions
Dogs know that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted
If a dog gets old and starts to snap at you constantly, you can shoot it
Dogs like beer
Dogs don't hate their bodies
Dogs never buy Cliff Richard or Barry Manilow albums
Dogs never criticise
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across
Dogs never expect gifts
Dogs don't worry about germs
Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had
Dogs like to do their snooping outside, not in your wallet, your pockets, or your sock drawer
Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives
A dog would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one
You never have to wait for a dog.
They're ready to go 24 hours a day
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewellery
Dogs don't borrow your shirts
Dogs never want massages
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk
Dogs can't talk
I like a little pussy now and then!
HOW TO HOUSETRAIN YOUR DOG
