EXPAT JOKES > ANIMAL JOKES 2
ONE LINERS
What do Blackpool donkeys get for lunch? Half an hour
What do female reindeer do on Christmas eve while the males go out with Santa? Go into town and blow a few bucks!
What do you call a dog with no hind legs and steel balls? Sparky
What do you call a dog with no legs? Anything you like, he wont come back to you.What do you get if you cross a hedgehog with a rabbit? A prick that stays up all night.
Shag a sheep at the edge of a cliff, they don't half push back.
What about the homosexual spider? Couldn't keep his feelers off his mates flies
Two cows in a field, one said, "MOO", the other one said, "I knew you were going to say that".
An elephant saw a naked man lying down. The elephant said, "How do you eat with that?"
Mary had a little lamb, she also had a cat, along came Tommy Cooper, and fucked it just like that.
A woman is walking past a pet shop where she notices a sign:
"Good home needed for clitoris-licking frog."
The woman goes inside and says to the shopkeeper,
"I noticed you have a clitoris-licking frog? I'll take one."
He packages up a frog. The woman sneaks out the door and rushes home. She gets home... takes out the instructions and reads them carefully doing exactly what it says to do.
To her surprise, nothing happens. So, she thought, perhaps the scent she chose is not appealing to the frog... So, she showers again... and tries another perfume. She gets back into bed, puts the frog between her legs and, NOTHING.
She's totally frustrated and pissed off at this point. She reads the instructions again thinking that there might be something she overlooked. At the bottom of the paper it says... If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store. So, she does. The man behind the counter says,
"I've had a few complaints earlier today, I'll be right over to check out the problem". A few minutes later he knocks on the door. He enters and says, "You'll have to show me exactly what you did". She does. She showers, puts on the perfume and the Teddy, gets into bed... and
puts the frog between her legs. NOTHING HAPPENS.
She says, "see, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there." The man looking very concerned, picks up the frog, looks directly into its eyes and says, "I'M ONLY GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS ONE MORE TIME!"
A woman is walking past a pet shop where she notices a sign:
"Good home needed for clitoris-licking frog."
The woman goes inside and says to the shopkeeper,
"I noticed you have a clitoris-licking frog?"
"Oui madame..."
Three foxes, English, Irish, and Scottish, were playing in the woods when they all got trapped in snares. "Shit" said the English fox, when the hunter comes back he'll kill us, so I'm going to chew my leg off and free myself, I'd rather have 3 legs than die." So he chews his leg off and says to the others, "come on, hurry up and free yourselves" The Scottish fox chews his leg off and hobbles over to wait for the Irish fox. "Oh shit" says the Irish fox, "I give up", "why?" ask the other two, "you'll be killed", "so what?" says the Irish fox, "I've chewed off three legs and I'm still stuck!"
It's a sunny morning in the big forest and the Bear family is just waking up
Baby bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks in his big bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yell, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everybody else I the house. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night
and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out into the cold early morning air top fetch the newspaper. It was Mummy Bear who set the table. It was mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cats water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs
and grace me with you presence…. Listen up because I'm only going to say this one more time….. I haven't made the fucking porridge yet!!!"
THE MOST VENOMOUS SNAKE IN THE WORLD
NAME: Expectoria trouserius (trouser snake)
LOCATION: Throughout the world
SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump then a severe swelling, followed by excruciating pain after 9 months. The attack is not usually fatal.
It has been known to-attack men in the rear, lower abdomen, resulting in an incurable disease and consequent death.
HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.
ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.
WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED:
TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet, as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.
CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow
SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have lead to any success.
MILKING THE SNAKE:
1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile with the thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upward and downward motion.
3. This will, result in the snake becoming very aggressive and start spitting.
4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.
5. Once milked the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.
CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.
A man gets on a plane and takes his seat, only to realise that the occupant of the seat next to him is a parrot. The plane takes off and after some minutes a stewardess approaches.
"Can I get you anything, sir?" she asks the man.
"Yes, I'll have a coffee, please, when you have a minute. Thank you."
"And for you, sir?" she asks the parrot. "A double whisky and coke, bitch, and make it quick, I'm thirsty!" demands the parrot
The stewardess returns a few minutes later with the parrot's drink, which he snatches without a word.
"Excuse me," says the man, "but I ordered a coffee". "Did you, sir? I'm sorry, I'll get you one straight away."
By which time the parrot has finished his drink.
"Anything else for you, sir?" the stewardess asks the parrot. "Yeah, I want another double whisky and coke, tart. Quick, bitch, I can't wait all night!"
Again the stewardess returns with the parrot's drink and without the coffee.
Naturally the man thinks the only way he is going to get any service is to adopt the attitude of his fellow passenger.
"Listen here you stupid slapper," he says to the stewardess, "I want my bloody coffee and I want it now, you cow!"
Two minutes later the stewardess returns, but this time with two enormous security guards, who proceed to manhandle the man and the parrot to the back of the plane, opens the door and ejects them from the plane. As they hurtle uncontrollably towards earth from 6 miles up the parrot turns to the man
and says, "You're a bit of a gobby bastard for someone who can't fly, aren't you!"
"It doesn't get any better than this..."
Once upon a time, there were 3 little ducks who lived by a peaceful pond.
One day they got into trouble and were sent to Bob, the duck who was in charge of the pond.
The first one stepped up in front of Bob and looked shamefaced.
Bob asked, "What’s your name?" The little duck replied, "Duck."
Why did you get sent to me?" queried Bob. "I was blowing bubbles in the pond," replied Duck
"You know you’re not supposed to do that it’s against the rules. You’re suspended from the pond for one week." Duck waddled away.
The second duck approached Bob. "What’s your name?" Bob asked. The little duck replied, "Duck Duck." Why did you get sent to me?" Bob asked. "I was blowing bubbles in the pond," answered Duck Duck. "You know you’re not supposed to do that, it’s against
the rules. You’re suspended from the pond for one week." Duck Duck waddled away.
Now Bob was pretty smart and thought he had discovered a pattern.
When the third duck waddled up to him, Bob said, "Let me guess. You’re Duck Duck Duck?"
"No," replied the little duck. "I’m Bubbles."
Two farmers are out rounding up sheep when all of a sudden a ewe takes off and goes wild, it runs into a fence and gets its head stuck. The two farmers go over to the fence and one says to the other, "this is too good a chance to miss." He unzips his pants, and screws the hell out of the ewe for at least 10 minutes. When he finally finishes he looks up at his partner and asks him if he wants some of it. His partner replies, "hell yes, that looks pretty good". He drops his pants and sticks his head in the fence.
A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "No one shoots at me
and gets away with it.
You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I'm going to f*ck you!"
The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do. After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and staggers back into town. He's pretty mad.
He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "You know what to do."
Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys a bazooka. Now he's really mad. He returns to the forest, sees, the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks him fat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says,
"You're not doing this for the hunting, are you?"
Once upon a time Badger and Toad went down to Soho to see the nightlife. A few days after their trip they are discussing their exploits. Badger tells Toad "I went to China Town, and now my prick has turned yellow", Toad answers "what a coincidence, so did I and my prick has turned yellow as well, I’m visiting the hospital tomorrow, why don’t you come along too?" Sure enough, next day they both go down to the hospital, Toad goes to the receptionist first, explains his problem, and is directed to the STD department, next Badger goes to the receptionist, explains his problem, and is told to go to the STD department, "which way is that?" Says Toad, the receptionist replies" Oh, just follow the yellow prick toad!"
Here kitty, kitty, kitty
Declan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster princess were madly, deeply and passionately in love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship, until one day Kate scuttled over to Declan in tears. "We can't see each other anymore," she sobbed. "Why ?" gasped Declan.
"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you, a mere crab, and a poor one at that, are the lowest class of crustacean, and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways."
Declan was shattered, and scuttled away into the darkness to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion. That night the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by
her father's side, inconsolable. Suddenly the doors burst open, and Declan the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly and painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across the floor, and all could see that he was
walking FORWARDS, one claw after another!! Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally looked King lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush. Finally, the crab spoke..... "Fuck me, I'm pissed."
Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him - "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last." ... But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality "Howard. You're a vet."
This bloke was getting on a bit, living alone, and was very sad and lonely. So he went to the pet shop and asked the assistant for a pet that would keep him company through his twilight years whilst not needing too much care and attention. The shop assistant said "I have the very
thing, quite special you know" and produced a cardboard box, inside was a millipede. "What's so special about that?" asked the man. The assistant replied "its a talking millipede". The man was mightily impressed and bought the terrestrial crustacean. Back at home the guy
thought let's see what this is all about then and opened the box. He asked the millipede "shall we go to the pub then?" but got no reply. He asked the question again but still his new pet said nothing. He sat back and pondered his acquisition and considered taking it back to the pet shop,
but decided to give it one more attempt at least. Looking into the box he asked again "So are we going to the pub then?"
The millipede replied "All right, for fucks sake, I'm just putting my shoes on".
What are you grinning at?
Bob is amazed to see a gorilla sitting in the oak tree in front of his house.
He wastes no time looking up "Gorilla Removal" in the yellow pages. He calls the service, and in nothing flat a truck pulls up with the words "JOE's GORILLA REMOVAL" written on the side.
A man gets out of the truck carrying a loaded pistol and he has a fierce looking German shepherd on a leash.
"Now here's the plan," Joe tells Bob. "You hold the gun and I'll climb up the tree and shake the big ape out. When the gorilla falls to the ground, the German shepherd will attack him and go for his private parts. After that, I just throw him in the back of my truck. Any
questions?"
"Just one," says Bob. "What's the gun for?"
"If I fall out of the tree, shoot the dog!"
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "Because I SURE AS HELL DIDN'T!"
African Artillery
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her
ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth is on the floor.
He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"
"No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."
DEEP THOUGHT
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it)
If you "break wind" consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet
(OMG...!)
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig) (How'd they figure this out, and why?)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Don't try this at home...maybe at work?) (Still can't get over that pig thing)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
(And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? Doesn't seem fair)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did taxpayers pay for this research??)
Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew....? Who cares? How'd they find out, ask them?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine?? And why pigs?)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death. (Creepy)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the....)
(Well, at least pigs get a break there...)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(In my next life I still want to be a pig... quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, geez) (That's almost as bad as catfish)
Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat's urine glows under a blacklight. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too.)
After reading all these, all I can say is.............
...lucky pigs...
A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in Southern Louisiana recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!"
"Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim round for a while. I whistle and dey jump rat back into dere ice chests and I take dem home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's de truth ma' fren, I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The Cajun poured the fish in to the bayou and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the Cajun. "When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH."
"What fish?"
The Happy Angler
A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were tough, he had determined to take them to the county fair and sell them. While at the fair he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. Now the farmers lived sixty miles away from one another, so they each agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate their pigs. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon (which was the only vehicle they had) and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant, but if they're rolling in the mud, then they're not." The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, called the other farmer, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again. The following morning, in the mud again! And the next morning, MUD again! This continued all week until the farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field grazing." The wife looked out the window and then yelled back, "Neither, they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."
A man goes into a pet shop and says, "I'd like to buy a bluebottle."
The shop owner replies, "We don't sell bluebottles."
The man says, "Yes you do, there's one in the window!"
A Man was walking down the street with a big dog under his arm, He meets his mate John, and says, "I've got to put this dog down."
John says, "Why is it mad?."
"No its too bloody heavy!"
A man and his son are sitting by the ice, fishing, when this voice says, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"
He says to his son, "Did you hear something?" and carries on fishing.
Again the voice says, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"
The man looks up and says, "Is that you Jesus?"
The reply, "NO, IT'S THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK"
A blind rabbit and a blind frog are jumping around a field. They bang into each other and knock each other down. "very sorry", says the frog, "but I'm blind". "So am I", says the rabbit, "I've always wanted to know what I am, I'll feel you all over and tell you what you are, and then you can do the same to me". "OK, says the frog, "but I'll go first". The frog puts his hands out and says, "Oh you're all soft and furry and you’ve got long ears, oh, you’ve got a fluffy tail, you must be a rabbit". The rabbit jumps around absolutely delighted, "I've always wanted to be a rabbit," he says. "Come on, my turn", says the frog. The rabbit puts his hands out and says, "Aagh, you're all slimy and bumpy, you’ve got great big bulging eyes, and a big mouth, you must be a Scouser!"
A bear walks into a bar and says to the barman, "I'd like a pint of ………………………………….please"
The barman says, "Why the big pause?" (Paws)
A woman passed a butchers shop and asked the butcher, "Is that a pigs head in the window?" he Replied, "No, madam, that’s a mirror"
A gorilla walked into a pub.
Barman, "Yes mate?"
Gorilla, "I'll have a pint of bitter please"
Barman, "That'll be £3 please. We don't often get gorillas in here"
Gorilla, I'm not surprised at £3 a pint!"
A blind man goes into a pub and started to spin his dog around his head.
Barman. "What the fuck are you doing?"
Blind man. "Just having a look around"
A divorcee passes a pet shop and sees a sign in the window 'FANNY LICKING FROG £2.00' she thinks, "I'll have some of that", inside, the owner allows her to try out the frog in the back room. She strategically places the frog between her legs, but it does nothing, she shakes it but still nothing. She shouts out to the shop owner, "This fanny licking frog you're trying to sell me doesn't work!" he says, "Sorry, madam", picks up the frog and says to it, "I'm only going to show you this one more time…..
A father asked his young son if he knew about the birds and bees. "I don't want to know!" the boy exploded, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked the youngster what was wrong
"Oh, Pop." The boy sobbed, "For me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter bunny at seven, no tooth fairy at eight and no stork at ten. And if you're telling me now that grownups don't really fuck, I've got nothing left to believe in".
Two gay sperms swimming along, one says to the other, "we've got no chance of finding an egg in all this shit!"
Two sperms have just been ejaculated and one says to the other, "When do we reach the ovaries?" the other replies, "We've got ages yet, we've only just passed the tonsils!"
A bear and a rabbit were having a shit behind a tree. The bear asks the rabbit, "Mr Rabbit, does shit stick to your fur?" the rabbit replies, "No, Mr Bear." So the bear picks him up and wipes his arse with him.
A man walks into a bar to find that the bar was covered in £1 coins. The barman explained that whoever makes his donkey laugh wins all the money. The man looks at the donkey sitting at the bar and decides to have a go. He walks up to the donkey and whispers in its ear, the donkey pisses himself laughing. The man wins all the money. The next week he visits the bar again and finds the bar covered in coins again. "This time you have to make the donkey cry," explains the barman, "without touching him in any way", the man leads the donkey out of the bar, and a few minutes later they return with the donkey bawling and crying his eyes out. How did you do that?" asks the amazed barman, "Well," replied the man, "last week I told him I had a bigger knob that him, and this week I proved it!"
Two owls were playing pool, when one of them miss-cued. The other owls said, "That's two hits" and the first owl said, "Two hits to who?"
A snail went into a bar and asked for a pint, but the barman refused to serve him and kicked him out. Three weeks later the snail returned and said, why did you do that?
Three bats in a cave, two big ones and a weedy one. The two bullies send the little wimp out to find some blood for their dinner. Five minutes later he returns completely covered in the stuff. The big bats are amazed and ask where he managed to find such a vast amount. "See that tree over there?" he asks, "Well I didn't!"
An elephant and a snake are in the jungle, and they're really bored. "I know" says the elephant, "let's play snooker, you can go first", "OK" replies the snake, "what do I do?" "for a red you must stand on the tip of your tail for 5 seconds" instructs the elephant. The snake manages this and says, "right, I want to go for the black now", "well then you have to climb up my trunk, wriggle your way through my intestines and out through my arse" says the elephant. When the snake gets halfway through the elephant puts it trunk up its arse and the snake ends up going round and round! After 15 minutes the snake shouts, "what the hell is going on?" "I've snookered you, you bastard" replies the elephant.
Little Red Riding Hood is out walking in the woods, "Come out, come out big bad wolf," she cries, "I can see you!" "How did you see me?" he asks, "I could see those big ears of yours sticking up over the bushes" The wolf goes off and hides behind a tree. "Come out, come out big bad wolf," she cries, "I can see you!" "How did you see me this time?" he asks, "I could see your tail sticking out from behind the tree". The wolf goes and hides in a cave. "Come out, come out big bad wolf," she cries, "I can see you!" "How did you see me this time?" he asks, "I could see the whites of your eyes glowing in the sunset" and with that she skips off along the path. "Where are you going?" asks the wolf, "To my grandmothers" she replied, "Well thank fuck for that, I'm dying for a shit!"
A hooker goes into a bar, there's no one there except a giant panda. Three hours later and still no one else has come in, she decides to pick up the panda and they go back to her place. They have rampant sex. Afterwards the panda goes into the kitchen for a coffee, then comes back to the bedroom and says, "Thanks, very nice, bye!" "Hold on", says the hooker, "what about paying me?" "Get a dictionary and look up 'Panda" says the panda. She does, 'Giant panda: eats shoots and leaves'
A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder and a cat under his arm, he orders Guinness for himself, martini for the parrot and a bowl of milk for the cat.
The cat says, "I ain't paying, its too expensive!" the man pays, they sit down and drink. The man goes to the bar and orders the next round, same again, the cat says, "I ain't paying, its too expensive!" The barman asks, "Why have you got a parrot on your shoulder and a cat
under your arm?" The man answers, "I found a magic lamp, rubbed it, and an Irish genie popped out and granted me one wish. I wished for a Brazilian bird with a tight pussy!"
Two men walking up the street towards each other, both men are limping, as they pass one says, "Shot in the leg, Dunkirk. The other says, "Dog shit, 20 yards back!"
A farmer wanted his female pig mated, but couldn't afford the £500 fee, so he decided to do it himself.
The first thing in the morning he put the pig in the back of his truck, and drove to a remote spot, where he had sex with it. The next morning he said to his wife, "Go and see what the pig's doing, if she's rolling in the mud, that’s a sure sign that she's pregnant". The wife returned to
inform him that the pig is eating at her trough.
The farmer loads the pig in the truck and sets off to have another go. The following morning he goes to see if she's rolling in the mud, and is disappointed to see her eating at her trough again. He loads the pig into the truck again and sets off for one last try. The next morning he asks his wife,
"Is she rolling in the mud?" "No" she replied, "She's sitting in the back of your truck!"
Mummy and baby camel are touching and chewing, when the baby asks, "Mummy, what are those big humps on our backs for?" "They're for storing water for long journeys across the desert." Says mummy. Baby camel says, "And what about our long eyelashes?" "They're to stop the sand getting into our eyes on journeys across the desert" "But mummy why do we have webbed feet?" Mummy, getting irritable now, replies, "To stop us from sinking in the sand on long journeys across the desert" "Well mummy, what are we doing in Whipsnade Zoo?"
Billy was late for school.
His teacher asked, "Why?"
He said he had to take the cow to town to be mated with the bull.
The teacher said, "Could your dad not have done it?"
Billy replied, "Yes, but he had to see to the sheep!"
A little boy in the bath with his sister. He says, "What's that?" she says, "That’s my hedgehog", he says, "Mums got one like that, but all its guts are hanging out."
My son came to me and said, "What's that thing between the horses legs?"
I responded by saying, "That can be called many things son, 'knob', 'bell end', etc. He than says, "I asked mum and she said it was nothing" "That's because your mums been spoilt!"