EXPAT JOKES > ANIMAL JOKES 1

ONE LINERS
A horse walks into a bar and the barman says, "Why the long face?"
A white horse goes into a bar and asks for a whiskey. The barman says, "We have one named after you," the horse replies, "What, Eric?"
A three legged dog walks into a western bar and says, "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw!"
If a fly didn't have any wings, would it be called a walk?
A frog telephones the psychic hot line and is told, "you are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." "Great!" said the frog, "will I meet her at a party or what?" "No," said the psychic, "next term’s biology class."
Did you hear about the happy rabbit? He found a hair in its hole.
How many animals can you find in a pair of knickers? 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, 1 pussy, some crabs and a dead fish nobody can find.
The shortages in the British army are getting worse….…    last week I saw a goldfish in a tank!
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning". "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"
Two ducks in a rowing boat. One says, "Quack!" the other says, "Fuck off, I'm going as fast as I can!"
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam"
Two horses are stood talking at the bar when a greyhound walks in and says, "Hello." The horses look at each other surprised and one says, "Fuck me, a talking dog!"
What did the elephant say to the naked man? It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?
What do you call a Welshman with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other? Bisexual.
What's the difference between a dachshund and a street vendor? The street vendor bawls his wares out on the pavement!
What's pink and hard? A Pig with a flick knife.
Why did the chicken cross the football pitch? He heard that the referee was blowing fowls.
Why did the man call his dog Herpes? Because he wouldn't heel.
Why did the man call his one legged dog Woodbine? So he can take him for a drag.

This man owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend, who tells him, “I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse and I’m sending him over.” The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse. “A female horth”, the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. “Nith looking horth, can I thee her mouf?” So the owners picks up the midget and shows him the horse’s mouth. “Nith mouf, Can I thee her eyeth?” So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse’s eyes. “Ok, what about the eerth?” Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him the ears. “OK, finally, can I see her twat?” With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse’s vagina, then pulls him out. Shaking his head, the midget says, “Perhapth I thould rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awownd?

A travelling salesman was driving down a country road, coming upon a farm when he noticed a pig standing by the gate to the farm. Something was different about the pig and the salesman slowed down for a better look. As he got closer he noticed that the pig had a wooden leg. it was intricately carved. Someone had taken a lot of time to make this leg for the pig. The salesman decided to drive up to the farmhouse to find out more about the pig with the wooden leg. The farmer came out to meet him as he arrived at the house
The salesman said, "I couldn’t help but notice your pig with the wooden leg. What ever happened that caused him to have a wooden leg?" The farmer said, "That pig is a special pig to us. Yes sir, he’s really a special pig all right." The salesman asked, "What makes him such a special pig?" The former explained, "Well, I guess he was just born that way, but that pig saved our lives. Our house caught on fire and that pig came up on the porch and banged and banged on the door and grunted and made such a ruckus that he woke as up. He saved our lives. He sure is a special pig to us." "I see," said the salesman. "He sure is a special pig all right. I can understand that now, but how did he get the wooden leg?" The farmer explains, "Now didn’t I tell you that pig was a special pig? Anyone knows that you don’t eat a special pig like that all at once

The French zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very cranky and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Pierre, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Pierre, it was rumored, had the ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Pierre was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred Francs? Pierre showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Pierre announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union." The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what about the third condition. "Well," said Pierre, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred Francs."

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. "What do they say?" The priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're randy. Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" The priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know, I have two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying .... that phrase .... in no time. "Thank you" the woman responded, "this may well be the solution". The next day she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're randy. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered."

A bloke in Australia walks up to the bar with a big ostrich behind him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The barman comes over, regarding the trio with some curiosity, and says, "What'll it be?" The man says, "I'll have a pint", and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have a pint as well." says the ostrich. Bloke looks at the cat, and says, "I suppose you want a drink, too." The cat replies, "I'll have a half, but I ain't payin'!" So the barman pulls two and a half pints, and says, "That'll be three pounds forty, please." The man reaches into his pocket, feels around, and, to the barman's surprise, pulls out exactly the three-forty in change.
A while later, the same thing happens, and the man pulls the exact amount out of the same pocket. The next day, the man, the ostrich, and the cat return to the same bar. "I'll have a pint," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. The cat orders up a half and says, "But I ain't payin'!" Repeat of yesterday. The bloke pays each time with the exact amount from his pocket.
This becomes almost a regular routine until, late one evening, the trio enter again. "The same?" asks the barman. "Well," says the man, "it's close to last orders. I'll have a large scotch." He turns to the ostrich enquiringly. The bird says, "I'll have a large scotch as well." The cat says, "I'll have a small scotch...but I ain't payin'!" The barman rings up the drinks and turns, with a sly grin, "That'll be seven pounds twenty, please." To his amazement, the man pulls the exact seven and twenty out of his pocket.
As the trio are finishing their drinks, the barman can't contain his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir, but before you leave there's something I must know...how do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket...every time?" "Well", says the man, "it's a long story. But basically, several years ago I took care of an old lady well into her nineties, and when she died, she left me her old house. Nothing special, but as I was cleaning out the attic, I found an old lamp, and when I rubbed it, this genie appeared and offered me two wishes." "That's fantastic," says the barkeep, "What did you wish for?"
"If I ever need to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there." "That's brilliant," says the barman, "most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live." "That's right, whether its a quart of milk or even a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there. The best thing I ever did!"
As he turns to go, the barman calls him back and says, "One last thing, sir... err, your friends there... we don't get many cats or ostriches drinking in here...?" The man looks glum. "Yes, I know. That's probably the worst thing I ever did, but I'm stuck with them. You see, for my second wish from the genie, I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

SOD OFF! I'M A CHIP

A panda walks into a fancy restaurant and eats a fantastic dinner. When it finishes, it gets up, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter! It then leaves the restaurant in a hurry.
Hours later, the police catch up with the panda and ask it why it committed such an atrocious crime?! The panda just shrugs and tells the police to "Go look up 'panda' in the dictionary."
They do, and it reads: "Panda...a black and white animal that eats shoots and leaves."

PULL OUT! YOU'VE HIT AN ARTERY!

IF YOU ARE UNHAPPY...
Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow that decided not to fly South for the winter.
However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly had to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell into a farmyard almost frozen to death.
A cow passed by and crapped on the little bird. The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings.
Warm and happy, able to breathe he started to sing, just then a large cat hearing the chirping came by and investigated the sounds.
The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and ate him.

The moral of the story:
Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.
If you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.

The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on his face.
The egg looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says " Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree', sighed the pheasant ,'but I haven't got the energy'. 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients'. The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.
The Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top,. but it won't keep you there!

A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mudhole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mudhole and ties some ropes around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadow again and the rabbit fell into the mudhole. The rabbit yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab my dick and pull yourself up." The rabbit did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes.

THE FARMER SUTRA

A farmer is sitting in the neighbourhood bar getting pissed. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that is so horrible?
Farmer: Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. When the bucket was about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.
Man: That's not so bad, what's the big deal?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So then what happened.
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full again she took her right leg and kicked it over.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Something's you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: So then what did you do?
Farmer: I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Wow you must have been pretty upset!
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So then what did you do?
Farmer: Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter, then my pants fell down and then my wife walked in.

Never be alone again

The INFLATABLE SHEEP

If you're tired of chasing her all over the farm and then finding she's not in the mood.


(Sole Distributor: - Taffy Williams Imports Ltd.)

Features:-
Kissable lips
Runs on mains or batteries.
Deluxe Model with thicker coat for better grip
Proudly made in New Zealand
Bleating sounds from the latest Digital electronics (Use the plug in your Walkman's headphones)
Specially suitable for flat dwellers (Also available in MALE models)
Edge of the cliff function so that she pushes back that little bit harder.
Supplied with free set of Gumboots (specify size) and lanolin spray for the authentic shearing shed smell

YOUR FANTASIES CAN COME TRUE !

A Cowboy meets an Indian herding sheep in the Black Hills.
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog don't talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Indian: (Look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (pointing at the Indian)
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: (Look of total disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing to the Indian)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me brushes me down often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the elements."
Indian: (Look of total amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep lie."

Why Sheep are Better than Women
Sheep don't have a gag reflex, or upper teeth.
You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear.
Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather.
Cottonmouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease.
Nuttin' beats mutton.
Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel.
Sheep won't drink your liquor, smoke your weed, snort your coke, and then tell you they have to be home early.
Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down.
Sheep never ask about you former lovers and then get pissed off when you tell them.

Don’t worry Mary, you’re next

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