What to Say to Someone Who is Stoned

Ladies and gentlemen, I stand before you to stand behind you to tell you something I know nothing about. Thursday, which is Good Friday, we're having a Father's Day party for mother's only. Admission is free, pay at the door, pull out a chair and sit on the floor.

There is this lady who was born a natural blonde and she is so tired of people making 'blonde' jokes about her that she dyed her hair brown. One day she was driving down a long country road and there was a herd of sheep with a farmer next them. She stopped her car and got out. She said to the farmer "If I can guess how many sheep you have can I have one?" The farmer thought about it for a while and replied yes. He didn't think that anyone could be that clever! The lady guessed there were 329 sheep and the farmer was amazed that she had guessed the exact number. He told her to pick out the one she wanted so she did. A few minutes later the farmer walked up to the lady's car and asked "Ms, if I can guess your natural hair colour can I have my dog back?"

One day a man drove by a farm and saw a three-legged pig. The man went up to the farmer and said, "Excuse me sir, but why does that pig only have 3 legs?" 
"Well," said the farmer, "that there pig is very special. One time my wife was cooking something she stepped out of the kitchen and it caught on fire. No one in the house knew about it but the pig and he saved me, my wife, and my 2 kids." 
"That's amazing sir but why does that pig only have three legs?" said the man. 
"Then there was that time the pig saw a big storm coming and we didn't. The pig ran into the house and dragged us out to the storm cellar. If it weren't for that pig we would all be dead." 
"But still, that doesn't explain why the pig only has 3 legs." "And I remember the time my youngest son was stuck up in a tree but I was too far away to hear him scream. The pig came running towards me and led me to where he was." 
"Well, that is miracle but how come that pig only has 3 legs?" the man said quite annoyed at this point. 
"Well," said the farmer, "with a pig that special... you have to eat 'em real slow."

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "MAN, That is the ugliest baby I've EVER seen!"
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Hey! He's a public servant and he shouldn't say things to insult the passengers." "You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey!"

These three guys die in a car wreck, and they all go to Hell. When they arrive, the Devil asks each of the men what their sin was. The first guy says “It’s gotta be the booze, I’m always drunk “ The Devil decides to lock him in this room for 100 years with nothing but shelves of every kind of alcohol you could dream of. The guy’s thinking, “Yeah! Look at all this alcohol!” and runs into the room. 
The second guy says, “It’s the women I could never stay faithful to my wife.” The devil opens the second door and nothing but the finest-looking naked women that you have ever seen And, he would be the only guy in there for 100 years. He couldn’t believe it. He goes in and the Devil shuts the door. 
The third man said “It’s gotta be the weed, I’m always tokin’ up” The Devil opens the third door to reveal nothing but fields of 10-foot tall, icky, sticky, take-a-toke, make-ya-choke, chronic, green, death weed. The stoner can’t believe it. He goes in and takes a seat Indian style with his back to the door and the Devil shuts the door behind him.
One hundred years go by and the Devil comes back to check on the three men. He opens the first door and the man comes crawling out. He’s got an empty bottle in one hand, he’s completely naked, hasn’t shaved or showered in years, and is covered in his own puke. “I’ll never drink again!”, he says. The devil tells him that at least he learned something and decides to give him a second shot at life. 
The devil then opens the second door and the man comes running out even faster than when he went in “I’m gay!” he screams. The devil decides that at least he learned not to cheat on his wife and gives him another chance as well. 
The devil then comes to the third door, He opens it and nothing has changed. The stoner is still sitting in the same position that he was 100 years ago. The devil asks him if he learned anything. The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his cheek…
 “You got a light, Man.”

One day Fred decided he wanted to take up deer hunting. So Fred went to the local sporting goods stored and asked the shopkeeper. "I need a really nice gun to hunt deer with"
The shopkeeper gave him a gun and said, "This gun is perfect for any deer"
Taking the gun, and jumping into his Jeep the new hunter went into the woods to search for deer. While looking around for his new sport, he saw nothing. Then, when he was just about ready to give up he saw a Bear in the distance. Not wanting to waste this journey he took aim and, BOOM!! When the smoke cleared to his surprise, no bear.
Suddenly, Fred felt a tap on his shoulder. Turning, he saw the bear.
"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asked the bear.
"I'm sorry, I did mean to, I'll never do it again!" whined Fred.
"Pull down your pants, just so you understand how serious I am" explains the Bear.
Reluctantly, Fred does this and WHAM, the bear screws him up the ass.
All pissed off Fred drives away muttering, "I'm going to get that fuckin' bear, no fuckin' bear is going to that to me".
Fred goes goes back to the sporting goods store and buys a larger gun, and goes back to the park.
Looking around he finally sees the bear. Picking up his new larger gun, points, and BOOM!
When the smoke clears, no bear. Fred feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around and there's the bear.
"I'm sorry, I'll never do it again, I promise", screams Fred.
"I thought I told you not to come back here again", exclaims the bear, "now pull down your pants.
Fred does so and the bear fucks him up the ass again.
Fred gets in his jeep and drives away muttering, "That's it, I'm going to blow that fuckin' bears head clean off"
When he gets back to the sporting goods store he explains to the shopkeeper, "I want the largest gun you have, the most powerful."
The shopkeepers hands him a gun and says, "This one is great for hunting elephants, no creature on this planet will live after a shot from this"
Fred gets back in his jeep and drives back to the woods. Looking around he spots the bear again. He aims, pulls the trigger, and BBBOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!
When the smoke clears, no bear. Fred scared now, feels a tap on his shoulder, turning around he sees the bear.
"You're not in this for the sport anymore, are you?"

A guy buys his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Valentines.  After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "Wait a minute, I thought you told me before that she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles?" 
"Well she did," he replied... "But just where the hell was I going to find a fake Jeep?!"

A man goes on a public tour of the White House and asks to see President Clinton. The Marine on duty tells the guy that Clinton isn't President, please leave. The man goes away. 
The next day he comes back to the White House and asks to see President Clinton. The marine on duty again tells the guy that Clinton is not the President, please go away. The man goes away. 
The next day he comes back again, and again the same Marine is on duty The man asks to see President Clinton again. Finally fed up with this guy, the marine shouts - "WHY DO YOU KEEP COMING HERE ASKING FOR HIM? CLINTON IS NOT THE PRESIDENT ANYMORE!" 
The man smiles happily and says, "I know, I just like hearing it."

A priest was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners.
When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, "Of course they were cleaned Father." "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and they all started eating. The meal was delicious and he paid his compliments in spite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yells - "Here Soap! Here Water!"

A lawyer and a very pretty, nubile young woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The pretty young woman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is so young, sexy and pretty he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer: "Okay, how about this. If you don't know the answer you pay me only $10, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $100."
This catches the young lady's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The young woman doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a ten-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the woman's turn.
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up.
He wakes the young woman and hands her $100. The woman politely takes the $100 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes her and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Again without a word, the pretty young woman reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $10, smiles, and goes back to sleep.

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, still asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.
Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
The husband shrugs, "Why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?"