General
And now for some feedback: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
I before E except after C. We live in a weird society!
37% of Americans agree that while they would hate being British, they wouldn't mind having a British accent.
Guests who kill their talk show hosts. On the last Donahue.
Absence makes the heart grow fungus.
665: Neighbour of the Beast.
Absinthe makes the mind grow softer.
When you're swimming in the creek, And an eel bites your cheek, That's a moray! - Fabulous Furry Freak Bros
Christopher Robin Hood steals from the rich and gives to the Pooh.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Refuse Novocain... Transcend Dental Medication.
Adam met Eve and turned over a new leaf.
So you say money doesn't motivate you. What does? I'll buy it for you!
A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
"Alex, I'll take 'Things Only I Know' for $200"
Television is more interesting than people. If it were not, we would have people standing our living rooms.
Streakers beware: Your end is in sight!
9 out of 10 doctors say the 10th doctor should mellow out.
If God had meant us to travel economy class, he would have made us narrower.
Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy, check 3 friends, if they are ok, you're it.
Only one shopping day left until tomorrow!
By the time they had diminished from 50 to eight, the other dwarves began to suspect "Hungry".
Oh Lord give me patience... NOW!
Sheep don't fly so much as plummet.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Why be difficult? Put some effort in and be impossible.
Eschew Obfuscation.
Age and knowledge don't always come together. Sometimes you just get the age...
There's no future in time travel.
Roses are Red, Violets are blue, I am schizophrenic, And so am I!
Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.
Write your questions down on the back of $20 dollar bill and send them to me.
You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
My greatest fear in life is that no-one will remember me after I'm dead. - some dead guy
What's the greatest world-wide use of cowhide? To hold cows together.
666A, 666B - Tenants of the beast.
766: Upstairs neighbour of the Beast.
Tofu - the other white meat substitute.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Iguana: The other green meat.
What's the height of conceit? Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
47.5% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Life - it's nothing like the Brochure!
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
"A new study shows that licking the sweat off a frog can cure depression. The down side is, the minute you stop licking, the frog gets depressed again." - Jay Leno
Sure, when... - OINK FLAP OINK FLAP - Well I'll be darned!
Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't, and a sense of humor to console him for what he is.
Carpenter's rule: cut to fit; beat into place.
Today's subliminal thought is:
This email is never sent unsolicited. It is only sent to you because you are lucky enough to know the sender.
Above all else: Sky.
Help, I've fallen and I can't... Hey, nice carpet!
Crime doesn't pay, but the hours are good.
Why not have your cake and eat it too - it's cake, what else are you going to do with it?
Einstein said that talking to yourself is a sign of intelligence. Answering yourself, however, is a sign of insanity.
"Nearly everything you read signed "from God" is just somebody putting their words in My mouth." - God
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
What goes 'clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG'? An Amish drive-by shooting.
Two people in every one is a schizophrenic.
A rock --> me <-- A hard place
Some people have a way with words, while others... erm... thingy.
Opportunity knock only once, if you hear a second knock it's probally a Jehovah's witness.
Assassins do it from behind.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
We're all our fathers' fastest swimmers.
For people who like peace and quiet - a phoneless cord.
The wages of sin are eternal damnation. (the hours are good though)
The American Heart and Lung Association surveyed doctors and found that 9 out of 10 doctors who tried Camels went back to women.
ZenCrafters: Total Enlightenment in about an hour.
Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired.
Get your mind out of the sewer and into the gutter with the rest of us.
A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
The British have a reputation for keeping calm even when there is no crisis.
Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it. - Tallulah Bankhead
'Veni, Vidi, Velcro' - I came, I saw, I stuck around.
Due to financial constraints, the light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished.
You can't have everything... where would you put it?
We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.
They say when nature calls you should answer it, I say let the answering machine get it.
At least Congress doesn't make death worse every year.
And he disappeared in a puff of logic.
I'd give a thousand dollars to be one of them there millionaires!
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
'I'm not sure who he is, but I've heard he's got his hand in a lot of things.'- Kermit The Frog, about Jim Henson.
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart.
There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who are good with words, and those who are... erm... thingy
Here's a secret tip for X-files fans: Drink two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place with all recollections of the previous nights events mysteriously "erased".
SUSHIDO: The way of the Tuna.
The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
Be alert - the world needs more lerts.
A skeleton walked into a bar and asked for a beer and a mop.
Repaint! Repaint! And never thin again!
Federal Expresso: When you absolutely, positively have to stay up all night.
Forecast for tonight: Dark.
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
Customer: Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!
Waiter: It should, sir, it was ground this morning.
Analysing humour is like analysing a frog: you can do it, but the frog tends to die in the process.
Necrophelia means never having to say... well, anything!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that)
You say tomato, I say ketchup.
Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
Statistics are like bikinis. What they conceal is more important than what they reveal.
Bacon & eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are committed.
Why am I frowning? It takes 42 muscles to frown and only 17 to smile and I need the exercise!
Get your mind out of the gutter! Grab mine while you're there, please.
Every 10 seconds, somewhere on this earth, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
Wouldn't it be great if age and gravity did to a penis what it does to boobs? -Bob Jones
Why is it best to use the outhouse at noon? That's when the flies are in the kitchen.
Gotta run. Neighbors just sighted Elvis making crop circles.
Any twelve people who can't get themselves out of jury duty are not my peers.
This message was sent to you via email in much the same way bricks aren't.
' 'Tis a brave man who wears the kilt in January.' --Scottish saying
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Anything in parenthesis can (not) be ignored.
There's a typo in this sentence, but it slides away when your eyes move toward it.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Ways to Relieve Stress #10. Make up a language and ask people for directions.
If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? - John Mendoza
Bill & Hillary are on a sinking ship, who gets saved? The nation.
Time flies when you're in a coma.
Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!
The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The pragmatist, being thirsty, drinks the water.
Veteran of the Bermuda Triangle Expeditionary Force 1990-1951.
"It's all coming back to me now", said the blind man as he peed into the wind.
Seen on a fly swatter, 'Pest Doctors - All our patients die. Use this until we get there.'
Dyslexic man sells soul to Santa... Film at 11.
Whales are mammals. Mammals have hair. SHAVE THE WHALES!
Condense soup, not books
The score was Hydrogen: 2 and Oxygen: 1 when the game was called because of rain.
Forest fires only lead to Smokey Bear - prevent them!
Monarchs are acceptable, but we draw the line at Rulers.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
Death called while you were out, so I gave him your pager number.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
We reserve the right to arm bears.
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made.
And God said, "Let there be light", and there was light. And everyone said, "Hey, cool! Do You do parties?".
"If these pills don't stop the kleptomania," said the psychiatrist, "try and get me a nice video camera."
It's a little known fact that the Dark Ages were caused by unresolved Y1K issues.
Spotted on the back of a T-shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad: If you see me running, try to keep up.
I doubt therefore I might be.
"The game of catch has never been so fun!" - inventor of the hand grenade.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, tension mounted, clicked his spurs and rode off.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
To kiss a fool is bad. To let a fool kiss you is even worse.
I like feminists - I think they're cute.
A friend in need is a friend indeed, But a friend with weed is better.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
5 out of 4 people don't understand fractions.
Do you know that if all the smokers were laid end to end around the world, three quarters of them would drown?
Those nicotine patches seem to work really well, but I heard it's kinda hard to keep em' lit.
When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy - When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.
In the beginning was the word. And the word was "Aardvark".
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't wipe your friends on the couch.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but only if no betting is involved.
I guess surrealism's not your cup of tuna.
A hush fell over the courtroom, injuring six.
The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I couldn't care less...
60% of Americans say that, if they could push a button that would make Larry King disappear, they would keep pushing it and not stop.
Only Users Lose Drugs...
Don't abuse marijuana... smoke it gently and carefully.
The early bird still has to eat worms.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
It's so cold here, the lawyers have there hands in their own pockets!
A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.
Elvis is dead, Mozart is dead, Einstein is dead, and I'm not feeling so great myself.
He said he was dying of fast women, slow horses, crooked cards and straight whisky.
Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on!
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
One world. One people. One slab of asphalt. Pave the planet!
Much can be achieved with a smile. Admittedly, much more can be achieved with a smile and a gun.
A pessimist counting his blessings: 10 ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ...
The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on forecasters.
"AOL for Dummies" is kind of redundant, don't you think?
If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
I don't see what all the fuss is about, if those dolphins were so smart, they wouldn't hang out with tuna.
Here at First National, you're not just a number - you're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash, and another number.
Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I am diagonally parked between two parallel universes!
We now return you to abnormal programming.

Military
When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
You don't win a war by dying for your country. You win a war by making the other son-of-a-bitch die for his. - General Patton
If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate -- the bombs always hit the ground.
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
The difficult we do immediately. The impossible takes a little while longer. - U.S. Navy Seabees
It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons!
When in doubt empty the magazine.
If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with green, baggy skin.
Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
"You, you, and you: Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.
Tracers work both ways.
Five second fuses only last three seconds.
A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit. - the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
Who *cares* if a laser guided 500 lb bomb is accurate to within 9 feet?
The easy way is always mined.
Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.
If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
Never trust a private with a loaded weapon, or an officer with a map.
If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
Push to test... Release to detonate.
Those who beat their swords into plowshares will plow for those who don't.
There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.
Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.
Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: 1. When you're ready for them. 2. When you're not ready for them.
Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
Friendly fire - isn't.
Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. - Paul Rodriguez
The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
When you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in combat.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
We are not retreating, we are advancing in another direction.
On US Rocket Launcher - Aim towards Enemy

Love (& Pick-Ups)
Is it hot in here, or is it just you?
I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house?
Go up to the girl of your dreams, give her a single rose and say, "I just wanted to show this rose what true beauty is."
Wink. I'll do the rest.
Should I call you in the morning or just nudge you?
Could you please step away from the bar? You're melting all the ice.
Well? Have you saved up enough to take me out yet?
I'd buy you a drink, but I'd be jealous of the straw
Hey, you want to go out for pizza and some sex? What, you don't like pizza?
(lick her sleeve) Well we better get you out of those wet clothes!
I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?
If I were bread, would you be my butter?
You've been a bad girl (or boy), now go to my room!
My name's not Elmo but you can tickle me anytime.
Do you have a quarter? My mom told me to call her when I fell in love.
"I heard milk does a body good, but damn girl, how much you been drinking?"
Get your coat girl, you've scored!
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
You have a beautiful body. Will you hold that against me?
'Why don't you step out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini?' - Robert Charles Benchley
Do you sleep on your stomach? No? Can I?
One of us is thinking about sex... Okay, it's me.
Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got FINE written all over you!
I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you instead?
If I were God, all of my angels would look like you!
My body is a temple. Do you want to come over for midnight mass?
Whoops! Sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
Should I break it to your friend that she's going home alone?
Is that a ladder up your stocking or a stairway to heaven?
Are you wearing lipstick? well mind if a taste it?
Do you like strawberries or blueberries better? I just want to know what to put in your pancakes tomorrow morning...
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I drive by again?
(tapping thigh) you just think this is my leg.
That outfit looks great on you. It would look even better rolled up in a ball on my bedroom floor.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put 'u' and 'i' closer together.
Can I have a picture? ......So I can show Santa EXACTLY what I want for Christmas.
"Excuse me, is there an airport nearby large enough for a private jet to land?"
Hey, do you know what winks and makes love like a tiger? *WINK*
I worked at a cardboard factory about a year ago with a very strange group of guys....These are just a few of the musings that kept the day interesting: 'What's the difference between a duck' 'Do you pack your lunch or walk to work?' 'Is it farther to Miami than by bus?'
Stick with me baby and I'll buy you rocks as big as diamonds.
Walk up to a girl and say, "You know, this is a psychic watch, and right now it says that you aren't wearing any underwear... Oops! Sorry, it's running a hour early again"
"You and me, baby, ain't nothing but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel."
"How bout you, me, and privacy?"
You look just like my third wife. Of course I've only been married twice...

Movies
"You have the right to an attorney . If you cannot afford an attorney , we will supply you with the stupidest , 1st year law student dumb-ass slacker we can find on the continent" - lethal weapon 4
"It's been swell, but the swellings gone down." Lori Petty, Tank Girl
"I'm a woman. We don't say what we want, but we reserve the right to be pissed off if we don't get it. That's what makes us so fascinating and not just a little bit scary." Sliding Doors
When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.
"Harold P. Warren (writer/director/producer) is a fertilizer salesman from El Paso. Coincidence?" from the listing under the trivia section of the IMDB listing for one of the worst movies ever made, 'Manos, the Hands of Fate.'
All bombs with electronic timing devices are fitted with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
"Sell crazy somewhere else, we're all stocked up here" - Jack Hicholson 'As Good As It Gets'
Captain's log: I've lost my toupee and girdle, and I can't leave my room. - Crow T. Robot, MST3K: The Movie
Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again. - Marin County newspaper's TV listing for The Wizard of Oz
"These are american components you can't work them" "American Components, Russian Compunents, They're all made in Taiwan" - American & Russian Astronaut, Armageddon
"There's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work, most of 'em just cheat on you." - Silent Bob, Clerks
'You turn me on. But maybe it's because I just spent 20 years in the jungle, getting it on with anything I could attract with a piece of fruit.' ---Eric Roberts to Julie Haggerty, in 'Rude Awakening'
"You know what I'm going to get you for Christmas next year, mom? I'm going to get you a big, wooden cross, so whenever you feel under-appreciated for all of the sacrifices you've made, you can climb on up and nail yourself to it." Kevin Spacey in The Ref
"Life moves pretty fast, if you don't stop to look around once in a while you could miss it." - Ferris Bueller
"Now I want you to reach in there, and give me back my wallet." "Which one is it?" "It's the one that says 'Bad Mother Fucker' on it." - Pulp Fiction
Trivia: All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20
Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. First of all you force him to drop the banana; then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him helpless. - Monty Python
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
A spy's boss will always says: 'Now, you're going up against some of the best trained terrorists in the world.' And yet they have automatics and completely miss the spy and he has a pistol and nails one with every shot.
'Captain's log: A bunch of our ship fell off, and nobody likes me.' - Crow T. Robot, MST3K: the Movie
"Do you think either sex out there perfect at relationships?" "Yeah, he cuts my hair." - Amy and Danny in LoveLife
"I'm your huckleberry." - Val Kilmer, Tombstone
"I had my dream again where I'm making love, and the Olympic judges are watching. I'd nailed the compulsaries, so this is it, the finals. I got a 9.8 from the Canadians, a perfect 10 from the Americans, and my mother, disguised as an East German judge, gave me a 5.6. Must have been the dismount." - Harry, _When Harry met Sally_
"I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than an eternity without it. One." - Nicholas Cage, City of Angels
"The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing people he didn't exist." - Roger 'Verbal' Khint, The Usual Suspects

Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
In a movie, no matter what window you look out in Paris, the Eiffel Tower is always right there.
"But you hate people!" "But I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?" - 'Clerks'
"Will somebody please get this big, walking carpet out of my way?" - Princess Leia, Star Wars
"All I'm saying is that somewhere out there is the man you are supposed to marry. And if you don't get him first, somebody else will, and you'll have to spend the rest of your life knowing that somebody else is married to your husband." - Marie, When Harry met Sally
Like my grandma always said, Why buy the cow when you can get the sex for free? -Brodie, Mallrats
The moral behind the movie 'The Matrix' is even if you are the almighty 'One' you still have to answer the telephone.
"Westley and I are joined by the bonds of love, and you cannot track it, not with a thousand blood houds. And you cannot break it, not with a thousand swords. And when I say you are a coward, it is only because you are the slimiest weakling ever to crawl the earth!" - Buttercup from 'The Princess Bride'
"There is a shortage of very perfect breasts in this world. It would be a pity to damage yours." - Wesley in The Princess Bride
"It's the same things your whole life. Clean up your room!, Stand up straight!, Pick up your feet!, Take it like a man!, Be nice to your sister!, Don't mix beer and wine, ever!. Oh yeah, and DON'T drive on the railroad track!" - Phil Connors, in Groundhog Day (1993)
'You turn me on. But maybe it's because I just spent 20 years in the jungle, getting it on with anything I could attract with a piece of fruit.' ---Eric Roberts to Julie Haggerty, in 'Rude Awakening'
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
"I'll never let go Jack, I'll never let go." - Rose in Titanic. Several seconds later, poor little Jack sinks to the bottom of the Atlantic...
"You're everything I never knew I always wanted." - Alex to Isabel in 'Fools Rush In'
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
"I wonder what those flashing red lights mean?" "Well, red usually means 'caution'... or 'beef', if it's a bouillon cube." - Robin Williams and Joan Cusack, Toys
"Death cannot stop true love, what it can do is delay it for a while" - Westly, 'The Princess Bride'
When their numbers dwindled from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect Hungry.
'I think my mask of sanity is about to slip' -American Psycho
'There's not a word yet for old friends who've just met. Part heaven, part space. Or have I found my place?' - Gonzo in The Muppet Movie

Science
Black holes were created when God divided by 0.
"Today, everybody remembers Galileo. How many can name the bishops and professors who refused to look through his telescope?" - James Hogan, Mind Matters
"In The Beginning there was nothing, which exploded." -Terry Pratchett
The square root of three equals two for large values of three. - found in a bathroom in the Cornell Physics department
"If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe." - Carl Sagan
Nature abhors a vacuum. So does my sister's dog.
The law of gravity says, "no fair jumping without coming down"
A bristlecone pine is just a fire's way of making another fire.
Scientists have discovered that time is not real, that we only live in the current moment. But then according to that, they haven't done the research, and don't have anything to back them up.
Black holes suck.
Geologists rock your world.
The most important part of a microbiologist's job is not letting the little things get to him.
May the torque be about you.
2nd Law of Thermodynamics: Chaos will Reign.
I like angles, but only to a degree.
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain. And as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. - Einstein
Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny yet measurable distance from the earth every year. If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs. The tallest ones, anyway.
Entropy: Not just a fad, it's the future!
Gravity isn't MY fault--I voted for velcro!
Why, if heat rises, are mountain tops so friggin' cold?
Biology grows on you.
To most people solutions mean finding the answers but to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up...
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" but "That's funny..."' - Isaac Asimov
Gravity... not just a good idea: It's the law.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
What happens if a big asteroid hits the Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad. - Dave Barry
A vibration is a motion that can't make up its mind which way it wants to go.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix - PLEASE don't drink and derive.
That's the whole problem with science. You've got a bunch of empiricists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder. - Calvin (& Hobbes)
Photons have mass!? I didn't even know they were Catholic...
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
Einstein never accepted quantum mechanics because of this element of chance and uncertainty. He said: God does not play dice. It seems that Einstein was doubly wrong. The quantum effects of black holes suggests that not only does God play dice, He sometimes throws them where they cannot be seen. - Steven Hawking
Geology: Subduction leads to Orogeny.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
If the Earth is the size of a pea in New York, then the Sun is a beachball 50m away, Pluto is 4km away, and the next nearest star is in Tokyo. Now shrink Pluto's orbit into a coffee cup, then our Milky Way Galaxy fills North America.
A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
The Three Laws Of Thermodynamics, God Shoots Dice Style: First Law: You can't win. Second Law: You can't break even. Third Law: You can't even get out of the game.
Color... it's just a pigment of your imagination.
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat. The two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Particle physicists are always trying to hold a meeting, but whenever they decide on a place, the time changes.
The Benoit/Blamey Theory of Thermo-Sock-Dynamics: Why bother to do laundry, when the inevitable loss of a sock will just increase entropy and contribute to the eventual heat death of the universe anyway?
Resolving a transformation is like cleaning a barn - it's hard to get started, but when you're good and dirty, you might as well keep going.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth's rotation, we were all speeding.
On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.
A red sign on the door of a physics professor: 'If this sign is blue, you're going too fast.'
Entropy - it's a tough job, but somebody's got to undo it.
Barium: What you do with dead chemists.
Be careful with water -- it's full of hydrogen and oxygen!

Computers & Internet
Microsoft manager to programmer: You start coding. I'll go find out what they want.
Eunuchs, the non-gender-specific OS.
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
For evil to triumph it is only necessary for good men to buy Microsoft. (Seen on alt.os.linux.caldera)
The big difference between UNIX and VMS: To do anything on UNIX, you need to know an obscure command. To do anything on VMS, you need to know an obscure option to SET.
Claiming that your operating system is the best in the world because more people use it is like saying McDonalds makes the best food in the world.
Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. 'No' is the answer!
Lunix... because I'm better than you.
'Apple Macintosh' - An anagram of 'Complaints Heap'
Your mouse has moved. Windows NT must be restarted for the change to take effect. Reboot now? [ OK ]
I heard on the news last night that Bill Gates and his wife are expecting a baby in June. I'm betting that baby will be late.
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form. -- New York Times, November 26, 1991
Linux. The choice of a GNU generation.
'MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash, If Not, The Operating System Hangs' - Noam
Unix is user friendly - it's just picky about it's friends.
Windows: Just another pain in the glass.
This is Linux country. If you listen carefully, you can hear Windows reboot...
If Bill Gates had a dime for every time a Windows box crashed...oh, wait a minute - he already does.
A Windows user spends 1/3 of his life sleeping, 1/3 working, 1/3 waiting.
Love is Hate. War is Peace. Windows is stable.
I don't do .INI, .BAT, or .SYS files. I don't assign apps to files... I don't configure peripherals or networks before using them... I have a computer to do all that... I have a Macintosh.
VMS is a text-only adventure game. If you win you can use Unix. - W. davidson
When the grammar checker identifies an error, it suggests a correction and can even makes some changes for you. - Microsoft Word for Windows 2.0 User's Guide.
Regarding security, WindowsNT is an OS with a 'Kick me' sign stuck on it's back.
Error #152 - Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.
A computer without a Microsoft operating system is like a dog without bricks tied to its head.
Linux: The smack in the face that Windows gripers have been begging for these past 10 years...
Windows 3.1 - The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.
The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners.
Beat me, whip me, make me use Windows!
W.I.N.D.O.W.S - Will Install Needless Drivers, Or Won't Start.
Microsoft Windows: computing While U Wait,
Microsoft Windows: Proof that P.T. Barnum was correct.
Name one nice thing about Windows? It doesn't just crash, it displays a dialog box and lets you press 'OK' first.
Linux renders ships. NT is rendering ships useless...
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I...
The software said Windows95 or better, so I got a Mac...
Failure is not acceptable. It comes bundled with Windows.
The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners.
You're *such* a mac person.
"Unix is simple, but it takes a genius to understand the simplicity." - Dennis Ritchie
M.A.C.I.N.T.O.S.H. - Machine Always Crashes, If Not, The Operating System Hangs.
Linux means productivity and fun. NT means 'Not Today'.
Customer: "I'm running Windows '98" Tech: "Yes." Customer: "My computer isn't working now." Tech: "Yes, you said that."
If an infinite number of computer programmers programmed for an infinite number of years, they would eventually come up with a working operating system. Bill Gates, being impatient, gave them two days and took the first one that was finished.
"Emacs is a nice operating system, but I prefer UNIX." - Tom Christiansen
"The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected." (6/72)
"[Unix] is not necessarily evil, like OS/2." - Peter Norton
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. - Jeremy S. Anderson
BTW, FWIW, IMHO, AFAIK, yes. OTOH, AAMOF, maybe not. YMMV.
Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea - massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind - boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it. - Gene Spafford,1992
Calm down -- it's only ones and zeroes.
Yip yip yip yip yap yap yip *BANG* --- NO TERRIER
Dawn is nature's way of telling you to go to bed.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
Spam of the future: "For temporary relief of nymphomania reply to this email."
A much wittier reply came to mind immediately after I clicked the 'Send' button.
Freedom of speech is wonderful - right up there with the freedom not to listen.
The Web isn't better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.
He who laughs last is at 300 baud.
Email is packaged by intellectual weight, not volume. Some settling of contents may have occurred during transmission.
The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
A 14.4 modem makes you want to get out and push!
Don't make me use uppercase...
A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from?
You know when you've been online too long when...You say BRB because you're going somewhere.
There is an old saying that if a million monkeys typed on a million keyboards for a million years, eventually all the works of Shakespeare would be produced. Now, thanks to Usenet, we know this is not true.
"Can I Get Online Dot Com ?" --Allison (age 4)
The truth is out there? Does anyone know the URL?
Home is where you hang your @
Murphy's best friend was a computer.
I couldn't afford a cool signature, so I just got this one.
Seen on the back of a dirty car: washme.com
Yo' momma's .sig is so big, she's got to use a full screen editor just to edit it!

Bumper Stickers
I need patience. NOW!
If you don't like the way I'm driving, YOU come get these handcuffs off!
I brake for hallucinations.
Attention: Driver carries less than $20 in ammunition.
Two wrongs don't make a right but three rights make a left.
Witches' Parking - All others Toad.
Missing dog and wife. Reward for dog.
Back off, I'm a postal worker.
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
I brake for No Apparent Reason.
Hang up and drive!
I may not believe what your bumper sticker says, but I will defend to the end your right to stick it!
Jesus is coming - Everyone look busy!
I want to die in my sleep like grandpa, not terrified and screaming like his passengers.
My other vehicle is a broom stick.
This is a sign written on a back of a truck: Overtakers beware, you might meet the Undertaker
My Other car is a beater (On the back of a beater).
Prevent inbreeding - ban country music.
My kid was Prisoner of the Month at Dartmoor Prison.
Even though this is a stupid bumper sticker, you're squinting to read it.
'Smile, I could be behind you!' - on Police Motorcycle license frame
Jesus, protect me from your followers!
Honk if you love Hanson. Then run into a tree.
Supporting Militant Agnostics... we don't know, and you don't either.
Keep honking - I'm reloading.
You're driving a car. It isn't a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
i souport publik edekasion.
I drive this way just to piss you off.
Help beautify our dumps. Throw away something pretty.
FREE TIBET! (with the purchase of a 44 oz. drink).
Honk if you love N Sync! (then go drive off a cliff)
Pray for whirled peas.
Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon!
My karma ran over your dogma.
Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window!
"No, YOU suck" - the mean people.
Why am I the only person on earth who knows how to drive?
I wonder if you'd drive any better with that car phone up your butt?
Work harder: Millions on welfare depend on you.
Nice front bumper you have there. Shame if something happened to it.
My car does 0 - 60mph in 5 miles!
Honk if you're a goose.
No Radio - Already Stolen.
Don't steal, the government hates competition.
Forget About World Peace... Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Drive defensively - buy a tank.
Do not wash this car. It is undergoing a scientific dirt experiment.
They couldn't repair my brakes, so they made my horn louder.
If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk! (seen on the back on a wheelchair)
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can't remember...
Horn broken, watch for finger.
You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
I don't drive fast, I fly low.
On the back of an old pickup: If this truck was a horse, I'd have to shoot it.
His wife said: "Be an angel and let me drive." So he did, and now he is.
Honk if you like obscene gestures!
You go on ahead, I'll see you at the next light.
Drive carefully! Remember, it's not only a car that can be recalled by it's maker.
Where are we going and what am I doing in this handbasket?
If you can read this, the bitch fell off. (on the back of a biker's T-shirt).
I'm not tailgating, I'm slipstreaming!
My truck is not leaking, it's marking its territory.
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
Millions of sperm and YOU were the fastest?
To keep your kids safe: Love them at home, belt them in the car.
There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead.
Zero to bitch in 2.4 seconds.
If you are close enough to read this, I am close enough to slam on my brakes and sue you.
Bad cop. No doughnut.
I drive waaay too fast to worry about cholesterol.
(On a VW being pulled by an RV) Don't honk, I'm pushing as hard as I can.
Born free... Taxed to death.
Honk your brains out, it wont take long.
Drive carefully, we need every taxpayer we can get.
Earth first! (We'll strip-mine the other planets later)
Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
I don't trust President Clinton (or her husband).
I love animals, especially in a good gravy.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
I bought this car on credit - 20% down and the balance on receipt of threatening letters.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.
'YES this is my truck. NO I wont help you move.'
Don't piss me off - I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
So many pedestrians, so little time!
Don't Annoy The Crazy Person.
Don't Laugh, your daughter may be in here.
I got this motor home for my wife. BEST deal I ever made!
I brake for tailgaters. Hard.
If you can read this, you are in phaser range.
(On the back of a VW Beetle) Don't honk, I'm peddling as fast as I can.
Woman make great leaders, you're following one.
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole!
(license plate holder on a 1983 Toyota Tercel) "Undercover Princess"
'Next time wave all your fingers at me!'
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
Jesus saves - Gretzky gets the rebound and scores!
If this car is being driven safely, call the cops - it's been stolen!
You may touch the dust just don't write in it.
Wanted: Overnight Meaningful Relationship
I may be slow but I'm ahead of you!
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
The kids drive me crazy. I drive them everywhere.
See on small car: 'When I grow up, I want to be a Truck'
Go with God. (my car's full...)
You! Out of the gene pool!
(Upside down on the bumper of a Jeep) If You Can Read This, Please Flip Jeep Over.
Ankh if you love Isis.
Single Women Can't fart, They Don't get A**holes till they Marry.
Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say: "Honk if..."
If you like my bumper, you'll love my headlights.
D.A.R.E. to keep cops off donuts.

Cats & Dogs (The Truth About?)
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. - Robert Benchley
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Ann Landers
To his dog, every man is Napoleon. Hence the constant popularity of dogs. - Aldous Huxley
As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat. - Ellen Perry Berkeley
You should always go to a vet who is also a taxidermist. Either way, you get your dog back.
In dog years, I'm dead. - Unknown
People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life. - Faith Resnick
Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia. - Joseph Wood Krutch
You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets. - Nora Ephron
There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.
You can always tell a cat, but you can't tell him much.
Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well. - Missy Dizick
At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.
'A dog may be the only opportunity a human has to choose a relative.' -- Mordecai Siegal
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
Cats don't hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don't, so that's all right. - Terry Pratchett
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money. - Joe Weinstein
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. - Jeff Valdez
Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want. - Joseph Wood Krutch
'Happiness is a warm puppy' - Charles Schultz (1922-2000)
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket then giving Fido only two of them. - Phil Pastoret
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. - August Strindberg
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. - Josh Billings
There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats. - Albert Schweitzer
I finally maneged to teach my dog to beg. Last night he came home with $15.00
Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! - Anne Tyler
In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats. - English proverb
Dogs may shed, but cats shred.
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. - Sue Murphy
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does. - Christopher Morley
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. - Groucho Marx
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain
Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. - Robert A. Heinlein
"ANY question addresed to a cat can be counted rhetorical." - E. Miller
Man is a dog's idea of what God should be. - Holbrook Jackson
It may be called puppy love, but it's real to the puppy.
Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
Time spent with cats is never wasted. - Colette
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. - Dave Barry
"ANY question addresed to a cat can be counted rhetorical." - E. Miller
One cat just leads to another. - Ernest Hemingway
I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am
Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit. - John S. Nichols
Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories! - Dr. T.C.
Unless you are the lead sled dog, the view never changes.
I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. - Hippolyte Taine
Curiosity didn't kill the cat, I got him with a 12-gauge.
I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic.
When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. - Edward Abbey
Curiosity is the very basis of education and if you tell me that curiosity killed the cat, I say only the cat died nobly. - Arnold Edinborough
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies. - Gene Hill
Cats know what we feel. They don't care, but they know.
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams
Cat rule #2: Bite the hand that won't feed you fast enough.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.
On the Internet, nobody knows you're a cat.
Some days you're the dog. Some days you're the hydrant.
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But put him in a car and the first thing he does is stick his head out the window.
We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?
Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
When I wash the cat, it takes me hours to get the hair off my tongue.
In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. - Dereke Bruce
Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats. - Colonial American proverb
Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane. - Smiley Blanton
You know it's time to shave your legs when the cat uses them for scratching behind its ears.

Answerphones
Hello. Here are my answers to last weeks messages, in order of their arrival. Yes. Maybe. At seven. You'll get it tomorrow. For sure. Get me that phone number. Thanks, I take my messages on Mondays.
This answering machine has been connected to a 5,000 volt power supply that has been wired to this small kitten (pathetic mewing). If you don't leave a message, Fluffy here gets it. The choice is yours.
I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
Hi. Now you say something.
These words are lovely dark and deep but I've got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep so leave a message at the beep.
I can't come to the phone now, so... Hey -- that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... Yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for you.
[Carefully modulated English accent, like Alex in "A Clockwork Orange"] Oh, my brothers and only droogs, your poor narrator's not in now - he's out on his oddy-nocky looking for a bit of pretty polly - some young devotchka with horrorshow grooties. Leave thy message after the malinky beepie-weep, and I'll get back to thee later, righty-right.
This is the Time Travelling Agency's answering machine. We're closed right now but leave a message before the beep and we might have called you back.
Hi, we are probably at home we are just screening our call to avoid someone we don't like, leave a message and if we don't call back it was you!
Hi! Dave's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Please leave a tone after the message.
(With loud music playing in the background) "Hello... HELLO?? I can't hear you! What? Oh.. we're not home, leave a message."
Roses are red, Cactus are green; This is my telephone answering machine. If you'd like to leave a message, that's ok. I'm not here - I ran away. Leave your name and number after the tone, and I'll call you, when they drag me home.
As you can see, we're not at home. So leave a message at the sound of the tone. If you're a burglar we're not gone at all. We're cleaning our shotguns and screening your call.
This is not an answering machine, this is a telepathic thought recording device. At the beep, thing about your name, think about your number, and think about your reason for calling. We'll think about calling you back.
This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
A is for Academics B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here.
... if you want to send a fax... buy me a fax machine.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says: I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
Yoda's answering machine, this is. Leave a message, you might and call you back, he will.
Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange...mother...unicorn...penis. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.
Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialled the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, just hang up.
Lucifer Speaking. Who in hell do you want?
Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nap. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.
Hello, you've reached the psychiatric hotline. If you are obsessive/compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you have multiple personalities, press 2, 3, 4, and 5. If you are simply paranoid, just stay on the line - we know who you are.

Literary Quotes
"So we reach into the raging chaos, and we pluck some small glittering thing, and we cling to it, and tell ourselves it has meaning, and that the world is good, and we are not evil and we will all go home in the end." - Lestat (Tale of the Body Thief by Anne Rice)
The reason I'm having so much trouble flying this ship is because it's black. The walls are black, the floor is black, the console is black, the switches are black, the labels are little black letters printed on a black background, and when you press anything, a black light lights up in black to tell you you've done it.' Ford Prefect - Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
"Even when reading is impossible, the presence of books acquired produces such and ecstasy that the buying of more books than one can read is nothing less than the soul reaching towards infinity... we cherish books even if unread, their mere presence exudes comfort, their ready access, reassurance." A.E. Newton
"Behind them lay pain, and death, and fear; ahead of them lay doubt, and danger, and fathomless mysteries. But they weren't alone." - The Golden Compass by Philip Pullman
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife. -Jane Austen (Pride and Prejudice)
"Fifteen religions at least. That's a lot of religions for one God." - The Virginian (Owen Wilder)
"It only makes sense that every facet of our daily lives should depend upon the position of celestial bodies hundreds of millions of miles away." - Calvin and Hobbes
Don't try to out-weird me, three eyes. I get weirder things than you in my breakfast cereal. - Zaphod Beeblebrox, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galazy
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. - Douglas Adams
"I thought I had a great idea today, but it never really took off. In fact, it didn't even get on the runway. I guess you could say it exploded in the hangar." - Calvin and Hobbes
"I've dreamt in my life dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas they've gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the colour of my mind." -Wuthering Heights, by Emily Bronte
"A bore is a person who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company" John MacDonald in 'The Turquoise Lament', 1973
"It startled him even more when just after he was awarded the Galactic Institute's Prize for Extreme Cleverness he got lynched by a rampaging mob of respectable physicists who had finally realized that the one thing they really couldn't stand was a smartarse." - The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy
We die containing a richness of lovers and tribes, tastes we have swallowed, bodies we have plunged into and swum up as if rivers of knowledge... characters we have climbed into as if trees, fears we have hidden in as if caves. (...) We are communal histories, communal books. We are not owned or monogamous in our taste or experience. --Michael Ondaatje, The English Patient
"If I ever meet myself, I'll hit myself so hard I won't know what's hit me." - Zaphod Beeblebrox, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
"They may have been ugly. They may have been evil. But when it came to poetry-in-motion, the Things had all the grace and coordination of a desk-chair." Terry Pratchett
"There is no room in my body for anything but you. My arms love you, my knees shake with blind affection. My mind begs you to ask it something so it can obey." - Buttercup from The Princess Bride by William Goldman
"Her imagination was by habit ridiculously active when the door was not open, it jumped out of the window." - Henry James, Portrait of a Lady.
'Life is pain. Anybody that says different is selling something.' -- Fezzik's mother, The Princess Bride
"Shared Pain is Lessened, shared Joy increased, thereby do we refute Entropy..." Michael Callahan, Callahan's Crosstime Saloon by Spider Robinson
In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women, and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. - The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy
"The structure of the university was such that, to become a member of the faculty, you merely found some obscure subject that nobody else claimed to teach, set up an office, and showed up at meal times. If you were unlucky, you may attract students." - Terry Pratchett, 'The Last Continent'
"My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes." - 'Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy: part III: Life, The Universe and Everything
"God kills, and so shall we indiscriminately He takes the richest and the poorest, and so shall we. For no creatures under God are as we are, none so like Him as ourselves." - Lestat, Interview With The Vampire, Anne Rice.
"All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others." Animal Farm, George Orwell
Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and weigh only 1.5 tons. - Popular Mechanics, 1949
'because we are the people, and the people go on'--Ma Joad in 'The Grapes of Wrath' by John Steinbeck
"That's cool," said Zaphod. "We'll meet the meat." - Zaphod Beetlebrox, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe.
'How can I help it?' he blubbered. 'How can I help seeing what is in front of my eyes? Two and two are four.' "Sometimes, Winston. Sometimes they are five. Sometimes they are three. Sometimes they are all of them at once. You must try harder. It is not easy to become sane." - 1984 (George Orwell)
Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so. - Ford Prefect, The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy
'Always throw spilled salt over your left shoulder. Keep rosemary by your garden gate. Add pepper to your mashed potatoes. Plant roses and lavender, for luck. Fall in love whenever you can.' - Alice Hoffman (Practical Magic)
Hamlet (holding a skull): "This is Yorick, I can tell." Horatio: "Boy, you must have known him well." - Green Eggs and Hamlet"
The butler entered the room, a solemn procession of one. - P.G. Wodehouse
"But what was there to warn about, besides the fact that he glowed in the dark?" - Tamora Pierce
"Life; loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it." - Marvin the Paranoid Android, Hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy
"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars." -- Jack Kerouac, On the Road
"Certain things should just stay as they are. You ought to be able to stick them in one of those big glass cases and just leave them alone." - Holden, 'Catcher in the Rye'
"This book is dedicated to my brilliant and beautiful wife without whom I would be nothing. She always comforts and consoles, never complains or interferes, asks nothing, and endures all. She also writes my dedications." - Albert Malvino
'And I, of course, am innocent of all but malice.' - Fiona, Sign of the Unicorn, by Roger Zelazny
"Of all my relations I like sex the best, and Eric the least." - Nine Princes in Amber, by Roger Zelazny
To paraphrase Oedipus, Hamlet, Lear, and all those guys, "I wish I had known this some time ago." - Corwin, Sign of the Unicorn

Drink
The best days to drink beer are days that end in the letter, "Y".
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. - David Moulton
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. - Jack Handy
Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Give a man a beer, he'll waste an hour. Teach a man to brew, he'll waste a lifetime.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. -Tom Waits
Irish I had another drink.
Whiskey was invented so the Irish wouldn't rule the world.
There's too much blood in my alcohol system
Milk Sucks, Got Beer?
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. -Ernest Hemingway
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. - Frank Sinatra
Many people die of thirst - but the Irish are born with one.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? - W.C. Fields
Dough, the stuff, that buys my beer, Ray, the guy that tends the bar, Me, the guy, who drinks my beer, Far, the distance to the bar, So, I think I'll have a beer, La, Laa lAA lAh LaH LAA LAAAH! Tea, no thanks I want a beer, which brings us back to Dough Dough Dough!
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
To some it's half empty, To some it's half full. To me it's time for a beer run!
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. - Humphrey Bogart
Once during prohibition, I was forced to live on nothing but food and water. - W.C. Fields
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. - Frank Zappa
One more and I'll be under the host - Dorothy Parker
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. - Henny Youngman
You are drunk when you feel sophisticated but you can't pronounce it.
Beer - So much more than just a breakfast drink.
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 1862!
Remember I before E, except in Budweiser.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
Beer - The reason I wake up every afternoon.
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. - David Daye
To some its a six-pack, to me it's a support Group
Without question the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you the wheel was also a fine invention, but a wheel does not go as well with pizza. - Dave Barry
I have a drink to celebrate the little things. Like Tuesdays - we only have one of those a week!
Scotch - Because one doesn't solve the world's problems over white wine.
And God said: Let there be vodka! And He saw that it was good. Then God said: Let there be light! And then He said: Whoa - too much light.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your beer.
Work is the curse of the drinking classes. - Oscar Wilde
There are only two times when I drink beer, when I'm alone and when I'm with someone else.
American beer is like making love in a canoe. It's f*cking close to water. - Monty Python
Beer contains Vitamin Pee.
Scotch. Even we Irish will drink it...
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
As a rule, I don't drink -- as a habit, I do!
24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. - Dean Martin

Definitions
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Willpower: The ability to eat only one salted peanut.
Profanity: The linguistic crutch of inarticulate bastards
University: The place where you have three options--to sleep, to study, or to party - but only get to pick two per semester.
Experience: A comb life gives you after you lose your hair.
Vinylocity: The strange atmospheric force that makes the shower curtain blow towards you while trying to shower.
Committee: The unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
Worry: The interest you pay on trouble before it comes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Vacation: A time when parents realize that teachers aren't paid enough.
Bank manager: A jerk who will lend you an umbrella when the sun is shining, and ask for it back when it starts to rain.
Democracy: Three wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for supper.
Boat: A hole in the water surrounded by wood into which one pours money.
Bachelor: One who treats all women as sequels.
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco, wrapped in paper, fire at one end, fool at the other.
Tact: The ability to describe others as they see themselves. - Abraham Lincoln
Heckler & Koch: The ultimate point and click interface.
Expert: A person who knows a great deal about very little and who goes along knowing more and more about less and less, until finally he knows practically everything about nothing.
Death: Life's way of saying: You can let go of your ankles now.
Eccentric: Too rich to be called crazy.
Idealist: One who upon observing that a rose smells better than a cabbage concludes that it will also make better soup.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Taxpayer: Someone who doesn't have to take a public service exam to work for the government.
Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Reference Manual: Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.
Solicitor: A person that makes sure they get what's coming to you.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
Conscience: That part of the psyche that dissolves in alcohol.
Psychiatrist: A person who tries to figure out whether an infant has more fun in infancy than an adult has in adultery.
Hangover: The wrath of grapes.
e-i-e-i-o: A gross misspelling of the word 'farm'.
Atheism: A non-prophet organization.
Television: The electronic device that alternates between extreme violence and finding great long-distance rates.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Economist: One who tells you what to do with your money after you've spent it.
Writer: Someone who's never seen a chasm that didn't yawn.
Insane: When you're nuts and it bothers you. (Crazy is when you're nuts and you like it, eccentric is when you can afford it).
Recession: A period when you go without things your grandparents never heard of.
School: Place where people learn how to copy textbooks, for that common situation in later life when the photocopier breaks and you realy need part of a book you aren't allowed to borrow.
Researcher: One who pulls habits out of rats
Snackmosphere: The 95% air inside a bag of chips.
Diplomacy: The ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way he looks forward to the trip.
Committee: A cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.
Stress: The confusion created when ones mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living crap out of some butthead who desperately needs it.
Recursion: see Recursion.
Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.
Reality: A crutch for people who can't face drugs.
Classic: A book that everybody wants to have read, and nobody wants to read.
Paper clip: The larval stage of coat hangers.
Committee: A group that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Laziness: Resting before you get tired.
Civilization: Going from shoeless toes to toeless shoes.
Disco: A din of iniquity.
Atheist: Someone with no invisible means of support.
Air bags: Inflation we can live with.
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Tourist: Someone who goes 3,000 miles to get a picture in front of his car.
Budget: Something we go without to stay within.
Alarm clock: A device to wake people without small kids.
Australian Rules Football: A ame devised for padded cells, played in the open air.
Optimism: It will all come out in the wish
Bad Driver: Someone who thinks it normal to carry an assortment of colours of touch up paint in their glove box. (My Father in-law!)
Diplomacy: The art of saying 'Nice doggie!' ... till you can find a rock.
Polynesia: Memory loss in parrots.
Aloha Oy: Love, greetings and farewell from such a pain you should never know.
Alibi: proof that you were in two places at once.
Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
Honest politician: One who, when bought, stays bought.
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they're dead.
Hospitality: Making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
Diamond: A chunk of coal that made it under pressure.
Redundancy is just basically saying something over and over and over again.
Foreplay: any misrepresentation of yourself for the express purpose of obtaining sex.
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Santatarianism: The belief that when you die your soul gets stuck in the chimney.
Lactomangulation: Manhandling the 'open here' spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
Hope: Enjoyment of the future in advance.
Mixed emotions: Watching the school burn down when your new catcher's mitt is in your desk.
Fairy tales: Horror stories for children to get them used to reality.
Conscience: The inner voice that warns us somebody is looking. - H. L. Mencken
Slander: To lie, or tell the truth about someone.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Baby-sitter: A teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
Diplomat: A man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
Auditor: A person sent in after the battle to stab the wounded
Politics: From the words 'poly' meaning 'many' and 'ticks' as in 'small, blood-sucking parasites'.
Camel: A horse designed by a committee.
Relativitiy: Sit next to a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. Sit on a red-hot stove for a minute, it seems like an hour.
Hospital: Where they wake you up to give you a sleeping pill.
Cynic: Someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
Automobile: A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.
Fashion: That which, while not necessarily beautiful, makes all that preceded it look silly.
Acting: The art of keeping the audience from coughing.
Dieting: Wishful shrinking.

Grafitti
Seen on the men's room wall at the BoardWalk Blues Cafe in Nashville - "I screwed your mother" and below it was written - "Go home dad, you're drunk!"
On a menu in Miller's Landing in Galveston, Texas: "If the food were any fresher, you'd have to slap it!"
Do not eat large white mints (above a urinal)
"Breakfast in New York, Lunch in Paris." (and scrawled below the American Airlines poster) "Baggage in Hong Kong."
Please don't throw your toothpicks in our toilets, our crabs have learned to pole vault. (Seen in a bathroom in Destin Fl)
In case of emergency, pull handle. (written above a public toilet in New York City)
Note on condom machine: 'These condoms built to British standards.' underneath, 'Yeah, and so was the Titanic'
We aim to please, you aim too, please. (Wall in Penrith Petrol Station)
Written on cubicle wall in two parts: What's worse, Ignorance or Apathy? I Don't know and I don't care!
Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married! - Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. (written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Arizona.)
A friend told me of a visit to the restroom of a restaurant he was visiting with a lady friend. He discovered that graffiti was hidden in the wallpaper, like those paintings which don't appear to have a picture until one jumps out at you. He sent his lady friend to check out the ladies room, but he had to send her back 3 times before she saw it. They both said the sayings were hilarious, and there were also swear words and phrases, all unseen except to the unfocused(?) eye!
We don't swim in your urinals. Please don't pee in our pool.
"My mother made me a lesbian" (and written below that) "If I give her the yarn, will she make me one, too?" On the bathroom wall of the Infinity Bar in Miamisburg, Ohio 1979
Scrawled on a condom machine: Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber!
If you think our waiters are rude, you should see our manager. (On a cafe wall in Bristol.)
Fire torpedo 1! Fire torpedo 2! Fire torpedo 3! ... (one saying above each toilet in a movie theatre restroom)
Please don't throw your butts in the urinal. It makes them soggy and hard to light. (written in bar bathroom in Memphis, TN)
Please do not complain about the coffee. You'll be old and weak someday, too!
'God, my hands are cold!' Scrawled at the top of a Superman poster, in a 'thought bubble' above his head.
'Not all who wander are lost' and written underneath: 'Not all who launder are washed' grafitti in Portland, Oregon.
Beware of limbo dancers! (written at bottom of bathroom stall door with arrow pointing down)
Your child's future is in your hands. (seen above a urinal)
The weather is here. I wish you were beautiful. (Famous bathroom graffiti that Jimmy Buffett turned into a song)
Written above the mirror in a men's washroom in Seattle, Wa, "Think!" and someone had scrawled below it, with an arrow pointing down, "Thoap".
As seen above a urinal: What are you looking up here for? The real joke is in your hands.
For a good time, don't call my X-wife!
Pull here for an Arts degree. (seen on toilet paper dispenser)
"E=mc2" (and written underneath it) Very nice, Albert. Next time show your calculations.
Sign seen in restaurant: We Reserve The Right To Serve Refuse To Anyone!
On a posted sign: "Bill Stickers will be prosecuted!" and written next to it, "Bill Stickers is innocent!"
(seen on a restaurant) GUYS: No shirt, no service GALS: No shirt, no charge.
(Left Wall) For toilet tennis, look right. (Right Wall) For toilet tennis, look left.
Sign on the door of a maternity ward in a hospital: 'push, push, push'
Seen on a subway wall in New York: Life is one contradiction after another. Written below it: No it's not!
written on a toilet wall: I.C.A.Q.A.Q.I.C.I.8.2.Q.B.4.I.P.
At this moment, you are the only man in the Army who knows what he is doing - Gents Lavatory, Aldershot Barracks UK
Don't read this you fool, Watch what you're doing! - Gents Lavatory - London
Sign on the wall above a toilet: "Flush only Toilet Paper."

Good Questions
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
How can there be self-help GROUPS?
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg?
If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
If you had a million Shakespeare's, would they write like a monkey?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
Why do they call it life insurance?
Is Lever 2000 soap Y2K compliant?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, who's the idiot that said: Quit while you're ahead?
What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all?' - George Carlin
If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?
Practice makes perfect, but if nobody's perfect, why practice?
After heat killed bad germs, where do they go? Obviously not in heaven, since they've been bad. Surely then can't go to hell, for the heat would kill them again(?)...
When it rains, how come cows don't knock on the farmer's door and say, "Hey, let us in, we're all wearing leather out here!"
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers? - George Carlin
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Why are haemorrhoids called 'haemorrhoids' instead of 'asteroids'?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word 'monosyllabic'?
What's the speed of dark?
If it's 0 degrees today, and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, ...how cold will it be?
May I refuse to inherit the earth?
In court, why do they ask if you swear to tell the truth? If you're planning on lying, do they really think you'll tell them so?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Is a metaphor like a simile?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
How come on the show 'Family Matters' two of the kids just dissappeard... they were there one season and gone the next... makes you wonder if family really does matter?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Shouldn't the cosmic stupidity hopper be empty by now?
Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
What are Preparation A through Preparation G?
If 7-11 is open 24-7 and 365 days a year why do they have locks on their doors?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Why is it you get a penny for your thoughts but have to put in your two cents worth?
Why do tourists go to the top of tall buildings and then put money in telescopes so they can see things on the ground in close-up?
How can something be 'new and improved'? If it's new what was it improving on?
Whenever you're holding all the cards, why does everyone else turn out to be playing chess?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Is there another word for synonym?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Why do they report power outages on TV? - George Carlin
If masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn't they do it best by not torturing themselves? - And if so, aren't we all masochists?
Why is it that when we ship something by truck, it's called a shipment but if we send something by ship, it's called cargo?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Can a storm be officially designated as a tornado without touching down at a trailer park?
How can someone draw a blank?
How came they call them Tuna fish but not beef mammal or chicken bird?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? - George Carlin
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Why is it that when you are on the telephone, writing furiously and holding a finger up to tell the person who just came into your office to hold on a second, they ask: Do you have a minute?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
How do you know if honesty is the best policy unless you've tried some of the others?
If the only thing to survive a plane crash is the black box, why don't they make the whole plane out of the black box?
If con is the opposite of pro, then what is the opposite of progress?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Who's cruel idea was is to put the 's' in lisp?
What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
If aliens are smart enough to travel through space, why do they keep abducting the dumbest people on earth?
If knowledge is power and power corrupts, doesn't knowledge corrupt?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If we're not supposed to eat late-night snacks, why is there a light in the refrigerator?
On Gilligan's Island, if the professor could build a radio out of coconut, why couldn't he fix a hole in the boat?
Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?
How does a thermos know whether a drink should be hot or cold?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
If a tree falls on a mime in the forest, does anyone care?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
How do 'Do Not Walk On Grass' signs get there?
If knees were backward, what would chairs look like?
How do you know when yogurt goes bad?
If you mix milk of magnesia with vodka and orange juice, do you get a Phillip's screw driver?
Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why do mattresses have springs, if they aren't made for jumping on?
With interactive TV will I be able to slap Rush Limbaugh?
Why is Greenland icy, and Iceland green?
Why is there only one monopolies and mergers commission?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95/minute?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why is it that whe our kids are naughty we ask "do you want a spanking?" What are they going to say, "Yes please, may I have two?"...
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?
What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Does Mr. Rogers really want us to be his neighbor?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Where are the germs that cause 'good' breath?
How come the bullets that work are fired, and the ones that don't work are not?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
"So tell me, are those cookies made with real Girl Scouts?"
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars?
Why did Mr. & Mrs. Howell pack so much clothing for a three hour tour?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
If a book about failure doesn't sell, is it a success?
Can I yell MOVIE in a crowded firehouse?
Why aren't there ever any GUILTY bystanders?
How can you be ALONE with somebody? Think about it...
In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
How do you remove a club soda stain?
Why is it you must wait until night to call it a day?
Why do hotdogs come in a package 12 and the hotdog rolls come in a package of 8?
If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
If you get wrapping paper for a present, how do you know when to stop unwrapping?
If you ate pasta and anti pasta, would you still be hungry?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
What happened to the first 6 'ups'?
If our legs were hinged the other way, what would furniture look like?
Why do doctors call what they do practice?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
What year did Jesus think it was?
Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing is wrong?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
If they're psychic and I need them so much, why don't they just phone me?
If a cigarette smoker wakes up from a 7-year coma, does he want a cigarette?
Why can't you make another word using all the letters in 'anagram'?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
How much would they pay the matador if the bull had no horns?
If atheists say there is no God, who do they think pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? - George Carlin
Is Santa so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?
Why Do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Does a person ever get sick without being tired?
Where did Webster look up the definitions when he wrote the dictionary?
Did Washington flash a quarter when asked for ID?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
Why do hot dogs come ten to a package and hot dog buns only eight?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
If we are here on earth to help others, what on earth are the others here for?
If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?
If you saw with a sawhorse, do you seesaw with a seahorse?
If you try to fail, and then succeed, what've you really done?
If Snow White and Cinderella both married Prince Charming, did they marry the same guy?
How can there be a limited lifetime warranty?
Why do they call it instant credit when it actually means instant debt?