24-5-2K5, 1545 BST
*Clears dust off*
My gods, almost four years since I last posted here. Reading back over it is something of an eye-opener... I was a miserable bastard in my youth, wasn't I?
So what's changed? Well, I graduated Uni with a 2:2 BA in English, not great but pretty much what I was expecting. I'd pretty much lost interest by the end; the degree beat most of my love for reading and writing out of me. Instead I developed an appreciation of anime and manga, as well as many other things Japanese- food, collectibles and the culture itself. I started learning the language last year, and while I can only just introduce myself and ask/answer basic questions in it I am surprised how fast I've come forward. It makes one hell of a difference if you actually want to learn something.
I also discovered the joys of tabletop roleplaying- that's been the mainstay of my social life for about the last three years. It's almost the most fun you can have with your clothes on. ;-)
I'm still in Loughborough, working in an office job- though probably not for much longer. Technically I've been a computer systems coordinator since the end of last August (I was a clerical wageslave before that), though my contract comes to an end mid-July. I'm a bit pissed about that- I was originally told there was a possibility of a permanent job after six months, and gave up on the possibility of a teaching position on the JET Programme in the hope of that, though it's now apparent that no such position exists. On top of that, the company's managed to weasel its way out of paying me the salary normally due an employee in a similar position. I feel like I've been used and strung along, and to be honest I'm not all that cut up about leaving- I can see the rest of the office folding in the next year or so, and I have a feeling that's been on the cards for a while.
So I'm now hunting for a job, tied in Loughborough for another year as I am. The faces around me are a mix of old and new- Graeme's still around, moving back to the town and into the same house as me (coincidentally just around the corner from our old digs on Havelock Street), along with Pete Mitchell, another highly decent bloke with whom I'm currently living. The rest of the local cast includes Vicki (something of a kindred spirit, I feel), Ed (current housemate and finalist, top bloke if expensive to live with- I've never seen anyone who eats like him...), Rob (just finished his Doctorate- congratulations again- and now looking to join the wider world), Kat (who I met through Graeme and one of Graeme's old colleagues, a roleplayer and decent if occasionally exasperating woman- no offence, Katchan!) and a myriad other faces in transition. The older guard have been relegated to supporting roles- Jack now lives just outside Nottingham, though I've only seen him once in the past three years, and Alun is AFAIK still in Wales, still alive and well if incommunicative. I'm still hanging around with the RockSoc crowd, but the older members to whom I felt the most kinship are drifting away- of the people I knew in my first year only Graeme is still around. The only constant in the universe is change, I guess.
Thus you find me: I'm twenty-four, scraping my way out of the last vestiges of debt and trying to make something of my life. I'm beginning to think that's going to be significantly harder than I'd like. It seems that Loughborough's a dead-zone for employment in any field I'd be of any use in, the nation is going to hell in a handbasket, and I guess the only things keeping me here are my friends. I've got to start looking at the future- if I don't get out of here in the next year or two I probably never will. I went back to NL with Graeme for a week back in March/April- and I almost didn't want to come back. England's not home any more. If I could move back to The Hague and take my friends with me, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I've got to get out of here, but where to? It's probably got to be the Netherlands or Japan, at the end of either the next tenancy year or the one after that. Unless I get a decent permanent job, there's nothing to stop me applying for the JET programme any longer.
At least the computer's still OK (famous last words). It's had a couple of upgrades since I last updated here (one of which got lost in the post, and due to the incompetence of Royal Mail cost me £280)- so I'm now running an AthlonXP 3200+ with a gig of high-performance RAM and GeForceFX graphics card. The beast also has a swish black aluminium-and-plastic case full of lights and cooling gizmos, so even when the performance goes down the chute at least it does so with style. She's currently called Zefiris after the self-aware weapon system in the anime Scrapped Princess (which rocks verily).
In conclusion then: my work life sucks, my social life waxes and wanes randomly, my love life remains non-existant and my financial status balances on a knife-edge. I've got to get out of Loughborough, but I want to do so without losing my friends again. Maybe, looking back, I am as fucked-up as I used to be- the problems have just scaled up a little as time has passed...
Song for the day: Pride (off the Gundam SEED Destiny soundtrack) by High And Mighty Color.


4-6-2K1, 0004 BST
Just realised how long it's been since I updated this page. What's happened? Well, a proverbial shitstorm, I'd say. From the top, Giles had his marriage annulled and is thus living with us again. We've only got two weeks left on the contract before we're out of here- actually a week next Thursday. I'm not moving into the new place until the start of July, so I'm going back to Holland for a couple of weeks to hopefully get some decent cycling done and thus get this beer-addled figure of mine back in trim. Where work's concerned, the Uni year is all but over, all my essays handed in, done and dusted. I just hope they're good enough to get me into the next year, as my main tutor this time round hates my style and (I reckon) marks me down because of it. I plan to try and get a job over the summer to try and offset this overdraft of mine somewhat, but whether I can find anything I'm capable of doing is another matter.
'Puter's handling a little better, but a number of games won't work, some of which I really enjoyed. I've worked out a plan to solve the problem by using spare bits to build a second machine for older games and DVD playback, but that's still gonna cost about £200+, which I don't really have.
We might be able to save RockSoc financially at least- the new committee does seem to care, so I'm hopeful that while we will probably write this year off as a bad deal, next year we can make a go of it. I'd like to see the society make it up to the top ranks again, but it'll probably take a bit more than the holding of hands.
Anyways, enough of this banter. I'm actually in a fairly optimistic mood (it shows, doesn't it?)- it's been a fun year in Havelock Street, and hopefully the good parts of it will continue onward though the locations may change- Graeme going back to Derby, Jack in Toddington down Luton way, Alun in Newport, Giles homeless but frantically looking for a council place in the area, and me of course elsewhere in Lufbra. We've had the occasional bit of turmoil (normally to do with the state of the house or finances), but I feel we've all enjoyed ourselves. I just hope next year lives up to this one...
Song for the day: Fragile Dreams, by Anathema.


8-3-2K1, 1524 GMT
For once something has gone right. Poetry-dot-com (www.poetry.com) sent me a letter this morning saying they were putting Never Said into an anthology- as well as onto an audio book. It won't cost me a thing (unless I want a copy), which is a bonus. There aren't any royalties, but as I didn't have to pay anything I can't complain too much.
Bought me a new graphics card (Creative GeForce2 MX, DDR RAM) about a month ago, only to find the AGP slot on my motherboard didn't work (as well as- I thought- the floppy port). So after selling a load of wargames figures to Giles I managed to buy a new mobo last weekend. Got it working to find that the card overheats like a bastard- it gets hot enough to burn fingers. This, apparently (checked with Alun who has the same card), is not normal. The thing has no fan or heat sink, which I found odd but it's apparently designed like that. And I can't fit any cooling directly to it that I can buy in Lufbra. So I've had to add another case fan and hope it doesn't melt down.
Somehow the system seems to be sticky, if such a thing is possible. The taskbar (usually hidden) takes a little time to disappear after the cursor has left it, windows drag slower and occasionally the pointer moves like it's in treacle. On a fairly high-spec system I don't expect this. I can't win, can I? I haven't tried any games on it yet, though I've benchmarked the machine (comes out twice as fast as before the new gfx card). I've noticed points where it stops for about a quarter of a second as if something's trying to catch up.
I don't know. Maybe I need more RAM.
RockSoc's its usual self. I've been elected Chair, which means I'm now responsible for, well, everything. Tried to organise a trip to Sheffield for their festival-thingy organised by Sheffield RockSoc, but alas member apathy killed that one. I said that we needed thirty people definitely going and we got five including me. How in the hell are we going to get this soc working? I've almost given up hope, and I've only had the job a week and a half. Oh well, maybe something will work out some day...
Don'tcha just love optimism?
Song for the day: Throw Away Heroes, by The Hellacopters.


18-12-2K, 0258 GMT
The great rebuild at last! I reckon I've finally got this page as I want it for the next six months. It's about all I can do at the moment. Jack's moved out, Graeme and Alun have both gone home for Christmas. Both of them are quitting Uni come the end of the academic year- in effect they've both quit as of about four weeks ago. I'm here alone with my modem and a week's worth of time on my hands, but without the vaunted T3 at the Uni surfing the 'net just isn't what it used to be. I get disconnected.
I'm looking forward to Christmas, but not what comes after it. It seems I'm paying the lion's share of the way again- I'm not sure if I am or not, but I can see myself running out of money real fast. The 500 quid per annum covenant my aunt supposedly set up for me hasn't shown up, and though I'd like to remind her of it (it'd get me out of the rut I'm in at the moment, at least enough to eat after Christmas), she's just had a new son so I'd feel a little awkward. And the bills keep rolling in.
Oh well, fuck it all. I'm going to enjoy my Christmas. I'll deal with the rest when the tree comes down.
Song for the day: Free, by VAST, or Bleed, by Tapping The Vein.


16-11-2K, 0243 GMT
Just a quick entry tonight- I just feel I should make this one while I can.
First of all, happy birthday to Michael in case he reads this- stranger things have happened. Now onto the opening-of-wrists.
It's a sort of calm before the storm at the mo. Next week sees a barrage of RockSoc events- I can't afford them, but I'll probably still go to both bashes just to get out and prove to myself I'm still alive. They say goths spontaneously implode at 21, and I'm beginning to feel like it'd be welcome. Can you have a crisis of faith if you don't have any to start with? That's what it feels like. It's as if I've forgotten or lost whatever purpose I had and now I'm just going through the motions. The bad juju is still a stormcloud hanging over the house, one that presses on me worse every day, even more so because I don't know why or what it is. Apparently Alun found an article a couple of weeks ago online in one of the local papers' archives mentioning a triple murder in this house about a decade ago, and I remember this place really freaked Sonia (Giles's lass, for the uninitiated) out, and she's supposed to be highly sensitive to occult stuff. Sorry, over-long sentence there. But maybe that's it. Or maybe it's just that we're all stone-broke and the bills just keep on rolling in. Maybe it's Jack's possible departure (he might be out before Christmas). Maybe it's just me thinking about the bits of my past I hate and feeling alone without all those faces I still remember. Sometimes I can remember the faces of those I've known, worked with, even called friends, and I can't put a name to them. Have they forgotten me? Or am I just a face in the background, wearing black, shuffling tarot cards while sitting under the cloud of a bad rep?
I don't hate myself. At least, I don't hate myself now. I hate what I used to be before I found somewhere where I could fit in, what I still could be if I don't keep a check on myself. Old habits die hard, some harder than others. It's funny that I find myself both at home and alone here, whilst in Holland I felt (or feel, I'll have to take notes over Christmas) as if I was somewhere I could be happy if only I was truly there instead of behind a window looking out. I think I've purposefully isolated myself from everyone in the vain hope that if I can come to terms with myself I might be able to come to terms with them as well. I think the Magpie poem on the Cryptic Writings page is especially apt to my current frame of mind. I feel as if I can't follow that path I'd like to, so I'm refusing to follow one at all, despite whatever options may be out there. How can I be alone in a crowd of friends? Monday will most probably show me in an object lesson. I can't win at all- none of us seem to be able to. Just breaking even would be nice. I may as well roll the dice again.
Some short entry, huh?
Songs of the day (a triptych this time): Target Audience, Coma Black & Count To Six And Die, all by Marilyn Manson (sell your souls and buy Holy Wood, heathens, it's the best album I've bought so far this year).

13-11-2K, 0149 GMT
Well, twenty's like nineteen, but more hassle. Following three birthday events (can't really call them parties; they're more food and drink binges at my age), I'm somewhat more settled down and now trying desparately to overcome writer's block so I can do the essays I've got due this Friday.
I've had a few good rock nights recently now that I seem to have become more active as a member of the RockSoc committee. It's now an unspoken decision that I'll probably end up as chair for the next year, which I'm not sure whether I look forward to or not- I never seem to hear about any events, so I may be the most boring chief we've ever had...
Talking of the rock nights, we had one last night at Leicester Uni which was cracking other than the drinks prices, which were horrific. I mean, they were more expensive than the pubs and clubs in Loughborough town! And the quality wasn't all that great (on the drink- the music and atmosphere once things got on a roll were stunning). We'll probably send them a complaint just to keep up our vocality.
Since Giles has left we're beginning to save money. Our 'phone bill this month is less than a quarter of the previous one, so we should be able to afford a few new TV channels (Sci-fi, Cartoon Network, FilmFour). We're all fairly broke however, so we're down to one semi-light meal a day.
The past couple of weeks seem to have had some really bad juju in them. I can't put my finger on what's causing it, but stress levels seem to be up across the board. We're all a little catty in the house at the mo, and despite having a brilliant module selection and enjoying some of the work (a first), I keep thinking that the only reasons I am still here are the promise of a BA at the end of it all and RockSoc. I'm not even sure what I want to do anymore. Journalism used to be the prime appeal, but my interests in that have waned. Teaching- well, do I really want to spend my days being hated by precocious, self-righteous townie-spawn? It looks very much like a second degree or a job that has no relation to my course. I can even see myself moving back to Holland in time- sure, the rock scene's nowhere near as good (come on, it's just Dynamo Open Air once a year), but I just reckon I'd be happier there.
*sigh*.
Jack's even thinking about moving out come Christmas, assuming he can find someone to take his room. Now that he's not at Uni, he feels he's not got any reason to be up here, and is looking to go home then head for London. I see the sense in it but we'll all be sad to see him go. I hate losing friends to the ether of the world, but God knows, I should be used to it by now. I mean, I'm only in reciprocated contact with- what? Two people from my days at the ISH, and one of them's Kevin (no offence, Kev- but I count you as a friend first and as a friend from the ISH second). Michael, Cath, Andrea, Lil, James, Javor, Hans, Fernando, Greg, Javier, all those other people with whom I raised a glass and said I'd never lose touch… we've all gone our separate ways, it seems. And I don't like it at all. There's no need for it, and I don't want to lose touch with any more friends. My list of people for Christmas cards outside of family is woefully small, and I can see more faces from this neck of the woods drifting away within the next six to eight months. I've been alone before, and much as I may embody the loner Goth image, it's not something I want to be.
Well, a look to the future. It's Kerry's birthday do tomorrow in Nottingham which I reckon I'm probably going to out of duty as much as anything else. I like Kerry (hell, I like all of the committee and most of the other people in RockSoc- they're all beautiful people if they'll pardon the in-joke), but I can't help but think that a) using RockSoc money to do Monday isn't the best idea, I know we've invited any members who want to come along, but I still have some sort of subliminal problem with it, and b) the bad juju's still there.
Anyways, on top of that the following week is one of our famed RockSoc discos, so any rockers who happen to drift this way make sure you turn up- it'll be a good night even if I have to sell my soul to make sure of it.
Smile, guys- tomorrow will be worse...
Song of the day: Here, by VAST


9-10-2K, 0100 BST
*gasp*.
It's been a long four-and-a-half months of doing bugger-all. I reckon we're finally on our feet and ready to do battle once again with the evil and insidious forces of higher education. Grerrm and Tycho are retaking their first years after ballsing them up last year and I'm on my second, which brings with it a Creative Writing section- time to put my money where my mouth is.
I suppose I should fill in some of the gaps of the summer. Well, we moved in on time and on target (many thanks to my mother for coming over from Holland to shift all our stuff out of halls- we all owe her drinks), only to find the previous occupants had forgotten to leave. To their credit, they made it out in record time and made a decent job of cleaning up to boot. Since then I've spent my time commuting between my 'puter and the kitchen.
At last I have access to TV again- only to find that in about twenty channels there's still more often than not nothing on. We've taken advantage of all the blurb NTL threw at us and now have telephone, TV and completely free internet (it's great: no call charges, no connection fee, no extra monthly flat rate- just a clear conduit to all the free email accounts we can handle...), so I can now check my mail again. Unfortunately it's only rigged to Tycho's machine at the moment, so we have to hot-seat. And we still end up surfing at 3am.
Talking of computers (as I frequently do), I've upgraded mine (read: replaced; only the hard drive and PCI cards got carried over), so I can now play games with the others on a realistic basis- I only get threshed two times out of three. And I can buy new games again (Joy! Overdraft!).
We had Giles with us up until the beginning of October, who managed to annoy the hell out of all of us as well as make a shedload of mess everywhere. And he still owes us money for the 'phone bill...
Other than that little lot, not that much happened. I went home to Holland for a week, wherein I managed to spend double what I intended on books and other interesting nicknacks (like a blowpipe). I managed to write a few poems and uncover some of the ones I wrote back while doing the IB, which you can find in the Cryptic Writings section scattered amongst the old faves. Oh, and I even did some new graphics which I might put up in this upload.
That's it, I suppose. Hi to all who I've missed- I'll try to get back in touch soon, but with this harsh timetable I don't know when I'll get chance (six hours a week... I don't know if I can cope...). And will somebody tell me if the University of East Anglia has a Rock Society (and if they have an email)?
Keep the faith.
Song of the day: Road Trippin', by the Red Hot Chilli Peppers


21-5-2K, 1756 BST
After what seems like an age I've finally got around to overhauling my website. It's been one of those months- filled with niceties and juicy goodness mixed with a hefty tablespoon or two of depression, death and other assorted angst. 'bout normal, then.
I can't believe the term- and with it my first year here at Uni- is almost over. It's under five weeks until Tycho, Grerrm, JJ and I move into our new abode and crank up the volume. It'll be a shock- no hyper-fast web downloads, no constant email check, and worst of all being expected to pull some of my meagre weight. But chances are it'll be a laugh. It's almost a year since we all met and we can still remember what we were drinking at the time. Time most certainly does fly when you're having fun.
Until then I'm trying to get as much done to this site as I can while I've still got the connection. When we move in, until we can sort out a connection we'll be offline. As I said, it'll be a shock. So for now, people, I'll sign off and get on with being creative- something I'll hopefully be able to keep up a bit more.
And a note for all the rockers reading this: May 29th. The Junction in Lufbra SU. 8pm till 2am (at least). The last RockSoc barney of the year. All gladly received (RockSoc members get an entry cost reduction). Loads to drink. New CD collection possibly being played for first time. Be there or I'll hit you with a big stick. Repeatedly.
Song of the day: Wickerman, by Iron Maiden.


28-4-2K, 0119 BST
I've wondered for a while where I'd like to be, where I see my ideal place. What would I call heaven? I'd like to live somewhere where delivered pizzas were cheap and where you didn't have to saw the box in half to get it in your bin. Somewhere where operating systems had no bugs and the internet ran smoothly on multiple T3 lines to everyone. Somewhere where the weather was always bright and warm but not too hot, with a gentle breeze laden with sweet scents and the only rain came when you were indoors and weren't going outside for at least six hours. Somewhere where there were no time-zones so whenever I tried chatting to someone I didn't have to glance at my clock and dive into my maths diploma to work out which one of us was OD'ing on caffeine. Somewhere where you could download books and music free and easy off the internet. Somewhere where people did things solely for pleasure and a sense of achievement rather than avarice and lust. Somewhere where people could live the lives they wanted to live and everyone got along without the need for rules and arbitration. Somewhere a damned sight less selfish and hypocritical than where I am now.
Such a place exists.
But if I have to wear a straitjacket, bash my head against a wall constantly and drool a lot to get there, I think I'll probably stay in this shithole a little while longer.


31-3-2K, 0025 BST
Summer's here. At least, that's what it says on the clocks. Personally, the only difference I've seen is it's rained every day this week.
Yep, summer's here.
I've gotta be in a seminar in eight and a half hours. I've got a thousand word essay to write before that, as well as producing the material about which it's gonna be. I've already done two essays of equal size today. I'm on caffeine supplements and toasties IV'd. And here I am updating my website.
The last essay shouldn't be that hard. It's just convincing myself to do it that's the problem. I just want it to be over and done with so's I can sleep and then get back onto the email circuit. Maybe get some net-gaming in. You can tell I'm tired, I'm typing the way I speak.
To cap it all, I think I lost two years' worth of poetry in moving to England. To be honest, I think it's probably for the best, as some of it reminds me far too much of things best left buried in concrete. Considering I've never been very good at stereotypes, I make a pretty good Goth if I put my mind to it. And that scares me.
At least I've still got Bryce and my wallpapering skills. But I should have been a chef. Chefs only have to write recipes. They don't have to argue them from a marxist point of view.
Anyway, I suppose I should get on and do the essay.
Song of the day: No Leaf Clover, by Metallica.


24-3-2K, 2203 GMT
Just one of those days. I'm sick and tired of essay writing. First up, I don't get much of a choice to strike out in my own direction. Secondly, what freedom I do have is under the control of a thirty-page style guide that basically teaches me the way they want me to think. I got enough of this at IB level, now I want to head off in my own directions, WRITE WHAT I THINK. That's half the reason this page went up. All I can think about at the moment is moving into our own house in the summer, getting out of this box and into somewhere really mine where I can put my posters where I want. I want to get a bigger monitor so I can start making some truly huge wallpapers. I want to get onto a module where free-thinking is congratulated and where the set texts bear some relation to the modern world rather than nineteenth century protomarxist feminism. Quite simply, I WANT SOME LICENSE TO BE CREATIVE AGAIN. As I said, I'm sick and tired of lit crit, it's all I seem to have done for five years. I find myself overloading on responsibilities elsewhere just to break the monotony. I really wish I could have done Inf Tech at IB and gone into something engrossing like cybernetics or AI studies, or been better at drawing and painting so I could have done an art course and got taught graphic design and 3D modeling.
But we can't all have what we wish for, we don't always get what we want. Otherwise the world would be full of fighter pilots and ballerinas.
Song of the day: What If, by Creed.


19-3-2K, 2014 GMT
Urgh. Finally finished overhauling the site. I've posted a few images, a few scribbles of text, mucked around with the graphics- the usual stuff. And I hope it all works. I have yet to add some photos (on account of not having any), but this will probably change as of tomorrow night.
I've started reading The Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy again, and once again I'm drawn to the question of what literature actually is. I mean, by current definition, science fiction and fantasy don't actually count as literature. This means things like Arthur C. Clarke's 2001 series, the collected works of Isaac Asimov and Tolkien's Lord Of The Rings (by that I include The Hobbit and The Silmarillion) are not literature. I THINK THIS IS WRONG. IT IS A BAD THING. The definition of literature should not be arbitrarily decided on genre and topic. It should go on quality of the writing, insight of the author, and the ability of the text to strike a nerve within the reader. And it should enlighten, enhearten and educate the reader (my 'Three E's'). OK, Hitch-Hikers ain't lit. Never will be, either; it's just a bit of fun. But if other, more ground-breaking works are to be passed over because of it, I think it's time to shoot some ageing professors.
Song of the day: Another Rainy Night, by Queensryche.


17-3-2K, 1045 GMT
Well, it has to be said that it’s been a hectic week. This page went up just before the start of it, and I’ve finally got around to mucking around with it again. I’ve decided to put up a Journal page on which I can write basically anything I feel like at the time. So be prepared to find news of the misnomer that is my life, rants on whatever gets my goat (nice satanic image for you there) at the time, views on what I’m reading or listening to, recollections of nights out...
I’m working on putting some of my shorter and less heart-wrenching pieces of writing up about the same time as this, so with any luck there should be a menu on the homepage. I’m also editing some of my wallpapers so they don’t eat my storage space. And all of this should be ready for your delectation right about… (throws big switch on wall) NOW.