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She continued to give me the blank uncomprehending look.  Perhaps I wasn't making myself clear.  Maybe my far from local accent was obscuring the meaning.  It couldn't be that what I was asking was such an alien concept that I deserved to be looked at like I just landed.  I looked at her, sized her up I supose though that is reading too much into it.  She was in her late thirties, early fourties.  Her short bobbed hair was a consistant auburn, out of a bottle?  I wasn't sure.  Her thin lipped misery seemed unmovable.  Her eyes were dull green, uninteresting, uninterested.  I started over.  They had a patient, a road accident victim, a Mr Hanabusa, Hanabusa Junpei.  She looked at her screen and corrected me "Mr Junpei Hanabusa".  No I said, Japanese names don't work like like that but that isn't realy important, I sighed.  I told her about the accident, how it was me who had hit him and that I was very worried about him, worried about him being alone here with no one to care about him.  I explained that I understood they might not let me see him but I wanted to know how he was at least.  If there was just someone I could talk to, a doctor, someone.  I pleaded my case.  The light from the window reflected in her eyes for an instant, they lit pure emerald before returning to the dull lifeless green.  I just wanted to know he would OK.  It was her turn to sigh.  She looked around.  "Just take a seat over there and I will see if someone will talk to you, Im not promising but I'll ask for you."  I thanked her, I told her she was a star, I told her she had renewed my faith in the human soul.  She told me to shut up and sit down but I think I caught the ficker of a smile.

The reception area was far from crowded.  It wasn't casualty, no bleeding head wounds, no screaming children just old women coming in for what ever old women came into out patient departments for, I didn't realy want to give it much thought.  A family hung around by the doors, the father standing outside while his wife and daughter were inside looking out at the cold grey day.  I waited.  Other people came to reception but they must have been lost or had more legitimate reasons for being in the hospital than I had because none stayed.  No one joined me on the limited seating in the waiting area.  Someone in a white lab coat stooped to have covert conversation with the receptionist and I quickened in anticipation.  Neither of them looked my direction though and the doctor, or whoever he was, could have been a porter for all I know, left.  Wondered where he was.  Where do they keep comatose patients, ICU is it?  Intensive Care?  From what Andrew had told me about his conversation with the police I suppose he must be there.  There was a sign for Intensive Care the other side of the reception desk but with about 10 others it pointed straght back into the hospital proper.  I looked around, as if I could sense it, smell it out.  It might not even be on the same floor.  What would he look like now?  I had little experience of real hospitals.  I had been kept in over night as a child but I hardly thought a children's ward would be suitable preperation for seeing someone in a coma, hooked up to machines that performed all the functions he was now incapable of.  They didn't make you alive, they just kept you from dying.  Would they beep?  Would they hiss and gurgle?  Topocatapocatapocata?  Didn't Jimie Savil come and speak to you if you were in a coma?  They can hear every word, is that true?  Perhaps he could but he wouldn't understand any of them.  To my shame I couldn't think of a single Japanese celebrity.  Who would come and talk to Junpei?  I wanted to, I wanted it to be me.  I wanted to go and talk to him and on hearing the voice of his asailant he would be so angry he would leap up off the bed and try and strangle me.  He would be alive, animate again.  But that was silly, I couldn't speak Japanese and he had never heard my voice, how would he know it was me that did it?  Anyway I was sure that they didn't do that kind of thing for accident victims who had been unconscious for a week and they were not about to let me see him.  I doubted they would tell me anything either, not family you see, you have to be family or you don't have a hope.  I looked again at the signs, little cardboard arrows pulling people into the building.  I bet there is more of them at the next intersection, some going one way, some leading on.  I could just follow them in, reducing in number through the hospital until I got to the ICU.  I couldn't do that.  There must be something to stop me.  They might think I wanted to finish the job, have me arrested.  Good grief that was more stupid than the idea that I could wake him up.  I could go and have a peek though, lots of people just walked straight in like they knew where they were going.  That was the theory of going into municiple buildings you didn't belong in, look like you belong.  Just walk like you know where you are going and you have pressing serious reasons for being there.  I could do that.  I would just look in, see if I could see him.  I stood up.

"Mr Baillie?" I started. "Lachlan Bailie?" I hadn't been watching reception, I had been gazing absently at the signs.  I coloured with guilt.  "I believe you wanted a word." he said.  I regreted coming now.  I felt suddenly that I had no right to have anything to do with Junpei, anything more to do with him, anything more than running him down in the street.  This Doctor was doing his best to put back together what I had managed to break.  I looked at him.  I couldn't see any trace of disaproval, no judgement in his eyes.  "I did it" I said.  "I did it, it was me".  
He looked around "Mr Baillie, why don't you come with me?"
He shot a look at the receptionist I had talked to earlier and let me into a small office behind reception.
"Sit down Mr Baillie" he pointed to a leatherette armchair.
I declined.  The room smelled smelled of many nervous cigarettes, it was faded and grubby, the furniture cracked, the blinds yellowing.
"You're not related to.."He looked at a small folder he held in his hand "Mr Hanabusa?"
I shook my head.
"No.  But you where involved in the accident?" he asked.
"Yes, it was my fault"
"That's not realy my business Mr Baillie.  You realise I can't tell you anything that might be considered confidential don't you?"
"I know" I told him, I felt wretchid "I want...I want him to be OK, I want to know your going to make him better" my voice sounded small, like a child's.
"I understand that Mr Baillie, that's what we do here.  We make people better.  In Mr Hanabusa's case though.."  he looked at the still closed file again as if the prognosis was written on the outside, perhaps it was.  Perhaps it said hopeless in big red letters, perhaps there was some kind of code there, one dot for complete recovery, two for long term disablity, three for persistant vegitative state.
"I don't want him to be alone"  This wasn't coming out sounding as well as it had in my head, it didn't make even as much sense as the way I had put it to the receptionist.
"He wont be alone Mr Baillie, the police have managed to contact his family.  I believe his brother is coming over.  He isn't alone." He said, emphasising each point as if to drive it home to me.  I felt even less grown up.  "Why don't you go home Mr Baillie?  I strongly suggest that you are not alone either, find a friend to talk to.  Do you have family at home?"
"I'm not at..no..I have a friend.  Couldn't I see..."
"No" he interupted me "No that wouldn't be a good idea."  He opened the file for the first time and took out a piece of paper with some names on it.  "let me take your number,  he's stable now.  If there is anything you should know we can give you a call."
I told him the number at Andrew's.  I didn't expect him to call me, what could there be by his rules that I should know?  I felt defeated but in a way relieved.  I had made the effort, I had tried.  No one could say I hadn't tried to get involved, I was'nt just leaving him here to rot, I had come here, asked to see him, I had pushed the walls of officialdom even if it was only a little.  He was looking at me, as if he expected something.  I looked around the room again.  On the table were some leaflets, I couldn't read the titles but I assumed they were about grief and loss, possibly counceling.  I knew what this room was for.  I wondered if he were waiting for me to cry, had lapsed into a programed behaiviour pattern.  He had delivered me the message he had and now he was to stand here in silence and wait till I cried or didn't.  I looked him in the eye and felt something inside me go hard.  I didn't like this man, this Doctor.  Sure he was doing his job but he was doing it by wrote.  I turned to leave.
"Good bye Mr Baillie" he said with no intonation.
"Yes, yes goodbye" I replied without turning.

Outside the lights were on.  It wasn't dark yet but the yellow monochrome streetlamps shone, blocking out the sky, aging the world with mock sepia.  The wind had a bite to it, snow?  Rain?  My face stung.  I turned and looked back up the face of the hospital building, here and there lights shone from the windows there too.  He had a brother then, family.  No one here in this country but family who were willing to come half way round the world for him.  Family who loved him.  I was glad.  The cars hissed wetly on the road as I went back to the van.  I was tempted to stay here, just set the van up in the car park, camp out on the doorstep until I could gain entry.  I got in, I had told Andrew I would come back to his, he had no transport without my van and I already owed him enough without letting him down now.  It was a long drive back, what had been a wet wind turned into driving rain by the time I was half way down the loch.  It streaked towards me obscuring everything but the small patch of road directly in front of the van, acasionaly it would buffet me, sometimes slowing the van to a crawl as it pushed back against me, sometimes rocking me alarmingly.  As I parked up in Andrew's yard the wind was moaning round the buildings, it cut right through my light jacket and I was soaking in seconds.  I slammed the door hard agains the night and relaxed into the warmth of the boathouse.  Andrew came through from the other room and offered to make me a cup of tea.

I managed to resist going back to the hospital the next morning.  We drive into Oban and I bought some food for both of us.  We worked at getting some of the plaster board up on the skelital rooms.  I held the boards while Andrew nailed them to the joists.  He tried to teach me how to mix the plaster for the skim and make it stick to the wall.  I felt cack handed and clumbsy but but the end of the day I did feel I had learned something.  We worked hard, it was distracting but not distracting enough.  Had Junpei's brother arrived?  Was he still stable?  What was happening to him while I was down here playing builders?  I had to go back, back to the hospital.  Even if they wouldn't let me see him I could be there, they might give me some idea how he was doing, perhaps I could overhear something, maybe I could sneak in.  I didn't know what I could do but I knew I couldn't just stay here pretending I had nothing to do with that boy in the hospital.

I set out again for Fort William in the morning, it seemed like a long haul.  I wondered if people comuted this road, drove all this way before working all day, drove it all the way home at night.  I had never further away than I could resonably walk.  It was an odd concept to me to have to go all this way to your job.  I didn't go straight into the hospital when I got there. I sat in the carpark with the radio on watching the large grey building.  It didn't seem particularly busy.  Some people came and went, there were other cars in the car park but it didn't seem quite busy enough for a hospital.  I must have sat there for a couple of hours, the radio spouting some drivel.  I felt hungry.  I left my van there and walked down into town.  The mainstreet was busy, people living their everyday lives, the odd person who stood out as a tourist.  I found a bakery and got myself a hot pie and a buttered roll, sqashing them together, letting the juices mingle with the bread, the heat of the pie melt the butter.  My body craved the fat.  I ate the whole thing in three bites, I never knew I was so hungry.  I hadn't eaten a proper meal for days.  All the food in the van, all the food I had left at Andrew's and all I had managed was some dry toast and a bowl of noodles, that and the coffee.  I had to start looking after myself again otherwise I would end up being ill.  I considered getting another pie and roll but thought better of it.  That way lay indigestion.  I would leave it a while and try and have a proper tea tonight.  I felt better just for the thought.

I walked back up towards the hospital, toward Junpei.  My mood began to sink.  I decided I would jsut ask after him, find out how he was and then leave.  It would be OK, I tried to believe that, to reasure myself of his good prospects but without anything to go on I didn't find myself particularly convincing.  I knew what to say, planned it in my mind as walked through the double doors and stolled over to reception giving a convincing impression of knowing where I was going and what I was doing.  I looked down at the receptionist.  It was a diferent woman. "I am..er.." the words wouldn't come "I was here yesterday, I don't mean yesterday I mean the day before and there was a Doctor... Doctor" I stoped again, I didn't even know the name of the Doctor who had spoken to me.  I pictured him in my mind "He was..." she looked at me with no begining of comprehension, she wasn't going to help.  I doubted that she cared.  "I'm sorry" I said "I'll wait" I turned to go.

I nearly knocked the person behind me over. "Oh sorry" I said.  The woman behind me was beautiful.  Thats easy to say I supose but it was true, she was stunning.  I couldn't break my gaze, I just stared at her feeling that I never seen anyone before.  She nodded her head slightly, a ripple ran through her almost jet black hair, and looked down for an instant before bring her eyes back up to meet mine.  She said something but I missed it.  The smooth clean line of her nose wrinkled slightly suggesting a smile, her mouth remained set and dertimined though.  I appologised again and backed away along the desk, I still couldn't bring myself to stop looking at her.  She held eye contact for a moment then stepped forward into the space I had left in front of the receptionist.  I had forgotten what I was supposed to be doing, again I realised as it came back to me.  I turned towards the seats facing the desk.  The dark haired girld seemed to be looking for someone.  She spoke with a foreign accent, something asian, Japanese?  It was a bit much to be a coincidence.  I walked away but did my best to listen to what was being said.  They definately mentioned Hanabusa.  Who was she then?  I sat down.  Was she something to do with Junpei's brother?  Was she someone official?  I looked over at her, she seemed to be wearing what might be considered a suit, matching jacket and skirt in a brown rough textured fabric, calf length boots.  Would the Japanese embassy send someone?  Should I talk to her?  The conversation she was having with the receptionist was just audible.  I couldn't hear it clearly but could make out the gist.  The receptionist pointed to the signs and she walked off into the unseen corridors of the hospital.  I felt deflated.  I went and sat in one of the seats again, prepared to wait for her.  When she came back I would tell her, ask her about Junpei.

I waited.  I hated waiting.  It wasn't significantly diferent from just sitting but there was an extra dimension.  The expectation of something happening, worse that I had no way to judge when or even if it would happen.  I hoped the Doctor I had talked to before would show up, I wouldn't have to explain the whole thing over to him.  I was sure he would let me know how Junpei was, what was happening.  I looked about.  There didn't seem to be an excess of doctors coming through reception.  Sometimes a nurse or an orderly, I couldn't realy tell the diference, did nurses wear green and orderly's wear white?  was it even that deliminated?, would accompany a patient to the front door.  Most of the traffic though seemed to be members of the public.  Then I noticed that some of the people entereing and leaving would say hello to the girl behind reception.  Did that mean they worked here or was it that they were just here so often that she knew their faces, I couldn't tell but I started looking at their faces more intently.  At some point there must have been a shift change.  I looked up expecting to see the same girl and instead there was a man in a blue uniform style shirt.  How did I miss that?  I thought I was watching the comings and goings.  He looked at me, held my gaze.  I felt uncomfortable.  I looked round, it was getting dark again.  When I looked back the security gaurd was still looking right at me, I couldn't meet his eyes.  I looked at the table in front of me.  I had read all the leaflets about giving up smoking, premature incontinence and examining your own testicals that I could possibly bear but I was confident that if I looked up he would still be staring at me.  I picked up a leaflet at random and held it in front of me.  I moved it round slightly so that I could see the guy at reception out of the corner of my eye.  He was grinning at me now.  My eyes focused on what I was pretending to read.  Breast Cancer and You.

As I left through the sliding doors I wondered what happened to the woman from the embassy.  It was getting dark, she must have been in there for hours.  Was there a back enterance?  Had she walked right past without me seeing?  I doubted it.  I wanted to talk to her.  I had no idea what was happening to him now.  I walked accross the nearly empty car park.  I wasn't going back to Andrew's tonight, I had told him I would find somewhere to park up.  I could go back to the hospital tomorrow, perhaps the Doctor would be there, I could ask him what was happening.  I drove out the road towards Glenfinnan, over the canal and past the paper mill.  It was to dark to see the waters of the loch or indeed anything else.  I wasn't sure what I was looking for, if it was anything like the roads I drove up here on there would be nothing but No Overnight Parking signs and blocked up laybyes.  This was stupid.  A couple of miles out past the last of the houses I passed a large gravel area just off the road with a single artic' parked in it.  I turned round and head back to it.  I assumed that this is where trucks overnighted before heading on towards Sky or turning back to head south.  I pulled in and parked as far from the road as I could get on the rutted gravel.  I killed the lights and the engine and climbed out, shutting the door left me in almost total darkness.  It was a still damp night, the only sound I could hear was the gentle lapping of the water at the loch shore.  I could see the lights back towards Fort William and accross the lock a single white light.  Perhaps a boat, more likely a house.  In the distance I heard the sound of an approaching car, I felt suddenly vunerable out here, I climbed into the back of the van and turned on the light, drawing the curtains against the night.  The living area was considerably tidier than when I had origionaly packed it.  The influence of Andrew, the packing of Andrew to be honest.  I looked in the cupboard and dug out some of the tins.  Corned beef, tomatoes, I checked the onions for softness and found them to be acceptable, the potatoes were in not bad condition either.  I found that the easiest way to work at the cooker was to kneel down and reach up rather than stand up and stoop.  With the lid of the cooker raised there was very little useable workspace so I lifted the seat and found the table leg.  With the table set up I had very little room to move around but I put up with it.  The only alternative was to open the door and for some reason the thought of having the door open on all that darkness frightened me.  I dumped the result of my cooking endeavors on a plate, it looked horrible but it didn't taste bad.  Once I had finished I realised the only water I had was a two liter bottle of evian.  I wiped the one plate and one pan out with some kitchen paper and put them in a carrier bag to wash later.  I would have to find somewhere to get some water.  I used the mineral water to make a cup of tea, it was starting to get distinctly foggy in the van.  While I waited for the water to boil I took a deep breath and opened the door.  The night seemed to flood in, it was cold but not unpleasent.  I sat in the doorway and looked at the light accross the loch.  The was a slight reflection on the water, pointing it's way back towards be like an accusing finger.  I would be having so much fun by now if I hadn't gone and fucked up so badly.  I had made a serious mess and I doubted if there was anyone who could sort it for me.  This time I would have to pick up my own mess.  If I just stuck close perhaps something would come up, maybe I would see my way clear to a solution.  I hoped so.  I would have prayed, offered childish bargains with someone unseen, oh please if you sort this out I will never...I couldn't think of anything I could exchange for a favour this big.  Shit.  Just me then, me and the NHS.  God help us both.  I sniggered and the finger disapeared, gone to bed I thought.  I should do the same.  I climbed back inside and and started rearanging the space for sleeping.

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