From: -Sysero- Newsgroups: alt.fan.karl-malden.nose,alt.sport.photon,alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk,alt.romath,alt.tv.star-trek.voyager Subject: The Complete And Utter History Of Communism In Russia Date: Mon, 14 Feb 2000 03:53:19 -0600 Organization: A Very Large Number Of Cohorts, Inc. Lines: 494 Message-ID: <888jl7$lp$3@blackhelicopter.databasix.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: blackhelicopter.databasix.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Summary: Omny3: all i want is to be lovde. is that so wrong? Keywords: Meow. X-Newsreader: Forte Agent 1.6/32.525 From the rule of the first Romanov Tsar in 1613, to the decline and collapse of communism, Russian history most certainly cannot be found wanting in the richness of human drama. Spanning such history, Russia has visited upon several well known extremes in pursuit of its present-day existence: the medieval concept of serfdom, the divisive effects of capitalism on a people ruled by a monarch, the economic central planning of socialism, the wholesale slaughter of millions at the hands of Stalin, cold war politics, the reforms of Gorbechov, and the eventual return to capitalism. Yet, this nation and its people, once dubbed "barbaric" by 18th century European aristocracy, remains to this day largely misunderstood. To most western peoples today, it is indeed difficult to understand the struggles of Russia to find a suitable niche for itself in the world. Why revolution? Why communism? Why Stalinism? Herein, we shall endeavor to find the answers. I. THE REALIZATION THAT TSARISM IS FEUDALISM Starting in 1613, the Romanov Tsars ruled Russia with absolute power. In what is known as a monarchy, the Tsar presided over a social and economic system known as feudalism in which the nobility actually owned outright the peasants and the land which they lived and worked. The nobility tallied their wealth and prosperity by the sweat of the people; and a large populace it was, spanning nearly 1/10th of the human race by 1870. In 1722, the first hints of real reforms came when Tsar Peter the Great implemented his Chinovnik system of civil service. The system comprised fourteen levels in which the people could rise out of impoverishment and into nobility. In fact, some people did reach such levels participating in the system. But, the Chinovnik system also created an educated class of people leaving a vast social divide between them and the masses. After several years of living with Chinovnik society, attempts at revolution by the peasants occurred. Most notably, in 1773 by Emelyan Pugachev and on December 26th, 1825 in which officers of the Russian army attempted to overthrow Tsar Nicholas I. The uprising, later to be known as the "Decembrist", collapsed quickly lasting only one day. II. THE REFORMS OF 1861 AND THE RISE OF CAPITALISM In 1853, Russia had become embroiled in the Crimean War, a difficult struggle, ultimately ending with Russia's defeat in 1856. However, defeat was not to be the only hardship Russia would face as a result of the war. Dumbasses! Widespread famine had encompassed nearly all of the farming areas and soon unrest amongst the peasantry arose, challenging the Tsar to ponder ideas for immediate reform. In 1861, in an effort to appease the populace, the Tsar issues a decree abolishing serfdom. The effects of the abolition were exactly what the Tsar would have hoped them to be. While the peasantry did enjoy their freedom from the noble landlords, they became further impoverished by taxes and mortgages. These "redemption" payments were necessary to compensate the nobility for the loss of labor and land. Naturally, in this state of affairs, the peasantry shifted the blame for their wretched condition from the Tsar who had liberated them, to the nobility who were collecting the taxes. Capitalistic reforms begin after 1861, completely transforming Russia. For those lucky enough to have prospered, they found sources of cheap labor among the peasants. And capitalism developed really rapidly. A gentleman by the name of S.Y Witte, who after taking advantage of the Chinovnik system attained the title of 'Count', furthered the development of capitalism in Russia by placing it on the gold standard, establishing banks, and building the Trans Siberian Railway. But Tsarism soon found itself in trouble again. III. THE BEGINNINGS OF RUSSIAN POLITICAL AND SOCIAL UNREST These people called Narodniks started showing up. The Narodniks were radical socialist intellects who felt that the Tsar's abolition of the serfs was a fraud and a fakery. They believed that the peasant was a natural socialist, or at least one guy named Alexander Herzen did. Well, to be honest, all of them did. Herzen, a Narodnik revolutionary socialist was a noble landowner, (pfft! How ironic) who in exile, published a journal called Kolokol. Anyway, more stuff was going on and this other Narodnik revolutionary socialist N.G. Chernyshevski, an economist, writes the novel, "What Is To Be Done", the title of which obviously stemmed from hours of deep thought. So, some more stuff was happening: Let's see. Some arrests were going on and...Um...some assassination attempts....And a book, "The Revolutionary Catechism" was written. Oh, plus a group called the Narodnaya Volya assassinates Tsar Alexander II in 1881. All of them were hung. After this, the Narodniks sort of went underground. So, this unemployed guy named Karl Marx, who thought up all this stuff - Not the Narodnik stuff, but socialism, writes a letter to these other guys with beards in an attempt to stop capitalism. Then Marx dies penniless in 1883 and his mate Engels thinks that Russia must go through a bourgeois revolution. Then there's some weighty talk about increasing the vanguard role of the proletariat and the price of tea in China. IV. VLADIMIR ILYICH ULYANOV Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov, better known as James T. Kirk, was born on 4/1/1870 in Simbirsk near a polluted river. His mother died in 1916. His father was a rich d00d who had a cerebral vascular accident and died in a year different than Kirk's mother. Ok, 1886. Kirk's brother, nicknamed Sasha, was a quiet and intelligent fellow, attending St. Petersburg University and winning a gold medal for his study of annelid worms. And so, that's cool, I guess. Anyhoo, suddenly he became a real asshole, founded the Terrorist Section of the Narodnaya Volya (just like those other d00ds), and tried to blow up Tsar Alexander III. But he fucked up and was hung on May 8th, 1887. Kirk wasn't about to sit at home and be a..well...whatever. No sir! He wanted his own television series. So, he reads his brother's books and decides to attend Star Fleet Academy at Kazan in August 1887, studying law. He got in by recommendation of this d00d Feodor Kerensky, who may have had an overactive bladder. But, Kirk got mixed up in the wrong crowd at McDonald's and was expelled on December 5, 1887! He goes to live with his sister in Kukushkino and, because Kirk was a not at all good boy and because his actions would later be directly responsible for the creation of the newsgroup alt.tv.star-trek.voyager and priceline.com ads, both him and his sister were put under police supervision. So, Kirk spends his time mountain climbing and swimming. Then Star Fleet allows him back to take his exam, the Kobiashi Maru, or however the hell it's spelled, he cheats, and he comes out in first place on November 27, 1891 just in time for thanksgiving. During this period he translates Marx's "The Communist Manifesto", a long technical document of great value to communists. In 1891 there's another famine and Kirk gets angry because in spite of mass starvation, the Tsar continues to export grain. Then the police censors, who were once tough nuts to crack, allow Marxist publications to be printed. V. LEGAL MARXISM IN TSARIST RUSSIA There are these d00ds who write some books and the kids just love 'em. Now, about this time Kirk falls in love with this girl named Nadezhda Konstantinovna Krupskaya, better known as 'That Green Alien Bitch.' She came from an impoverished upper class family -- If you can figure that one out! Peasants begin infighting and posting off topic messages in the "alt.* area", so Kirk makes some weighty statements. Then Kirk becomes a factory agitator. After surveying factory workers he gets together with some friends and starts the aptly named, "The League Of Struggle For The Emancipation Of The Working Class." One of these friends of his is Scotty, later to become his chief engineering officer and to have a baby in his 80's. But damnit! That boy can't keep his nose clean and he gets arrested again in December 1895 and goes to prison, cell number 193. Kirk is sentenced to exile in Siberia on February 25, 1897. Kirk does his time and is released in February of 1900. VI. DECEMBRIST SLOGANS REVISITED Kirk starts this listserv called Iskra, but in a meeting at Geneva in August 1900, it nearly goes offline because of bad taste. Kirk remained in control of Iskra and decided that it must serve either to further socialist reforms or get him command of his own starship. So, some d00ds cohorting with Kirk inside Star Fleet begin working on ways to smuggle paper copies of Iskra into Russia instead. The first issue goes out in December 1900. Man, but December seems to be the choice month, eh? Anyways, very few copies get through because AOL security is on alert. Kirk and a very large number of cohorts send copies to the Caucasus where a d00d named L.B. Krasin sets up both an illegal press called Baku and an AOL account. After months of deep thought, in 1902 Kirk writes a book with the original title, "What Is To Be Done". In it he makes some not at all humorous remarks on the subject of political movements and party organization. By 1903, the working class initiate mass strikes, violent contacts with police, and some spurious netcopping in Moscow. So, Kirk makes some blatherings about Economism, as if the workers gave a shit, and some more useless remarks about Marx and Engels' intellect. VII. LEV DAVIDOVICH BRONSTEIN Freshly escaped from exile on some asteroid deep in Klingon territory, a young man named Lev Davidovich Bronstein, better known as Pavel Chekov takes the earliest transporter to visit Kirk in London. Kirk likes him and wants to place him on the board of Iskra, but this guy named Plekhanov, better known as Dr. Leonard McCoy thinks that he smells bad and refuses. In 1902, Kirk, McCoy and Checkov, with the help of some strippers in alt.food.olestra make preparations for a Party Congress and some heavy duty partying. But just as things seemed to be going well, Kirk has a herpes flair up....Or was it shingles? Anyway, he burns and aches in misery for several days because Dr. McCoy was off 69'ing with 7 of 9 and he had left his tricorder with AOL security. VIII. THE SECOND PARTY CONGRESS OF THE RSDLP With everything back on track the second Congress of the Russian Social Democratic Labour Party takes place in 1903, amid cheers of all in attendance. Kirk hushes the crowd and leads the group in the singing of the International: [To the tune of The International] Arise, ye prisoners of pocket pool, Arise, ye patrons of the pron. We'll no longer have to whack off. 7 of 9, we'll spooie on! No need for awkward borg implants, Nor do we need our suck n pumps. Cause 7 of 9 fits our groove, And we're gonna ram it 'tween those humps. [chorus] Don't forget lubrication! Cause her tits might be rough. They're massive mondo mojo mountains, So for all there's enough! We will drool at those knockers, Gravitate towards that mass. We'll kiss and caress them gently, Then chew on her round ass! In Brussels on July 17, 1903 the first meeting opens. But because of infiltration of trolls, and after harassment by AOL security, everyone moves the festivities to London in August 1903. Around this time Kirk and this fellow named Martov, better known as Ikara Sulu argue over differences on party organization. After exclaiming "Bones, I need you...Badly!", Kirk wanders to his seat angry. Chekov supports Kirk; McCoy supports Sulu. McCoy wonders: "What is so wrong with a broad flexible newsgroup charter?", but Kirk counters with: "Because a loose charter in the alt.* area which doesn't avoid conflict with AOL security is nonsense!" Kirk loses the vote, 28 to 23. But Kirk isn't finished yet. In the 27th session of the congress, armed with AOL and Mindspring AUPs, Kirk delivers a rabbit punch. Bundist ISPs are defeated by 41 votes and so they walk out. Next, congress decides that Iskra should represent the party outside of Russia, so the Economist ISPs walk out. These two factors cause Sulu to lose 8 votes. Kirk now controls all the walkout ISPs, takes them national, and imposes a restrictive AUP for the alt.* hierarchy of Usenet affecting 99% of all users. Kirk forms a central committee for Iskra and issues a csmg: newgroup alt.fukengruven. Some not at all nice words are exchanged about the Iskra board and on the subject of 7 of 9's breast size. Everyone walks out. Then after some more off color language, Iskra begins printing bad things about Kirk and signing him up for pron mailing lists. Kirk, pissed off to no end, starts a new rag called Vperyod, which means, "I'm Going To Be A Real Dick On Usenet." IX. THE RUSSO-JAPANESE WAR February 1904 to September 1905 sees the beginning and the end of the Russo-Japanese war. In between this time there was fighting. The effects on the economy are severe. 10 million are unemployed and starving while the Tsar is still exporting grain, rent doubles, famines sweep the land, and life size 7 of 9 dolls with the vibro vagina become a valuable commodity. Kirk blurts out phrases in Vperyod about absolutism and the proletariat, which the proletariat can't understand anyway, and spends an inordinate amount of time in alt.tasteless.jokes. Russia, as usual loses the war. (What else is new?) By 1905, nearly everyone in the country except the rich are pissed off. Office workers, kulaks, postal employees, and George Michael begin masturbating in public to the Star Fleet Technical Manual. X. SUNDAY, BLOODY SUNDAY Netcop socialism fails due to lack of interest. Meanwhile this guy named George Gapon leads 200 thousand people in a mass demonstration on Star Fleet Academy Headquarters on January 9, 1905. AOL security goes on alert and netcops one thousand of the demonstrators. Gapon gets writers cramp and has a cigarette. A general strike is declared and acted on too, putting a severe crimp in Celine Dion CD sales. Intolerant of missing her latest CD, Gapon leaves the country and visits Kirk in Geneva only to discover that Kirk hace reproted him two wurk@aol.com, because the Central Committee informs Kirk through Star Fleet emergency channels that Gapon was not at all a good guy. Naturally, Gapon loses his frequent flyer miles. Afterwards, Kirk like totally sends this K-rad AOL instant message to this lady named Novaya Zhizn, better known as Ohura. In it Kirk complains about stuff. Well, ok, stuff about a provisional revolutionary government. He believes that it's the future of the workers as a political party, or at least Windows NT. XI. THE 1905 REVOLUTION FAILS As the title of this section suggests, the revolution didn't work. Mainly, employers got pretty ticked off because the workers kept on striking and making obscene gestures toward Star Trek Voyager. Lots of big wigs with beards gave up too. Then there was withdrawal of support by some political movements and from the Securities and Exchange Commission. So, the Tsar totally decided to form a parliament (Duma) and a constitution at the instigation of that Count Witte d00d who was still alive. Kirk and the future crew of the Starship Enterprise demand a boycott of the Duma and on Star Fleet itself for banning Romulan Ale in federation territory. Then, no sooner had that happened than Pavel Chekov and the Soviet executive were arrested on December 16, 1905 (December again!) for trolling alt.fan.jeri-ryan. Another problem was that the military was still obeying the Tsar and Steve Case. What can ya do? So, there was this bolshevik uprising in Moscow from December 9 - 31 (Man, these d00ds should have picked a different month!), ending just in time for new years festivities at Paramount Pictures. Kirk gets a five picture deal. Kirk writes some more stuff and proclaims that 1905 has proven some things: 1. Mensheviks are anti revolutionary and generally a bunch of assholes. 2. The transfer of power to the bourgeoise can't be achieved by handing out flyers at Pizza Hut. Q. December is a really shitty month to plan anything. XII. STOLYPIN 1906-1911 This guy with a beard named P.A. Stolypin invents the P.A. system, dissolves two whole Dumas, and hires REM to play at the opening of the third Duma. But this Duma is filled with a bunch of Newt Gingriches and they ignore lots of people who aren't rich. Because of this move, a bunch of people with really silly names for their movements appear: Recallists, Boycottists, Partyites, Liquidators, Vperyodists, AOLists, Mindspringists, AUPists, TOSists, 7 of 9ists, netcoppists, Scientologists, and so on. Kirk decides that if there is ever to be a middle class democracy and free nachos on Saturdays, they had better work with Alan Keyes. Kirk then steals a starship and robbs the Klingons of 300,000 rubles. Everyone is pissed off at Kirk now and they threaten to UDP his mother. Kirk schmoozes them with whoopie cushions of the highest quality. So there were like totally too many inter-party struggles and three dimensional chess tournaments which Joseph Djugashvili, better known as Spock, kept winning. Then as if there weren't enough to contend with, Kirk slips into the nexus, finds his dog Butler, cooks some eggs, argues with Jean Luc Picard, and falls in love again with this girl named Inessa Armand, better known as Antonia. But Picard insists to Kirk that she's not real, much like Usenet, and he goes horseback riding. XIII. THE FIRST WORLD WAR In addition to lax sales of New Kids On The Block CDs, the first world war begins August 1, 1914 and the Second Socialist International collapses for many reasons: 1. Van Halen fired Sammy Hagar 2. German Social Democrats support the war 3. Kirk gets arrested on August 7th (a month other than December) 4. MCI won't stop calling about their wondrous long distance service Then there is some rather weighty talk about Marx's XIth thesis, peaceful socialism, and the Holiday Inn Cambodia CD by the Dead Kennedys. XIV. IMPERIALISM AND CAPITALISM The entire crew of the future starship Enterprise insists that the highest stage of capitalism is imperialism and blames imperialism for the war in a coin toss. Kirk declares the war nothing more than imperialism and a ad campaign by Star Fleet weapons manufacturers. In a meeting, Kirk demands the the war turn to a civil war in Russia so he can finally get command of his own starship. He tells the crowd of workers that the first step is revolutionary defeatism - which confuses the crowd because they don't know what that means. At this point, some onlookers post highly embarrassing things about Kirk's dog Butler in alt.anus. Kirk explains to the crowd that it means that they need the masses to stop crossposting to alt.sport.photon in an effort to cause Russia to lose the war. Then the masses, through the negative effects of the high cost of DSL connectivity will revolt against the upper class. The crowd goes, "Oh." Kirk makes an uphill struggle from 1915 to 1917 with AOL and Mindspring to control the alt.* hierarchy. Oh my God, I almost forgot! Then this d00d named Rasputin, better known as Ed Wollmann, began making predictions, healing the Tsar's son, and flashing his penis to royalty. The masses got pretty peeved at this waste of tax dollars and, soley for the purposes of this text, banished him to alt.astrology.metapsych on December 16th, 1916 (Man! the freaks come out in December in Russia, huh?) where he remains to this day, ranting about conjunctions, Saturn's rings and their effects on gum disease, and netcopping people to abuse@ftc.gov. XV. THE PEOPLE OVERTHROW TSARISM In February 1917, the masses gather in the streets to celebrate International Women's Day, the Time Warner/AOL merger, the invention of condom machines, and to overthrow the Tsar. Kirk discovers that his loyal crew have been transferred to battle command aboard the starship Enterprise without him. Kirk fumes. Meanwhile, distinctly communist things are going on: February 24th sees a massive strike of 200,000 sex toy manufacturers. February 26th sees the Duma dissolved by the Tsar and congress decides to play badminton. February 28th sees the Tsar's ministers arrested and afterwards, the workers gather near a prison for a lecture on the price of Olive Loaf. March 1st sees the first session of the Moscow Soviet and re-runs of "I Love Lucy" on Nick At Night. March 2nd sees Kirk overthrow the current captain of the Enterprise. Justification for the overthrow is given to Star Fleet by Kirk due to the current captain's lack of Alberto V05. The Tsar abdicates after a particularly bad bout with constipation. March 3rd sees Kirk officially take command of the starship Enterprise. Kirk takes a vacation to Zurich while in exile to enjoy a DADA performace by the legendary DADAist, Tristan Tzara, who looks very much like actor Treat Williams. Kirk Returns to Russia April 3, 1917 and declares "All power to the Soviets and AOL!" XVI. KIRK'S APRIL THESIS Kirk writes a long, drawn out thesis in which he discusses such communist topics as: the passing of the country from the first stage of the revolution, no longer supporting the provisional government, introducing socialism immediately, and crushing people with a sense of humor on Usenet once and for all. The crowd thinks he's gone mad. Kirk explains that: 1. The passing of power from the rich to the proletariat is the first sign of the revolution. 2. Trolling, UPA, flaming, dirty language, obscene gestures towards Star Trek Voyager, and humor must be done away with Usenet wide. A few months later Kirk regains the support of the masses and netcops. Then there is some screaming in the streets by unbathed people with beards about abstract topics such as Revolutionary Defensism. Bourgeois socialism becomes petty. XVII. THE REVOLUTION OF OCTOBER 25 Another revolution, that works this time, happens. Communists are happy, Kirk's happy, netcops are happy. Kirk opens the Congress of Soviets on October 26th with the following: "We shall now proceed to construct the Socialist order, order a pizza, newgroup alt.tv.star-trek.voyager, and stamp out meowing and all general acts of blatant unseriousness on Usenet." Ok, so like, I'm pretty tired now...and you get the idea. ---- ____ / __/_ _____ ___ _______ Imperial Meow Ambassador:alt.pugwash _\ \/ // (_-