Thank You

Thank you for sharing the journey. This is the 100th TiBiDi Moment and the last.
 
Thank you for your feedback. A great number of people have, over the last 2 years, taken the time to compile their thoughts on one or more of the Moments and shared it with me. They have ranged from the bizarre, through the supportive, through the critical to the downright moving. I was never aware that this simple weekly thought might touch some people so deeply. Thank you for sending the Moments on to other people. Each week the Moment has gone out to 500 people and I guess there are many more who receive it second hand.

I have learned a lot about me from writing these notes. I have learned that what people teach and talk about most is the thing they most need to improve in themselves.
I train a lot of people how to lead, how to coach and how to be more empathetic toward other people. I train all of those subjects well and yet I need most help in being those things myself. My work life balance has also come under fire during these last 2 years, despite me knowing how important it is.

I said I would keep this going and I did. It is important to me that the Moment lived the spirit of Think it, Believe It, Do It and I hope that this message has shone through the ramblings.
I am now switching my spare time to writing a book that will uncover what Pop Music can teach us about Leadership! You may have noticed that a number of the moments have been song titles (including this one). If you’d like to count them (nerds only), they’re on the TiBiDi website.
So, in closing, a lesson from ‘Hallelujah’, written by Leonard Cohen, sung best by Jeff Buckley (imho). Cohen explains it like so;
“It’s the notion that there is no perfection – that this is a broken world and that we live with broken hearts and broken lives but that is still no alibi for anything. On the contrary, you have to stand up and say Hallelujah under those circumstances”

 

Rules Of Life

As this is the penultimate TiBiDi Moment I feel I just have time to squeeze in Cherie Carter-Scott’s rules of life, inspired by Helen Keller’s quote, “Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood”.
Love it - here goes;

Rule One - You will receive a body. Whether you love it or hate it, it's yours for life, so accept it. What counts is what's inside.
Rule Two - You will be presented with lessons. Life is a constant learning experience, which every day provides opportunities for you to learn more.
Rule Three - There are no mistakes, only lessons. Your development towards wisdom is a process of experimentation, trial and error, so its inevitable things will not always go to plan or turn out how you'd want.
Rule Four - The lesson is repeated until learned. Lessons repeat until learned. What manifests as problems and challenges, irritations and frustrations are more lessons - they will repeat until you see them as such and learn from them.
Rule Five - Learning does not end. While you are alive there are always lessons to be learned. Surrender to the 'rhythm of life', don't struggle against it.
Rule Six - "There" is no better than "here". The other side of the hill may be greener than your own, but being there is not the key to endless happiness. Be grateful for and enjoy what you have, and where you are on your journey.
Rule Seven - Others are only mirrors of you. You love or hate something about another person according to what you love or hate about yourself. Be tolerant.
Rule Eight - What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you.
Rule Nine - Your answers lie inside of you. Trust your instincts and your innermost feelings, whether you hear them as a little voice or a flash of inspiration.
Rule Ten - You will forget all this at birth. We are all born with all of these capabilities - our early experiences lead us into a physical world, away from our spiritual selves, so that we become doubtful, cynical and lacking belief and confidence. The Ten Rules are not commandments; they are universal truths that apply to us all. When you lose your way, call upon them.

 

Adding Value

I was training a group of people how to Coach the other day when one guy said to me, “So what’s the point in Coaching? Surely it would be quicker and easier to just tell our people what to do. Plus they’d be able to do it right first time.”
“As a Coach you are helping people to make the most of what they already have” I replied. “Sometimes it takes a little longer but look at it as adding value to another person and costing you nothing.”
“How do you mean?” he asked.

A man was out riding his horse one day when he came across an animated scene in a field. Three men were shouting and arguing, so he approached the group and asked if he could help. After they had calmed down a little, they explained that their father had passed away recently and left them all his valuable stud horses in his Will. The man asked them “So what is the problem with that?”
They explained that he left 17 horses and had stated that they should be split exactly half to the eldest, 1/3rd to the next eldest and 1/9th to the youngest. They had argued all morning about how to make a fair split of the livestock.
“Why don’t you take my horse, then you will have 18?” offered the passing stranger. “That would be great said the eldest - then I can take 9 horses.”
“That sure saves cutting them up said the next brother. It means that I would get my 6 horses.”
“Great!” said the youngest. “I will get 2 horses; but how can we repay you for your horse that you gave to us?”
“That’s no problem,” said the man, “you have enough now even if I take mine back.”

And with that he took back his horse and went on his way. That’s adding value.

 

No Added Sugar

A number of people who have heard me talk about Think It, Believe It, Do It have said that whilst they are in broad agreement with the message they find it too American; too Sugar Coated. The idea that we should be able to do anything (read that again – it said anything) as long as we believe in it enough AND have the strength and determination and courage and focus to make it happen…

To some people the idea is too far-fetched, not realistic, out of their normal compass.
Others say that it applies to other people but not to them. Others come out with 101 excuses why it couldn’t happen to them; excuses that are usually based on their previous experience rather than expectations of their future.

TiBiDi isn’t new. TiBiDi stuff is in the Bible, it’s in Greek mythology, it’s in plays and films, it’s in many, many books and songs. The strength of having a goal, focussing on it and creating an inner belief has stood the test of time from then to now.

The obverse is true, people who think negatively or who lack belief in their goals and abilities do not tend to succeed. An example from this week was the Olympic Judo player, Craig Fallon, representing GB. He said, “Seventh place isn’t really what I came for, but the way I’ve been feeling this week, seventh place is not so bad”. To me (and the Observer) this admission explains why he had no chance of winning.

Anyway, for those who need the same deal with a harder message, here are some of the words of Sheldon Kopp;
This is it.
There is no way of getting what you want.
There is no particular reason why you lost out on some things.
The world is not necessarily just. Being good often does not pay off.
You don’t really control anything.
You can’t make anyone love you.
Everyone is, in his own way, vulnerable.
We have only ourselves and one another.
That may not seem much but it is all there is.
You are free to do what you like; you need only face the consequences.

 

Olympic Spirit

The opening of the 2008 Olympic games is finally upon us. I caught the end of what looked like an amazing Opening Ceremony and witnessed the parade of all the Olympians and assembled entourage parading around the stadium behind their flags. Each person has a story to tell; each one can describe the last 4 years of practice and preparation ready for this moment.
The crowd, as one, cheered and clapped every country (especially their own) and stood and embraced each other on the spirit of the games. Dignities briefly stated how pleased they were to be hosting the event, a representative of the sportsmen and women stood and, holding the Olympic Flag, stated that they were proud to take part and would did so in a sporting way – without cheating or drug taking.
More clapping, cheering and smiling.

Into the first day of competition: swimming, dressage, men’s gymnastics, sailing, boxing – we watched them all. And here’s the curious thing; whatever the sportspeople did, the crowd appreciated their efforts.

Phelps sets a new Olympic record- the crowd applauds; a Spaniard wins the long distance cycling - the crowd goes wild; a man comes in a second later after 150 miles of effort - the crowd goers wild. A gymnast does a near-perfect floor exercise - the crowd applauds; another man falls of the landing mat as he lands unbalanced - the crowd applauds. A German badminton player, the first to go out of the Olympics does so after just 35 minutes of the competition; the crowd applauds. Her coach congratulates her on her efforts, backed by 4 years of preparation and practice. A horse which has travelled across the world and spent weeks in quarantine and training touches the edge of the dressage arena by mistake and hence cannot win a medal - the crowd applauds the rider and horse at the end.

No doubt the people who “lose” in the Olympics will go on to support and cheer their colleagues rather than rueing the non-PC nature of the competition in which there are naturally winners, losers and also-rans.
If we appreciated efforts and skills like this in everyday life, it would be a far finer place. If people said thank you when people made an effort, if they allowed people to see their own errors and offered relevant and appropriate feedback then we would all enjoy learning.

Long live the Five Ring Circus.

 

Special, so special

It was during Kung Fu Panda that it hit me. The Panda’s dad (his dad’s a crane who owns and runs a Noodle Outlet) tells him that he feels his son (the Panda, aka Jack Black) is ready to take over the running of the shop and that one day he will tell him the way to make his ‘Special Ingredient’ Noodle Soup.
But the Panda is destined for greater things – he travels across China to take on the mantle of the Dragon Warrior, facing pain, tiredness and stamina sapping physical and mental tests until he is ready to receive the Dragon Scroll. The Scroll is an ancient parchment that is reserved only for viewing by the true Dragon Warrior. He will need its secrets to fight the mighty challenger to his new title.
To his horror he finds that he cannot read the scroll, there is no writing upon it; no writing means no secret – he must fight the challenger on his own.
Just then he meets up again with his dad who announces, with some gravity, that he has something to tell his son. The panda listens, hoping to find out how he can be a Panda when his father is a Crane, but his father tells him,
“Son, there is no special ingredient in the ‘Special Ingredient’ Noodle Soup”. “Its just that people believe there is”
Equally there is no special secret in the scroll, it is made of reflective paper and reveals, when you look at it, that ‘you’ are the special ingredient!

There is no secret to life, to fitness, to diets, to success, to love – just hard work, dedication, focus and belief. We need to live each day as it comes and find the goodness in each occasion. Like Greg Norman’s motto, “Attack Life”.
There was once a piece of research done at Cornell University where a number of Senior Citizens were asked what they regretted about their life. 95% of the respondents said that what they regretted was something that they hadn’t done rather than something they had done. We should all stop waiting for the special ingredient, nobody’s coming and there is no ‘better time’ than right now.

 

Who’s Fooling Who?

Jack says, “I always wear sunglasses because without them I’m just fat and fifty”.

Is Jack living a lie or is he telling himself a helpful story that suits his view of the world? It depends on your point of view about Jack.
If you think that he is running away from reality; not facing up to the truth like the rest of us have to then you may feel you need to tell him to act more responsibly and face the facts.
On the other hand, for whatever reason, you may think, ‘Whatever gets you through Jack – fake it till you make it”.
Many successful people (by any measure, fame, money, happiness, achievement) have had to believe things that were not true in order to meet their dream. They were told things like, “Why don’t you live in the real world?” or “Let’s face it you’re never going to be able to do that” or “You must be wrong because nobody shares your view”.

We all tell ourselves stories all of the time; whether or not they are true is immaterial – its whether they fit in with our worldview that matters. One form of happiness is making your dreams come true. Another is working up the confidence to achieve your goals or face your fears.
It’s not lying, it’s not being deceitful and it’s not hurting anyone else– but it is about living with a purpose and making your dreams happen.

Just for the record, Jack actually said, “I always wear sunglasses because without them I’m just fat and fifty. With them, I’m Jack Nicholson”

 

Walk a mile in my tennis shoes

Descending silently for 12 floors to have breakfast last week in a hotel in London, I had plenty of time to look at my reflection. It was the face I normally see and as I checked that my shirt was looking ok, I realised that there were other bodies sharing the lift. They all had my shirt on too. Now at floor 6 I noticed that all the walls of the lift were mirrors. The ceiling of the lift was a mirror too.
What’s all that about? Being 6 ft tall there are not many people who take a look at the top of my head, me included. This time I could see how much the island of skin, where there used to be hair, had grown. For a split second I realised that if there really were other people in the lift they could see that too.
I tried all the angles. There was one at the side that made me look slightly fatter. There was a view from behind that showed the heels of my shoes could use a little more attention. There was a sneaky profile view that allowed me to look ahead but just see myself from the side. Who likes their profile? It’s a bit like hearing your voice on tape for the first time – not good.
But hang on; that’s the view that everybody else gets. I’m seeing myself as others do. But that’s just the view – what about what they’re thinking I’m thinking? What about what they feel inside when I interact with them? What do people like about me and what do they not like? Why don’t they tell me? Do I make it easy for them?
We don’t see other people as they are, we se them as we are. To be really empathetic we need to walk a mile in their shoes, really listen for their feelings as well as their words. Try to understand what they’re going through and what it feels to look out through their eyes.
Here’s what Gregory Peck said in To Kill a Mockingbird, “If you just learn a single trick, Scout, you’ll get along a lot better with all kinds of folks. You ever really understand a person until you consider things from their point of view… Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it”

 

What is Fear Anyway?

Please forgive the fact that the TiBiDi Moment has not been with you for a few weeks – this is primarily because I have been on holiday and then working in Asia; but also because I’ve been taking some time to arrange my thoughts on this week’s subject. So here goes;

• There is nothing to fear but fear itself
• Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real
• Feel the Fear and do it anyway

I’m not sure that any of these pieces of advice serve me completely well. Putting phobias to one side (because I’m not qualified to do otherwise) then they all seem to work for different areas.

The first one, ‘there is nothing to feat but fear itself’, suggests that we can overcome anything and that the only thing that would stop us or slow us down would be thinking about it. After all, people aren’t really afraid of flying; they’re afraid of crashing… Stop thinking about it and it goes away. To paraphrase Shakespeare, ‘there is nothing good or bad, but thinking about it makes it so’.

‘False Evidence Appearing Real’ is a snappy acronym which suggests to me that we create our own evidence to substantiate what we're afraid of. If you’re afraid of walking the streets at night for fear of being mugged then you will find every news story about that in your locality and you will probably see shadows in the dark as someone lurking in your way to attack you. Sometimes, things are there for a reason. Sometimes your subconscious ensures that you see things at their worst so that you can avoid the possible danger – so don’t ignore the signs if you see them.

Feel the Fear and do it anyway – this was the title of a very big selling self-help book in the 80’s. It was a literary Nike sign – Just Do It. It said that if you looked too hard at issues then you would be paralysed by inaction and never do anything. There are dangers everywhere if you let them get to you, but most of them are made up by us, our parents, or the Government.

We are only born with just 3 fears – the fear of falling (so wear a mattress on your back), the fear of loud noises (just get an I-Pod) and the fear of being abandoned. You’ve received this so somebody loves you!

I’ll leave the last word to a nice quote I read on www.boojabooja.com,  “Fear is when love stops short of infinity”.

 

It Means Nothing To Me

Oh Vienna! Just imagine arriving for a flight at Heathrow with just 18 minutes to go before take off – and still managing to get on board. It’s possible because it happened to me last week. If only my luggage was as fast on its feet... Predictably, I guess, my bag didn’t make the flight and so I’m Bagless In Seattle (well Vienna actually).
Thanks goodness I still had my identity, in my case my passport and my wallet. Without them you can’t even leave the airport in Austria, never mind check into the hotel.
“What was in the bag sir?” as I check in. “Do you need anything?” Not really (though a toothbrush and razor were gladly accepted) – I still have my own thoughts, my own beliefs and values, my dignity and ability; I can do the conference with those alone.
That bag is not me – it just contained some things that are designed to make me look and smell better. These differences are important when we look to make changes in our lives, whether at work or at home. We worry so much about the cosmetics of our lives and what other people do rather than what they are. We focus on others’ behaviour when we should be looking for their intent or meaning. We criticise the mistakes others make instead of looking for what they were trying to achieve.
“Your bag should be here by 10pm tonight sir, in the meantime just enjoy yourself”.
Enjoy My Self – what great advice.
It seems that what is important is either on or under your skin, you carry it around all the time; you were designed that way.

 

Life is Good

Das Leben ist bezaubernd, man muss es nur durch die richtige Brille sehen!
Hah! Now I have you. I bet you didn’t spend part of this morning chatting to a German about the ways to say ‘cheers’. OK, Prost (for beer) and Zum Wohl (for wine) are easier and “May you live a hundred years with an extra year to repent” is more arcane but the one above is more TiBiDi. Translated, the toast reads, “Life if Good, you just need to see it through the right glasses!”
Now these may be beer glasses or eyeglasses but either way, its good for you. Optimists look at life expecting the best and often get it. They look for the good things to happen and hence are open to opportunities, lucky breaks, chance meetings, synchronicity and the like. For the pessimists it’s exactly the opposite; they expect everything to be bad and it turns out that way. They expect things to stay the same or get worse and then they don’t use their resources to move on but just get “stuck” where they are. Learned helplessness sets in and there seems to be no point to anything. And this doesn’t just extend to everyday activities, this can a matter of life or death. Studies have shown that pessimists have more physical illnesses and die at a younger age than optimists.
So where do we get this from? Are we born optimistic or pessimistic? I don’t know but I doubt it – I reckon we learned it from other people, watching garbage on TV and deciding that knocking everything is a cool thing to do.
People ask me why I bother with having an optimistic outlook – I say “show me a better alternative”.
The last words belong to John Jacobs, co-founder of the marvellous Life is Good clothing company: - "Don't determine that you're going to be happy when you get the new car or the big promotion or when you meet that special person," explains John. "You can decide that you're going to be happy today." John also points out that the assertion is, in fact, a modest one. "It's important that we're saying 'Life is Good,' not 'Life is Great' or 'Life is Perfect,'" he says. "There's a big difference. We know that there are lots of bad things in the world. But overall life is good. You have to focus on the good things and help others to focus on the good things."

 

Here is the Nows

Why do we listen to or watch the News? To see things that we already know or to hear about things we don’t know have happened? In all cases, the things on the News are all in the past and there’s nothing we can do about it. What’s more the stories are usually not even very positive ones; so even “being informed” is not doing much good for our mental game.
The only part of the News that is not history is the weather – and that’s a forecast (read guess) about the future. So try living in the Now.
Think of it as you laying a concrete road. You’re in a big laying, spreading and drying machine-thingy. What’s Important Now is how well you can operate your machine.
You can reflect on the past, looking back to see how well or how badly you have done, but that concrete is already set. You can look ahead to the future and you could even fire little marker flags ahead of you to help plan and monitor your progress but you must complete the job in hand to be able to move forward to that future. Doing What’s Important Now (WIN) means that you can feel every bump in the road and use that feedback to help your progress along the road.
There are many songs about the futility of Living in the Past (there’s another one) including “Woulda, Shoulda, Coulda”, “Don’t Look Back in Anger” and “No Regrets” – all great advice but we ignore them all the same. Maybe my favourite words we’re the ones I once saw on a tea-towel; Yesterday is History, Tomorrow’s a Mystery, Today is a Gift and that’s why we call it The Present.

 

Turn It Over

I was working with a friend of mine last week who reminded me of a quote about seeing hurdles not as obstacles but as stepping stones on which to move forward. I was then reminded of Ed Moses who used to say that the fact he had to jump over something every 20 metres got him back to his stride pattern and gave him impetus for the next section of the 400 metres – he never saw them as things to stop him or slow him down.  So what other issues and challenges can we turn over and see in another light?
What about critical feedback? As long as it is made with the right intent and handled constructively it can be your best teacher. Consider making mistakes in your preparation; these can allow you to perfect something for when you first deliver it “live”. Look at what went wrong sometimes to see what you need to improve. As an African proverb says, “Do not look where you fell but where you slipped”.
Watch other people and learn from their failures as well as their successes. Think about the skimming stone, it seems to make height and distance each time from the surface of the water - the very water that it is trying to avoid.

Making joy from sadness, up from down, victory from setbacks reminds me of a poem from one of my favourite authors, William Arthur Ward;
Believe while others are doubting, plan while others are playing.
Study while others are sleeping, decide while others are delaying.
Prepare while others are daydreaming, begin while others are procrastinating.
Work while others are wishing, save while others are wasting.
Listen while others are talking, smile while others are frowning.
Commend while others are criticizing, persist while others are quitting.

 

What Were They Thinking?

Picture the scene – you probably saw it. It’s Athens in August 2004 – it’s the Badminton Mixed Doubles and in the final are China and Great Britain. China are the number one seeds and current World Champions, Great Britain are seeded 4th in the World so were punching above their weight by reaching the finals. The local papers in Nottingham at the time were full of the news that a local player and his partner are “guaranteed” Silver that afternoon in Athens.
The first game went to form – the Chinese pairing of Jun Zhang and Ling Gao made short work of the British, winning 15-1. But in the second game, Gail Emms and Nathan Robertson pull off a major surprise by winning 15-12 and setting up a tense last game to decide the medals. Despite early points for China, Britain led 7-3 and later 11-8 and needed only 4 points for the Gold when the wheels came off. They lost 15-12.
Robertson said later, “Toward the end they were more positive. We went into the tournament not expecting to win a medal so Silver was a good result. The end points of an Olympic Final are always going to be the hardest points of your life.”
Zhang on the other hand described “going into a trance” near the end of the game – totally fixated by the opportunity to win a game they could have let slip.
It turns out that Emms and Robertson weren’t beaten by better players on the day but were beaten by positive thinking. Maybe the Chinese had read the words of Ross Perot; “Something in human nature causes us to start slacking off at our moment of greatest accomplishment.  As you become successful, you will need a great deal of self-discipline not to lose your sense of balance, humility and commitment.”

 

Let’s Hear It for the Flying Fish

I don’t know who invented water – but it probably wasn’t a fish. As a species, they’re too reliant on it, too close to it to take a step back. If you’re a fish, you need to have water around you or you would quickly die.
So what about the fish kept in our homes in tanks and bowls? What must they be thinking? Maybe to them it looks like what’s outside the tank is water too; perhaps they see us with legs and arms and clothes on and imagine that we’re in water as well??
We do the same. We imagine everybody else’s values are like our own, that we’re all thinking the same thing and that understanding exists where it doesn’t. We also spend so long in our own environment that we can’t perceive our future as being any other way. That environment may be negativity, self doubt, self pity, low self esteem, poor diet or exercise, lack interests or a dead end job.
We can spend our days just swimming round and round, passing other fish but never talking or worse still, listening. We expect others to keep our environment clean and we lazily eat what is proposed to us by others.
Or we can make a leap for it – make change happen. We can be the flying fish who constantly lands in a different bit of sea just for fun! Get up, get out of your bowl – they’ve run out of Blood Worms.

 

Sand on our Tracks

One day we’re going to hit the Big One. One day we will be dealing with the death of a loved one or a serious illness. All our experiences in life up to that time, serve to prepare us for that point and the mental and physical reserves combine to help us through that storm. Up until that point we deal with difficulties and setback on our fabulous life and learning journeys. False starts, changes in the terrain, blind bends and steep hills. But also beautiful views, chances to stop along the way and spend time with family and friends; enjoying the ride. Little things may delay our journey; small punctures, re-fuelling, cleaning the windows so we get a better view or servicing our vehicle. We don’t have to go really fast anyway – we’ll reach the end one day. Difficulties are rarely as bad as they seem and sometimes they’re just sand thrown on our tracks to prevent us from skidding.

 

Creation versus Consumption

I found out last week that Santa visits Denmark on Christmas Eve. He appears down the chimney in a flash of white light and nobody has to be in the room or there wont be any presents left in that house. After that, the whole family enjoys a meal and then the presents are given out (if the junior recipients can wait that long). Christmas Day -and the day after - are days of rest and recovery.
I got these nuggets from the various Scandinavians I was working with last week and during our conversations, we got to talk about other differences between our similar nations. However, one guy who had been fairly quiet all evening piped up with something that stayed with me. He said, “It seems to me that famous people these days are famous for what they consume rather than what they can create”. He was referring partly to the rise of banal reality TV but mostly to celebrities who advertise that they wear a certain brand of perfume or dress in a certain designer make of clothes or drive a certain car. In Denmark and Norway, the average person is unconcerned with what other people think and hence these displays of material wealth are of little interest to them.

It made me think about how this relates to the Christmas Season. We often think about the balance between giving and receiving but even that conjures up materiality for most people. Sure we will consume and not feel like doing much; we deserve a rest after all. But creating instead of consuming could be a good thought. We don’t have to be artistically novel, just create something for someone else. You could create a nice meal or a peaceful ambience or a great mood or a restful time. You could create an environment for excitement or understanding. You don’t have to create for someone else; you could create any of these things for yourself and then enjoy them on your own.

 

Opportunity

I found this story the other day and thought this might be a good time to share it with you.

‘When the great library of Alexandria burned, the story goes, one book was saved. But it was not a valuable book; and so a poor man, who could read a little, bought it for a few coppers. The book wasn't very interesting, but between its pages there was something very interesting indeed. It was a thin strip of vellum on which was written the secret of the "Touchstone"!
The touchstone was a small pebble that could turn any common metal into pure gold. The writing explained that it was lying among thousands and thousands of other pebbles that looked exactly like it. But the secret was this: The real stone would feel warm, while ordinary pebbles are cold.
So the man sold his few belongings, bought some simple supplies, camped on the seashore, and began testing pebbles.
He knew that if he picked up ordinary pebbles and threw them down again because they were cold, he might pick up the same pebble hundreds of times. So, when he felt one that was cold, he threw it into the sea. He spent a whole day doing this but none of them was the touchstone. Yet he went on and on this way. Pick up a pebble. Cold - throw it into the sea. Pick up another. Throw it into the sea.
The days stretched into weeks and the weeks into months. One day, however, about mid-afternoon, he picked up a pebble and it was warm. He threw it into the sea before he realised what he had done. He had formed such a strong habit of throwing each pebble into the sea that when the one he wanted came along he still threw it away.’

So it is with opportunity. Unless we are always vigilant, it's easy to fail to recognise an opportunity even when it is in our grasp and it's just as easy to throw it away.

 

Get Over It

Maybe you were one of the 5 million people who witnessed Scotland give their all against football champions Italy and then give it all away in the last minute. They won’t be going to the European Championships.
Maybe you were one of the 15 million England Supporters who witnessed their national team come back to 2-2 after falling behind 2-0 after 14 minutes – and then let in a third goal in the closing stages of the game to lose 3-2. They won’t be going to the European Championships next year either.
Maybe you are one of the 25 million people who were shocked to hear that their personal details may be lost on one of two CD’s which may be somewhere in the UK or abroad. They may even be going to the European Championships.
It is so disappointing. Who is to blame? Who are the guilty ones? Whose head, shaped as a turnip, should adorn the front page of the Sun? The referee? Steve McLaren? The F.A.? Al Qaeda? Al Darling? David Icke?
Maybe we would be better off if we stopped looking for those to blame and took a look at our own actions and responsibilities. Things will not change if we simply weep and moan about what’s happened. Is it serving us well to look for a scapegoat? How much energy will it cost you and will it make you feel better when you find one?
When stuff happens we need to concentrate on understanding what has happened and how we can do better next time. The trouble with news is that it’s about recent history; bring on the programmes that are about now and what we are going to do next.

 

I’m Still Standing

Ann was reading one of her magazines, “The Garden” when she stopped and asked me to look at a remarkable picture. It was a double page photo of a scene of natural devastation in the grounds of some stately home in Kent. There was also a report about how the storms of 20 years ago had decimated the trees in the area. But as we looked closer at the picture, one tree remained upright in the middle of this particular forest of trees now lying dead on their sides.
It turned out that this tree was nothing special in terms of a species but that it had grown there from a seedling – the rest had all been transplanted there by the owners at certain times because they regarded them to be special. The single surviving tree had picked its spot, put down roots and grew well. In short, it liked being there.
In my job, I often meet 15 new people every day and it’s always interesting to find out why they’re attending the event. Some have been sent, some feel they ought to do it and others just want to be there. They want to learn and are looking forward to learning something new; even if it’s something they already “know”. They are never the ones who say, “This was good but I’m not sure how I can use it in my everyday role”.
It’s the same with people’s jobs. It’s clear who really loves doing what they do and who is just “passing through” or using it as a stepping stone to something else. Come the storm, they may have to rethink and start again.

Do what you love and love what you do.

 

All You Ever Do Is Criticise

It’s amazing to think how little time and effort can go into criticising a person’s love and work. People take years writing books, composing poetry, creating art and even training programmes only for someone to be able to sum up their efforts in less than 500 words and consign a book or film performance to half a column on page 47 of a newspaper or magazine.
Companies spend millions of pounds and hundreds of people are employed for months creating a movie, only for a film critic to watch half of the movie and write it off as a hopeless sequel. No doubt you’ve had your efforts summarily dismissed in the past too.
Having watched Ratatouille (we’re always behind in our house) at the cinema with my kids this weekend, I was taken with the Restaurant Critic in the film, beautifully narrated by Peter O’Toole. Famed for his scathing criticism, he was out to destroy the latest up and coming chef and (without spoiling it for you) was eventually struck by the empty, self-deprecating role he played in life. Criticism, by its very nature tends toward the negative, sometimes harshly; feedback on the other hand can be uplifting and useful for us to build on, especially from a trusted friend. I know the area I personally need to start to improve.
Let artists, dreamers and creators build and explore and let’s give help and support wherever we can. As for critics, I will leave the last words to the actor, Christopher Morley;
“A critic is a gong at a railroad crossing clanging loudly and vainly as the train goes by”

 

Stone Soup

Last week I was talking with a friend of mind who was looking at my CV and what I could offer. He said to me, “So what’s facilitation and how does that help a Company?” I told him. “So why would they pay for something they could do themselves?” he asked. “Because it adds value”, I said - and told him this story;
One day, two men arrived at a small village carrying a large pot, a bundle of twigs and a bulging backpack. They busily made a fire with the twigs, filled the pot with water and put it on the fire to boil.
Some of the villagers gathered to watch. They were astounded to see the men take three smooth stones out of their backpack and put them into the pot.
“What are you doing?” asked a curious girl.
“Making Stone Soup” replied one of the men. “It’s a real delicacy. Mind you, it would taste even better with a handful of carrots and beans in it. Does anyone have any to spare?”
One of the villagers ran to her house and came back with some carrots and some beans. The other man cut them up and stirred them into the pot. Then he took a spoonful of the soup and tasted it.
“Is it ready yet?” asked the curious girl
“Not quite” replied the second man. “It’s very tasty, but it could do with some potatoes to thicken it. Does anyone have some to spare?”
A villager ran to his house and came back with some potatoes. The first man cut them up and put them into the pot. Then he took a spoonful of the soup and tasted it.
“Is it ready yet?” asked the curious girl.
“Not quite” said the first man. “It’s very delicious, but it could do with some herbs to bring out the full flavour of the stones. Does anyone have some to spare?”
A villager ran to her garden and came back with a handful of fresh herbs. The second man cut them up and stirred them into their pot. Then he took a spoonful of the soup and tasted it.
“Is it ready yet?” asked the curious girl.
“Almost” said the second man. “It just needs a pinch of salt and pepper to make it taste perfect. Does anyone have some to spare?”
A villager ran to his house and came back with some salt and pepper. The first man stirred this into the pot and then tasted the soup.
“Is it ready yet?” asked the curious girl.
“Yes!” replied the two men, triumphantly.
By now, over fifty villagers had gathered around the fire, each holding a bowl and a spoon. The men gave everyone a ladleful of their Stone Soup. Soon there was nothing left in the pot except the three stones. The men took them out, wiped them clean and put them back in their backpack.
“What do you think of the Stone Soup?” they asked with a smile.
The villagers told them that it was the best soup they had ever tasted. They talked about it long after the two men had left their village for the next one over the hill.

 

Enjoy the Journey

In their book ‘Art and Fear’, Bayles and Orland tell the story of an art teacher who did an experiment with his students. In his ceramics class one day he announced that he was dividing the class into 2 groups. All those on the left of the studio would be graded solely on the quantity of their work whilst those on the right would be graded solely on quality. His procedure was simple; for the ‘quantity’ group he intended simply to weigh their work on the last day of term. Fifty kilos of pottery would get and A grade, forty kilos a B Grade and so on. The ‘quality’ students only had to create one piece, albeit a perfect one, to get an A grade.
At the end of term, a curious fact emerged; the pieces of the highest quality had been created by the quantity group. It seemed that whilst this group was busy churning out work, they had created an internal improvement process – constantly learning from their mistakes and improving the output. The quality group on the other hand had spent a long time theorising about perfection and how to achieve it and in the end had little to show except their grand theories and a pile of dead clay.
Top artists, sports people and all high achievers know their success is down to failing early, failing often and learning from everything.
I often run workshops in which people express their hopes and fears at the start of the course. They commonly say, “I fear I won’t learn anything new or won’t be able to use it back at work”. Guess what? They say they really enjoyed the ‘show’ but fail to implement any of the new ideas they generated.
The issue is that we overestimate the event and underestimate the journey. Every fulfilled dream is due to people trusting in the process, learning from events and enjoying the journey.

 

Who Are You?

If you ever saw Willy Russell’s film, Shirley Valentine, you will recall her saying “Why are we given all these dreams if they aren’t supposed to come true?” Shirley battled against her sense of unfairness with the world and broke outside her old views of how she saw herself, albeit briefly.
We all feel this from time to time; a sense that there may be more to life than this and then stepping outside yourself to see where you have ended up. It’s what you then do about it that counts.
For most of us we realise too late that we are not who we have been conditioned to think we are. Listening to many disillusioned delegates I meet, whether they be 6th formers or 20 year veterans of employment, we are told by our parents, our bosses and even our friends that our performance is ‘not good enough’ and in order to get any further we need to work on our weaknesses - (not good advice by the way; work on your strengths instead).
I received the same advice over and over until one of my enlightened Mentors once told me, “You are not your performance”. Say that again… “You are not your performance”.
Mistakenly we come to believe that we are our name, our title, our qualifications, our experience, our address, our work, our possessions – we are none of those things. We are the person who experiences life, not the experiences themselves. We are the thinker, not the thoughts.
Find out what you really are and your life will re-start. As Hagrid once said to Harry Potter, “Harry, you are a Wizard” - and suddenly his mixed-up life made sense.

 

Do Unto Others

We were busy organising a meal out with Ann’s side of the family to celebrate my birthday last week when my son said, “Why don’t we invite Grandma as well? It’s her birthday too on Tuesday”
It was a great idea and, despite now being 87 and partially sighted, my Mum really enjoyed the 100 mile return trip and our special evening. It reminded me of a story.

There was once a frail old man who went to live with his son, daughter in law and four year old grandson. The old man’s hands trembled, his eyesight was blurring and his steps faltered. When the family ate together at the dinner table, the grandfather’s shaking hands and failing eyesight made eating difficult. Peas would sometimes roll off his fork onto the floor. When he grasped his cup, tea would spill onto the tablecloth.
Irritated by the mess his elderly father frequently created, the son said to his wife, “We’ve got to do something about Grandad. I’ve had more than enough of his spilled tea, noisy eating and food on the floor.” And so the couple set a small table off in the corner of the room, where Grandad could eat alone. Because he had broken a dish or two, his food was served all together in a wooden bowl.
Sometimes Grandad had a tear in his eye as he sat alone. Still the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food. The four year old watched it all in silence.
One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor and kindly asked him what he was making. “Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mum to eat your food in when I grow up.” The words so struck the parents that they were speechless but they knew what needed to be done.
That evening, the husband led Grandad back to the family table, where for the remainder of his days he ate meals with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, tea spilled or the tablecloth dirtied.

 

Sultans of Swing

When were asked to ‘think of a team’ we often recall a famous wining team such as the Liverpool FC team of the eighties. If we are then asked ‘what made them a great team?’ we start to struggle because we’ve picked them because they were winners, they had some famous names and they kissed each other from time to time.
There are lots of other, better examples – usually unknown and unsung – who reflect the true sense of teamwork much more.
Think of the Peloton in a cycle race. Each team’s sole job is to give their best every time they ride in order to get their leader into a winning position. They take it in turns to get to the front of the peloton, shield their star and take a turn at the hard work. Rather like flying geese, another will come to the front and stake over the ‘drafting’ from his fellow ‘domestique’ and yet another will take over when he senses it is his turn to do so.
Think of amateur dramatics & pop groups, charity workers or weekend sports teams who know they have to turn up because they trust everyone else will be there. I remember turning up for a running club at 9am every Sunday in all weathers just because they would be there. It was all made worthwhile when one snowy day, a group of maybe 15 of us were running along a road when amazingly everyone’s footfall suddenly became synchronised. The feeling was one of incredible lightness and efficiency. It only lasted for about 500 metres but what had felt like hard work that morning was now a magical experience we all shared. By working together, increasing empathy, trust and understanding we can transcend teamwork. In “The Amateurs”, David Halberstam tells about a similar moment in rowing;

“When most oarsmen talk about their perfect moments in a boat, they referred not so much to wining a race as to the feel of the boat, all eight oars in the water together, the synchronisation almost perfect. In moments like these, the boat seemed to lift right out of the water. Oarsmen call this the Moment of Swing”
Olympic contender John Biglow said what he liked most about it he said “was that it allowed you to trust the other men in the boat. A boat did not have swing unless everyone was putting out in exact measure and because of that, and only because of that, there was the possibility of true trust amongst oarsmen”

Swing It.

 

Pass The Parcel

Last Friday I was one of the speakers at a Leadership Conference in Exeter. After my session, two people approached me and asked if they could use the materials I had shared with the group. Naturally (for me) I said yes. We were there to learn and I believe that one of the best ways to increase your learning is to teach or show someone else what you have learned. Besides, I no doubt got that material from somebody else in the first place.
Training and Development is one great game of Pass The Parcel – our aim should be to receive it, feel it and pass it on.
Often things do go round in circles, the music plays all the time and then suddenly it stops. There can be perceived winners and losers at any and all stages (especially if the organisers try to inject “fairness” into a natural process) and there can be tears and joy from exactly the same experience.
Sometimes you get to give an experience a really good squeeze as it passes by, sometime we get curious and give it a shake; at other times you’re happy to just enjoy the journey. After a while someone will win a prize and we start all over again.
This metaphor extends to life itself; from meeting others and sharing experiences, through helping children discover a sport of pastime or even by passing on your inheritance or legacy to others. This even includes bringing up children – we are gifted them in the first place, hug and squeeze them for a while and then pass them back to the world. Very few decide they own them and refuse to let them go.
That’s learning. We all know how to play and another game starts in a minute.

 

Waiting

Travelling back from Heathrow on the Tube last week, I sat next to an American man (I could tell from his luggage tag and his Cleveland Browns cap) who has a tattoo on the inside of his forearm. It was a long, large, but neatly written tattoo which must have hurt to have sat through! It read as follows;
“The best Americans have not been born yet; they are waiting patiently for the past to die”. I thought about asking him what it meant but decided against it. Within two stations he was off the train, leaving me with my thoughts. What does it all mean? Maybe it was optimistically looking to the future; maybe pessimistically looking at the past? I looked it up on the net when I got home – it’s the opening lines of a very powerful poem by Saul Williams called ‘Bloodletting’ about the state of America post 9/11. It appears to condemn the present predicament and suggest that we need these current memories to go away before we can make improvements. We spend so much time waiting for things to happen.

The Arctic Monkeys said it on their track Dancing Shoes – evoking memories of when we just watch and wait at discos (the same as we do at parties and networking meetings);
“You’ve seen your future bride, but it’s oh so absurd, for you to say the first word, so you’re waiting and waiting…”

All this reminds me of a quote I kept close by me when I first left corporate life and set up my own Company 3 years ago;
Let others lead small lives, but not you.
Let others argue over small things, but not you.
Let others cry over small hurts, but not you.
Let others leave their future in someone else's hands, but not you.

 

Papering Over The Cracks

In an effort to weatherproof our home from the vagaries of the British summer (heavy rain, North East gales etc), I was summoned to find out the reason why rainwater was leaking in above our kitchen window. It turns out that it only comes in when the wind (and rain) is in a certain direction but nevertheless I set about pointing the brickwork in that particular area. Once I had the gunk and the tools and the ladders to hand, I set about looking further up the wall and found all sorts of blemishes and hairline cracks in the brickwork and woodwork. Sunday afternoon was turning into a scene from the Sorcerer’s Apprentice.

Far from being work-shy (yeah right – Ed), it struck me that we are constantly on the look out for cracks and blemishes in our own lives. We like to highlight our own flaws and weaknesses and make more of them to ourselves and to others! Whilst we feel embarrassed blowing our own trumpet, we are fantastic at pointing out our issues. Once you get good at this, you even feel like branching out and telling other people about their problems too.

Let’s imagine we meet a brand new friend and that we get on with them and enjoy being with them. We like them even though they look different to us, think differently to us and over time we appreciate those differences. But after a while we tend see major differences as cracks and problems with the other person. Their timekeeping, their education, their musical tastes, their hobbies and start to think we can help them improve. I’m not talking about the odd comment but the ‘good housekeeping’ we start to do in bending the other person to be ‘more perfect’.

Your relationships are perfect as they are. To put it another way, look for the cracks and they will show, look for the good in people and you will find that too.

 

Throw Away The Keys 

In the Wings song ‘My Love’, McCartney sings, “Only my love holds the other key to me”. I take this to mean that he couldn’t unlock his true feelings of love except with that person. The two of them would need to be present at the same time to both use their different keys and open the lock.

It’s a bit like the President and the Chief of Defence both needing to use their special keys to unlock a shield to reveal a button which they have to both press at the same time in order to launch a Nuclear Missile during the Cold War. Or if you prefer the analogy, two halves of a ring being placed together to form a whole; like the one I seem to remember from ‘Shazzam!’

Do you have someone who holds your other key? It may be love, or maybe something else like having a really good time, or a laugh, or feeling super creative. There is often one person who needs to be around for each of these things to really happen and on each occasion they bring their key.

So it’s strange then that when it comes to bad feelings, there are lots of people running all over town with skeleton keys;

“I can’t stand Estate Agents”

“All hoodies make me nervous”

“The Police these days – you can’t trust them”

“I hate Tesco!”

You hear this all the time. It takes special people or circumstances to make us happy and loved but it seems to just take any old thing (or anybody) to get us down.

So here’s the plan; have a key armistice.

Decide that all the negative key-holders are going to give up their keys or throw them away (they don’t have to know this by the way). This way you’ll be in charge of when you choose to be down or upset.

And while you’re at it – let that positive key holder know just how valuable they really are; you might just hold their key too.

 

Pick Up The Pieces

In 1965, two things were new to our house; Richard, my new baby brother and ‘Quips’, a revolutionary dried, mashed potato. Having delivered the former, my Mum was consigned to bed for two days and my Dad was sent to the kitchen for the first time in his life to cook a meal featuring the latter. Fray Bentos trays and slicing carrots held no threat; opening the bag of Quips did. As he opened the fiddly bag, all of its contents exploded into the air and landed like snow on the kitchen floor.

It wasn’t the end of the world – we quickly swept them all up and put them in the bin, but this became stuff of legend in our house; the day the Dad couldn’t cope.

Twelve years later my Mum did the same thing, but this time it was a bag of frozen peas. Staring in disbelief at the peas rolling all over the floor she put her head in her hands and, slumping to the work surface, wept uncontrollably. She couldn’t cope; Dad had died two days earlier – this time it was the end of the world.

There was a silence of nearly three hours whilst the peas sat there lifeless and so did my Mum. Eventually, she sank to her knees and sadly started the job of collecting up all the thawed out peas until she had them all. At that point, she decided to get on with the rest of her life.

A week later she found about a dozen peas behind the fridge. Remembering her loss she looked at them, gulped and threw them silently away. A month later she found another 4 under the washing machine. Nearly 3 months later she found a few peas, now dehydrated, under a cabinet when we sought to fix a leak under the sink. The final pea came to light when Mum had a new Cooker fitted almost a year later.

All the peas held memories which were bitter-sweet but helped Mum move on.

At times of great trauma, we just want to forget but end up spilling our peas. We have to pick them up and move on. Each pea reminds us of our loss but once it is found it will help us to account for how we feel, recollect our memories and carry on the journey.

 

Your Stairway

“Yes there are 2 paths you can go by, but in the long run, there’s still time to change the road you’re on”. So said The Song and this was echoed by 80 Small Business People (no, not Ronnie Corbett – one man businesses) I addressed mid-week.

I guessed the average age to be about 40, but these we’re people who had been drawn or pushed to setting up their own businesses and were now in varying stages of making them happen.

Having chosen our road, we now have to travel – put our foot down and go places that we have dreamed about (Think It). There are many small businesses that get on the road, just sit there and get run over. There are others who haven’t thought about their destination and end up at one of the following 4 exotic resorts;

Someday Isle – This is a place far, far away (sorry Shrek) which we never quite get to. I guess it must be somewhere out there but not very well signposted. Someday I’ll find it.

Gunner – This is near Someday Isle but not quite as large. One day I’m Gunner make a fresh start, I’m Gunner quit smoking.

Shudder – Another place that you can’t see until you’re past it. Shudder can only be seen in the rear view mirror or by looking over your shoulder and saying “I Shudder done that”, “I Shudder changed, taken a chance”.

Ammonia – This is not really a destination, more of a reason not to travel. When you think of all the places you can go, you get really excited about it but then say “Ammonia a small businessman”, “Ammonia Trainer”. Ammonia limits your horizons.

We need to plan, we need to get ready, we need to make sure we’ve got the passport, the tickets and the money but we have to move. Make sure that you know where you want to end up because that’s the direction you’ll take

“Your Stairway lies on the Whispering Wind” - we just need to listen.

 

That’s You, That Is 

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No it’s you.

OK, maybe you’re not Superman, but would you want to be? Granted, he could fly, lift heavy objects and fight criminals but he had issues too.

Socially, he appeared to be very nervous and clumsy, his eyesight wasn’t the best and he had a fairly lowly job on a local newspaper. His taste in clothes and colour co-ordination weren’t too hot (red, yellow and blue – please) and additionally he had a fatal weakness; being unable to wear a Kryptonite wristband or necklace. He wasn’t all that!

You’ve got strengths too. Maybe you’re good with people, great at organising, remembering things, making kids laugh, an ace networker, computer whiz, or a best friend to someone who needs you?

You may not rate your strengths but others do, especially if they cannot do that thing themselves. I remember presenting a “This Is Your Life” special to my Mum on her 80th Birthday in front of 50 of her friends, family and colleagues. A childhood friend of mine who attended said to me, “Wow – what a skill you have. You must be a real asset to your Company”. I’d never thought about it that way and my Company at the time never seemed to have recognised it either.

One more thought - Superman worked alone; he never seemed to suss the strength of teams. Think about the most unlikely teams with varying skills forming a winning combination making space for each others strengths and overcoming their weaknesses; The X Men, The A Team, the Peloton, Chas n Dave, Meerkats. Take a moment to see how you work so well with your spouse, your friends, your work colleagues and so on.

Just like The Incredibles, we live in a world where everyone has a superpower – it’s just a matter of finding yours and when and where you can contribute best (and in what order to put your pants on). Go for it.

 

Third Rock From The Sun 

At Parents’ Evening with Alison the other night, we sat down to hear from Mrs Marshall, Allie’s Science Teacher. “She’s doing well. It’s a shame that more girls don’t take an interest in Science” she said. “I guess boys just seem to like physics more; The Solar System and all that” she added.

“She doesn’t get it from me” I retorted. “I never understood Physics, or Chemistry, or Biology. Nobody was able to bring it to life for me”.

Thinking about it, that’s not true.

I remember once that a number of our class spent a good half-lesson holding fruit and various sports equipment as we recreated the Solar System. I’m convinced that the Sun was a Beach Ball, the Earth was a Grapefruit and Venus was an Orange – or was she a tennis ball? Was Mercury a Ping-Pong Ball or a Ball-Bearing?

Anyway it set me thinking about what revolves around what and relativity and stuff and reckon that this could work:-

Let’s say that we are the Earth – after all that’s where we we’re born. For most of us, that’s the centre of the Universe, largely because we know no different.

The Sun is our source of energy, our driving force. It’s the passion we need in all our lives, but we mustn’t get too much of it or get too close. (Was that Icarus? Greek Mythology, my other Achilles Heel…).

Sometimes earthly issues cloud the Sun, but our energy is always there, even though it seems to rise and set each day.

Our Moon is our mood, our psyche. We have good and bad sides; light and dark, and every so often our moods can completely eclipse our energy but we should know that this will quickly pass.

There are other planets (our friends and family) which revolve around their energy but are in orbit with us. Sometimes closer, sometimes further away but always dependable if we keep in touch.

Further away, but no less bright, are millions of stars – all the people who you have ever known or will know. There are some you have known in the past who still shine brightly. There are those you have yet to meet whose sparkle you have yet to see in your life.

Lastly there are Black Holes; stuff that we don’t know. And beyond that, stuff that we don’t know that we don’t know. Now, that’s Physics.

 

Crazy Frogs

I was in the greenhouse on Saturday night, picking some watercress for a meal when a tiny frog leapt out from where he had been hiding (well it has been wet around here), and darted away to find another hiding place. He had one or two attempts to clear a large pot and then he was gone; reminding me of a story I once heard about two frogs that fell down a well.

These frogs had fallen into a well and were making desperate attempts to leap out but kept hitting the slippery vertical sides and falling back down into the semi darkness with a soft plop. They tried over and over again, but to no avail and soon a party of their frog friends had appeared at the top of the well to see what was going on.

At first they were shouting for their friends to “Jump”, Try harder”, “Go for it” but on seeing the increasingly desperate attempts and repeated failures of the frogs, started to change their encouragement to advice such as, “Save your energy”, “Don’t be crazy”, “You’ll never do it”. After about 10 minutes of jumping, the frogs began to tire and one of the onlookers was heard to say “Give in my friends, you’re going to die”.

Sure enough, in another 30 minutes one of the frogs was lifeless and exhausted and fell into the water one last time and died. But this seemed to spur the other frog on – he jumped and leapt and tried and tried despite the crowd shouting things like “Give in you fool” and “You’re doomed you idiot”.

Suddenly, with one last super-amphibian effort the remaining frog managed to pull out a jump which allowed him to just catch hold of the top brick and amazingly the other frogs hauled him to safety.

“We can’t believe it!” they cried, “Didn’t you hear us telling you that you were doomed?” The frog didn’t respond but thanked them for their encouragement and explained that he was deaf and that all he could see was them cheering him on for nearly an hour.

The moral of the story? We need to watch what we say to people. One negative word to someone who is down can really tip them over but any positive word received or perceived at the right time can be a life-saver.

 

The Path of Least Resistance 

It’s a natural thing; the path of least resistance. Rivers do it when they track from mountain to sea, cows do it when then traverse across a hillside rather than climbing boulders and blasting through hedges, roads follow the tracks that cows (and sheep and carts) took, and carrots do it – hence comedy carrots that took a detour around a stone.

Even the most powerful forces do it; lightening takes the fastest and easiest way to earth and waterfalls seek out the edge and just go for it!

We do it too. Sometimes is useful and sometimes it’s less so. Usefully, we sometimes find a labour saving workaround; we circumvent bottlenecks and barriers in processes. We also accommodate other people’s needs whilst using the Path and we even twist the rules to suit a situation. Crucially we will seek out opportunities to “go with the flow” and sometimes we simply follow our instincts and then find a more creative solution.

But sometimes the Path of Least Resistance is counter-productive. How many times have you turned a blind eye to people who break the rules? Or avoided a conflict when you know it should have been tackled? I have witnessed countless examples of people not confronting issues of poor performance in the workplace (and have done it myself). And how many of us put up with the most appalling service because it’s easier to just let it go?

The Do It phase of TiBiDi requires us to recognise when it does matter and when we need to show persistence, discipline and focus. We need to be aware of times when we are finding the easy way out by listening to our own resisting voice and looking and listening for signs of it in others.

Otherwise, like cattle tracks appearing on the hillside, we always do the same thing and we always get the same result.

 

Would You Believe It? 

Consider this statement.

If you believe in something then you don’t need the proof and if you have the proof then you don’t need to believe any more.

It may be Father Christmas or the Tooth Fairy; it may be Global Warming or the presence of a God. It’s the belief that drives us on and the proof that slows us down.

I have no proof that attending Think It, Believe It, Do It days or even reading this column helps people with their confidence or self esteem. I can’t prove that people who think positively have better outcomes and are more attractive to other people. I would know where to start if someone wanted the evidence that TiBiDi will lower your stress levels and help you to out-perform others at work.

I used to look for proof in all these areas when I first started out because people used to ask me for it before they attended the programme. I even remember talking to someone’s P.A. and them saying that their boss would not accept my invitation to attend the day because he didn’t believe in “that sort of thing”, unless I could more fully outline my CV and send testimonials of people who had tangibly benefited from the experience. I told them that there would be very little point in him attending – and he didn’t.

So that’s it; if you believe in something then you don’t need the evidence.

Let me leave the last word to Carl Jung being interviewed about his beliefs;

Q. Do you believe in God?

A. Believe in God? Well, believe is a word we use when we think that something is true, but for which we do not yet have a substantial body of evidence. I don’t believe in God. I know there’s a God.

 

House Rules

Nobody knows all the rules of the game; even fewer follow all the rules. What’s more, when you play the game, you may even add some of your own House Rules.

Take Hashin Kahn’s rules of Squash, but view them as a metaphor for business;

Then there are Lionel Blue’s rules of Draughts (as a metaphor for life);

What rules do you have? Are some of them limiting your game?

“Never talk to strangers. I rarely accept criticism from younger people. Don’t kiss on the first date. Never swim after eating. I don’t mix business with pleasure. You should not reveal your true feelings to others.” Consider if the House Rules you have invented are serving you well or helping you to play the game.

 

Virus Attack!

We all know that a smile is contagious and that laughter is infectious - but what a strange metaphor. Usually if we regard something as infectious or contagious this would be a negative connotation, something to avoid – so maybe they are described in virus-like terms so that we know its useless to resist?

It started me thinking about viruses. We spend a lot of money and time guarding against them; either attacking our body or our Computer. We also know that we need to be on our guard the whole time. This years ‘flu’ will get some people and not others but it will be back next year with an even more effective and virulent strain. Today’s Trojan Horse will be changed again next week and can fly round the world quicker than the experts at Norton and Microsoft can combat them. A virus is an amazing thing and it has a special mechanism to make sure it survives.

When we have a cough or cold we think it’s a by product of the virus, but think of it from the virus’s point of view. It creates the need to cough or sneeze simply so that the infection can be sent out into the air and affect more people. Rabies even creates a motivation in dogs to roam away from home, foam at the mouth and bite other animals and so on.

We’re all carriers and we can infect others either positively or negatively. What do we do apart from smile or laugh that other people can catch? A poor attitude perhaps? A miserable, sceptical approach to life? You may not know when you’ve been infected by someone like this and sometimes it’s easier to agree with them than to resist. So be on your guard – respond with a positive twist or a smile.

 

To Have and Not To Hold

On TiBiDi Programmes I will often run a short session in which we look at the importance of choosing the right words and phrases when talking to yourself. We view the debilitating effect of negative language and how it can affect not only your mindset but also your physiology. It is a shock to many people to learn that negative phrases and self talk can actually drain your physical strength.

So phrases like “I’m no good at this”, “It’s all going wrong” and even thoughts about the fact that you might have struggled last time you tried – actually get in your way literally and metaphorically.

The audience generally look at me like I’m a salted snail but then are happy to look at re-working their personal favourites into new, more empowering phrases. For example, “I’m tired” can be reworked as “I need more energy”. “I can’t do this can translate into “I could do this if…” Use the new language up for 15 days and your subconscious will start to make things happen instead of agreeing with your initial negative thoughts.

If you think that’s a bit cheesy - a bit ‘American’; try something from the French.

In French they say; “j’ai faim” (hungry), “j’ai soif” (thirsty) for a number of verbs. Instead of etre (to be), they use avoir (to have). They are really saying “I have hunger” rather than “I am hungry”. This means they can have it or not have it; they can choose to pick up hunger or to put it down. Their hunger is no longer part of their identity.

When you say “I am frightened” why not think instead, “I have fright/fear”. This way you can instantly decide you don’t want to hold it and just put it down. C’est magnifique

 

The Last Resort

Three pieces of news make up the Moment this week. Firstly my friend Dave told me that by 2012, there wont be any ice in any sea; good news if you’re on the Titanic but not too clever for the rest of us. Secondly Jamie Cullum was on the Jonathan Ross Show and came out OK (I’m a fan you see). And then this morning Ann announced that 90% of some sea fish species are now lost.

So why Jamie Cullum? He sings a song called ‘Oh God’. In it he thinks about the things that are going wrong in the world and asks, “When will it all end?” Receiving no reply he asks another question, “Can we win back what we have lost?” Again there is no response so he checks with his God “Are you the last resort?”

It appears that we are responsible for our actions and have to face the consequences for everything we choose to do. Choosing to do nothing is still a choice.

Life on earth doesn’t come with a Customer Service pledge. As far as I know, you can’t put your body back in its original packaging and return it to The Maker. There is no 3 year warranty on life and there are inherent faults, clicks and blemishes in all of us.

But we can do a DIY transformation. There is a way you can take your Mk1 and change it into Mk2. We can get some spare parts and be as good as new. Great news! Where do I buy these spare parts? Well you don’t buy them because you already have them; courage, belief, generousness, friendship, exercise, moderation, understanding and so on. We’ve all got the same inventory – it’s about choices.

 

Just Wishing

On holiday last week, I couldn’t help but spot 3 funny signs outside shops and pubs. One of them was hand written so that’s excusable; the other two were semi-permanent signs that had cost somebody some time and effort and had presumably been checked! Here we go;

•      Sunday Carvery – Two Coarse Meal (maybe the swearing was included)
•      Have a Cracking Ester (methyl benzoate perhaps?)
•      Don’t miss our Easter Bunny Event – You’ll be Hoping Mad

It was Hoping Mad that gave the idea for this week’s Moment. People who spend their whole lives hoping things go their way are back in the land of lady luck, throw of the dice, que sera sera etc. I was making a mental note to look up which American Leader first coined the phrase “Hope is not a Strategy” when Alison (12 yesterday) chirped up, “I wish I was a little bit taller”. “That’s the name of a song” I said, unhelpfully.

“No Dad, I wish I was taller so that the sun wouldn’t be in my eyes when I’m sitting in the car”

This gets better – we go straight from Hoping to Wishing. Look at the percentage of our lives that we spend wishing.

I wish I was fit; I wish I was rich, I wish I hadn’t done that; I wish I was more popular.

W.I.S.H. (Will It Someday Happen?)

W.I.S.H. (What If – Slender Hope)

What are you going to do about it? Bill Gates reportedly said that the only difference between Microsoft and Apple and the rest of the companies around at the time they started was that they both took “massive action”. Make a start today; do something that takes a step toward your goals and leave wishing to the 12 year olds.

You are what you eat?

Perceived wisdom tells us that we are what we eat. I believe there’s even a TV programme nowadays which seeks to prove that if we put rubbish into our mouths then our bodies will be a reflection of that intake. On the other hand, if we are careful about the food we choose, our bodies take the nutrients and goodness from that food and distribute it around the body for the best purpose at the time.

I’m no scientist but I guess that has to be true. However, the body has a backup system of its own to help us. Forgive my ignorance of bodily functions but I understand that organs such as the liver, pancreas, kidneys, gall bladder and even the heart and lungs have a cleansing effect. They play a part in defending against and ridding the body of toxins and converting bad stuff into good stuff. In addition, we have a very efficient, 24-hour ‘waste disposal system’ which rids the body of material it doesn’t need. Now and again, we can even lend a hand by giving up certain foods and drinks for (say) Lent or even by going on a detox regime.

So what about ‘You are what you think’?

This line is equally true but this time we’re wide open; there is no filter system, nor any method for waste disposal. We can choose to carry waste thoughts (baggage) around with us all our lives. And beware that some will even try to dump their waste on you if you let them.

As Heraclitus wrote 2500 years ago, “The soul is dyed the colour of its thoughts. Day by day, what you do is who you become”

Each negative thought has to find a home somewhere, and if it goes unchecked it will simply lie there in your ‘Operating System’ like a virus. The great thing is that you can replace each negative thought with lots of positive ones. It’s like photography – you can produce loads of great photos from just one negative.

Who Do You Think You’re Talking To? 

Imagine the scene. A man (or woman) has been preparing long and hard on designing and delivering an important presentation. The words are all scripted, the big-picture message makes sense, the venue and props have all been carefully chosen and they’ve considered their choice of clothes and how it makes them look and feel. They then pop round to see their closest friend for a quick nerve-settling drink an hour before the event.

“You look terrible! Your hair’s a mess and your shoes look ridiculous. You’ve no right to be in front of all those people; you’re diction is poor; your speech is badly thought through and you’re so nervous that you’re bound to forget your lines. No doubt you’ll do something stupid like tripping up or knocking your glass of water over. I think everyone is going to laugh at you and you’ll have to run off stage in tears. I don’t know why you thought you could do this. You’re too old, too fat, too thick, too short, too local, too nervous, too inexperienced. Leave it to the professionals – pack it in now”

Would your best friend talk to you like that? Would you even let your fiercest critic talk to you like that? Of course not; it’s unacceptable. So why would we do it to ourselves?

Why do we talk to ourselves like this? Fearing the worst, planning for meltdown, catastrophising.

The next time it starts, ask the voice, “Who the hell do you think you’re talking to?”

Give it a silly voice (Donald Duck is good) and send it to a far away, less significant part of your body (like your middle toe of your left foot). Let it try, from down there.

Believe in yourself; you can do it.

In The Year 2525 

Fifty years from now (I know that’s only 2056, but as far as I know, no song’s been written about it), things will be different. Notwithstanding the changes due to global warming and the carve up of the world’s resources and services we’ll have moved on vastly in terms of technology. Cars (or the equivalent) will run on emission-free, carbon neutral fuel, TVs will not exist and we will have the power to transmit images and sounds onto any surface or via personal headsets or implant chips. Huge holiday villages will exist under invisible domes where climatic conditions can be chosen and manipulated by the paying guests to suit their needs. Both space and undersea travel will be commonplace.

But what about you? Assuming you haven’t died already, then is life a struggle or a thing of beauty? Do you wake up each day saying “Bring it on, another great day/week – all that fantastic change to enjoy”, or do you crash and burn at the end of each day, out of kilter with your work colleagues and family, cursing the lack of service, wishing for the old days and smouldering over your bad luck? Stop and think whether your attitude is serving you well.

If you have died, what did they say at your funeral?

“He was alright – don’t miss his constant moaning or mood swings though.”

Have a look at your tombstone or epitaph; how’s it read?

“Here lies Susan – very mediocre receptionist”

“In memory of Tom – he didn’t really do much”

We don’t control the future but we can shape it. Leave alone the things you can’t influence and set about working on the things you can. Determine how it’s going to be for you and those around you who share your world. What we do today, echoes in eternity.

As Voltaire once wrote, “All we can do is make our own garden grow”

Open Your Heart

“Anyone Who Had a Heart” sang Cilla Black many years ago. We all have a heart but some are Open and some are Closed.

When your heart is closed it’s simply 10 ounces of tissue and muscle pumping blood 100 thousand times a day, taking up a fist-sized space in your chest. It gets to be closed in people because they have been cold, negative and numb for so long that it ceases to do anything else but beat. Eventually those people start to go under – negative things begin to happen to them and around them. Although it’s said that ‘God breaks your heart until it opens’ (i.e. you have such bad things happen to you in life, that you eventually seek a new purpose); for some people – its too late.

People with Open Hearts put joy into everything they do. These people smile more, love their work and their friends, they see the funny side of situations and they don’t get stressed because they know (in their heart) that things will be different and better tomorrow.

You know when you’ve been with someone with an Open Heart because you feel it too. Imagine Customer Service provided with an Open Heart, imagine management and leadership delivered with an Open Heart, imagine Government deciding with an Open Heart; we wouldn’t need the words, just the action.

If you need proof on this, consider the scientific findings of the HeartMath Institute;

The brain works with the past and tries to affect the future – the heart is in the Now.

It pumps and radiates energy or it doesn’t. No conscience, no agenda, no negotiating; just energy for you and others to use and enjoy.

 

Russian Doll

There’s a new kind of Russian Doll on the TV at the moment featured on an advert (for Vodka I think). The woman/doll appears to be giving her pursuers the slip by reducing in size and manages to escape them just in time. The core of the doll ends up representing the vodka. Traditional Russian Dolls are just the same in that there are dolls within dolls, a bit like the layers of an onion, all the same excepting their size, until you reach the core. The core is solid and permanent whereas the outer dolls are hollow.

It strikes me that each of us is like a Russian Doll. You will have many layers which represent the different things that you do. People will know you by the same name in each instance but they represent different things like; Mother, Sister, Brownie helper, Work colleague, Girls’ night out organiser, Lover and so on. All through life you will be different things to different people but what’s at your core?

What description would be etched on your core doll a bit like the inside of a Fortune Cookie? What do you stand for; what one word would describe you best?

Optimistic, friendly, generous, lovable?

Pessimistic, guilty, moody, difficult?

Ask other people – if you care, they’ll tell you. Why not make a short list and get a dictionary or thesaurus, or both. Look up similar words and see if there are any more accurate than the first one you thought of – then look up the meaning, the etymology (or source) or the word. People send hours and hours looking up the meaning of babies’ names before the birth but then never see if the kid lives up to the billing (I believe Nigel means Chieftain by the way)!

This is your chance to look up the meaning first, and then adopt it as your core. Let other people know your chosen core and have them help you to live up to it. Here are a few examples;

Enthusiastic – Greek: en Theos, god within, inspired

Inspire – Latin: spirare, to breathe into

Courage – Latin: cor French: coeur for heart

Encourage – French: to give heart

Leader – Middle English: the way or road

Manager – Latin: Manus meaning hands/hands on

No Such Word 

“There’s no such word as can’t” - So said my Mum and Dad when I was young. It’s funny that when they used it in phrases such as “We can’t afford it” then it seemed to have some currency. I know what they were saying – It’s really about not letting people give in straight away through a negative attitude. Maybe instead of ‘no such word’ they could ask the youngster how they could rephrase it. “This is very difficult” or “I need a hand with this”.

Words can do things to your mind. It is said that the word ‘don’t’ is one that the mind cannot handle in the way we want it too. So expressions such as “Don’t drop that glass” immediately translate as “Drop that glass – don’t” to the hapless glass carrier. This is partly because we tend to think in pictures and also because we put the subject of the sentence first. So ‘Don’t drop that glass’ will often get you ankle deep in broken glass the same way that when a shop assistant says “No Problem”, I am taken to thinking why a problem would need to be brought into the conversation…

So talking in negatives doesn’t help a positive mind set; we actually bring about thoughts we wish to avoid – not good (!?!).

If ‘don’t’ is not good for you, how about Try? Now that really screws your brain.

Whilst you’re reading this, just try and touch your nose with your index finger (go on try it, no-one’s looking). Did you do it? I can guarantee that either you did or you didn’t. Outside of rugby, there's no use for the word try. As Joda said in Star Wars; “Do or do not, there is no try”

The same thing relates to should, could, might, oughta. These are words that will leave your mind confused. Replace these words with ‘will’ and watch your positivity and productivity soar.

 

Not So Unlike Humans

Nigel took me to London on Friday. We had a meeting with his new friend Andy at the British Museum and then an afternoon session with a great new client before returning home on the train. OK, I didn’t get a seat this time but it’s fairly comfortable on the luggage rack. I know I’m only a Laptop PC but I reckon I’ve got some elements in common with humans like you.

Somebody gave me an operating system when I was young and I have a motherboard which has shaped my behaviour and values I suppose. I’ve got a decent memory and I’m fairly knowledgeable, though in fairness my hard drive is rarely overworked on a daily basis. Nigel introduces me to new things all the time. I don’t get on with all the applications (as he calls them); most take a long time to really use them properly. I’ve gone wireless too – and that’s when things really took off for me, when I realised how important good communications were.

Cosmetically, I like to be as natural as possible. I don’t have many accessories but when we go out I do like to wear a nice black leather number with lots of straps and zips. People seem to think it’s quite smart and lots of other laptops prefer a similar outfit... I don’t do any exercise at all, but I don’t smoke or drink and luckily I’m naturally slim; about 15 inches at my widest point.

Nigel looks after me fairly well; he even cleans me from to time and makes sure I don’t succumb to any viruses and bugs.

So like most humans, I’m fairly happy. My life is spent mostly working, sitting around doing nothing and sleeping. One thing I wish I could do though is to jump off my desk, run around, punch the air and write down the fantastic goals and dreams I have. I just wish I had the power to inspire other people and to create change, take action and make brilliant things happen!

Oh well – I’ve just been on the Internet and I’ve read that only 15% of people set goals and take actions based on them anyway. I was shocked but I guess I’m not so unlike other humans after all.

 

The Extra Mile

Walk a mile in my tennis shoes. So said Elton John in one of his 70’s songs, “Midnight Creeper”. It was a song about being in love and growing up on the road.

North American Indians also have a very similar saying – ‘to really understand a man, you must walk a mile in his moccasins’. In both cases we’re talking about empathy.

Empathy is often held up as the zenith of a relationship whereby you get to know what the other person says and thinks and means when they are communicating with you. Empathic listening therefore is not just listening for the words, but the meaning behind the words too. To paraphrase Miles Davis again – ‘listening for what’s not there’. This is a valuable skill when Coaching and as a basis for giving feedback.

So what’s the Extra Mile?

In this case, I’d like to suggest that it’s the onus on the person being listened to. How many times have you ended a conversation by saying (or thinking) “Forget it, you don’t understand” or “You don’t get my point” or even worse “Whatever”? Where’s the empathy gone now?

As the person being listened to, we have a duty to go the extra mile and give the person useful feedback which helps them to understand. We could try disclosing something about ourselves at an emotional level; “When you do that, it makes me feel proud to be your colleague” or “When you said that, I felt you didn’t understand because…”

You will have heard people say late in life of an ex-partner “He never knew me” or “We never understood each other”.

Heaven forbid this should happen to us.

 

Out of Control 

Are there some people who just wind you up? I’m sure that there are sights and sounds and smells that you don’t like too. I don’t care to see people being cut open on TV (more and more common these days!), the sound of the Mike Sammes Singers (who used to introduce Sing Something Simple) or the smell of cooking kidneys; as in Steak and Kidney pie. I’m sure you have your own – they are usually connected to an emotion from the past which these senses very rapidly conjure up for you.

Obviously this can be useful. The amygdala in your brain is the part that reacts before you do in sensing fear or danger and triggers to fight of flight response. It then gives you physical signals that you can’t prevent nor ignore – such as a knotted stomach, feeling sick, hairs standing up on the back of your neck (or all three if it’s the Mike Sammes Singers).

However, there are everyday reactions that are not triggered in this way, but we have made them habitual by reacting in the same way every time they happen; rather like Pavlov’s dogs who salivated every time he rang a bell because they associated that sound with being presented with food.

So think about what you do when you’re just about to take off (or land) in an aeroplane; when you hear a favourite song; when you smell fresh coffee (or bread), when your partner looks at you in a certain way…

These might be unavoidable but they’re one step away from road rage.

We have a choice in how we react to people and we can train ourselves to exercise that choice more often. Why does this matter? Well it’s just that if you agree that you can’t do anything about it, then someone or something else is in control. If someone else is in control of your feelings (and actions) then you’re more susceptible to stress simply because you’re out of control.

Most people want to be happy; surely you’d want that decision to be in your control?

 

Mind The Gap

Regular readers of this column will know that whilst I continuously deal in optimism, I am just as quick to admit that things do go wrong. “Sh*t happens” as they no longer say in the States (for PC reasons best known to themselves). You will also know that it’s not what happens to you that forms your destiny but how you deal with what happens to you.

The equation we’re talking about is E+R=O. The E stands for the Event, the R is your Response and the O stands for Outcome. What you do in response to what happens will affect your outcome. And here’s the magic. Just before your Response is a Gap. A Gap that can be very long and large or a Gap that can be very quick and small. What you can do in that Gap is to choose your response. Will you blow up, or lose your temper, or cry or shout or lash out?

The Gap can be the little thing that makes the difference; it can even be ‘nothing’.

A number of modern day icons are icons simply because they leave out unnecessary stuff; less is more. Think of the IPod, a Lexus, Bang and Olufsen or even the Polo Mint. By just giving exactly what we need backed with quality they manage to make us happy every time.

But there are times when you need to listen for ‘nothing’. You may have asked your partner “What’s wrong with you?” “Nothing” is the reply, but it speaks volumes if you’re really listening. How many of us fill out Customer Survey/Questionnaires about service when we buy a product or are using a service? Not many, because the providers wouldn’t need them if they were really listening and observing. How many of us receive poor service in restaurants and shops but when we’re asked “How is your meal?” (before you’ve even taken a bite), we say “Fine”. Again they’re not listening. If you’re a supplier of a product or service how will you get to the real feedback?

As Miles Davis once said to a young musician learning about jazz, “Don’t play what’s there, play what’s not there

 

The Invitation

As this is the last TiBiDi Moment for 2006, I thought I would share one of my favourite poems about self awareness and relationships; two key ingredients for living. The poem is by Oriah Mountain Dreamer and it’s called “The Invitation”.

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.

I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it’s not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “YES!”

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments

 

No Waiting

“When you feel like you can’t go on. When your will’s sinking low. Just believe and you can’t go wrong. In the light, you will find a road”.

Most people with my taste in music will recognise the opening lines of ‘In The Light’ by Led Zeppelin. For those who don’t, try this proverb;

“The Darkest Hour is just before the dawn”

In both situations, all seems lost and in fact the worst always seems to happen just before it gets better. What they are really talking about to me is contrast. The contrast between darkness and light, between despair and hope - the contrast between Waiting and Doing.

Doing, or being, or believing (but often a combination of all three) is always better than waiting. Waiting contrasts with activity. Waiting is passive. Waiting for permission is asking to be told ‘No’. Put Waiting on your ‘Stop Do List’ (this is the opposite of your To Do List, but just as important)

When you’re waiting, what are you waiting for?

For things to become clearer? Your view becomes clearer not the thing itself.

For things to become easier? You make things easier; they don’t slacken on their own.

For other people to have a go first? This doesn’t make it any easier for you.

For fear to go away? It won’t move while you’re thinking about it.

Because you’re not quite ready? “Why not seize the pleasure at once? How often is happiness destroyed by preparation, foolish preparation” - Jane Austen

For it to become safer? “Too often, the opportunity knocks, but by the time you push back the chain, push back the bolt, unhook the two locks and shut off the burglar alarm, it's too late." - Rita Coolidge

Because you’re polite? Good things come to those who wait – but only the stuff left behind by those who hustle…

Once you have decided on your plan, “Just Do It” as they say at Nike.

 

Sleep on it

What’s the next letter in the sequence? O,T,T,F,F. If after a minute you cannot sort this out then why not resort to that Old Wives’ Tale and ‘Sleep on it’?

Indulge me; take part in my experiment and think about this problem just before you go to bed tonight and then see if your subconscious brain can work it out for you by the morning. (As an extra incentive the first two correct entries back to me on email can have a free ticket for a friend, colleague or family member to accompany them to the next TiBiDi ½ day sessions on 19th Jan or 22nd Feb!)

You may have heard of the myriad breakthroughs that people have made by using this method:

It is said that Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’ after the first 2 verses came to him in a dream, and that Jack Nicklaus came up with a new golf grip in his sleep. Einstein’s Theory of Relativity was inspired by dreaming about sledging down a hillside and watching the stars. Elias Howe invented the sewing machine needle when dreaming about being chased by cannibals with spears. Mendeleyev was able to write out the modern Periodic Table when he awoke from a dream about the phrases and connections in music. Stephen King wrote the opening of ‘Misery’ after a transatlantic flight to London. He got the initial idea whilst dozing on the plane, wrote it down on a napkin and following a restless night in London got up and wrote out the first 16 pages at a desk in the corridor of the hotel.

“Yes” I hear you say, “but that’s what these people do for a living. McCartney was obviously thinking about composing and King about writing”.

That’s the point. I’m convinced that the brain will take whatever you are thinking about last thing at night and then go to work on it. If it’s a problem you need to solve then that even better. If it’s an idea for your business or how to get your 14 year old to get more interested in maths then go for it.

There’s a down side too. The subconscious cannot understand what you want it to do and so if you’re worried about your car, you can’t expect your brain to start getting creative about your latest hobby. So give it a chance and read and write about your issue or passion just before you go to bed; you brain is more open to suggestion as you fall asleep. Try not to have watched the TV News or have visions from ‘Grand Theft Auto’ swimming through your head just before you retire. Give your brain a positive command about what you want and turn out the light; it only works

 

I should be so lucky

“If it wasn’t for bad luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all” This lyric is from the song ‘Born Under A Bad Sign’. I meet people who could wear this as a t-shirt all year round.

Are you a lucky person? Do you know any? I reckon 80% of people believe in luck and a good 50% of them think that good luck happens to others whilst they get all the bad breaks. “Just my luck; not my lucky day’ and so on.

What is that attitude doing to your outlook on life? Believing in luck is putting you under the control of other people and other occurrences. Believing in luck or fate or kismet is saying that all things happen for a reason and that you can’t control it. This is a form of fatalism that Top Performers don’t subscribe to. Top Performers will tell you that everything that goes badly is down to them. If they turn in a poor performance they will look for the things that they did wrong. Perhaps the key opportunity to see this is to watch an archery competition. Top archers know that they control all the variables and hence the outcome is down to them. Conversely, they know that good results are down to them as well. I find it slightly disconcerting to see top sports people such as John Terry, the England football captain, who rely on a string of superstitious rituals (as opposed to state changing actions), prior to an event. 

Robert Wiseman wrote a book called The Luck Factor which explains his view that there is no such thing as luck but that people who appear to be lucky, put themselves in a place where better things happen to them, all due to their actions and attitudes.

If you’re still sceptical, try thinking about luck as Karma. Karma is a Sanskrit word meaning ‘action’; it lies between desire and fulfilment and it can move your life forward or backward. So when you find yourself in a position you don’t want to be in, you can put it down to bad luck or to decide you wish to change your karma by doing something about it. Karma stays with you as long as you need it. Hence your action should be to look at yourself (not others), feel what is going on, then act. You’re now in new karmic pattern; not looking through a lens which describes the past

 

It’s not that difficult

Here’s a new paradigm. I was listening to a presentation recently in which the speaker used a phrase to describe something that he had to do at work which was becoming increasingly difficult – “It’s like searching for a needle in a stack of needles!”

Immediately I visualised that and realised that it would be tricky! However, it reminded me of something an Open University Lecturer told me 20 years ago when explaining the 80:20 rule. “Remember Nigel, when you’re searching for a needle in a haystack, you only need one sharp enough to sew with”

That’s about knowing your purpose and exactly what you’re looking for. However, even if you want “the” needle, its not so difficult if you get creative – What about taking a leaf-blower to the haystack (about the only use I can find for those crazy things… I thought we were supposed to be saving the planet?). What about using a big magnet? What about setting fire to the stack and leaving the needle intact? What about getting yourself a metal detector?

Back to purpose, when I ask people what they want from life they often retort; “I just want to be happy.” “What’s stopping you?” say I.

They then list the things they need to do or achieve before they can be happy. Guess what – they never seem to get round to the things that they need to do or get and happiness keeps eluding them. As the Beatles nearly said, ‘The best things in life aren’t things’.

Why don’t we just BE happy, or generous, or contented or whatever? The rest will take care of itself. Consider this massively empowering quote about inner quiet and achievement from Franz Kafka;

“You need not leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. You need not even listen, simply wait. You need not even wait; just learn to become quiet and still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself up to you to be unmasked. It has no choice; it will roll in ecstasy at your feet.”

 

Love what you do, Do what you love

I was describing TiBiDi to a lady at a business luncheon last week when she said to me, “Wow, you seem to really love what you do!”

“Yes”, I said, “It’s taken a large chunk of my life to get this working but I love what I do and I do what I love”

Once you get to that position then work ceases to become work and becomes a passion. I reckon that once you’re working with passion, you’re nearer to knowing your purpose. Why can’t we all feel like this?

Stephen King agrees. I was reading part of his book called “On Writing” this week and stopped at the line that goes like this;

“Talent renders the whole idea of rehearsal meaningless; when you find something at which you are talented, you do it (whatever it is) until your fingers bleed or your eyes are ready to fall out of your head. Even when no-one is listening, or reading, or watching; every outing is a bravura performance because you as the creator are happy. Perhaps even ecstatic.”

This is kind of love but for something rather than someone. And if that sounds weird, I reckon you can have both. In a poem I recently came across, ‘West Wind #2’ by Mary Oliver, she talks of not knowing what to do when young but understanding just to follow her passion when she is older. Look also for the loaded audio preferences in her prose. Enjoy.

You are young. So you know everything. You leap into the boat and begin rowing. But listen to me. Without fanfare, without embarrassment, without any doubt, I talk directly to your soul. Listen to me. Lift the oars from the water, let your arms rest, and your heart, and heart’s little intelligence, and listen to me.

There is life without love. It’s not worth a bent penny or a scuffed shoe. It is not worth the body of a dead dog nine days unburied.

When you hear, a mile away and still out of sight, the churn of the water as it begins to swirl and roil, fretting around the sharp rocks - when you hear that unmistakeable pounding – when you feel the mist on your mouth and sense ahead the embattlement, the long falls, plunging and steaming – then row, row for your life toward it.

 

Who Are Those Guys?

Last week I was training some Middle Managers and the talk of creativity emerged. I explained a few ways in which the delegates could explore their creativity in order to improve their personal productivity at work.

“That might be a bit scary for The Business” said one of the delegates.

“Who is that?” I said

“That’s was me, Colin” said the delegate.

“Sorry Colin. I meant who is ‘The Business’?”

“Erm, Senior Management I suppose” said Colin.

“Which of the Management specifically is against creativity Colin?” I asked.

“I don’t know them by name” he replied, “I just think that’s the culture of our Company.”

Have you come across this kind of Code before? There’s no such thing as ‘The Business’. It’s a collection of people just like me and you and Colin. Here are a few more examples of Code that you may be asked to decipher;

“Everyone’s got an MP3 player” “Nobody loves me” “You never give me any credit for my contribution” “I haven’t got anything to wear” “There’s not much call for Motivation skills in Nottingham”

If you can cut through the Code you have a chance of getting to a successful outcome. What’s more, once you know who and what and why then you have a chance of doing something about it.

In the film, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, the aforementioned were trying to outrun The Posse who had been assigned to catch them after their latest Bank Raid. Having tried their normal manoeuvres, they found this Posse still pursuing them. “Who are those guys?” asked Butch incredulously. He didn’t want to know their names - he just wanted to understand how they worked; in this case to outwit them.

How many of us don’t really know our Customers? Me for a start* Like you, I know them by name, but I don’t really know what makes them tick. Start to ask questions of the people in your Company and your Customers. Listen to the answers and start cracking some code.

* If you’d like to tell me what you really want from me, I’d love to hear from you.

 

All in a Night’s Work

Whilst wallpapering on Saturday afternoon, accompanied by Dean Martin at full bore (as you do), I was struck by the lyric in a song called “All in a Night’s Work”. When Dean was asked how he kept “winning” the ladies, he replied, “It took hours and flowers and wining and dining and telephone calling to get the pot to perk”

In other words it takes more than it seems to the casual observer.

Da Vinci once commented, “If people knew how hard I worked, they wouldn’t think I was such a genius.”

Three weeks ago my kids were wrestling in vain to open a large jar of home-pickled beetroot at the dinner table. Julius (13) took ages before handing it over to short effort from both 8-year-old girls. Finally Alison (11) picked it up and with a final red-faced effort, managed to pop the lid off. Her chance to be carried shoulder-high from the room in victory was only pricked by Julius who added, “That’s only because I weakened it for you first…”

For anybody who is seeing little or no progress with their business, their studies or a new relationship, remember that Rome wasn’t built in a day.

When my business had been going for 6 months, a colleague rang me and asked “How’s it going then?” I replied that I was confident that it would be successful but that things were taking so long. “I’m doing lots of networking and marketing and giving freebies but seeing false dawns and blind alleys; no real lift-off.”

My colleague replied, “Don’t worry. Believe in yourself. Imagine that each one of your meetings and free sessions is a penknife-cut in the thick rope holding your dreams to the ground. Each cut has an effect; you will get there strand by strand.

When you do, people will think you’re an overnight success!”

 

Missed It!

On Friday night I missed my train. Not just any old train but the last train to Nottingham from London. I had been working in Greenwich and had just undercooked the time it would take to get from there to St. Pancras on the DLR and the Tube. Frustratingly, I missed it by 2 minutes and could see it chugging out of the station as I stood there sweating and blowing having run from the underground at Kings Cross.

I had missed my chance to get home before midnight. I had missed my chance to sit in my seat 3a, (facing the direction of travel), missed the chance to sit in comfort for 2 hours listening to my IPod and missed the chance to be with Ann before she went to bed at about 11:30.

But I hadn’t lost. I hadn’t lost my sight like my Mum did at the age of 80. I hadn’t lost the joy of being able to play out in the street like my parents-in-law did as they were 7 years old when war broke out. I hadn’t lost the chance to be the first to break the 4 minute mile like John Landy or to act in Superman 5 like Christopher Reeve would love to have done.

For most of us, the things we miss out on are just setbacks; just chances to learn from and to do better next time. If we miss out on a role or a work opportunity, we can always try again. We don’t actually lose that often. Losing is final and doesn’t happen to us very regularly. As my dad used to say when I’d hurt myself either physically or mentally; “You’ll live”.

And what of my miss? As I’d spent Thursday talking to a client about Influencing Skills, it was my time to follow my own advice. I managed to convince a station attendant that she should let me take the Sheffield train and get off at Derby for no extra charge! From there it was a late night taxi and I arrived home only half an hour later than I had planned.

What doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger.

 

Are We There Yet?

Tucked away, somewhere in our subconscious, is a perfect vision. 

You and I are travelling by train. Out the windows, we watch the passing scenes of little girls and boys waving at the level crossings, cattle grazing in a lush meadow, row upon row of barley and corn, fields and valleys, mountains and rolling hillsides and cityscapes.

But uppermost in our minds is the final destination.  On a given day, we will pull into that station and nestle against the buffers.  A brass band will be playing. There will be bunting festooned on the platform and lots of people with flags, waving.  Once we get there, our dreams will have come true and the little pieces of our lives will fit together like a completed jigsaw.  Oh Joy!

Meanwhile we restlessly pace the aisles, cursing the minutes – waiting and waiting for the station. We cry, ‘When we reach the station, then that’ll be it!’  ‘When I’m 40.’ ‘When I buy a new BMW!’  ‘When I’ve put the last of my children through University.’  ‘When I have finished the mortgage and repaid all those endowments!’  ‘When I get my boss’s job,’  ‘When I reach 60, I shall live happily ever after!’  Sooner or later, we realise there is no station, no one place to arrive.  The true joy of life is the trip.  The station is only a dream.  It constantly outdistances us, just like the end of the rainbow.

‘Seize the Day’ is a great motto. But be prepared to roll with what ever it deals to you. It isn’t the challenges of today that drive you mad.  It is the regret over yesterday and fears about tomorrow.  These feelings rob us of today.

So stop treading the aisles and counting the miles.  Instead, go walking in the rain, eat more ice cream, make more daisy chains, go skinny dipping, catch more sunsets, laugh more and cry when you need to.  Life must be lived as we go. 

The station will come soon enough.

 

My Garden

Wednesday 4th October 2006 was my birthday, and quite a significant one at that. We put a lot of store by birthdays in our family so it was unusual for me to be working when I could have made the decision not to. However, I’d agreed to work on this day as a favour for my friend Roz, who was running a large event in the North West of England. However, as chance would have it, I was also working the next day in Leeds and so chose to go straight to Leeds and stay overnight in a hotel.

At about 8pm my kids called me and all wished me Happy Birthday over the phone. The last one to come to the phone was Isobel who is eight. After wishing me Happy Birthday she said, “Why aren’t you at home? You’re supposed to be at home with us on your birthday.”

Note Isobel’s choice of words; “supposed to be”. This is even stronger than “I’d like you to be”.

After they had hung up, I started to think why I wasn’t at home. I had decided that the travel was onerous and so chose to be away on this special night.

“Why can’t you come home?” Isobel had said. “Because I’m working I’m afraid” I said, weakly. “But why do you have to work?” questioned Isobel.

I didn’t answer that one but it did start me thinking about her question – that’s my job, to get money, to buy you things ( at this point it reminded me of a line from the Beatles song ‘Cant Buy Me Love’).

We spend a lot of our lives battling and fighting, and winning and losing, in order to relax and enjoy life at the end of the campaign. Metaphorically we are preparing so that one day we can “retire” and do more pleasurable things with our time such as enjoying pastimes, or our family, or our garden.

Reading a book in the restaurant that night, I found this poem by Antonio Machado called ‘The Wind, One Brilliant Day’;

The wind, one brilliant day, called to my soul with an odour of jasmine.

“In return for the odour of my jasmine, I’d like all the odour of your roses.”

“I have no roses; all the flowers in my garden are dead.”

“Well then, I’ll take the withered petals and the yellow leaves and the waters of the fountain.”

The wind left. And I wept. And I said to myself,

“What have you done with the garden that was entrusted to you?”

 

Advice

Last week one of my nieces, Rebecca, was telling me about the subjects she was studying post-GCSE. The subject of Shakespeare came up, specifically Hamlet, and just how difficult it is to study and make any sense of the play. I felt one of those “What you need to do” thoughts welling up inside me but decided to leave her to make her own progress and mistakes in pursuing her studies.

It’s tempting, especially when younger people talk to you about what they’re going through, to feel that they are asking you for advice. It’s true that sometimes they are; they’ve tried and failed with the options they can think of and want you to suggest another path. Sometimes they have thought of another option and are really coming to you for a second opinion. This is also very common in the workplace. Employees will often ask for advice when they know instinctively what they should do, but feel they need to check with somebody in charge first.

When I’m training people in the skills of Coaching, I find this is most prevalent. Managers and leaders find it hard not to butt in to the discussion and suggest what the Coachee should do. In most cases the suggestion is well meaning and is probably a good course of action but it will always lack the one true motivating feature; it is not the Coachee’s Idea. When the wheels fall off, or the going gets tough, the Coachee will think, “This was his stupid plan, not mine”.

Unsolicited advice is the worst of all. How many times have you found yourself resenting a person who starts off with, “Shall I tell you what you need to do?”, or “Do you want to know what I think?” and then tells you anyway.

When playing in Hamlet, actors will often want to play the part of Polonius because of the great speeches he delivers. One starts, “Neither a borrower or a lender be, for loan oft loses both itself and friend, and borrowing dulleth the edge of husbandry. This above all, to thine own self be true”. This is a father lecturing his son; a lecture that ultimately falls on deaf ears as what the boy really wants is to be wished bon-voyage and to be told that he is loved.  Hamlet later calls Polonius a tedious old fool and then kills him, not to the regret of the audience.

As Harry Enfield might have said, “Unsolicited advice? You don’t want to do that”

 

Synchronicity

Have you ever thought about telephoning somebody and just as you are looking up the number the phone rings and it’s them? Have you ever been in a meeting or a conversation when you and another person say exactly the same thing, at exactly the same time? When my kids do this they say “Jinx” (which when I was small was the name of a cartoon cat...); when we did it as kids we used to say “Shazam!” after the cartoon about two halves of a magic ring being put back together. So what are the chances of this happening? Five hundred thousand to one?

If you believe in luck then that’s probably how you would explain it. I don’t believe in luck, or fate or “Que sera, sera” and hence I need a better answer. Believing in luck puts you and your outcomes at the whim or chance of some other person or occurrence.

So, for things to happen together (syn), at the same time (chrono), takes some input from one (or both) of the parties and if this is the case, it might as well be you! My friend Paul McGee reminded me this week that “What you focus on, magnifies”. Does this mean that if you’re thinking about or acting toward something, it’s more likely to happen? Maybe – but it certainly means that you’re more likely to notice it happening; and if you’ve noticed it happening then you will have to attach a meaning to it.

The meaning you attach to anything is a 100% related to your beliefs about the event in question. So if you feel good about something or someone, you will go looking for “good” evidence about what has happened; and the obverse is true if you feel bad about them. We need to make the evidence stack up so that we can feel in control of our minds.

So if something happens that you find is amazing, go with it. Take action on it; pursue it for all it is worth rather than dismissing it as good luck or bad luck. Things that you could never have imagined will then fall into place to help you.

Shazam is trying to tell you something.

 

Can you feel the Force?

N’golo is a Congolese word for force -Vital Force. The Congolese also apply it to ego, libido, strength and status. However, it is not something you can buy or trade; equally you are not awarded it based on conquests or your position in society. Your n’golo is yours to have and yours to lose. The dead have no n’golo. As they say in Africa, the dead eventually “Die of Thirst” because they cannot get the n’golo that accompanies the first mouthful of whisky or palm wine.

In Zaire they said that Ali was the Vital Force but wondered if he would lose his n’golo if he lost his heavyweight bout against George Foreman in 1974. Ali said that the press had deprived him of his n’golo for the previous 10 years and he was here to take it back.

It strikes me that people in all walks of life and in all beliefs have such a Force.

For religious people it is their faith in their God. For Sci-Fi buffs it is literally the Force (the one that May Go With You) or The Ring. In historical novels and stories it is the Eixir of Life or the Grail that contains it. It can be nature itself (King Canute) or for scientists the force lies within the power of the Universe. Whatever your Karma or North Star most resembles; you can either go with it or rail against it. For most people it is self-belief and beyond that; Purpose.

Some people can’t say what their purpose is, others have never thought about it. All I know is that people with a purpose live their life differently from people who don’t.

What about you? What’s your Purpose? If that question is too big, what’s your Vital Force and how will you get it and keep hold of it.

 

 

You are not your performance

“What’s wrong with you?!” shouted a voice from behind. “What do you mean?” said another fan spinning round to see who was shouting at him. “You’re wearing a Hargreaves Shirt” said the shouting man. “But that’s my surname” said the fan…

This incident took place during the England v Trinidad and Tobago game on June 15th this year. At the time, Owen Hargreaves was England’s least favourite footballer; in fact his Mum and Dad recall sitting in the stands in horror as their son was introduced as a substitute in the Paraguay game and a section of the crowd booed their own player.

Owen Hargreaves was aware of this attitude at the time but remembers his Mum’s advice; “Just ignore it son. It’s easier for you because you can do something about it -on the field, making tackles and working hard. Your Dad and I have to sit here and listen to it every time we come to see you.”

And so it is in life; we can either ignore people who attack us and get on with our jobs or our lives. We can go on to the next customer or audience and make the choice of what to do with their feedback. Spare a thought for the people who feel powerless to change – the people who feel they have to sit there and take it from a spiteful colleague, an overbearing relative, a hurtful boss or a cruel partner.

An ex work-colleague of mine once gave me a great piece of advice when I was struggling to deal with some feedback from another manager from the Sales Department.

She said “Remember Nigel, you are not your performance”. 10 years later, I know fully what she meant. I did something that someone else felt was poor, but I was still the same person inside. I was capable of doing the same thing again or I could choose to do something different.

Owen Hargreaves is now one of the fans’ favourites. By being himself and working hard at what he does best, he has changed the view of the people who once disliked him so much.

 

Addiction

I was lucky enough to be invited to work in New York last week and in my free time I took a walk alongside the Hudson River near Greenwich Village. Whilst I was strolling along I was arrested by a sign on the side of the path. The sign caught my eye for 2 reasons; the first was that it said ‘Trapeze School of New York, 20 metres’.

Sure enough there was an outdoor and an undercover rig complete with flying trapeze and they were putting a set of novices through their first lessons. When I got to the site, a woman had just dismounted to great applause and then broke down with emotion as she had attempted and completed “the impossible”. Despite being held up by a safety wire, the people brave enough to attempt this feat were 40ft in the air and had to make a grab for a trapeze from the one they were swinging on.

As I watched, another middle aged man was gingerly climbing the ladder to the rig and then gripped the platform as the trainer fitted and adjusted his harness…

The second (and main) reason I noticed the sign was the strap line used by the Company to advertise their event – “Forget the Fear, Worry about the Addiction”.

Fear is an emotion which is tied to a thought; we can’t feel fear without having something in our heads – no-one walks around simply being frightened all the time. The people who were climbing the rig were choosing to overcome that fear in some way and that’s something we all do on a regular basis.

But here lies the rub; having overcome the fear, we are left with consequences – in this case the owners understand that the rush of overcoming fear is so great that you will want to do it again and again. I believe that this is true of a number of things in life though they are not always as big or as positive as the Flying Trapeze.

The consequences of a number of our everyday thoughts and actions are habits such as positive (or negative) attitudes. Repeated over time they could become an addiction – something over which you have no control.

It’s worth understanding that the attitude you choose will reflect in your life and will ultimately determine the decisions you make every day.

 

What If?

Twenty One today! Will you go to your fridge and help me celebrate 21 TiBiDi Moments with a bottle of Champagne, Sparkling or Chilled White Wine? I’m sure you have one in there…

A friend of mine once advised me always to have something on hand to celebrate with; this could be a bottle of fizz, or chocolates or whatever you prefer. The point is that you have it ready. If you do, you are ready to celebrate – if you don’t then celebrating (or rewarding others) becomes a chore that you have to prepare for. What’s more, if you are constantly thinking “What If something suddenly happens that I need to celebrate?” - then something will suddenly happen. You know how this works by now.

But there’s another side to What If. In fact a friend said to me as I was just bringing out the first TiBiDi Moment, “What If you run out of ideas - shouldn’t you be only writing one per month?” “What If you start to get stale creatively?”

This side to What If is the side I used to have to do when I was in Corporate IT roles, Contingency-Planning-What-If. We need a Plan and we need a Plan B, and a Plan C in case Plan B goes wrong. And we need to religiously test Plan B to death just in case we ever need it. And we have to cater for every scenario under the sun e.g. what if an aeroplane crashes into the building? Hence we had back-up tapes offsite at our other building. Someone even once asked, what if the aeroplane just skims (and destroys) the top of our building (on the flight path to Luton Airport) then goes out of control and crashes into the other building???

Guess what - we never had Champagne in the Company Fridge and we never had to use the Contingency Plan either and even when we tested it - it didn’t work. Clive Woodward, the ex England Rugby Coach used to ban What If – he said that if the players had prepared properly and executed their job effectively, negative What If does not exist.

Then there’s the other What If, the Honda type of creative-What-If. What do you think will happen if we give it a try? What If we could invent something that Customers will love? What If we follow our hearts and truly perform in your job and your social life? As they once said in the One Hundred Acre Wood;

Piglet: "Rabbit, is that you?"

Rabbit: "Let's pretend it isn't and see what happens."

 

Outperforming

I was preparing for an upcoming event with a colleague of mine last week when we started to discuss how the audience may react to a certain piece of creative Learning that we intended to try out for the first time. I guess my nervousness was because the audience is going to be an international one and they will be made up of directors and the like; hence we could not be sure of their reaction to these methods and techniques. When I aired my concern, my colleague said “It will work, because they will be in a state where they want to learn – we need to get them to understand that as learners, that outranks how they currently see themselves”

I pushed my colleague to explain what he meant by this statement and he explained it as follows.

When you have an audience or a customer, client, subordinate, friend then they have a certain view of themselves. In work, this normally carries a title; administrator, team leader, manager, leader, director and so on. Even on a social basis, people carry labels as well as their name e.g. dad, auntie, godmother, scout leader, team captain and the like.

Our job as friends, coaches, providers and facilitators is to find out what people aspire to be. If they don’t know, to help them explore what that could be because this bigger view will dictate how much they can learn.

People will often say “Oh, I’m just a sales manager, I’m just a teacher”. On one level they’re right but on another level they could express those jobs as “the person who gets people to buy from our company” or “the person who opens up future possibilities for thousands of children” It’s just like the guitarist in Spinal Tap who believed that he was the loudest because his amplifier dial was designed to go up to 11, rather than 10.

You may be thinking, how is this relevant to me? Well, if you want to be the best you can be, think of yourself as a learner, not as a job title. The reason is that you can never outperform how you see yourself. Hence if you see yourself as a director, you’ll only be as good as a director. If you see yourself as a learner

 

What goes around…

The story goes that in the States a man ordered an expensive BMW and had stated all his options in writing (colour, extras, delivery options etc) and the car was delivered to his home as requested. Having signed for the car, he later found out that option of having a Coin Holder instead of the Ashtray had not been observed. He rang BMW to ask when they might be able to fix this oversight. They said that as he’d signed for the car, they’d have to book it in as a payable job and could he please bring it into the dealership. Annoyed at this response, he rang a couple more similar car companies such as Mercedes, Lexus etc to see what their policy would have been in this instance so he might put some more “pressure” on BMW.

About 2 hours later an engineer turned up to the man’s house and said he’d come to fit the coin holder. “Aha!” said our man, “its amazing how fast you leeches turn up when I start getting other Companies involved. I wondered what it would take to get BMW to respond”

“Excuse me sir” said the engineer “I’m not from BMW, I’m from Lexus. We heard about your problem and knowing that these are a standard size I’ve brought a coin holder and I can replace it in your car for free, right now. It’s what we call Service”

 

When I heard this story I started taking an interest in Lexus and noticed that their Car Badge looks like a boomerang. Have a look yourself next time you see one. Now I don’t know if that’s supposed to be like that and I can’t find anything about it on their corporate websites but it strikes me that if you’re willing to give, then it will be returned to you (just like a boomerang).

If you want people to trust you, you have to trust them. If you want people to do a favour for you, you could start by doing a favour for them. If you want people to be loyal to your Company, start by giving them 6-star, unconditional Service. Not just to the big hitters, or people who pay for “Premium Service”, but to everybody.

 

Just For Kids

Like many other people nowadays, I choose to watch movies at home on our DVD player and with our “Home Theatre” sound. OK, it’s not the real thing, but neither do I get mobile phones going off and people talking throughout the movie!

But, having lots of kids, when we do go to the cinema, it tends to be films like The Incredibles and Chicken Little that we enjoy. These are 2 great films for kids but both carry a serious message for us too.

In Chicken Little, the young Chicken witnesses something that nobody else saw and is ridiculed for his belief. Most of us would laugh this off but Chicken Little kept plugging away and confronted his Dad about his belief. Eventually his Dad promised he’d stand by him and believed in his version of events (that a piece of the sky had fallen in…)

As the film progresses, Chicken Little again goes out on a limb, trying to prove his theory is true. Again, no-one believes him and he turns to his Dad for support but is let down in public. He not only needed his Dad to believe in him, but to actually follow through.

As Jim Valvano once said “My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could ever give another person, he believed in me”

In The Incredibles, everyone has a super power. Some citizens can lift huge weights, others can shrink their bodies, others can avert disasters through thought and so on. However, if everyone is incredible then everyone is normal; they just have different powers.

And so it is. We are all the same, yet we all have something different. You will be better at some things than others. I regularly speak to audiences of over 100 people and yet there are thousands of things I can’t do as well as others. As Graham Taylor once said “It pays to remember that you are not quite as good, or as bad, as people say you are”

But, remember that to someone, you will appear to be super human. You are the best in the world at something – you just might not know what it is yet.

 

AAA Dad

Not my words this week but a special message for Fathers’ day…

For 52 years my father got up every morning at 5:30 a.m., except Sunday, and went to work. For 52 years he returned home at 5:30 p.m., like clockwork, for dinner at 6:00 p.m. I never remember my father taking a "night out with the boys," nor do I ever recall my father drinking. All he asked from me as his daughter was to hold his hammer while he repaired something, just so we could have some time to talk to each other.

I never saw my father home from work ill, nor did I ever see my father lay down to take a nap. He had no hobbies, other than taking care of his family.

For 22 years, since I left home for college, my father called me every Sunday at 9:00 a.m. He was always interested in my life, how my family was doing, and I never once heard him lament about his lot in life. The calls even came when he and my mother were in Australia, England or Florida.

Nine years ago when I purchased my first house, my father, 67 years old, spent eight hours a day for three days in the 80-degree Kansas heat, painting my house. He would not allow me to pay someone to have it done. All he asked, was a glass of iced tea, and that a hold a paint brush for him and talk to him. But I was too busy, I had a law practice to run, and I could not take the time to hold the paint brush, or talk to my father.

Five years ago, at age 71 again in the sweltering Kansas heat, my father spent five hours putting together a swing for my daughter. Again, all he asked was that I get him a glass of iced tea, and talk to him. But again, I had laundry to do, and the house to clean.

Four years ago, my father drove all the way from Denver to Topeka, with an eight foot Colorado Blue Spruce in his trunk, so that my husband and I could have a part of Colorado growing on our land. I was preparing for a trip that weekend and couldn't spend much time talking to Daddy.

The morning of Sunday, January 16, 1996, my father telephoned me as usual, this time from my sister's home in Florida. We conversed about the tree he had brought me, "Fat Albert," but that morning he called the tree "Fat Oscar," and he had seemed to have forgotten some things we had discussed the previous week. I had to get to church, and I cut the conversation short.

The call came at 4:40 p.m., that day, my father was in the hospital in Florida with an aneurysm. I got on an airplane immediately, and on the way, I thought of all the times I had not taken the time to talk to my father. I realized that I had no idea who he was or what his deepest thoughts were. I vowed that when I arrived, I would make up for the lost time, and have a nice long talk with him and really get to know him.

I arrived in Florida at 1 a.m., my father had passed away at 9:12 p.m. This time it was he who did not have time to talk, or time to wait for me.

In the years since his death I have learned much about my father, and even more about myself. As a father he never asked me for anything but my time, now he as all my attention, every single day.

 

What doesn’t kill you

Looking out from the Café of the Sea Life Centre in Blankenberge on the Belgian coast, things are looking decidedly grim. Its 9 degrees when it should be 19, the northerly wind is cutting through cagoules and the chance of time on the beach is put back another day. My mind drifts to people who are ending their holiday today and have to catch the ferry back to the UK; and fishermen who have to brave this stuff whatever the weather.

The next day the rain is non-stop. My knowledge of card games suitable for kids is starting to creak; I reckon on them not seeing the attraction of Montana Red Dog without having to bet their own Euros and I’m right. It all ends in tears. I’m reminded of an expression I once heard from an inspirational speaker “There’s no such thing as bad weather, just inappropriate clothing”, but even that doesn’t cut it with the kids. Man, they’re a tough audience, but my mind drifts to people who have children who need constant attention.
Our last day is a little better and we brave the beach for 2 hours. Returning to the car; disaster strikes. The clutch is broken and the services of the RAC are invoked. A three hour wait confirms the worst; we have to be towed back to our holiday home.
Worse still the organisers tell us that we have not booked for Friday and should have left our apartment this morning! After negotiating they let us stay one more night. Just briefly it makes you think of people who don’t have a roof over their heads.
Saturday is a 12 hour travelling day. Three sets of drivers towing us and our stricken vehicle, either side of the Channel. From Dover to Nottingham I chat with the guy who drives recovery vehicles at weekends and school holidays as his new job as a pre-school teacher doesn’t pay what his wife and five kids need. We get home at 9pm; he turns straight round and drives back to Kent. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
Back in the Café as the rain drives horizontally at the window, a group of physically disabled French kids are beside themselves with glee at the prospect of seeing penguins and otters.

On the side of the Ice Cream machine it says “Summer is a state of mind”.

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

This week, a friend asked me where I get all my ideas from. Aiming to be humble I said that I didn’t really know…. but I do.             

I read a lot of books and magazines about motivation and self belief, creativity and learning and it figures that those are the areas I will draw connections from.

At the moment I have challenged myself to create a brand new talk for the Professional Speakers Association in Manchester on the 6th June. That’s now only 11 days away and I’m on holiday most of that time. However, I understand how my creativity works and it’s a technique you might want to learn.

First of all, think briefly about the area you want to create. Then do something boring; go for a run, wash the car, have a bath, go for a long drive (not all at once). You will then find that your brain will create options for you. Stick them down on paper (on a PC etc) and leave it. I’ll come back to that later.

When I am talking or running TiBiDi events people will often say to me afterwards (or before or during the event) “I know all this”. They don’t realise that it’s what you do with it that counts. Others will say “Yeh, yeh; we had a self-belief guy in last year, but we didn’t see a business benefit.” It seems that if they didn’t get instant promotion or millions of pounds on the bottom line then forget it. Sometimes you have to this more than once. Like the time I told my friend that Match Of The Day was on TV and he said “It’s alright, its been on before”.

Before we go back to the notes you’ve made; go and wash your hair. You’ll find the answer on the shampoo bottle – Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

Now go back to the notes you made and start to assemble what you’ve got. Having rinsed the old thoughts away and having the discipline to leave it alone, you will get new thoughts and uses for your ideas. As Jack Black says “It only works”.

I could have turned down the chance to speak at the North West PSA because I didn’t have time to think of something new – but you know me better than that.

In the words of John Greenleaf Whittier, “For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, ‘It might have been.’

 

Sheila Take a Bow

In a week when an 11-a-side final was all about just 2 players, it got me thinking about all the people in my life these past 5 days who get no recognition.

The back room staff in the hotel in Sedgefield; the people who helped me put the course together for Thursday; the small group of college students in the TiBiDi audience who contributed but never said anything.

The people in Ocean’s 11 apart from Clooney and Pitt; Jamie Cullum’s backing group and all the people who made his DVD; the 2 guys wiring up the marquee in the pouring rain 3 days before the event. All silently played their part, and played it very well.

I’m not advocating that these people step forward and received public thanks-yous. Heaven knows – my wife works her nuts off all week and gets no thanks from me or the kids (she’s no good at receiving thanks anyway) – she just wants some recognition.

Consider the Dog Sled Team. There’s always a lead pair of dogs; well you couldn’t have them all run 8 abreast could you? Note that the lead dogs are not the strongest but they are the ones that the other dogs will happily follow. Behind them are the point dogs, apprentices if you like, watching and learning from the lead dogs. At the back are the wheel dogs that create the power and drive and directly respond to orders to speed up and slow down. In the middle are swing dogs who keep it all together. Usually a mix of age, experience and youth and attitude, they learn from each other and keep each other going. The good sled driver recognises all their contributions and knows how far they can be pushed and how they like to be praised.

Deepak Chopra can prove that we all exhale and inhale matter which makes up other things over time. Thus you are made up of what others have exhaled. China used to be Portugal. Everything is just “matter” and it’s constantly changing place and time. As John Lennon put it; “I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together”

You can’t have shade without light, you can’t have Polos without holes, you can’t have foreground without background. Sometimes you lead; sometimes you’re background.

For all people who just do it – Thank You.

 

Daddy Cool

Not unusually for me, I was wandering round Charity Shops last week looking for incidental music to use in my Training Courses. Hence on Friday, I was listening to a New Soul/R&B CD whilst cooking dinner in the evening.

My 11 year old daughter came into the room. We danced briefly and she went out again.

Suddenly my 13 year old boy arrived in the kitchen and said, “Stop trying to be cool Dad.”

“I wasn’t” I replied, though I decided it was best not to mention the Treetops Hospice…

“Anyway, what stops me from being cool?” I asked, probably clutching at straws.

“You don’t wear cool clothes – and don’t even think about trying to.”

I wasn’t thinking about that. I was thinking about the people I think of as cool. Thierry Henry, Tiger Woods, Clint Eastwood, Miles Davis, Kofi Annan…

I asked my partner (who’s also cool) and she came up with a different list. In fact 2 of the people on her list are described in Red Magazine as “hot” so where does that get us?

“So what do cool people do for a living Jules?” I asked.

“Nothing” he replied. “They Chill” (what is this obsession with temperature all of a sudden?)

Hmmm. It seems then that nowadays, being admired is linked with not doing anything. Worse than that; it’s linked with complete indifference, manifested in the use of the risible response of “what-ever”

On reflection, I like to think that my list is made up of people who exhibit seeming effortless mastery of their particular field but who keep moving on to create something new. I guess I aspire to be cool in the same image.

What’s your image of cool and is it really something you aspire to be?

 

 

A Million Abilities

On Saturday morning I was listening to a guy on Radio 5 interviewing an athlete. The interviewee was a South African who runs in the 400 metres. His personal best time is 47.34 seconds. Is that fast? It sounds good to me but I can’t be sure of the current record for that distance. It turns out that this time would have won the Olympic gold medal at every Olympics up to 1936. But not that fast nowadays…

So why are Radio 5 talking to this guy? It turns out that his name is Oscar Pistorius, and he’s one of the favourites in this week’s Paralympics in Manchester. They call him the fastest man on no legs. When I say ‘no legs’ I mean that they’re carbon-fibre prosthetic limbs from the knee downwards.

“So, Oscar”, says the interviewer, “what’s your attitude toward disability?”

God – talk about going for the jugular mate, what’s he going to say to that one?

“Most people focus on the problem” replied Oscar. “You may have one disability, but you also have 1 million abilities – 1 million things you’re good at. Most people are looking at the wrong things. I have decided to concentrate on what I’m good at and let the rest take care of itself.”

How many times do we think about the one thing that could ruin our day, evening, week, our relationships, or chances of success? How easy do you find it so say “That’s just one thing in a million. Let’s just think of all the things that are going to go well today.”

Oscar Pistorius is just 19 year old and has a lot to learn about life. By the time he is 40 he’ll know that he can’t go around looking on the bright side and concentrating on positives. Or maybe he’s just one in a million who has got it right…

 

Do the Right Thing

Its ten-past five in the morning and I’m in a car park in Peterborough in the clothes I wore yesterday, but no socks. Oh, the pleasures of life on the road! It’s light, but it’s raining. I’m not the only one either; there must be 60 of us - business people clutching their laptops, builders with their Bosch Cases, and a group of 12 year old girls in Bratz pyjamas.

“Mr Wilkins? Mr Wilkins?!” calls out the Manager in his Hi-Vis jacket.

“Miss er.. Wasimabullaher – is that right?” The school party erupts into fits of girlish giggling.

This is a fire evacuation. It’s the Travel Inn Manager’s first evacuation (he announces this later). By this time, we have exhausted the roll call by name and have gone on to do a cross-check using room numbers instead.

“24! Who is in 24?” It seems nobody is in 24 until one of the Manager’s underlings is despatched to bang on the window of a nearby car. 24 has decided that he can stay warmer and dryer in his vehicle.

Half an hour later, the firemen are satisfied that this is ‘faulty electrics in the panel’ and we all troop back in. Except for the guy who decided during the roll call to drive away without answering his name; Mr Wilkins we assume.

Back in Room 51, it’s ten to six and I reckon that I can’t get back to sleep and in any case I have to get up in 50 minutes. I decide to listen to a recoding of Martin Luther King’s “I Have A Dream” speech that I will be referencing later that day.

If you get a chance to listen to the whole thing without interruptions, you may find that the content is not all about his Dream; this kicks in about 2/3rds of the way through. Most of the speech is asking the Government to make good on its promises, asking black people to remain calm but believing and that all parties should realise that each other’s success is inextricably tied up with everyone else’s. He asks the assembled crowd to go back home and have faith.

In short, King is asking us to do exactly what the Travel Inn Manager was doing that morning. He is not asking us to change but to live up to our beliefs. Yes we can make money, get ahead of the next guy, look more beautiful than him or her, beat the fire drill - but we all last a lot longer if we live up to our beliefs and Do The Right Thing.

 

Putting a number on the Good News

They say (whoever ‘they’ are), that Bad News comes in threes.

This may or may not be true, but if you think it is, it will be.

What happens is that things happen in life and we decide to attach meaning to them. So you might break a mirror or have an accident and decide that this is bad news or that you are unlucky. This is just the meaning you have added to an everyday occurrence.

All would be fine except that we now add the knowledge that Bad News comes in threes. So now we’re actively looking for something else to happen; either because;

Clearly, this is nonsense; but your brain doesn’t know that. It’s not aware of good luck, bad luck, superstition or old wives’ tales. All your sub-conscious mind will do is work to bring about the things you are thinking about. Furthermore it will help you formulate your thoughts into pictures, sounds and compelling visions and will then store them as history (the brain stores all things as memories as it can’t store a future thought).

So once you’ve decided that Bad News comes in threes, bingo. The rest is history – literally.

“So what can I do about it Nige? I’ve got years of conditioning toward Bad Luck stacked up here. My Mum and Dad told me this from an early age; this is going to take some time if I can do it at all…”

(“There you go again with them negative waves” – Kelly’s Heroes)

 Try this. What number does Good News come in? 7s, 26s, 2548s?

You are probably receiving good news all day long. It’s just that your brain’s receiver (Reticulating Activation System) is not programmed to notice it because it’s looking for the Bad News.

Put a number on it today – make it up, your brain doesn’t know – and just watch the difference!

 

Looks like Hard Work

About 3 weeks ago, my wife and I were out for a jog. We had dropped the kids off at school and decided we’d go straight from the there for a brief run. Neither my wife nor I are particularly peaking fitness-wise right now! I am choosing to put a lot if work into our business at the moment and my wife is getting over a major operation that she had to have in October last year. Nevertheless, we were Lycra’d up and out there!

When we had completed our 20 minutes, and as lapsed runners, we know the value of stretching and warming down. Hence we were in mid-stretch (against a pub wall in Derby) when a man came along, walking his dog.

“That’s looks like hard work” he said, “I’d pack it in if I we’re you!”

I’m sure this man meant well but I wondered what he was really thinking. The words if I we’re you could literally mean “I wouldn’t be able to do that”. However, depending on the ways it’s delivered it normally means “In my opinion you ought not to be doing that”.

I mentioned this thought to Ann and she said;

“That’s nothing. When I had Chloe and Isobel (our twin daughters) people used to stop me when I was pushing the double buggy and say things like;

You’ve got your hands full…

That looks like hard work…

You’ve got your work cut out…

Rather you than me…”

No doubt these comments were meant to be supportive but very rarely did anyone say “Twin girls – how happy you must be!”

We throw away our comments so lightly – and people often need support when you least expect it. Think positive and make both people happy.

Happy Easter

 

Focus and the Monkey Mind

 

Almost exactly two years ago, I found myself playing Pitch and Putt on a cool spring day with my kids and their Grandparents. I was standing over my ball with the usual paraphernalia; 7 iron, putter, 6 scorecards, 6 pencils, tickets, coats, hats and an umbrella. On the other side of the green, one of my twin-daughters, Chloe who was just about to turn 6 years old, was sizing up a 15 foot putt. Despite being the width of a decent sized living room from the hole, Chloe gave it her best shove. Off the ball skidded, jumping and bobbling over the muddy patches and the nascent spring grass, rolling and rolling until finally it plopped into the hole.

I immediately had memories of Terry Wogan sinking an unfeasibly long put 10 years earlier on Pro-Celebrity Golf on TV. I ran over to Chloe, picked her up and said “Hey Chloe. That was fantastic. You’re the man! What a shot. Brilliant! How did you do that?”

“I aimed for the hole, Dad. What are you aiming for?”

What was I aiming for? Yes, I was trying to get it into the hole but I had a Monkey Mind that day. This is a condition which Eastern Guru’s use to describe people in the West. Minds that cannot concentrate on one thing, but instead are busy, scratching and chattering and jumping about. That day in Harrogate, I was not really taking it seriously. I had to think about all sorts of things like the cost of the tickets, and the state of the muddy ground, and the cold, and not dropping the coats, and where there was a toilet, and an ice-cream van, and whose Go it was, and “Dad, look at me…”

Chloe was focussed. She was thinking only of getting the ball to the hole. You can call it luck (I don’t do Luck; more of that later) but I call it focus – the ability to concentrate totally on one thing. That’s One Thing. It’s not possible to focus on two things; even cameras use a weighed system for centre focus. Focus is where 2 points converge to a sharp point. Either in focus, or not.

Think about your objectives, your To-Do-List, your goals or your life and give them your best shot and total focus. As the US Military say, “Hope is not a strategy”.

 

 

Follow Your Heart

Dick Fosbury was nothing special.

OK, he won a Gold Medal in the High Jump at the 1968 Olympics, but he was told by countless people at Oregon State University that he would never be more than a mediocre track and field athlete.

In the early 60’s there were two methods for the High Jump; the Scissors (the way kids might attempt to clear a 2 foot fence) or the Straddle (rolling over the bar, face down). In 1963 the World Record for the High Jump stood at 2.28 metres, this being held by a Russian using the Straddle method.

Fosbury couldn’t master either method, but he told his Coach that he had his heart set on being the best he could be. So thanks to his perseverance, and a paradigm change in the design of the landing mats (watch for “Synchronicity” in a future Moment) he was able to win Gold 5 years later using The Fosbury Flop – leading to the bar back-first; the method favoured by all jumpers to this day.

My Dad used to say to me, “Put your back into it (lad)” – maybe that’s where Fosbury got the idea from (the back bit, not my Dad).

I prefer to think that he took his inspiration from a quote by Norman Vincent Peale that I came across this week, “Throw your heart over the bar and your body will follow”. Hmmm…

Instead of following conventional wisdom and being mediocre, Fosbury followed his heart and was the best he could be. Why don’t you follow yours?

 

Goals and Annette

What’s your least favourite lesson from school? Mine was double Physics.

Firstly we had to carry around a Physics text book which was the biggest I’ve ever seen and secondly, I just didn’t get the subject. Not unlike Latin, I couldn’t see how I was going to use it later in life (though I’m sure Boyle’s Law has its everyday uses).

Looking back, the one lesson I could have done with is double “Self Belief” or “Goal Setting”. Given the reliance on Management By Objectives nowadays, its amazing that the acronym SMART was never covered either. (If you’d like to know better goal-setting acronym, drop me a line).

 

It’s now almost universally accepted that Goal-Setting is a good thing.

There are countless pieces of research that points to high achievers (in all fields) being the ones who set goals for themselves and yet how many people do it? I include Goal Setting in a number of my courses and usually throw in the comment, “How are you going to score if you don’t have a Goal?”

This year I bought a second hand book chronicling the Daley Thompson story in his heyday. Stories about Thompson’s work ethic are legendary but one thing he wrote in the book made me sit up and think. He says that in order to achieve something, we have to give something up in return (is this Physics?). For example if you want to get fit, you might have to join a gym (£) and allow time to do it when you might have been doing something more “pleasurable”. A number of people set about their goals only to find there’s a conflict between what they want and what they have to give up to get it or what others have to lose in order for them to get it. Have a look at your goals this week and check this out.

 

PS After one of my Project Management courses, I asked for key learnings from the 2 days. One guy said “I remember that if you want to score, you need a net”. Who’s she?

 

Dreams and Support

I really enjoyed watching the Winter Olympics last month and was lucky to catch coverage of the Games Highlights Programme on TV just prior to the Closing Ceremony. One of the people highlighted was a Canadian Skier who said that his victory was a moment he’d been dreaming about for 18 years (that’s maybe a quarter of his life).

Notice also the choice of words, not aspiration or wish or thought; but Dream. To dream you must also visualise (does anyone just dream a soundtrack?) and it seems that what you think about and visualise - repeatedly and on purpose, is what you can be.

As Heraclitus said about fifteen hundred years ago, “The soul is dyed the colour of its thoughts. Day by day, what you do is who you become”

There’s something else to watch out for this week as the Commonwealth Games commence in Melbourne. See if you can witness some live coverage shortly after someone wins Gold in an individual event. Hopefully, a commentator will ask a breathless competitor how they came to win. Shortly into the interview the Champion will thank one of three people – his or her Coach, or Mum, or Dad. Not the sponsors, his or her competitors, the TV station, their host Government but their Coach or their parents.

Why? These are the people who believed in them, who carried their dreams as carefully as the competitor, who never waned in their unconditional support.

If you can’t be a winner, be the person a winner can’t do without. If you want a friend, be a friend; if you want your kids to respect you, respect them. Help someone who needs you.

 

Success and Failure

In Tiger Woods’ book, “How I Play Golf” he says that the ability to recall good shots and the ability to let go of failure is the key to the Mental Game. Sadly this runs contrary to the lessons we have learned so far in life.

You may remember the feedback you received at school; you put effort into your homework and sometimes you will have done it really well. However, the feedback usually consisted of a mark from the Teacher as well as red ink highlighting the mistakes you had made. I never came across a teacher who underlined all the correct sentences.

Even now it appears that most of the population is fascinated by reality TV shows in which the weaknesses of the competitors are highlighted and the hapless “loser” is then voted off the show. For some people the best part of the programme is hearing Alan Sugar or Donald Trump say “You’re Fired!”

I regularly meet people on Training events who expect all feedback to be negative; indeed on Programmes such as Presentation Skills they even say “OK, tell me what I’m doing wrong”.

Winners’ brains work differently. Tiger Woods and Clive Woodward both look to accentuate the positive.

With the England Rugby team, Woodward used to insist that the players forgot about the game until the next day if they had been beaten or played poorly. Instead they would go for a meal or go to the movies together rather than immediately look at what went wrong. Conversely, when they won or played really well, they would stay together after the game and discuss what went well. The next Training session would then replay the good moves rather than any bad ones.

Focus on what you do right and learn to let go of failure.

 

“The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is just that little extra”