31
May 2009
Not
much time for an update this weekend as I've had a lot of catching up
to do (and I've been experimenting with the clay!); I've been making
brooches as well as earrings and necklaces. I've decided to include
some smaller pieces to sell for £2 or £3.
I think I'd better archive some of my blog this week
as the pictures are getting bigger!
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29
May 2009 (2)
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29
May 2009 (1)
We're
home from Pagham. We stayed on a Haven site next to Pagham Harbour (no
boats, just lots of wildlife). It was beautiful, although
very
few people seemed to want to walk round the nature reserve or visit the
beach (which suits me). I think pebbles put
people off,
but I love all the different shapes and colours, and there were so many
butterflies because of the plants growing on the beach.
I
have to own up to the fact that I fell in love, and found a new best
friend. He gave me a peck on the cheek before we parted (excuse the
pun!).
I managed three drawings one evening; I've been
experimenting with the use of grey mount board, instead of
paper.
I'm also half way through drawing a rhino (which is
a bit more difficult).
And
yes Oscar came too, because he loves holidays. I doubt if he'll ever
agree to stay at home, but I managed to keep him on a lead for most of
the time.
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25
May 2009 (3)
Tonight
we spent two hours sitting in silence at the top of Golden Valley;
fresh badger setts were located next to us, but at that point we didn't
see the elusive Brock. Instead we could hear the grazing deer
steadily munching
their way closer to us, unaware of our presence. I didn't realise that
they were such noisy eaters!
Driving out of Ashridge we were rewarded with the sight of two badgers
feeding on the front lawn. :)
Sitting
under the night sky with the light rain refreshing my face was a
much-needed tonic. For a while I glimpsed the world from
above, and
I saw my place in it.
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25
May 2009 (2)
I have about sixty
pieces waiting to be baked, but I'll just share my favourite of the day:
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25
May 2009 (1)
Today I've been making
clay jewellery for my
WaterAid sale on the 3rd of next month; I want to price it from £3 to
attract more people. It's strange but every piece of clay I'm touching
today is turning to gold, and the ideas are flowing. I don't think that
is a coincidence.
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24
May 2009 (4)
I'm feeling very unsettled today, so you get treated
to more frogs!
When my mind is like this I seem to notice so much, like the rubies
around this one's eyes and its matching nose stud.
Avert your gaze if you don't want to see a frog in
the shower!
And finally, let's have a smile for the camera.
Good
night.
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24
May 2009 (3)
I
think part of my anxiety today has been based on memory. We're
'sharing' a caravan holiday with Naomi and Matt this week - they're
going for a couple of days whilst we look after all the cats here, and
then we're going to swap.
It was exactly two years ago that we
had to cut a holiday short, so that I could be admitted as a day
patient to the North London Priory. When I look back I'm frightened by
the power of my illness, and the devastation that it has caused in my
life. I don't feel as if I'm a strong person, but then I realise that I
must be. How else could I have reached this stage in my life, and kept
so much of this a secret? Yesterday I told Naomi that I feel as if I'm
a dysfunctional person who has somehow created an amazingly functional
family; corny as it may sound, I still put much of that down to making
them feel loved.
I've been anxious today about the noise next
door, but they haven't turned up this evening (day out I
believe)!
How can I learn to deal with something if it doesn't happen? That's
worse than it happening! Oh the joys of having an obsessive mind!
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24
May 2009 (2)
Sometimes
I find myself heading out into the garden without my camera, but then I
realise that I might miss something and I go back for it.
This
bug was sitting on the arm of my garden chair, when I noticed the
strength of its reflection and the contrasting colours. I love lime
green and mauve together.
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24
May 2009 (1)
Sometimes
I feel so angry with Oscar (my OCD). Even when you try to suffocate him
with large amounts of Prozac he still has to have his say!
On to another subject - frogs!
We've just been round to see David's brother and wife, as they have
loads of frogs in their pond.
Amazing creatures!
 
My
friend, Trevor, has named my latest tadpoles: we have
Gertrude
(Gertie) on the left, and Bertha on the right. I think I've got that
right!
Trevor, you now have some new frogs to name!
More
good news re. my book: the CEO is supportive of the idea, and a very
kind, talented writer and publisher of children's books said that she
would be glad to look at it for me. It strange when you spend a
lifetime wishing that you could achieve things, and then realising that
you can if you try hard enough.
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23
May 2009
Happy Birthday, Norman; I know you like cats, so I hope you enjoy the
leopard!
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22
May 2009
Excellent
news! Ashridge have expressed an interest in my children's book, and I
have decided which children's charity to approach if it does take off!
I
don't think I'm going to have time for the zoo today as I'm absorbed
(perhaps not the right word as there's plenty of room in my head for
other thoughts!) in a drawing. I'll publish it tomorrow for my good
friend,
Norman's, birthday!
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21
May 2009
I'm
not feeling very good about myself at the moment. Perhaps I'll try and
get to the zoo tomorrow as I'm not at work.
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20
May 2009
A few people seem confused by yesterday's picture! Yes, those are the
tadpoles' mouths, and you can see one eye for each one.
Question
of the day: when does a (frog) tadpole become a frog?
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19
May 2009
Tadpole update!
This must be the strangest picture I've ever taken!
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18
May 2009
I
hope my father-in-law enjoyed his party yesterday; it was lovely to see
everybody. They have six
children, 13 grandchildren and 7 great grandchildren (with lots more to
come, I'm sure!), so their house was a bit packed to say the least!
By the end of
a very eventful weekend I did crave some peace and quiet, so I decided
to watch TV
in bed; unfortunately the person playing the drums next door had other
ideas, and the drumming and other sounds carried on a lot later than
usual. I really want to learn
how to switch off to things, and not carry the anxiety into following
days. I took Diazepam, but I'm not used to it any more and I was even
dozier
than normal this morning!
On the way home, I noticed that the
young deer were 'loitering' beside the road, so I stopped the car for
half an hour and just watched them.
I've
always craved time away from the crowds. As a child I would often sit
in a field in the middle of the long grass, or find a branch in a tree
to sit on. I love the sound of birds singing and the wind
whistling in the trees, and to be in places where the noise of people
cannot be heard. David doesn't like silence, and finds it hard to sit
in a room without the TV on or the radio playing.
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17
May 2009
I
just wanted to thank my sister-in-law and brother for a lovely day
yesterday - Marion for preparing a delicious spread (as always), which
included a lovely meal followed by scrummy homemade fruit crumble, and
delicious homemade cake later, and Stephen for making me a cup of tea.
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15
May 2009
I've
got an appointment to look round Keech Cottage Children's Hospice next
month. This is one of the charities being supported by Ashridge's
Charity Fun Day, and I would like to include it.
Today I've
been busy making jewellery for my stall, and to (hopefully)
sell
for WaterAid next month; I've been experimenting with new ideas, so
I'll show you when they've been baked. I've also been
tidying up
my Golden Valley story, and the first draft is ready to present.
It's
going to be a busy weekend as my brother and his wife have invited us
to help celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary, and David's dad
(Bill) will be having a 75th birthday party. My brother, my
two
sisters and I have all got solid marriages, and have clocked
up
over 125 years between us.
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14
May 2009
Sometimes
I wish that I could write more in my blog, particularly about difficult
relationships. At least I now accept that friendships can be lost, and
that everything cannot always be as hunky dory as I would like it to
be. I've always tried too hard to make things right.
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13
May 2009
David
and the cats don't always see eye to eye; this morning he momentarily
left his breakfast to give me tuition in the use of a remote control,
and was not amused when he returned to his muesli.
I
know a lot of people are concerned about the spread of germs with pets
in the house, but the cat was fine!
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12
May 2009
I
received a very kind e-mail today, which reminded me
why people
who battle with mental illness need to be heard. There are times when I
wonder how much impact I can make, but one phrase in the correspondence
gave me food for thought.
'Sometimes little pebbles make ripples that build into waves'.
I
have put the idea for the book mentioned in my 'mind games'
section on hold for the summer; at times I don't know if I can make it
happen, but then I realise how important it could be.
I've
definitely had a day of reflection. This afternoon I was asked if I'd
sell my WaterAid pictures at a talk on life at the bottom of the
economic pyramid. I really appreciated being approached, as always
taking the initiative can be emotionally draining.
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11
May 2009
Oh well, I was going to have an evening doing
nothing, but then I drew another elephant!
It
doesn't take much to dishearten me, but as I look at the positives of
the drawing below, I realise that I have started to capture bumps and
shadows.
 
Animals
would be far less interesting without the wrinkles; I wonder why humans
are so obsessed with them. If you saw an elephant or a monkey with a
face lift they'd look very silly.
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10
May 2009
Learning
to draw does feel as if you are constantly taking three steps forward
and two steps back. I've just been working on the hairy-eared elephant
I started yesterday. In time I'd like to draw a large elephant picture,
and learn to be patient and take my time.!
Looking
as if butter wouldn't melt in their mouth, the grandcats have
temporarily moved in with us. They would definitely win a
beauty
contest; Alfie has the most amazing markings with spots on his back,
and Jasmine the greenest and brightest eyes ever.
 
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09
May 2009
I've
just had a much-needed drawing day at Missenden; we meet at a private
hospital. The grounds are very pretty, and we had company for lunch.
In the pond, the mothers were fussing over their children; we all do it!
Because we love you! :)
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09
May 2009
Last
night (after a very tiring week) I decided to go for a swim, but ended
in a bluebell wood; it's ok, I didn't have my cossie on!
The light
was amazing.
One
of the trees had a ladder fixed to it, with a seat at the top, so I
decided to climb it.
This
afternoon I went back to pursue my new hobby of tadpoleology, and
regretted the fact that I no longer have a polarising filter. The
tadpoles were even fewer in number and were mostly at the bottom of the
pond. They seemed frightened of movement this time, having been
oblivious before.
As you can see they're developing fast.
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07
May 2009
It's
been a very busy week! We're hosting the European Business Schools
Librarians' Group conference, and last night we took them on a guided
walk to the pub.
I've been busy replenishing my stock of
photos in case some of them are interested in making a donation to
WaterAid in exchange for a part of Ashridge. Every so often I need to
be reminded of why I'm doing this, and a harrowing report on the TV
yesterday provided it. I'm also going to ask if I can visit
the
local charity I'm interested in, some time next week.
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05
May 2009
The Ashridge bluebells made the front page of The
Telegraph today, although they were out of focus!
Unlike mine. :)
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04
May 2009
I
am hard work sometimes! I asked David for his opinion on my butterfly
front page and he said it didn't do anything for him, and that he
prefers my
photographs. I took that as I can't draw and removed it. It's ok, I
didn't get in a strop; I just feel insecure. He was very
helpful with the white cat, because he kept telling me which aspects
were wrong (as requested), enabling me to get a better likeness. Sorry,
David, I am still learning -
not just artistically - and your honesty is appreciated! I need honest
opinions in order to progress.
This is today's effort.
I
had an impromptu facial and hair wash at 4.30 this morning, which I did
not welcome. Thanks, Todd. Somebody had left the living room door open,
and he obviously decided I needed a bath. I think I'll have one now,
just in case he was right!
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03
May 2009
I
am sure that there are hundreds of people out there who have been
waiting all week to see how the tadpoles are progressing!
It would
seem that most of them have ended up as somebody's lunch, but not my
friend Anna's (in joke!).
Those that remain are doing well and are slowly morphing into frogs.
 
I
hope that enough will survive for me to continue documenting their
progress.
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02
May 2009
I managed to draw the whole butterfly!
We're
having a charity fun day at work in June, so I've decided to sell my
pics and jewellery. One of the charities is a children's hospice, so I
think that's what I'll choose. My friends keep telling me
that I
should cover my costs, so I've kept back some money from a
couple
of recent sales, which should more or less pay for the materials.
I've
got a meeting with Corporate Communications in a couple of weeks time
to discuss some ideas. I haven't got the energy or inclination to write
to lots of publishers, so I'm going to see if Ashridge might be
interested in my children's books as a charity project.
This is
the front cover of 'Golden Valley', which is situated by Ashridge
House. The name inspires me, and so the book is about the animals who
live there and in the woods.
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30
April 2009
The
white cat's name is Bobby; yesterday's attempt wasn't very good, so I
revisited it and improved on the shape of his face.
This is
the original, so see what you think.
 
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29
April 2009
That was hard work, but I managed to draw a white
cat!
Yesterday
the Ashridge Woods were full of soldiers, peasants and horses. This was
the only picture I got before I was asked not to use my camera. Look
away if you don't want to know what happens in the film!.
Note the
headless man on the right! It's ok his face is covered by the leaves.
There were
hundreds of cars and some coaches in the quiet field that the deer and
cows usually inhabit.
On
our walk we encountered a year's worth of seasons, starting with the
winter snow. I find it fascinating to watch, and couldn't understand
why we were the only Ashridge spectators.
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28
April 2009 (2)
There
are people in my life, outside my family, who feel like my family; the
world would be much emptier without them. Sometimes it's hard
to
explain just how much friendships means to me, but I want to thank my
closest friends for being there and for caring about me. I know it
can't always be easy being a part of my strange world!
I've had a good few days, even though I've been in overdrive, but I do
say and do some stupid things sometimes.
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28
April 2009 (1)
I've
tried the butterfly with coloured pencils on black paper, and
everything about drawing on the paper felt right. I love
being
able to use white pencils more effectively. I do put myself under
pressure to learn too many things, so perhaps I should just say 'this
is the technique for me'. Once I photograph my drawings,
I adjust
the levels in Photoshop to add the vibrancy that pencils alone
do
not allow, which (according to Jonathan) makes it mixed media,
but
is definitely not cheating!
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27
April 2009
According
to one of my colleagues I'm in overdrive (constantly I think!), so I
haven't had much of a chance to write my blog. The same can't be said
of my husband! We've just purchased a second hand reclining chair, but
there were no instructions as to how to get David out of it.
He
now has a remote control perched on each of its arms; I'm just thankful
that we can't get Setanta Golf in the front room!
Oh
well, perhaps it's a good thing that I've got a husband who's often
described as 'so laid back that he's horizontal'; it means that my
children are at 45 degrees.
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25
April 2009
So much going on over the last couple of days!
Last
night an 'old' school friend came round with her husband, as they're
down from Scotland (she was a mouse at school, like me!). This is only
the second time that we've met up in over 30 years! It was lovely
because we didn't run out of conversation once the reminiscing was
over, and we seemed to have a lot in common.
My sister, Mary,
came over today with some of her paintings for the new Ashridge art
exhibition, and we had a good natter over lunch with David and the
girls.
We did get a chance to go back to Cheslyn to see the tadpoles today,
although there were far fewer.
I am finding this absolutely fascinating.
A new butterfly to add to my collection. I'm very clever because I
guessed that this is an orange tip!
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23
April 2009
This
lunchtime four of us went to see the bluebells in beautiful Dockey
Wood, where they seem flourish. I took some pictures, but I can't seem
to match the ones I took four years ago.
The bluebells are in
bloom for a very short time, but isn't that what makes them so special?
They're like a favourite piece of music; if you play it all the time it
doesn't have the same impact.
We're all so very different, and
I know that many people don't share my love of the natural world. I see
the individuality of each tree and flower as they display their
different shapes, colour and patterns, all changing with the light.
Sometimes I think I see things that other people do not see, but I
often fail to see the obvious.
If you ask me what the highlight
of this week has been, I would say 'sitting on a hill in the middle of
the countryside, feeling the breeze on my face'.
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22
April 2009
Here I am in Sherwood Forest waiting for Russell
Crowe - apparently he'll be along on Tuesday.
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21
April 2009
It's
a bit late and I've spent the whole evening working on my story, so
just a quick 'hello' and 'good night'.
I
did sit in the garden first; I was surrounded by pesky flies,
so I shot them!
Well the
colours of light do inspire me, wherever they are!
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20
April 2009
Having been away from work for a week, I'm amazed at
how green the woods are; it's like coming back to a new world.
My
favourite field, where the deer congregate, is rapidly changing into a
film set. The film 'Nottingham' is being directed by Ridley
Scott
of 'Alien' fame. According to the Web, Russell Crowe, Cate
Blanchett and William Hurt will be starring in it, although I suspect
that Ashridge is being used for the more general scenes.
Judging by the number of stables, I'm expecting lots of horses!
I'm
trying to learn more butterfly names, so I'll start with this speckled
wood (photographed this evening). If I write them down I might even
remember!
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19
April 2009
It's been a busy weekend, with a quiz last night and
drawing at Missenden today.
We
drew a butterfly and started a chameleon. I wasn't as pleased with this
one, but I'm going to practice. Butteflies are covered in
speckles, particularly around the thorax (at first I thought it was
pollen), so I enjoyed learning the crochet hook technique. We just made
indents into the paper with end, where the white veins and
speckles go. I've used one before for cats' whiskers.
On the way out I spotted this spider, and was
captivated by the light.
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17
April 2009
Today
Becks and I had a Tesco breakfast, went shopping in Watford and watched
Dr Who. Not my usual sort of day, but my hands needed a rest from the
computer!
Dr Who was very disappointing, even though it was
co-written by Russell T. Davies.
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16
April 2009
It's
Friday tomorrow and my week off is nearly over. I actually had a lazy
afternoon, watching TV and eating ice cream! I was a big fan of the
first few series of Red Dwarf, so I watched the three new episodes with
trepidation. They were much better than I had expected.
Just Dr Who to go now!
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15
April 2009
Look what's arrived in my garden!
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14
April 2009 (2)
The others
are having a barbecue, but I don't seem to be able to join in at the
moment; my head is too full.
Instead
I'll show you a couple more photos, and then I'll update my web pages.
As
you know I love macro because it enables me to see the things I cannot
normally see. 12 megapixels makes it even better because I can crop the
images much more. Dandelion 'clocks' fascinate me.
Technology
is moving fast, so maybe one day I will get to photograph snowflakes!
And finally, just in case my jewellery doesn't get noticed, here are
some bright pieces waiting to be baked!
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14 April
2009 (1)
Today
we went to Cheslyn Gardens for a picnic; I'm really learning how to get
the best out of my Nikon now. Norman, I've finally looked at
the
manual (I might even read it one day!).
The pond was full to the brim with
more tadpoles than I've ever seen in my life.
I hadn't realised how spotty they are before.
These
are the actual pixels of the above photo, so imagine how small the
bubble is in real life! I'm totally overwhelmed by the camera's
capabilities (and mine of course!!).
Before we left I sneaked into my neighbour's front
garden and photographed the inside of the tulips!
It
will be back to Cheslyn at the weekend, and then at least once a week
to see how the tadpoles are progressing.
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13 April 2009
Oscar
was troubling me a little beforehand, but the noise levels were
perfectly
acceptable yesterday and we were able to have a barbecue (in
the
rain), so thank you to the minister, and the community who use the
Church on a Sunday evening; they seem like lovely people. I should have
gone about it a different way, but when you've spend many years
involved in exposure treatment the boundaries become blurred, and I
thought that learning acceptance was the right way.
I do admire people
who have such faith, as long as it doesn't involve fear; I consider
myself to be a spiritual person, although I cannot define that, and
perhaps I never will be able to.
My ideas for my second
children's book seem to be flowing out, and I am very pleased with my
progress so far.
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12 April 2009
One.
The
Open University has asked people to count the snails in their gardens
to assist in an evolution and global warming study, so I felt that I
should take part; this one was on my conservatory window.
I
spent yesterday with my brother and sisters, so I expect that my
brother will be reading this later to see what I've written. All I can
say is what wonderful people they are (is that ok, Stephen?!)
;)
|
09 April
2009
I
needed to start some new projects today, for reasons that I won't go
into. The first is a children's book about the animals of Ashridge; I
have completed the front cover combining daffodils and a fox!
The second was to experiment with Photoshop, but not by reading
manuals. I need to develop my own techniques.
I produced this based on the Ashridge logo (www.ashridge.org.uk)
I
wanted to create the impression of light emanating from spotlights, in
the shape and colours of the logo. A little bit of work still needed,
but not a bad start.
|
08 April 2009
I
took a picture of the moon last night as another test for my Nikon.
I
managed to zoom into a crater, and look what was peering over it!
|
07 April 2009
I
felt low again today, so I prised myself out of bed and went for a 100
length swim before work (that's just under a mile). I cannot overstate
the importance of exercise; it is near the top of my toolkit. Unless of
course it becomes obsessive.
I'm in worry mode at the moment.
There's lots I want to write about (and lots I have written and
deleted), but instead I'll share the magic of sunlight on leaves.
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06 April 2009 (2)
I
felt very down today, but strange as it seems I don't know what a
normal low feels like. When some of the old feelings surface
I so
much fear the return of real depression.
When I got home I
opened the toolkit containing all my strategies, and started off by
making sure that I kept my creative mind busy.
Matt (my
'son-in-law') is a whizz kid with filters, and he can read photography
books and absorb the content. He showed me how to create the illusion
of a picture taken with a fisheye lens, in Photoshop, and it gave me
the idea for global Ashridge.
|
06 April 2009 (1)
I've
realised that the issue is genuine, but the reaction is obsessive.
I
e-mailed my specialist last night and needless to say I received a
prompt reply. He congratulated me for addressing the problem (not
everything in life is an exposure), but suggested that 'being anxious
and teary may be caused by other factors'. Of course he's right, but I
don't know what they are. I think my age comes strongly into the
equation, but perimenopause is not a subject for my blog!
Last
night I took a Diazepam for the first time in a while and my head is
pounding. I feel guilty watching the news because of what I have in my
life, but it doesn't take the illness away.
The last piece of advice from my specialist:
'Yes
- stop beating yourself up !!!'
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05 April 2009 (2)
They've
finished now after a two hour service, and I am very
tearful; I feel so
bad about myself because I've just phoned the Minister in charge of the
Church. I'm struggling with what's real, but I know that several
neighbours
are unhappy about the situation and are going to write, so it can't all
be in my head. I want peace so much and at this point in time I really
don't like who I am.
Oscar
is calling me a failure.
|
05 April 2009 (1)
Oscar
has been troubling me today, far more than he has for a while. In many
respects what he is telling me is unimportant, but I want to describe
the experience and the pain in my head.
As
you know religion features heavily in my OCD, but noise is also one of
the recurrent themes. When I became very ill again it felt as if the
bark of a neighbour's dog was stabbing me in the heart. It got so bad
in my head, although not in reality, that I started to avoid the garden
and my thoughts rarely shifted. We have a small church next door to us,
and late on a Sunday afternoon very enthusiastic and evangelical
worshipers can be heard singing God's praises, with the aid of a set of
drums. The preacher shouts loudly into a microphone about salvation and
I can hear him in my
house and garden.
For
me there is only one way to deal with this, and although my neighbours
have talked about having a quiet word, I must see it as opportunity. I
have to go towards the noise and not run away from it. Double whammy:
noise and hell.
Hell
is a very small word, and one that I can now write and say. It hasn't
always been that way. The fear that obsessive thoughts bring can be
likened to the way you might respond if a stranger suddenly grabbed you
round the neck on a dark night. I am not criticising people's
beliefs, but the vulnerability and receptiveness of children
should always be considered.
And as for the noise:
I am
eleven years old and sitting on Mevagissey Beach; my brother and I are
making sandcastles and all is well until a couple arrive. The man puts
his radio on and my father's hackles rise; I can
feel his
stress levels increasing and anxiety wells up within me. I
know
that before long there will be confrontation, and then it happens. He
expresses his intolerance in no uncertain terms and I start shaking
inside. Noise was never tolerated.
The difference between now
and the past is that I am sharing this. It is fear (and shame) that has
always prevented me, as if saying something out loud will make it real
and sent my loved ones away.
I
have been sitting outside today
thinking about the sounds and words that will emanate from next door.
The thoughts are
pressing hard on my scalp, but without the medication I would once
again be feeling like Alice in the White Rabbit's house. The
thoughts would be so big and frightening that they would no longer fit
in the space that has been allocated for them.
|
04 April 2009 (2)
I
have a tendency to speak before I think and I often ask nonsensical
questions, but today at the zoo it was somebody else's turn:
Zoo Keeper: these two elephants are brother and sister.
Visitor: why is the female bigger than the male?
Zoo
Keeper: because she's older!
|
04 April 2009 (1)
I can't stay long as we're going out soon, but I
just wanted to introduce you to the elephant I met today.
I've
never seen one wearing a toupe before; I think I'll call him Bruce.
I
know she will never read this, but I just want to let sweet Ruby know
that our hearts are with her and that she is not alone, even though I'm
sure it feels as if she is.
|
03
April 2009
I
learnt another one of life's important lessons this morning: don't walk
on to the patio with bare feet when there's a slug on it. It
put
me right of my Ready Brek!
Yesterday Becks and I went for a long
walk round the Gorhambury Estate and saw some very pretty lambs; they
looked like the ones you buy in toy shops with baby pink
ears. :)
(Don't forget I'm a vegetarian if you're thinking of making any jokes!)
A
tiny spider, which was no more than 3mm long, spent half the morning
walking across my screen, so I thought I'd test out the Nikon.
Nobody was around, although this sort of behaviour isn't out
of
character!
This is the image
I took.
And these are the
actual pixels!
Not
bad, eh?
|
02 April 2009
Last
night I lost my job, got hit by a train and my guinea pig got run over.
I haven't even got a guinea pig! No wonder I feel so tired again!
During the evening I did plan to just watch TV, but you know me!
Or
at least some of you do! I've realised that my sense of
humour is
lost on the people who don't know me well, which is a bit worrying! I
use irony a lot (and too much sarcasm!), but my ability to say things
with a straight face can be misconstrued.
I wasn't happy with
the colours on my cat, so I took him into Photoshop and turned him
grey. Next time I would like to draw a silver grey cat (Anna!).
|
01 April 2009
Today on
our lunchtime walk an alien with large black sunken eyes, no nose and a
big wide mouth suddenly peered over the fence.
On second thoughts it could have been a horse.
|
31 March 2009
Although
the history of Ashridge goes back over 700 years, the Business School
celebrates it's 50th birthday this year.
On
Monday we're having a tea party, and a postcard competition. Until
yesterday (the day of the deadline) I had no intention of entering, but
then the urge to create something took over!
If
nothing else it makes a good front page!
|
30 March 2009
Today
the deer were practising their synchronised eating; the one on the left
only just made it into the team.
|
29 March 2009
Before
I start talking about me (well it is my blog!),
I must tell you that David went round Batchwood in 83 yesterday. He was
very pleased with himself.
I've
been asked if I want to display work at the next Ashridge exhibition (I
seem to have got permanent space), so I decided to put up some
different 'stuff'. For starters I made A3 copies of my two best owls
and left them in the living room, and then I became ten again! The
girls both walked past without saying anything, as did David, and my
insecurity was ignited! I become a bit of a pain to poor David when
this happens, but far less of one than I used to be! 'Are you sure they
look ok?' etc. etc. 'Am I deluded?'!
And
to the girls, 'do you like my pictures?'. 'Yes mum, they're very good.
Is there any food in the house?'. Sometimes I'm not sure who's doing
the parenting!
At
these times I say to David, 'do you want me to try and change this
aspect of my personality or are you happy to live with it?', and he
says 'I got an 83 in golf'.
He
tells me that my insecurity does irritate him at times, but not very
much. That's good, isn't it?!
|
27 March 2009
My specialist says that
I'll always be self-effacing, but look at this!!
I'm really
chuffed with my new owl!
My
next project is to try and improve my memory. My siblings and I have
always had appalling memories, so I can't completely blame Fluoxetine
and ECT! We had a competition once to see who had the worst memory -
and no, I don't remember who won it! My challenge is to learn all the
first names and surnames of everyone on this year's full-time MBA
group, and match them to their photos.
|
25 March 2009
You're
never too old to learn, and today I learnt that you should take an
umbrella on your walk when part of the sky is full of dark clouds!
Before the downpour the sun was shining brightly, and it was the
amazing colours of tree bark that caught my eye.
I've
just entered 16 photos in the Wildlife Photographer Competition - lots
of hard work getting them right (or as near to 'right' as somebody with
OCD can get!).
|
24 March 2009
Last night I tried drawing the fox on black
paper.
|
22 March 2009 (2)
Does
anyone know what this is? It was on the floor of the copse in Cheslyn
Gardens.
Yesterday
we went to see the 2008 Wildlife Photographer of the Year exhibition,
and I did feel rather proud of myself for getting to the semi-finals!
This year's entries need to be in by the end of next week, and a lot of
my new ideas don't revolve around this time of year. I'm
going to
have a go, though, and one day I hope to see one of my images in the
Natural History Museum! Did I tell you that there were over 32,000
entries? (Now I am showing off!).
We also went to see Braniacs
Live at the Hammersmith Apollo (part of David's birthday present). It's
based on a Sky 1 science programme, where they carry out lots of
experiments; the sort of thing my brother would love to do, given half
a chance. My favourite was 'see how fast you can make the office chair
revolve' (when you're sitting in it!). They managed 15 revolutions in
as many seconds, but then
added a carbon dioxide fire extinguisher and two rockets! Other things
included inflating a hot water bottle until it (eventually) burst,
setting fire to methane filled bubbles and lots of other things, and
blowing up a microwave oven.
|
22 March 2009 (1)
Caught him!
This
is the stray that's been terrorising all the cats in our
neighbourhood. Even with a thick coat and garden gloves on I couldn't
pick him up, so we had to try and outsmart him.
He's now safely in the hands of the Cats Protection.
We
went to London yesterday - more lager (that was a typo as I intended to
write 'later'!)
|
20 March 2009
My Lumix must have felt like Woody from Toy Story
today, because I left him behind so that I could try out the new toy.
I
had to work today, but I still managed to spend three hours taking
photos at both ends of the day and in the middle. You can see how
long I stayed in Ashridge!
When I
arrived the sun was still hiding behind the fog.
And then it spend the day shining brightly on the daffodils ...
... before
going back to bed.
Good Night.
|
19 March 2009
It
arrived at 07.47 this morning!
My
new baby is a Nikon P90 - 12 mexapixels with a 24x optical lens. Once
again I chose not to go for an SLR for lots of reasons.
As
with my children, I think I'm going to love both my cameras the same,
and I can already see that they have different strengths! I think the
lens on the Nikon will be good at the two extremes, as these pictures
demonstrate:
Macro
24x
optical zoom
It's going to take me a while to get used to him, and (as my friend keeps
'suggesting')
I fear that I'm going to have to break with tradition and read
the manual.
|
18 March 2009
I've
been feeling vulnerable today, partly because of my appointment
yesterday, so I want to leave the subject of mental health alone for a
while. I don't think he'll see this, but I do want to thank my
specialist for understanding me (not many people do!), and for being
such a caring person who goes beyond the call of duty. He doesn't just
help people in this country, but works on mental health projects in
other parts of the world where change is very much needed. Sadly it
sometimes feels as if there are more destructive people in the world
than kind ones, so we should value those who work so hard to change
things for the better.
Today in heather
garden the tortoishell and peacock butterflies had been
replaced
by a comma, and the sun was casting bright shadows on all the creatures.
 
Without the camera there are so many colours you just don't see.
The air was teaming with unwanted visitors, which didn't go away when
my flash gun lit up their sky.
I've
ordered a new camera (I'll tell you more another time).
|
17 March 2009
There's
a lot that I want to write, but I haven't got much energy at the
moment. I had my last appointment at The Priory in North London today,
and realised just how much I've changed since I first went there twenty
years ago. At this moment I feel ok with who I am, and I'm
proud
of my achievements.
After the appointment I had a cup of tea in
Grovelands Park - the place for exposures (of the psychiatric kind) -
and I saw my former self; I needed to go back there and face her.
I'm
not going to be reducing my medication any further; this is something
that would have frightened me two years ago, but now I don't ever want
to live without it.
Re.
my blog entry of 14 November 2008 - they published my letter about
Todd's identity crisis!
|
16 March 2009
The Gardens were painted with amazing colours over
the weekend, and today they came to life.
At lunch time it felt as if the show was just for me, because there was
nobody else in sight.
The heather was alive with red admirals and peacock butterflies
'twitterpating', alongside the ladybirds and the bees!
This is the first time I've seen butterflies in the heather garden.
The
first ones that I saw on my walk were the brimstones, which were, at
times, camouflaged as they landed on the daffodils.
|
15 March 2009
Happy Birthday! x
He's
gone for his Sunday morning cycle, so I'm trying to find the strength
to go for a much needed swim before I cook a big Sunday lunch. If I
don't get rid of this Prozac headache soon I'll be serving chocolate
sauce with the roast instead of gravy. That might be ok, but gravy with
cheesecake?
I'm a bit fidgety at the moment, so I spent last night drawing a baby
chimp! That's a pretty good beard for one so young!
|
14 March 2009
The big 50
is only a day away for David and his twin sister, Helen!
Last night we went out for a very nice meal with David's five siblings
and some of the partners.
Here
they all are trend-setting in the early seventies; David is on the far
left, and Helen is on the far right.
|
13 March 2009
And here it is: my first
attempt at a clock!
|
12 March 2009
Hello!
It's late, so just a quick blog entry. It's been a very tiring couple
of days, both at work and at home. I've still been getting my swims in
though, and managed 70 lengths before work this morning. Some days it's
hard work, but I know how important it is.
I've been
experimenting with the clay over the last couple of evenings. Tonight I
decided to make a clock (which is now baking), but it took far longer
than I had imagined! I love the idea of making them, but I'll have to
practice and try out ideas. When Naomi was about 11 she made some
amazing clocks; she has the ability to see something in her head and
reproduce it.
|
09 March 2009
Happy Birthday, Barbie.
The
Barbie doll is 50 today, so thank you Anna for pointing out the fact
that I'm older than her. Well Barbie, you may have had over
100
careers but you've never been an Information Specialist, so there.
She's so plastic!
This evening I watched a programme about Darwin as I
was drawing a baboon.
This is my Great Uncle George:
Can
you see the likeness?
|
08 March 2009
Back
to my drawing board today; I haven't really got the patience to do a
long-term project, so I'm sticking with drawings that only take me an
hour or two to complete.
I
went outside this morning, in the sunshine. Sometimes, when the world
is bright, it feels as if I can smell the memories of my last bad bout
of depression, and I feel disturbed. It still seems as if I'm in an
alien world, because being on this medication feels strange even after
two years. As I have said before, it feels as if everything
is
still in my head, but not as reachable as it once was. The last few
nights have, as usual, been filled with nightmares, and in many of them
I am depressed. How complex the human brain is. The drive I have to
create a picture on a sunny Sunday morning will always be
something that I appreciate. In depression I have to be told, somewhat
assertively, not to sit and do nothing.
|
06 March 2009 (2)
I've
just watched a really inspirational programme on BBC - 'Iron Curtain,
Ribbon of Life'. It showed the amazing diversity of life in the
European Green Belt (an area either side of the Iron Curtain), and the
way in which conservationists from both sides of the former Iron
Curtain are working together to protect the area. Many rare and
endangered species thrived during the Cold War, because
this was a
'no man's land', and I have so much admiration for the people who are
working hard to preserve it.
http://www.europeangreenbelt.org/
|
06 March 2009 (2)
I
wanted to be more adventurous with the polymer clay, so I've been
trying out different ideas for canes. I particularly like this colour
combination in this necklace:
This cane has been inspired by Klimt!
|
05 March 2009
I
met a very lovely lady from New Orleans today; she bought a couple of
my framed picture for her mother, who had lost her husband and her home
during Hurricane Katrina. People like her, who remain
positive
despite losing loved ones and treasured possessions, really make you
think. Out of all the people who now have my photographs on their
walls, I truly hope she enjoys them the most.
|
04 March 2009
I
watched a whole television programme tonight, without doing anything
else at all! It was the Orangutan Diary, showing the babies in the
nursery and at forest school.
I hate what some people do
to animals and the environment, but I have tremendous admiration for
those who pick up the pieces. This sanctuary looks after several
hundred orphaned orangutans, and prepares them for life back in the
wild (if there's any wild for them to go back to!). I would
love
to get more involved in conservation.
|
03 March 2009
No picnic today as the cold weather has returned, but at least I got to
sit outside on Sunday and Monday.
I
did some more drawing yesterday. I've tried a few different animals,
but the ones which fascinate me most (from a drawing perspective) are
cats and owls. I think it's the eyes. This was from last night (on
black paper). I can see the improvement over the last few weeks..
About
18 years ago I was offered some teaching (photography) at the college
where I worked as a library assistant, and one of my colleagues said to
me 'who do you think you are?'. The college had written a
piece
about me in a local magazine because of my exam distinctions, and I had
brought my work in to show people. I think perhaps I did show
too
many people because I was heading for a breakdown and the photography
was attempting to save me from it, but she thought I was getting too
big for my boots. I did manage to teach two adult education
course before hospital beckoned me a few months later.
This did
have a profound effect on me, and for years I didn't show my work to
many people. Fifteen years later I took part in the Ashridge art
exhibition and surprised my colleagues.
If
I show my work to
people now, I'm in no way saying 'look at me'; it's just about sharing
what I create, and it's therapeutic. It's about discovery and capturing
the amazing things I see in the world. The Priory taught me to
share again, but I still get scared in case my intentions are
wrongly perceived.
|
02 March 2009
I
was recently congratulated on the way in which I have conquered my
illness, but I will never conquer it; it is part of me. The
way in
which it manifests itself, however, has not evolved from an
innate part of
me. I was born with the basic software, but the programming took
several years. I'm not just talking about my religious fears here, but
the many voices of my OCD, all of which tell me that I am not good
enough.
My
specialist believes that "when you reduce OCD to 'normal'
proportions it should be seen as part of your true self"; I share that
view. Without the obsessive part of my nature I would not have the
drive to create, and creativity cannot thrive without an element of
perfectionism.
Today
the sun shone, and I felt the warmth on my face as I sat in the Gardens
at lunchtime; you don't have to wait until the summer to have a picnic.
This was a special, unexpected picnic, with a robin providing the music
as it perched on a nearby tree. So often you hear the phrase 'we didn't
really have a summer', as if summer is the only time that the sun
shines. There were two of us outside, plus all the creatures enjoying a
glimpse of spring; the rest did not know what they were
missing.
|
01 March 2009
Happy birthday to my precious Naomi. x
I
have a groundbreaking idea: why not put people who know what they're
talking about on a help desk? David says that should be 'people who
know what we're talking about.' In my case, there aren't many!
I
couldn't upload to my website yesterday, so David and I both ended up
phoning Virgin Media. I could hear him in the next room saying 'do you
know what ftp stands for?'. Sometimes you feel as if you'd get the same
level of help from the local takeaway. Maybe I phoned them by mistake!
That would explain the delivery of fried turkey pieces (ftp) and
microchips.
David once phoned up because we had completely lost our broadband, and
the conversation went something like this:
Help desk: Go to www.virginmedia....................'.
David: I haven't got an internet connection.
Help desk: You'll be able to go to this website without one.
David: No I won't: I haven't got an internet connection.
Help
desk: Are you calling me a liar?
If it's any consolation, Mr Branson, things have
improved since the NTL days, but there's still work to be done.
|
28 February 2009
Having
visited Whipsnade a number of times over the last few months, I decided
it was about time I saw these animals in their natural habitat.
So today I went to Woburn!
The baby wallabies were even closer than the one at Whipsnade.
This precious one is albino.
And this Joey looks as if it has bought a wallaby suit to wear for a
fancy dress party! It's a bit big for him, though!
Watching the lions makes you feel as if you're in the middle of the
Serengeti.
You can
hardly tell that you're in England!
The other reason for my visit was the Woburn Craft Fair (David had
already planned a day working on the house
playing golf).
Before I go, I think it's time for a caption competion.
So
answers in an e-mail please.
|
27 February 2009 (2)
I've
made some changes to my website; it feels a bit tidier now.
|
27 February 2009 (1)
Happy Birthday, Joyce. x
I'm
going to revamp my website today, so more later.
|
25 February 2009
Looking
at census records is quite addictive, but I think I'll call it a day
now; John Meakin was just one of eight great grandparents,
and I
don't suppose I'll ever know much about him (or the rest of them).
I will certainly never know what they were like as people. By
the
way, I love looking at large country houses, but I wouldn't want to
live in one. Think of all the housework! There's also something very
satisfying about saving up the deposit for your first property. For
David and me it was a one bedroomed flat, but it was ours and we'd
worked hard for it (and there were no stairs to clean).
I wonder if the queen has ever seen an avocado bathroom suite!
|
24 February 2009
I
would highly recommend a visit to the Wedgewood Museum; I really hope
the company survives the recession, although it's not looking good.
Watching the potters at work and the hand painting was fascinating, and
I truly hope that we can keep these traditions.
The Meakins
were cousins of the Johnson Brothers, whose company now forms part of
the Wedgewood group. In the vicinity of the museum we spotted this fine
looking house (Barlaston Hall), and discovered that it was once owned
by my great great uncle, James Meakin!
The
houses in Meakin Close (below) and Johnson Close were built in the
grounds of Henshall Hall, which was owned by another great great uncle,
Alfred Meakin, and so it goes on!
So what of their brother, my
great grandfather? I have discovered that he and his wife both died at
a young age. It would seem that history has a habit of repeating itself
as my father and grandfather were both sent to boarding school before
the age of 10, following bereavement; neither would have experienced a
family childhood.
My grandfather fared well academically, and
left Cambridge University with an MA in Theology and a very puritanical
outlook! I can only imagine that,
at boarding school, they were both given large platefuls of religious
instruction: the sort that doesn't leave your spirit free (and here
beginneth my OCD).
On Friday
we walked along the canal and discovered that two bottle ovens (with a
preservation order) were all that remained of the two largest Meakin
factories. I was pleased to hear that the family were very considerate
and well-respected employers, but I can't imagine what it was like to
work in the industry, or to live with such high levels of pollution.
Ps.
I've decided to put a museum sign on our bathroom door!
|
22 February 2009
I'm back! We decided to go to Stoke onTrent to find
out about my Meakin ancestry.
No! These are the monkeys at Trentham Monkey Forest!
I found out loads, but wished that I had visited a few years ago,
before the destruction of the final Meakin Pottery.
On
our return I started looking at the family history websites (big
mistake as I'm still online six hours later!), but at least I found the
answers to all of my questions. I'll tell you more another day,
although some of it is very sad.
On Thursday we visited a toilet museum and found our bathroom! How can
I get rid of it now!
I
spent the evenings drawing (as you will see from my homepage),
and
discovered the art of drawing on black paper with coloured pencils.
 
|
16 February 2009
When
my cats are old and grey (well, old and black & white), I'm
going
to have a bird and butterfly garden. I saw a butterfly today!
On
Friday I managed to 'capture' two goldfinches and a nuthatch, and I
hope that one day I will own a camera and lens that will enable me to
do much more. My aim is to take close-ups of the garden birds.
I'm
struggling a bit at the moment, although nobody would be able to tell.
I want to rest, but my mind won't let me, and I'm very tired.
I'm
so glad that I haven't got any more self-imposed deadlines for the time
being.
|
14 February 2009
I've
been able to donate £300 (£385 with Gift Aid), and I've asked if the
remaining necklaces can go to the girls in Bangalore. I can easily make
more if there aren't enough. I really hope this can happen.
Back
to the vet today (with Ollie the cat this time); he's been in a
territorial dispute. It's a good job people don't behave like that!!
Talking of cats, Todd had an identity crisis today!
Not for the first time!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
None of the above were posed, although I suspect that this early
picture of Todd might have been!
|
13 February 2009
Can you tell what it is yet?!
Today
I went in search of much-needed solitude and found it at the zoo.
The
animals were enjoying the winter sunshine, and it turned out to be a
perfect day. I often go to the more isolated parts of the zoo, and
today I saw Joey making a very early appearance; first his tail
emerged, and then his head!
  
|
11 February 2009
I
was proud of myself today; I defied my negative inner voice and took
myself even further out of my comfort zone. Sales were slower than I
had hoped (the recession has definitely arrived), so I spent two hours
walking round the Building persuading people to enter a prize draw, and
managed to double the amount raised so far from jewellery sales.
Unfortunately I promised to make the time up after work!
When
I'm feeling down about myself I become convinced that others have a
very negative opinion of me, but the majority of people were kind,
chatty and supportive. As more people open up to me, I am realising
that I'm definitely not the only one who is this self-critical.
I
think I can allow myself to go back and hide in my corner for a while
now; it's hard playing the part of an extrovert when you are an
introvert at heart. This is not about putting myself in unnecessary
situations; it's about doing the things that I really want to do.
Anxiety breeds avoidance and I'm determined not to let it make any more
decisions for me. I've decided to put my mental health project
on
hold for a short while as I am feeling too drained to start anything
else at the moment.
At the end of the day this is not about
me; it's about the girls of Baale Mane, who live their lives without
parents to love and care for them. No child should be without love, and
all children should be cared for.
|
10 February 2009
Silly
me! I listened to my irrational mind and got upset when I heard what it
was saying. The inner belief that I have been gaining is being
suffocated by self-doubt this week. Today somebody told me that I think
too much; I never stop thinking!
There's
a full moon tonight and I'm a lunatic!
|
09 February 2009
Yesterday's
picture was not manipulated, nor is Ashridge buried in snow; I was
standing on the golf course at the bottom of the hill!
We had
been out in search of the deer, and they looked very fed up. Actually,
I think deer look the same however they're feeling!
I
started my jewellery/ photo sale for Baale Mane early as the weather is
so unpredictable; I won't go into my insecurities at the moment, but
they're significant. I'll tell you a bit later when (hopefully) I can
smile at them.
|
08 February 2009 (3)
Oh no!
|
08 February 2009 (2)
I
have solved the mystery of why my Outlook Express Spell Checker is now
in French! We have installed Office 2007, and this is a known
Microsoft problem for the earlier versions.
It would
seem that other people have expressed their frustration, as I
discovered when carrying out a web search:
'Outlook
Express Spell Check Disabled in Office 2007 - Le Miserable Microsoft,
avez vous un fricking clue?'
In response to the above, 'non, le gratis downloads sans pas working'.
Sadly,
I remember very little from the French lessons at school, although a
couple of useful phrases come to mind from Longman's Audio-Visual
French in our state of the art 1960s language lab:
écoutez
et répétez:
'Bruno est dans le
jardin.'
'mes
fleurs! mes fleurs.'
|
08 February 2009 (1)
The
other day somebody told me about his recurring dream, in which he is
flying peacefully over the countryside. He told me that the dream seems
so real that he knows what it feels like to be able to fly.
I
never have dreams like that (or perhaps I don't remember them); I wish
I did, because the constant nightmares wake me up. I have three or four
regular ones at the moment, and I find the intensity of the images
quite overwhelming. I am completely accepting of them, though, because
I can't change them. Perhaps I should watch 'Little House on the
Prairie before I go to bed'. Perhaps not!
|
06 February 2009
|
05 February 2009
I
worked from home again today, and got loads done. I got up
about
15 minutes before I started work! I can see the attraction, although it
felt a bit strange.
This evening I tried to sit down to watch
some TV, but I can't just do that and before long the coloured pencils
came out. I love drawing eyes; the pigmentation in them is fascinating
and cats eyes are entrancing. I'll wait and see if the 'owner' of this
one recognises him!
One
think I have learnt to do is look at my work more objectively, and I
can see that it is moving in the right direction.
|
03 February 2009
I worked from home today as the children had turned our road into a
toboggan run!
I'm
an information specialist, and everything I need for my research can be
accessed via the Web. I've got database access to thousands of
journals, information on millions of companies, market research,
financial information and more, including the full text articles from
major world and regional newspapers (even the Daily Star!). Aren't I
lucky! The World Wide Web is an amazing tool, but we'll come unstuck
one day!
I decided not to miss out on my lunchtime walk, and
took a brisk stroll along the canal; the poor ducks must have had very
cold feet!
The canal was so frozen in parts, that I was half expecting a polar
bear to cross it.
One
of the creatures I'd least like to be is a penguin. Imagine
spending months on end in a huddle in freezing conditions, with no
slippers, no hot water bottle and no food, with the breath of everybody
around you smelling of fish.
Anyway, I've always said that you can find wonderful sights everywhere,
and I proved that today ...
...
when I went into the chip shop on my way home.
:)
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02 February 2009
I
made it into work today (and back again!) as I managed to cadge a lift
from a colleague. I've never been skating in a Land Rover
before; the car park was an ice rink by the time we got there.
I
enjoyed the scenery on my lunchtime walk, although I wish you could get
warm snow; imagine how much fun snowball fights would be!
 
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01 February 2009
I
think my memory is improving! I had lots to take to my 'drawing animals
with coloured pencils' class, and I only forgot one thing; OK, so it
was the coloured pencils!
We
started off learning how to draw an elephant on black paper. Nobody
wanted to have a go at my beautiful spider, so I had to wait until I
got home!. This is a quick attempt, but it's a technique I really want
to work on.
I drew it in colour, but I desaturated the photo
in PhotoShop to see what it would look like using grey tones. I'm going
to try that next time as I think it could be quite dramatic.
For the last hour or so, we started drawing a scarlet macaw,
although it's still in the early stages.
.
And finally, here's something I made earlier (in the week!).
We're
hoping to meet with the tutor once a month from now on, so hopefully
you will notice a difference. Plus I'm planning to practice a lot more! I
think I'll be able to manage a whole elephant next time, and not just
the eye area that we did today! I'll show it to you when I've finished!
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30 January 2009
I've
just tried saving a Word 2007 document as a web page; the HTML is as
messy as ever, but the end result looks ok. Several people have
already expressed an interest in contributing to
'my book', so
please click
here for more information
about my idea.
I'm
not going to start it until my other projects are out of the way. The
children's book is ready to be sent to publishers (for what it's
worth!), and I've decided to hold the jewellery/ photo sale for Baale
Mane the week after next. I made another 25 necklaces
yesterday
and mounted 30 photographs today, so I think I might just have a lie in
tomorrow! I'm back at Missenden on Sunday for coloured pencils. I've
rediscovered the love of drawing I had in my childhood, particularly
now I understand some of the techniques.
I think there was one thing that I forget to finish today.
Now
I remember: it was the housework!
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28 January 2009
I
hope my frog made you smile. I had planned to take a new picture
yesterday, but I couldn't find anything 'smily'! My friend used the
term 'puerile', which I've taken as a compliment!
I've
just entered him (the original version!) into a competition to win a
new Panasonic camera.
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27 January 2009
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26 January 2009
I struggled with the
words I wrote yesterday, and so I have re-visited them.
Tomorrow
I will try to incorporate an image to make you smile, as I feel a bit
blogged down!
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25 January 2009
I find
it hard when people judge me on who they think I am, who I once
was, or what others have said about me. I think we are all too quick to
listen to others and too slow to form our own opinions (I do get
cross with myself when I realise that I am doing this). I've
learnt so much in the last year, especially about the way in which we
form opinions of each. Since starting my blog I have been
approached by so many
people who have expressed kind words, some of whom I knew nothing about
before. So it's true - never judge a book by its cover (or by somebody
else's review of it!).
Reminiscing
is good, but I believe that living in the past serves no real purpose -
look back in order to resolve conflict in your head (or with others) or
to understand, but not to score points or to say 'look what happened to
me'.
We
are who we are at each point in our lives.
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23 January 2009
Six
months on and my children's book is finished (or at least the first
draft!). I've been working on it all day and now have all the images
and text in the desired layout! My ambition was to write it, so if I
ever do get it published that's a bonus. As I said before, fewer than
1% of the people who send unsolicited manuscripts to publishers are
successful, and most publishers do not accept them.
Perhaps I'll
have a lazy day tomorrow (as if!).
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22 January 2009 (2)
I
made good progress today. I also finally managed to finish the lioness
I started a couple of weeks ago.
(My
cats are in the doghouse at the moment.)
Before I go, I thought I'd just show you a picture I took earlier in
the week.
I
think I'll have to look out all my pictures of this dogwood, as it has
something different to offer with each season.
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22 January 2009 (1)
Here
goes! Im not at work for the next couple of days as I need to
concentrate on my projects, but I've got less energy than a tortoise!
No voice today - I've lost it completely; it's a good job I invented
e-nagging!
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20 January 2009 (2)
I
no longer avoid watching the news, even though it disturbs me; my
revulsion and shock at 'witnessing' mans' inhumanity to man is nothing
compared to the heartache families in Gaza and other parts of
the
world are going through, and I feel that I should know what is
happening. I do not understand war, but it is the way in which children
become the victims that upsets me most. I hope that Obama is able to
lead his country in the right direction and that the rest of the world
will follow; I don't believe that he will adopt the 'holier than thou'
approach in respect to terrorism. I've never understood how somebody
who starts wars can do that. I know that things aren't as simplistic as
I would them to be and that there will always be major conflict in the
world, but wouldn't it be good if more people could open their eyes and
see that change is possible?
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20 January 2009 (1)
I
got the hump yesterday evening and took my pictures down - a little bit
prematurely as the missing picture appeared back on the wall during the
day! That's a mystery that probably won't be solved. It looked rather
lonely, so I returned the others at lunchtime and produced a new
display with details of this year's charity. I am leaving people the
option of donating to WaterAid, if preferred. I think I got upset
because a number of smaller ones were taken (and not returned or paid
for) last year.
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19 January 2009
I've spent all day on a copyright course, so please
don't expect me to write anything profound (not that I
ever do!) as I'm
shattered.
I
feel very low this evening. I know it's not much in the scheme of
things, but one of my pictures has gone missing from the exhibition; it
was one that had been professionally mounted and framed. I sincerely
hope that there has been a misunderstanding, because at the moment I
feel very churned up. To me, my photographs represent potential
donations to charity, and I cannot understand how anyone can take them
without paying. Sometimes I find all the bad things in the world too
much to take, and I feel like giving up. Yesterday it was suggested to
me
(for the umpteenth time) that I should be selling my photos and
jewellery for myself now because charity begins at home, but the world
is my home.
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18 January 2009 (2)
I've
sent the ideas for my book to my specialist now, so I've started the
ball rolling. I'd like to include pieces of writing from
somebody
like Stephen Fry or Emma Thompson, but I can only do my best.
I've
also been making good progress over the last week with my children's
book. I'm so glad that I learnt about layout on my course. It's nearly
six months since the idea for this story came into my head; it is all
far more complex than I initially thought.
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18 January 2009 (1)
When
I woke up this morning I was very relieved to discover the leak in my
hot water bottle!
It's
my younger daughter's birthday today; she doesn't read my blog, but she
and her sister are my pride and joy. Happy Birthday, Becks. On her
first birthday we told her sister, Naomi, that it would be her turn
next. Naomi cried the following morning, as she assumed we meant the
next day!
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17 January 2009 (2)
Who would be stupid enough to fly their kite on
Dunstable Downs in January?
 
Oh!
Surely nobody would eat their lunch outside!
(Vegetarian Bedfordshire clanger and chips; the
chips aren't all mine!)
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17 January 2009 (1)
We're
going out for lunch now, instead of breakfast, so I put chocolate
buttons in my Ready Brek as a special treat. :)
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16 January 2009
Another
birthday will be arriving tomorrow! The last year hasn't flown, and I'm
not looking back wondering what I've done, because much of it is
written down! I've asked for a notebook because I keep forgetting
things. I hope somebody remembers to get it for me.
David and
the girls will be taking me out for a meal - well breakfast is a
'meal', and Tesco is 'out'!
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14 January 2009
I met up with an old friend in the Gardens today.
Best not tell the gardeners.
As for you, my friends, I'd hide quickly before they see you!
There
are cattle grids, but the deer still
manage to climb through the fence and graze on the Ashridge lawns.
This year I would like to see glis glis (edible dormice) in
the
grounds; I've only ever seen one and it was outside my building.
Perhaps if I tell them that I'm a vegetarian, they might be as friendly
as the rabbit!
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13 January 2009
Apparently
the photo on my homepage is of freezing fog, not frost; my friend
showed me some photographs that he had taken at Ashridge on Friday, and
they looked amazing (don't tell him I said that!). Frozen frost
deposits take the form of long plumes of ice, oriented into the
direction of the wind. They are also known as 'frost feathers'; I
really like that term!
My
counter just shows me how many hits I've had, and how many of them are
unique. I've had a couple of unique ones today, so goodness knows
what people reading my blog for the first time must think! The
temptation to remove entries is still strong, but that would be giving
into the 'voice' in my head that tells me I should be ashamed.
I
cannot overemphasise the value of exercise. It's hard to gauge how much
mine helps, but I'm sure that walking for an hour and swimming
70
lengths of the pool has helped me today.
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12 January 2009 (2)
A
few hours have passed since I wrote the last entry and I am feeling
very
vulnerable. There is a word that I fear, and if I read it I
feel
the familiar knot of anxiety; the word is 'blasphemy' and I have just
read it
in a news article. For most of my life I have been afraid of
thinking something that would offend God, and of inadvertently
committing 'the unforgivable sin'. Please understand that this is not
rational, and I know that; it is part of an illness called OCD, and it
is one of the most common manifestations. I am afraid because I learnt
to
be afraid when I was very young, and reassurance and a
rational
answer can play no part in my treatment.
Once
again, expressing my fear has helped reduce it. In their book
'Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder', Veale and Willson tell us
to:
Face Everything And Recover
Most
things lose their power if they are locked away or hidden, but thoughts
and fears grow stronger. In reality this is nothing to do with God,
because if God is there He knows my heart; it is about the way in which
people bring fear into the lives of others. I find our culture of
'musts' and 'must nots' very hard to deal with, and I wish that we
could let go of the complexity that Man has brought to a world which
is simply beautiful.
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12 January 2009 (1)
I've
finally finished writing up my ideas for the book - the one which will
combine my photographs and the writings of people who battle with
mental health issues. My determination to complete this project before
the end of the year is strong, as is my resolve to help reduce the
stigmas and misconceptions surrounding mental illness.
Flo (my
Fluoxetine) is being a good friend to me at the moment, and I am aware
that she is having to work very hard. The lows are there, and I am
battling with my self esteem, but I am not overwhelmed by the darkness
of the winter months. My depression isn't prejudice - it loves the
summer as much as the winter - but during the darker months it will
inevitably make its presence known.
Without doubt my mind
functions differently with the medication, and sometimes I
find
myself concentrating very hard to understand if something is
appropriate, or to find the right connections in my head. Before I
would worry constantly about any communication and people's perceptions
of me, but that has lessened to a significant extent. Sometimes I can
still hear that voice of worry trying to be heard, and the obsessions
become a little louder again, but my life is no longer dominated by
them. Last night the nightmares came thick and fast, and when they
incorporate religious content I know that Oscar (my OCD) is
bellowing beneath the Fluoxetine; he can always infiltrate my
dreams.
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11 January 2009
I've been at Missenden all day today for an animal drawing class with
Jonathan - nice group of people. He makes it look so easy!
I'm wearing my liquorice allsorts now, but I think I look a bit silly!
Being
a parent is the hardest job in the world. I won't explain where that
came from!
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10 January 2009 (2)
Ready for baking!
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10 January 2009 (1)
No time to stop tonight; I'm making liquorice
allsorts out of polymer clay for a bracelet or necklace! So far, so
good.
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09 January 2009 (2)
I've
just made some changes to my website; I've added a few more photographs
and moved those taken in Wales and Devon to my nature pages.
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09 January 2009 (1)
I have so
much on my list to do today, but David pointed out the frost on the
spiders' webs, and half the day has gone already.
  
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07 January 2009
Ashridge House is a picture postcard in the snow.
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06 January 2009
I really need to do
something about my short-term memory, and my tendency not to notice the
obvious, such as a large sign on a door saying 'MEN'.
'Make
sure you go in the right changing room', my colleague had reminded me
as I left work for my swim (the ladies' changing room is being
decorated, so it has temporarily been swapped with the men's).
Oh well, at least the two men were visitors and not work colleagues (I
think!).
After
all that, I realised that I'd forgotten my cossie, so there was no swim
for me tonight!
My
new year's resolution is to try and keep my eyes on the ball (if
you'll excuse the pun!).
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05 January 2009
I took lots of photos today, but this was my
favourite; I love to experiment with depth of field.
The
shadows formed by the midday sun lay boldly on the snow, just waiting
to be captured.
I
need to spend time adding to my website, but I haven't got any left at
the moment!
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04 January 2009 (3)
The new link is on my homepage. I hope you enjoy the photographs.
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04 January 2009 (2)
At
2pm on Friday the tractor arrived with fresh beef for the kites to
devour (with a little help from their friends); within a few minutes
the show began (it was a magic show).
I
pushed my camera to its limits in my attempt to get some good
photographs, but it was no match for the professional cameras
that surrounded me with their expensive telephotos lenses and
converters. One day!
Sometimes
I have to recognise the importance of just being somewhere, and (as you
can see from the photo above) I was able to capture buzzards on the
ground. I'm going to spend the rest of the day compiling a
new
page for my website because of the photographic opportunities, which
came my way
this week. More again later!
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04 January 2009 (1)
I'm
back! We spent three nights in Ross on Wye, and visited the farm on
Friday. The sun shone brightly for us, and the red kites
arrived
in their hundreds (literally!). I've just started uploading the
pictures so I'll talk to you again later.
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01 January 2009
Welcome
to the year 2009! I managed to stay awake until midnight last night,
which is good for me; I'm not really a fan of New Year's Eve. Todd the
cat repaid my kindness (I let him sleep on the bed because of the
fireworks) by licking my face at dawn, so I dropped him out of the
bedroom window (actually I gently lowered him on to the conservatory
roof below). He wasn't impressed.
Tomorrow we're going to
visit Gigrin Farm in Mid Wales, so I'll update you over the weekend.
Gigrin Farm is a red kite feeding station, where between three and four
hundred of these beautiful birds book in for an afternoon meal.
I
know it's a long way to go (and very cold), but there are more of them
at the dinner table during the winter. The idea came to me
yesterday morning as I watched David Attenborough surrounded by 5
million bats (how do they count them?!).
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