SLIMMING
PROFESSOR WALLS’S 5 ACE GUIDELINES FOR SLIMMERS AND RELATIVITY EXPOSITION
For slimmers, the most difficult hurdles to overcome, are the nasty jibes and snide remarks from so-called friends and family members about violations of your dieting regime, resulting in the need for you to lie. Well, no longer will you need to articulate these desperate prevarications. Using my excellent guidelines, you may challenge these filthy lies with utter conviction and pride.
GUIDELINE NUMBER 1. HOW TO STOP SNACKING
Start breakfast at 7.30am and make it large enough to last until lunch and start your evening meal straight after it. Go to bed, (or if you want to lose some weight, see guideline number 2).
GUIDELINE NUMBER 2. HOW TO LOSE AT LEAST 2 POUNDS OVERNIGHT, EVERY NIGHT
After gorging all day, strip off and weigh yourself before going to bed. Next morning, before breakfast, use the toilet, strip off and weigh yourself again. You will be amazed how much lighter you are than you were the previous night. This method allows you to enlighten those despicable critics who persistently wind you up, that you shed 2 pounds every night, and you won’t feel guilty from having perjured yourself, because you won’t have! This weight loss is due to overnight dehydration and energy expended tossing and turning worrying about what to have for breakfast when you wake up the next morning.
GUIDELINE NUMBER 3. HOW TO STOP SAMPLING
Convince yourself that sampling food during preparation is unhygienic and could give your guests a virulent disease that might prevent them from coming round again due to death or something worse! Of course, if your guests number amongst those inhuman faultfinders of your eating habits, then you may discount this guideline on the presumption that you may not be too unhappy to see the end of them anyway! This is a splendid way to to end this unnecessary and bitchy criticising!
GUIDELINE NUMBER 4. DEFINE THE CAUSE
It is said that every affect has a cause. Once the cause of your voracity is defined, measures may be taken to obviate the affect! For example, if you deduce that your feet keep taking you unwittingly into the pantry, have them amputated! Cause removed, {together with around a couple of stone (per leg)}. - affect destroyed!
GUIDELINE NUMBER 5. EXERCISE REGULARLY
Dieting will be as much use to you as my glass eye, unless you embark upon a regular exercise regime.
Lifting heavy weights is recommended as a means of turning beer bellies into stomach muscles and expanding the biceps. So try drinking your ale in pints rather than those silly little halves. Always remember Archimedes Principle which propounds that before being swallowed, a half pint of liquid is half as heavy than a pint until consumed, then the empty vessel weighs the same whatever it originally contained.
Never lift any burger lighter than a quarter pounder. Bagels, baguettes and butties enveloping as much filling as possible are heavier and thus also recommended. Lift them as often as you can and watch those muscles ripple.
When you have to visit the loo or the pantry, try jogging there next time, (unless you have followed guideline number 4, in which case, it won’t be possible)! Never let it be said that you are a lazy good for nothing. Tell them who try this ‘put down’ that you exercise as often, if not, more than they do!
Gone are the days when wonderful words like, egg, bacon, dripping, lard, burgers, sausages, chips, fry-ups etc., meant that real food graced our tables. Eating has been transformed into an unsavoury language containing appalling words like, dietary, skimmed, calories, fatty acids, cholesterol, digestion and vegetables.
Not to be outdone, I have now added my illustrious voice to this area of study and offer my own brilliant philosophical summation. Here it is:-
WALLS’S DIETARY THEORY OF RELATIVITY
AN ALTERNATIVE TO EINSTEIN
Size is relative depending upon ‘want’ or ‘need’. If you need to lose weight, ‘small’ is best. On the other hand you may need to, but do not want to, because eating sounds a better proposition than getting skinny, in which case, ‘big’ doesn’t matter. If, alternatively you need to gain weight to get a part in a film or something, then ‘big’ is best. Conversely, you may need to AND want to because eating like a pig is your only means of entertainment in which case, ‘small’ and ‘big’ are irrelevant, therefore, and in this context alone, RELATIVE to each other
