My boyfriend and fellow fencer, David, and I are rather sadistic individuals.
We gain great delight from pinning people to their ideas with blunt
but forcefully driven words, then sit back and watch as our victim dangles there,
trying desperately to free himself. However our methods of verbal fencing differ.
David, an epeeist, is patient. He likes to wait for the victim to make a mistake,
then launch a fast simple attack. To use another metaphor, he lets them did
their own grave, then pushes them in.
I however, as a sabreur, prefer to create my own opportunities with a compound
attack. A disarming smile, a feint with friendly words, then strike! And
unlike David, who will happily watch his victim twist in agony until they break
down and flee, I like to keep things moving. Having strung them up, I see no
point in drawing out the agony, after all, the sooner I cut them down the sooner
I can launch another attack and prove the first wasn't just luck. It also gives
me the glorious irony that the victim, knowing I could have left them to suffer,
is obliged to feel a certain amount of gratitude towards me.
All this becomes more fun the more self-centered, self-confidant and self-assured the
victim is.
One night there was a knock at the door. It was a Foxtel salesman come to
convince us of the necessity of Pay TV.
But this wasn't just any salesdroid. This surely must have been the salesdroid
that gets held up at marketing conventions as an example to all. The salesdroid
that gets employed to sell courses to other salesdroids. He positively oozed
confidence and self-assurance, leaving it in a metaphorical mess on our doorstep.
He knew all the slogens, all the catchwords, and knew his product... or at least
he thought he did.
As the one who answered the door, David was entitled to take the first stab at
him.
The Salesdroid burbled on happily, not even pausing for breath as David and I
watched on with amusement. Inevetibly he reached Foxtel's big selling point,
their Sports Channel. Our eyes gleamed with anticipation, and we exchanged
glances while attempting to suppress evil grins.
The Salesdroid, innocent and unknowing of what he was walking into, asked us;
"So, what sports do you like?"
As is his way, David's response was swift, sharp and brutal.
"Fencing."
The Salesdroid paused, panic and confusion flashing briefly across his features
as he sought desperately for a reference, grappled for a handhold from which to
relaunch his spiel. He failed.
"Fencing? Ah, what's that?"
"Fencing," David made the obligatory swish swish stabbing motion. "With swords."
"Oh, ha ha, is that what it's called? Fencing? I didn't know that... ha ha.
Ah... fencing."
He was pinned. As is my way, I offered him a lifeline.
"And cricket." I offered.
I have one rule when offering lifelines, there is only one chance. If they miss
it, they deserve to drown.
The salesdroid was still reeling from the fencing blow, he didn't notice.
His desperate search through memory had yielded nothing, so he decided to play
it safe.
"Er, fencing. I don't know, but I'd be very suprised if it wasn't here. We
have darts, we have chess.. Chess, ah, we have darts and we have chess,
so ... you see Foxtel is about giving you what you want to watch when you want
to watch it."
He was back on track. Not very elegant, but he'd recovered. My turn.
He blathered on for a while, extolling the virtues and values of Foxtel. Then
he paused.
"What about Science Fiction?" I enquired.
"Science Fiction? Ah, Science Fiction. Um, yes, er... which one would that be
on... um"
I waited politely, smiling in what I think was a friendly fashion.
"I think it would probably be on this channel... yes, this one has a lot of the
things which haven't been shown on Australian TV. Um... yes, we have Star Trek,
I'm sure we have Star Trek."
Ah, Star Trek. Even the greatest of the SF illiterate have heard of that. He
later claimed to be Star Trek fan, but, call me cynical, I doubt it. Perhaps it
was the way he confused Babylon 5 for DS9, and took considerable convincing that
my B5 G'kar figure wasn't a ST Klingon (I assume that's what he thought it was,
he never did get the name out).
"And this channel too, I think. It has... Science Fiction, Fiction,Science
shows Drama, Soap Operas... lots of good stuff, and you can always tape it to
watch later. Foxtel is about giving you what you want to watch, when you want
to watch it."
Anyway, we'd had our fun, David wanted his dinner, and we'd already pretty much
decided we were going to sign up before he arrived. We settled back to enjoy
the aftermath as we filled in the forms. We
weren't dissapointed. The desperate references to Fencing and Star Trek, and
Xena when I let that name drop, continued right up until he was out the door
and we'd closed it behind him.
Once the Salesdroid was gone we primped and preened a little before settling
down with a self-satisfied air to watch free-to-air TV and debate the
probability of fencing actually appearing on Fox Sports.