The hobbies of Simon Quinlank
ANSWER ME!!
Good. It is I, Simon Quinlank with my regular hobby spot that by now has become familiar to anyone who has heard it several times.
Yes! I am the Grand Master of Hobby and you are my metaphorical hobby pawns.
This week's hobby is a very exciting one, combining the two most pleasurable things on the planet Earth.
Hobbies...and death.
What you will need for this hobby.
Access to having your hobby opinions broadcast on one or more of the countries media.
A propensity for danger.
A flask of weak lemon drink.
And a gun with REAL bullets. HaHAhaHAhahAHaHA!!
Mmmmmm! I like it.
This hobby is a good hobby if you are keen to prove conclusively that your hobby monarchy is indisputable and that you are prepared to risk your very life to prove that. It is especially good if the idea of your own death thrills and excites you and if you believe that death will only make you stronger than before, like those skellingtons in Jason and the Argonauts.
This week's hobby is called 'The Hobby Russian Roulette Hobby'.
What you must do.
First, get a job on the radio or television telling the public about hobbies. You must have done EXACTLY sixteen radio hobbies and four TV hobbies before you can attempt hobby russian roulette. It doesn't matter if the TV hobbies are just copied off the radio. That is best in fact as it annoys people who wrongly think that I was good on the radio but then sold out for going on TV.
When you have done the requisite number of hobbies, instuct the foolish hosts of your show to announce a vote as to whether you should live or die.
Sit at home and listen to the announcement.
RICH: We're a bit fed up of Simon Quinlank.
STEW: I mean antique smashing, that's just egg smashing changed a bit.
RICH: So, what we want to do is you're the jury. We want you to decide if Simon Quinlank should live or die. Write in and let us know what you think.
STEW: We'll act on your advice.
RICH: Yeah, should be good.
HAhAHaHAhAhhahAHhAh!! Listen to them announcing it, those idiots! They can barely speak.
Then, simply wait for the votes confirming the love you have for the public to roll in.
Do not drink your weak lemon drink while you are waiting. *snigger* However tempting it looks, you must save it until later.
[FX: DOOR OPENS]
When the letters arrive, open them and read what they say. HahAhAHa!
Now, let's see. David Patrick of Reading says: "Yes! Kill Simon Quinlank! Kill him I say. And replace him with respected playwrite Patrick Marber."
Oh dear.
I like your writing style David, but your opinions are wrong!
Shall I be killed? I wonder.
Peter Tunsdan of Grantham says: "Simon Quinlank should die as he just a great big baby and no more the King of Hobbies than you or I."
oh!oh!
Vicky from Bristol says: "Simon Quinlank should die a nasty death by drowning in a pool of wee and weak lemon drink. He is Useless!"
Oh dear.
Well, it doesn't look good.
It seems I must die.
My last request is to drink my weak lemon drink. Drink it in rememberance of me when I am gone, my friends.
Ahhh!
The prospect of death makes it's weakness all the more tangible.*sigh*
I had better raise the gun to my hobby face, and pull the trigger.
[FX: A SINGLE GUNSHOT]
[FX: DOOR OPENS]
WAIT! I missed!
Which is fortunate as the second post has arrived.
Let's see what they say.
James Hobbs and Peter James of Oxford say: "Simon Quinlank is an inspiration to us and when he is one hundred years old, inspired by his antique smashing hobby, we will take great pleasure in beating his wizened frame to a pulp with a hammer. HahA! GOOD!
Darren Philips of Lowestoft prison who despite living in such a terrible place, Lowestoft, says: "The Hobbymeister," mmmmm like it," should live because he is good." YOU CAN'T ARGUE WITH THAT!
Jo and Kate of London donned masks of my face and had their photos taken in a photo booth in honour of my survival!!
BWAHaHHAHahahAhaHahAhah!!!!!
In all only twelve stupid people wished to see me dead, whereas eighty-nine said I should live! And remember, people who voted against me, I know where you live.
ANYWAY! I AM SAVED!HahAHAhAHAHaHAAHAHAHAH!!!Yes, I must live!
[FX: CHURCH BELLS RING IN CELEBRATION]
Drink your weak lemon drink, my friends! And prepare for my hobby return next week!
HahHahAhAHAhaha!!
I AM THE LORD OF ALL HOBBIES! I HAVE A MANDATE TO HOBBY FOREVER!! AND YOU MUST DO HOBBIES IN MY HONOUR!!!
HAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAH!!!!!!!!!!
RICH: Yeah, it's all very well for Simon Quinlank to be delighted by his survival, isn't it Stew? He doesn't have to write the rubbish.