From episode 2 of the first Fist of Fun TV series
STEW - This week I have been unable to sleep because everytime I close my eyes I'm chased through a maze by giant rats with the faces of all the comedians on TV. So, I'm out most nights driving round and round the Elephant and Castle roundabout in south London, in my buff metallic 1973 Hillman Avenger, shouting out of the open window "Damn you! Damn you to hell, Patrick Marber!" And last week I got pulled over by the police and they just messed me around for two hours. I don't know why that was at all.
RICH - I wonder what that could all have been about, Stew? It's terrible isn't it?
STEW - I dunno, pigs!
RICH - Pigs, hey? That was terrible.
STEW - Yeah.
RICH - Do you think it was something you said or did, maybe?
STEW - No, nothing.
RICH - Do you really think so?
STEW - Yeah.
RICH - I think it was probably was something you said, Stew. And to prove it I want to recreate exactly what happened that night. Come with me, over here.
[They move over to the far side of the studio, where a buff metallic 1973 Hillman Avenger stands in front of a backdrop painting of a large elephant with a castle on its back]
This is the Elephant and Castle, Stew. I painted that.
STEW - That's my car!
RICH - Yeah, I hope you don't mind. I brought it along, we need it for the reconstruction. And what else we need for the reconstruction is the police officer who stopped you that night. Ladies and Gentleman, will you welcome PC Andy Rotherie!
[PC ROTHERIE ENTERS TO THE Z-CARS THEME]
RICH - Okay, guys. What I want you to do is recreate the exact conversation you really had. The genuine converstion, Stew. And if I think you've made some kind of mistake, in your dealings with PC Rotherie here, I'll ring on this buzzer.
[FX: BZZZTT!]
Like that, you see. So if you'll get in the car, Stew. This is a bit like something Chris Evans would do, isn't it? Something from his ginger imagination. Imagine that! So let's try the recreation now, let's go.
PC - Do you mind getting out of the car, Sir?
STEW - Yeah, sure. [STEW GETS OUT OF THE CAR]
PC - Is this your car, Sir?
STEW - Yeah.
PC - Have you been drinking tonight, Sir?
STEW - No.
PC - Do you take drugs at all?
STEW - Yes. Yes, I do.
[FX: BZZZTT!]
RICH - [TALKS TO THE AUDIENCE] Now, can anyone spot the mistake there? That Stewart Lee made in his dealings with the police. [TURNS TO OLD WOMAN IN THE AUDIENCE] What would you say, if a policeman asked you if you took drugs?
OLD WOMAN - No.
RICH - See? Most people would say no. What do you think, officer?
PC - I would have preferred that, yes.
STEW - But, I do take drugs! Just the occasional puff on a funny cigarette admittedly...Mum...But I'm in my mid-twenties, I'm driving a rubbish car, I've got an earring and funny hair and I work in TV. Of course I take drugs. You don't need a certificate from the Hendon Police Training College to work that out, do you?
RICH - The point is, you shouldn't be honest with the police. It confuses them. Okay, carry on.
PC - So you take drugs then, Sir?
STEW - Yeah, I do. But I haven't got any on me tonight so there is no point in searching me.
[FX: BZZZTT!]
What now! What?!
RICH - What do you think is going to happen if you tell a policeman you do take drugs, but he doesn't need to bother searching you tonight, for some reason.
STEW - [PUTS HANDS OVER HIS EYES AS HE THINKS] Uhh...is it?...uhh
RICH - Think, Stew! Think!
PC - [WHISPERED TO STEW] That I'd let you go.
STEW - What?
PC - [WHISPERED TO STEW] That I would let you go.
STEW - Is it that he'd let me go?
RICH - NO!!!!
PC - [LAUGHS OUT LOUD AT HAVING TRICKED STEW AND THEN POINTS HIS FOREFINGER AT HIS HEAD] Dur! Urrr!
RICH - He's going to have to search you now, isn't he? Obviously you idiot! Sorry, carry on.
PC - Oh, are we some kind of comedian, Sir?
STEW - Yes, I am. That is very astute of you officer. I am a stand up comedian. That's the kind of comedian I am.
[FX: BZZZTT!]
RICH - Now, you're being sarcastic to a policeman!
STEW - I wasn't! I just answered his question!
RICH - You said it in a sarcastic way! There's nothing the police hate more than sarcasm, not even crime! Rodney King was sarcastic to the police. Look what happened to him.
STEW - He wasn't.
RICH - He was. He went "You'll never catch me, nyhaa!"
STEW - You don't see it on the video.
RICH - No, you don't see it, but it's there.
STEW - So what you're saying, right, is that I shouldn't be honest to the police?
PC - Well, listen sunbeam. We don't expect it and we don't like it.
STEW - Right.
RICH - Well, thanks very much PC Rotherie for comming on and making Stew look like the idiot he really is.
PC - Absolute pleasure. Could I just make an important anouncement. If there are any children watching tonight, if anyone comes up to you in the street and offers you drugs, just say no. And come and get them off me down at the station. I've got some really good ones. Just ask for Andy.