Stew on The Comedy Network
I was on the South Circular road in South London and I drove past a church there. Big sign outside, six foot high, orange, capital letters. It said 'You won't get to Heaven on the South Circular.'
And I thought, "No, but I will get to Balham, where I live."
The church had made a mistake there. What they had done is confuse praying for eternal life with the purpose of a road transport bypass system.
Evangelists came to my door early on Sunday morning. He knocked on my door and I went down. He said to me, "Sir, the answer is Jesus. Now what is the question?"
And I said, "Is the question, whose birthday do we celebrate on the twenty-fifth of December?"
He said, "No! It isn't that. Guess again."
I said, "Is the question, for which role was Robert Powell nominated for an Oscar?"
He said, "No! It isn't that. Guess again."
I said, "Is the question, born in 0BC, I am the inventor of Christianity. Which J am I?"
He said, "No! It isn't that. Guess again."
I said, "Is the question, complete the name of this early 1970s item of fashionable Hippy footwear, The blank Sandle?"
He said, "No! It isn't that. Guess again."
I said, "Is it, complete the name of this influential early 1980s Scottish Indie Rock band, The blank and Mary Chain?"
He said, "No! It isn't that. Guess again."
I said, "Is it, complete the name of this influential late 1980s Chicago Indie band, the blank Lizard."
He said, "I don't know. I've not heard of them."
I said, "Surely it's obvious what they're called by now?"
Then he said to me, "You obviously think it's very clever to be sarcastic."
And I said, "No."
He said, "You obviously do! You were doing it then!"
I said, "No. You were."
He said, "No! It was you!"
I said, "No. You were being sarcastic. It was you."
That went on for about two hours.
I used to be an atheist, but I was walking through the shopping centre the other day and a nun stopped me, asking me to give some money to charity. And I said I wouldn't, because I was an atheist, and I didn't believe that God existed. And do you know what she said to me? "Ah, well he does."
You can't argue with that kind of logic. That was the point I was converted.
Personally, I am of the opinion that children should be seen and not heard. Which is why I spend a lot of my leisure time looking over the fence of the local infant's school with my ears stuffed with cotton wool.
When I was a kid, I used to think I had a photographic memory. All of my memories were blurred and out of focus. Cut off at the neck.
It was an amateur photographic memory.
I had quite a bad childhood, because I grew up by the seaside, which meant we had to go on holiday on the land. We'd go and stand on the land, looking at land, as far as the eye could see. Skimming flat stones across the land.
The climax of the week would be burying my Grandad up to his neck in some soil.
Just took my seven year-old nephew, Simon, to the swimming baths. When we were getting changed after going swimming, and he looked down between my legs and he said to me, "Uncle Stew? Is that your hairy gorilla?"
And I said to him, "No, Simon, it isn't. Get dry and dressed."
He looked down between my legs again, about four...six...seven minutes later, he said to me, "Uncle Stew? Is that your skin banana?"
And I said to him, "No, Simon, for the second time, it isn't. Now get dry and put your clothes on, stop messing around being stupid.
And he looked between my legs again about seven...nine...ten minutes later, and he said to me, "Uncle Stew? Is that your one-eyed snake?"
And I said to him, "No, Simon, for the last time, it isn't any of those things. It isn't any of the stupid childish things that you've said. This is my penis and down underneath it here are my testicles, these are my male reproductive organs. There's nothing funny or rude or embarrasing about them, and I'd prefer it in future if you'd learn to take the time and trouble to refer to them by their correct scientific names. And anyway, Simon, at least my penis has some hair around it, unlike yours, which just looks like some chicken giblets.
Because you have to be firm with kids. You have to be cruel to be kind.
It's actually wrong, of course. You have to be kind to be kind.
I got the words the wrong way round there, but it's an easy mistake to make.