RICH -I thought the Spice Girls were a bit disappointing on the Brits.
STU -Why?
RICH -Not all the Spice Girls were there.
STU -Well, they were.
RICH -Geri wasn't there. Instead of Geri they had this chubby, red-faced, middle-aged, bag lady wearing a bright orange clown's wig. That's not as good as Geri.
STU -I can't believe you still like the Spice Girls. You should follow someone new. Everyone likes Cleopatra now.
RICH -No, I will always love the Spice Girls, no matter what atrocities they commit.
STU -What do you mean?
RICH -I've been following them ever since they began their careers...They don't know it's me who has been following them.
STU -You are sick, Rich.
RICH -Or who it is who has been sending them the drawings.
STU -You are sick, sick!
RICH -They are very tasteful drawings, Stu, and I'd ask you this question: Who is the real sick man in this so-called society?
Is it the ordinary, normal man who gets some harmless pleasure from stalking five innocent young women, and then possibly sending them drawings - that he's done himself...
STU -You are sick!
RICH -...of his winkie.
STU -You ARE sick!
RICH -Wait! Judge not lest ye be judged!
STU -What are you doing saying that?
RICH -I'm not saying I'm Jesus, Stu. That is for other people to say. Let me finish, Stu!
...of his winkie, depicted as a dragon. They're very tasteful, like a Marillion sleeve.
STU -You are sick!
RICH -Is he the sick one in this society? Or... is it the businessman in his suit and tie - drawing up his expense account?
Yeah, think about it.
STU -Well... it's the first one, Rich. It's the dragon-stalking-winkie bloke. That one, he's the sick one. The businessman has done nothing wrong.
RICH -Well, in that case, yeah. That wasn't a very good example.
STU -You chose it!
RICH -Well, I didn't think it through!
STU -Well, think it through!
RICH -But I didn't think it through!
STU -If you read the papers yesterday, or a week ago if it's now the Friday night repeat, you'll have seen Judge Mr Justice Harman resigned. He's a judge notable for making a few crazy statements in his career. Perhaps the most outrageous was when a woman in his court asked to be addressed as Ms, and he said "I've always thought there are only three types of women in the world; wives, whores and mistresses."
RICH -Ridiculous thing to say. It's awful isn't it? I mean, there are only two types of women; wives and whores.
NO, I'm joking! In the bad old days, in the seventies, men used to genuinely believe that there were only two types of women, the angel and the whore. I'm glad I live in the nineties with The Spice Girls and girl power. They've shown how ridiculous that idea is. There are actually five types of women.
STU -That's just as biased!
RICH -Five very distinct types, Stu. Not two, like you and Bernard Manning think.
STU -I don't think that! I've said!
RICH -And the Spice Girls each represent one of the five types.
STU -I'd love to see you explain how that works.
RICH -All right, Stu, I will with the aid of these cardboard cut-outs.
The first type of woman, of the five, is represented by Posh Victoria Spice. She's sophisticated, she's a lady. Not the kind of woman you can take to Pizza Hut, no. She's classy. You'd have to take her to Pizza Express.
STU -You can't say that! It's sexist!
RICH -It's not! Only one in five women are like that. Not one in two, like you and Jim Davidson think.
STU -I don't think that! I said!
RICH -The second type of women is represented by Scary Mel B. She represents the kind of woman who is obsessed with sex. Sex! Sex! Sex! That's all she thinks about! She wants it Stu! She's a whore! A jezebel! She's a harlot! She's a bed bucket!
STU -A bed bucket?
RICH -Yes, Stu! She wants it! It's not sexist. Only one in five women are like that, Stu. Not one in two like you and Geoffrey Boycott think.
STU -I don't think that!
RICH -The third type of woman is represented by Ginger Geri. She's the one with the red hair. Though, if you've seen the photos of her on the Internet doing that Kung-Fu kick you'll know she's not a natural red head. She's a leader, Stu. She's powerful, she's manipulative. She manipulates men to do what she wants.
STU -You can't say that.
RICH -She's like Margaret Thatcher, but with a nicer arse.
RICH -
The fourth type of woman is represented by Baby Emma. She represents the
one in five women who are blond... and nothing else.
STU -You can't say that!
RICH -One in five are like that, not one in two like you and Skeletor think.
STU -I don't think that! [TO AUDIENCE] Don't clap him!
RICH -No, it's true.
The final type of woman is represented by Sporty Melanie Chisholm.
STU -Chisholm?
RICH -Chisholm, Stu. Jissom.
She represents the final twenty percent of women, which is ugly women... who can jump.
STU -You can't say that!
RICH -She's got an ugly face, Stu, but boy watch her leap. It's incredible! Look, like a Zebedee or something!
STU -Are you saying that nature has given her the jumping ability as some kind of compensation for the ugliness? Is that it?
RICH -I think that's too simplistic an explanation; the nature argument. That's what a lamb would think.
STU -Don't patronise me.
RICH -I think it's nurture. I think Melanie Chisholm--
STU -Chisholm?
RICH -Chisholm, Stu. Chisholm has been nurtured by society to jump, right? I think Melanie Chisholm was born. She looked in the mirror.
STU -What? In the hospital?
RICH -Yeah.
STU -As a baby?
RICH -Yeah. She thought "Oh dear, I'm a bit ugly. Better learn a skill ."
STU -What? Jumping up and down?
RICH -Yeah, men love a jumping woman. You think about it, jumping is the only way an ugly woman can procreate. Imagine the scene, you're sitting in your house, minding your own business, right. Melanie Chisholm--
STU -Chisholm?
RICH -Chisholm, kind of leapt in through your window, did a cartwheel across the floor, did a backflip up onto your lap. Collected your gametes.
STU -Chisholm?
RICH -No, gametes is more polite, Stu. In her ovaries, and be out the window before you've had a chance to look at her. Just as she disappearing down the street you'll go "Hold on, she's a bit ugly!"
Too late, Stu! She's got your gametes! The ugly-woman line will continue! YAAAAY! I can feel them fertilising!
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