The Girl Who Smelt of Spam

From episode 6 of series 1. This sketch appeared in a similar form in the first 'Fist of Fun' Radio series.

RICH - One of the advantages of being on the old wazzock's lantern is you can get in contact with all those people you've lost touch with over the years. There are still some people I wonder where they are. I often wonder what happened to my old friend, Mike Cosgrave.

STEW - That's Mike Cosgrave, your best friend from Devon?

RICH - Yeah. Mike 'Devon' Cosgrave. I often wonder.

STEW - Mike actually lives in your flat, with you, Rich.

RICH - Does he? I've never seen him.

STEW - Well, he goes out to work in the day, you see. And at night he goes out with his fiancé. And they come back after you've gone to bed.

RICH - I wondered who had been eating all my spaghetti.

STEW - It's him.

RICH - Yeah, but thanks to Fist Of Fun, I've managed to track down another of those old forgotten faces from my past. So would you please welcome her, ladies and gentlemen. It's the girl from my school who smelt of spam.

[The Girl Who Smelt Of Spam enters]

RICH - Hello, The girl that smelt of spam.

THE GIRL WHO SMELT OF SPAM - Hello Richard. Very nice of you to have me on the show after all this time.

RICH - Sit down. Please sit down.

[TGWSOS sits in an chair. Rich and Stew sit on a settee next to the chair]

RICH - If you remember, you sat at the back on your own in spelling, because no one wanted to sit with you. You lived above the laundrette with your Mum and you had sort of yellowy, gingery, black, brown hair. Didn't you?

TGWSOS - Yes.

STEW - Look, I'm really sorry. I didn't know he was going to do this. [STEW puts his hand on her knee]

RICH - Oohh! Stew! You touched the girl that smelt of spam! You touched her! Ohh-smello!

STEW - Grow up! Stop it!

RICH - Smello!

STEW - Don't be so childish! That's pathetic that is. This is your guest.

RICH - [trying to drown RICH out] OOOOOOHH!

TGWSOS - If I could just interrupt you, Richard. I never actually did smell of spam.

RICH - You did! O-Smello! Spam pants! Spam!

TGWSOS - I didn't Ric...

RICH - [interrupting] SPAM!

[There is a small pause]

TGWSOS - I didn't...

RICH - [interrupting again] SPAM!

TGWSOS - I didn't smell of spam.

RICH - You did.

TGWSOS - Did you ever actually smell me?

RICH - URRGHH NO! If you went near you, you got fleas! I wouldn't even touch you!

TGWSOS - Richard, I didn't have fleas. I think you'll find that the flea is a member of the Syphanatria species of insect and is parasitic chiefly on rodents of the mammalian class.

STEW - See.

TGWSOS - Most larger animals that suckle their young are mainly free of flea infestation.

RICH - Hmmmmm...Well, you still smell of spam.

TGWSOS - I didn't Richard. It was just that because I wore glasses, had slightly unusually coloured hair and my mother...

RICH - Who looked like a MAN.

TGWSOS - Yes, who happened to look like a man. Couldn't afford to buy me a proper school uniform that you all picked on me. Was that really something so clever to mock?

RICH - [looks downcast for a few seconds] SPAM!

STEW - Stop it! She doesn't smell of anything!

RICH - She does! [RICH holds his nose]

STEW - Surely, the only point to having the girl who smelt of spam on the show now is for you to ask her what she is doing today. Not just to go on at her like you did twenty years ago, it's pathetic.

RICH - Yeah, all right. So what are you doing these days, the girl who smelt of spam. Apart from smelling of spam, of course.

TGWSOS - Well, Rich. Due to all the taunts and cruelty I suffered as a child, I came to believe that I really was worthless. Through my teens I looked for comfort in a string of meaningless sexual encounters. I would comit the most degrading acts just for the few seconds of attention it would bring. In the end I had a child, Amy. Who I loved and she loved me too. But the authorities declared me an unfit parent and she was taken away from me. I don't know where she is. [TGWSOS breaks down into tears]

STEW - [STEW helps TGWSOS off the set and then returns to RICH] Oh, well done, Rich. That's very good isn't it? I hope you're pleased with yourself for making that woman's life turn out like that. I hope you are.

RICH - Well, it does seem bad. The taunting doesn't seem so clever now I'm twenty-seven. Just childish isn't it. I hope that any five or six year old children watching the show tonight will learn the improtant moral I've learnt tonight. That you should treat all your classmates as equals no matter what their background or appearance.

STEW - That's really good, Rich. I'm really glad you've managed to see that, because it was quite embarrasing [STEW sits down in chair]

RICH - Stew?

STEW - What?

RICH - You're sitting in that chair.

STEW - Yeah, so what?

RICH - [RICH stands and points at STEW] That's the chair the girl who smelt of spam sat in!

STEW - Don't be so stupid!

RICH - [Backs away from STEW] UHHH! Get Away! Spammo! Get Away! You've got the stinking spam disease!

[STEW chases RICH from the set]