STU - Well, that's the end of the series and the show--
ROD HULL - What is the meaning of this?! I went to that hotel to get the
jelly you mentioned. There was none to be seen! How dare you treat ME, Rod Hull,
like that?!
STU - Well, I wouldn't treat Rod Hull like that, but you are not the real Rod Hull, are you?
ROD HULL - [In a strange quacking voice] I AM ROD HULL!
RICH - Stu, he says he's Rod Hull. He must be!
STU - Rich, I have suspected for two weeks now that we have been dealing
with an imposter. A sly imposter, but an imposter none the less, and I now I think
I've found someone who can prove it! Will you please welcome the evidence!
[THE REAL ROD HULL WALKS ON STAGE TO HUGE APPLAUSE]
RICH - I can't believe my eyes! There must be a mirror!
STU - Thanks for coming on the show here tonight.
THE REAL ROD HULL - Stewart, thankyou very much in deed for asking me. That's awfully kind of you.
STU -Now, you claim that you are the real Rod Hull.
THE REAL ROD HULL - I don't claim, I am Rod Hull.
THE FALSE ROD HULL - No, no! I am you-- ME. I AM ROD HULL! Anyway, you don't look anything like Rod Hul-- me, I mean!
THE REAL ROD HULL - I'll tell you what, I've brought something along. Look, see that? It's a photo of me and Emu and it says underneath 'Rod Hull and Emu'.
And another thing, I've found a film clip. That would prove it.
[CLIP PLAYS OF ROD HULL AND EMU]
ROD HULL - [TO EMU] Stop it! It's that fly again. [TO AUDIENCE] Do you know you've got a fly in your television set?
[CLIP ENDS]
THE REAL ROD HULL - So, I hope that all proves it to you. That piece of film and that photograph was manifest, undeniable, graphic, evidence that I am the real Rod Hull and you are a mere fabrication.
THE FALSE ROD HULL - No, no, no!! That was manifest, undeniable, graphic, proof that I'm the REAL ROD HULL and you are FALSE!
THE REAL ROD HULL - That is no argument, is it? All you've done is to use the same words that I've used and put your own inflection on it! You do it all the time!
THE FALSE ROD HULL - You do it all the time!
THE REAL ROD HULL - You're doing it now!
THE FALSE ROD HULL - You're doing it now, aren't you!
THE REAL ROD HULL - You're the fake, I'm original! You want to be me? Do you know what you want? You want the Moon on a stick!
Tell me something, False Rod, is that a real arm?
THE FALSE ROD HULL - Yes! It is a real arm, False Rod!
[THE REAL ROD HULL PULLS THE FALSE ARM OFF THE FALSE ROD HULL]
Ow! Ow! My real arm! Now there will be real blood all over the stage!
[THE REAL ROD HULL PULLS BACK THE FALSE ROD HULL'S JACKET TO REVEAL THE FALSE ROD'S REAL ARM]
Ah, oh! It's grown back! It's a miracle!!
RICH - Rod, stop making a fool of yourself. Answer me a question: Are you the Real Rod Hull?
[FALSE ROD LOOKS AT REAL ROD]
No, you!
THE FALSE ROD HULL - Oh...Yes, I am the real Rod Hull!
[THE REAL ROD HULL PULLS THE FALSE CHIN OFF OF THE FALSE ROD HULL]
RICH - And this ridiculous wig.
THE FALSE ROD HULL - No, no! The hair is real.
RICH - Oh, sorry. I'm going to ask you the question once again. Listen
carefully to what I say. Think very carefully before you answer: Are you the
Real Rod Hull, Rod?
THE FALSE ROD HULL - [VERY QUIETLY] No.
RICH - What did you say?
THE FALSE ROD HULL - NO, I'M NOT! I'M NOT HIM!
RICH - I'm very cross with you, False Rod Hull. I trusted you and now look an idiot in front of everyone!
THE FALSE ROD HULL - I-I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. Can I now please have my JELLY!
STU - No you can't! [TO AUDIENCE] No, don't encourage him.
You've got over four bowls of jelly out of this show under false pretences. No way!
THE FALSE ROD HULL - Excuse me, real, genuine, three-dimensional Rod Hull.
[FALSE ROD KNEELS IN FRONT OF STU]
Please! I luuuuuurrrrrrrvvvvee Jelly!
STU -No, off you go.
THE FALSE ROD HULL - Awww. [FALSE ROD CRAWLS OFF STAGE] Oh no! What shall I
do? What shall become of me?! Sans arm, sans chin, sans jelly. Sans everything.
RICH - Rod, I can only say I'm filled with embarresment over this incident. It's terrible.
THE REAL ROD HULL - Well, I honestly don't know how you two chaps were taken in by that.
RICH - Well, you know, he came in, this man (whoever he is) and said he was the real Rod Hull. Why should we doubt him? He went through a lot of trouble with that disguise just to get a few bowls of jelly.
THE REAL ROD HULL - Have you thought of it from my point of view? I mean, it's almost offensive, isn't it? How can you expect that cheap and tawdry character, that reprobate, that dropout, that amateur, to be me? Really me? He doesn't look like me, doesn't talk like me, doesn't dress like me.
And the arm was false.
I think this whole episode has been a bit... juvenile.
RICH - Well, all I can say Rod is that we are genuinely very sorry for any offense. Really, we really are.
THE REAL ROD HULL - Right, I accept that.
Now, can I have my jelly?
[THE REAL ROD ATTACKS RICH AND STU] You said I could have jelly!
[SHRIEKING] GREEN JELLY! BECAUSE I LOVE JELLY!!! I AM ROD HULL!!!!!
THE REAL ROD HULL - Ah, thank you. Jelly. [STU PUTS THE SPOON IN ONE OF
REAL ROD'S REAL HANDS, BUT HE SEEMS UNABLE TO HOLD IT AND IT DROPS TO THE FLOOR]
So, is another series of Fist of Fun in the pipeline?