Peter's Page

Hello. My name is Peter and I am here to give you some of my lifestyle tips to fill up the horrible dull parts of your day when you are awake.

Watching telly is great fun, but if you haven't got one, because the man who lives upstairs with a spider tattoed on his face, came into your room one day and said "I'm having your telly." then you must find other things to do.

You can try making imaginary friends. I'm not very good at this, because I'll start with an arm, but when I start on the face I'll have forgotten the arm, and the head will get connected to a teapot or something.

Another way to pass the time is with drugs.

Unfortunately real ones are expensive and some of them can make you die or feel hot. So I've worked out some ways you can simulate their effects, but at a fraction of the cost.

Number one. Give yourself the massive confidence boost that some drugs give you by going and looking at something you know you're better than. I usually use this piece of dirt here, or a spider.

You have to be careful with spiders in case he starts doing something he's better at than you, like making webs or crawling up the side of the bath. Or having eight legs.

You could always retaliate by whistling and clicking your fingers, which spiders can't do.

Number two. Get the effects of cannabis by sitting in the bath, smoking a cigarette, and standing up really suddenly in the bath.

Finally, go into the Bedford Pub on Bedford hill in Balham, walk up to the huge, frightening man, who lives in the bedsit next to mine, and who once came into my room at three o'clock in the morning and tried to put handcuffs on me and touch my face, and do a spit in his beer.

This should create the common drug effect of having to be rushed suddenly to hospital, very close to the point of death.