From the first Fist of Fun TV series
with Rich as Pestilence. This sketch first appeared in 'Lionel Nimrod's
Inexplicable World'.
PESTILENCE - I am Pestilence. One of the Four Horsemen of the
Apocalypse and my day begins at six am. [FX: ALARM CLOCK RINGS AND HE GETS
OUT OF BED. HE HAS A TEDDY BEAR DRESSED IN BLACK LIKE HIM AND IT LOOKS AS
EQUALLY DISEASED AS PESTILENCE AS WELL]. [IN HIS KITCHEN HE EATS A BOWL
OF CORNFLAKES] Each day, as I have done since the beginning of all time, I
call one of the other horsemen to see if today is the day. [HE DIALS A
NUMBER ON HIS TELEPHONE] Hello, War?
WAR - Pestilence?! It's six o'clock in the morning! What do you
want?
PESTILENCE - Is it the apocalypse today, War?
WAR - Pestilence, has Babylon the great mother of all harlots and
abomination of the Earth drunk the blood of the saints yet?
PESTILENCE - [LOOKS OUT OF WINDOW] Uh...no. Oh! ...No.
WAR - Then it's not the bloody apocalypse, is it? PRAT! [HANGS UP]
[PESTILENCE NOTICES HIS BOWL IS EMPTY AND SCRAPES SOME OF HIS FLAKY SKIN
INTO IT AND THEN EATS THE FLAKES]
PESTILENCE - No, no. I don't have a horse anymore. You have to move
with the times and a horse, well, it's not the most modern or efficient way
to spread pestilence around the world, is it? So now I've got a milk float,
which, I suppose, makes me the Milkman of the Apocalypse. And it means I
can do a milk round! Which gets me out of the house.
Yeah, I know what the others say about me behind my back. That I could
drive a big fast car or a tank instead, but a milk float is runs on
electricity, which is good for the environment. I know that comes a bit rich
coming from me, considering that eventually I am going to be responsible
for the decimation of the entire planet Earth. But until that day, we've
only got one world, and I for one intend to look after it.
FAMINE - What can I say? The man is an absolute stupid arse! If the
rest of us aren't busy we try and do something destructive with our time.
Keep our hand in. War might pop down to the Gulf and write 'Saddam Hussein
is gay love Kuwait' on a wall or Death might try and persuade Evil Kinevil
to come out of retirement. We HATE being around with pestilence. When the
four of us go out together he makes us look like idiots.
[SCENE: THREE BLACK AND TERRIBLE HORSEMEN THUNDER ACROSS THE LANDSCAPE
FOLLOWED VERY SLOWLY BY A MILK FLOAT]
MRS DAMFLEECE - Yoo-hoo! Morning, Pestilence!
PESTILENCE - Morning, Mrs Damfleece. The usual two pints?
MRS DAMFLEECE - Ohhh yes please, you charmer. He's the best milky
we ever had, and though he's a bit odd looking, I know lots of housewives
round here who'd love to get their hands on his extra pinter, if you know
what I mean. I mean his cock.
PESTILENCE - I've got to be careful though. I keep my supply of
pestilence in milk bottles on my float, and once I accidentally got the milk
and the pestilence mixed up. It took me a while to build up the round again
after that, I can tell you. I am a dafty. Eight pm. I've watched
Emmerdale and it's time for bed. I like the milk round, I like meeting
people and I like milk. [PESTILENCE HUGS HIS TEDDY BEAR AND ITS HEAD FALLS
OFF] Maybe tomorrow will be the apocalypse. I hope not, Mrs Damfleece's
husband is away on business and she's ordered some of my special yoghurt.
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