From an episode of the 1995 'Fist of Fun' Radio
One show
For thirty years, Anthony Hopkins corresponded with Anne Bancroft from
his bookshop at 84 Charing Cross Road. And the two bookworms maintained a
deep transatlantic friendship, writing to each other of their love for old
books. Until one day, Anthony decided to chance his arm.
For thirty years, 'Remains of the Day' star Anthony Hopkins corresponded
with Emma Thompson in a series of notes left on the kitchen table of the
stately home they both worked in as servants. Which detailed the pleasure
they recieved from serving the upper classes. Until, one day, Anthony
decided to chance his arm.
For thirty years 'Shadowlands' star Anthony Hopkins corresponded with
American Debra Winger about Christianity and 'The Lion, The Witch and the
Wardrobe'. They maintained a deep transatlantic friendship until one day,
Anthony decided to chance his arm.
Rich:-Ahhh. Our producer wimped out there and bleeped that, we didn't
think she would. Never mind, it was funnier when he said 'wanking'.
Dear Anthony,
Thank you for the letter about Pliney's history of the Spartans,
it was quite good. I enjoyed reading it...
Dear Anne,
Yes, you're right. Pliney is good. Another good old book is The
Canterbury Tales...
Dear Anne,
Thanks for your letter about that old book. I like old books too,
as you know by now after thirty years.
Anne, I was wondering if, perhaps, next time, as well as sending me
an old book again, you might also enclose a photo of yourself. Perhaps, bare
or in suspenders, but no bra!
Oh, come on Anne. You know that this stupid writing about books is
all about. I'd like to put you across my knee and spank you, until your little
arse was pink! I HATE BOOKS! You do as well! You know you want it! Thirty
years!THIRTY years I've waited for you, you whore!
Yours sincerely,
Anthony Hopkins
P.S. I am w***ing as I write this.
ANNE BANCROFT - Oh dear!
[FX: LETTER IS SCRUNCHED UP AND THROWN AWAY]
Dear Anthony,
Thank you for your letter about being a servant. Yes, I agree.
Being a servant is nice. I am glad we are such good friends.
Dear Emma,
Yes, you're right. Being a butler is great...
Dear Emma,
Thanks for the letter about the etiquette of waiting upon a
visiting lord and lady. I'm very interested in etiquette and manners, as
you will know after thirty years.
Oh God! Oh God, come on Emma! We all know what this interest in
serving is all about! I want to throw you over the kitchen table and rip
off that maid's outfit, that you so sluttishly wear, and cover you with
yoghurt and lick it off! I HATE being a servant, damn posh people, and I
know you do too! Thirty years!THIRTY years I've waited for you, you
harlot!
Yours sincerely,
Anthony Hopkins
P.S. I am w***ing as I write this.
EMMA THOMPSON - Oh Lord! Oh deary me, no. Oh dear!
[FX: EMMA RIPS UP THE LETTER]
Dear Anthony,
Thank you for your letter about your belief in God. I believe
in God also, he is good...
Dear Debra,
Yes, you're right. God is good and so are my books about Narnia.
You're are correct in thinking they are good. They are very good...
Dear Debra,
Thanks for your letter about God and stuff. I like God too as
you know after thirty years.
Oh, come on Debra. We know what this stupid writing about God is
all about. I want to tie you up with masking tape and smear oil all over
your body, you American slaaaag!
I HATE GOD! I hate him and so do you! HE'S RUBBISH! You want it!
Thirty years!THIRTY years I've waited for you, you BINT!!
Yours sincerely,
Anthony Hopkins
P.S. I am w***ing as I write this.
DEBRA WINGER - Aslan's beard, no!
[FX: THROWS LETTER AWAY]
Dear Lee and Herring,
I am writing to protest in the strongest possible terms
about the sketches last week in which I, Anthony Hopkins, a respected oscar
winning actor, is implied to be harbouring repressed sexual desires for my
co-starring actresses. Desires which eventually vented themselves in a most
disturbing and perverted way.
I deny this completely and will be seeking legal advice.
Yours sincerely,
Anthony Hopkins
P.S. I am wanking as I write this.