The hobbies of Simon Quinlank
Hello, you hobby idiots!
It is I, The Duke of All Hobbies, Simon Quinlank. This is a special hobby for all you Internet users who don't have an interesting life like mine.
What you will need for this hobby
A book about flowers.
A strong pair of shoes OR boots.
A flask of weak lemon drink.
And another bigger book.
Today's hobby is called 'The Flower Pressing Hobby'
Most stupid people do this hobby wrongly! Only I, Simon Quinlank, know how to do this hobby properly and make it interesting.
First, go to a wood OR field and find some flowers. Then place either the shoes OR the boots on your feet, BUT NOT BOTH! Then stamp on the flowers! Crush them under your feet! KILL KILL KILL!!!! hAHaAHahAHaHAHAhA!!
Congratulations! You have just pressed your first flower!
Once you have become proficient at crushing wild flowers you will want to step up to the next level of this hobby.
Start by pressing flowers which you find growing in other people's front gardens. Extra points are awarded for crushing rare plants.
Despite what that hobby idiot Neil Petark says, daisies do not count as flowers in this hobby! So do not crush them! Just admire their simple beauty. Ahhh!
Once you have mastered the SECOND level of this hobby, you can progress to the highest level of the flower pressing hobby.
For this you will have to go to a horticultrual competition, or some other very tedious garden show. When no one is looking, put on your shoes OR boots and stamp the flowers into the ground like they deserve to be!
Crush the whorishly coloured flowers!! Destroy them!!! Destroy them all!!!! hAHAHAhAHAHhAhAHahA!!!
GARDENER: What the hell are you doing?!!
Oh dear! If you're spotted you must run away as fast as possible. You musn't be captured, because that is against the rules of the Flower Pressing Hobby, which are the rules for Flower Pressing written by me, Simon Quinlank!!!
If the gardener can run faster than you and can therefore catch you, you must then get out the flask of weak lemon drink. And beat the gardener around the head with it!!!
You must have a sturdy flask, because you must never let any of the sacred weak lemon drink fall onto the ground and be wasted. Also, try not to kill the gardener, because this is not allowed under the foolish laws of this country and is punishable by a ten pound fine!
Finally, You MUST keep at least one flower from any flowers that you crush. Put these flowers into the bigger book with a label of what species it is and where you pressed it.
That is the hobby for today, you morons! Now begone! I have new hobbies to create and I do not wish to be disturbed by your foolish prattling!!
Bye!
Return to Simon Quinlank's Hobby Page.