The hobbies of Simon Quinlank
HOBBY- This week... The Fake Bang hobby.
SHOT- Quinlank’s face. Talking. Ick.
HOBBY- Aha! It is I! Simon Quinlank! The merciless, evil master of the metaphorical earth that IS MY HOBBY KINGDOM! Ahahahaha!
SHOT- Street. Quinlank is standing before us.
HOBBY- This week’s hobby is quite interesting. No. It is VERY interesting like all of my hobbies. As all ho-bbies are INTERESTING! Nonetheless, this is a very entertaining hobby. Those of you who regularly par-taa-ke in militant activities will no doubt already be aware of the fantastic value of such a hobby.
(Awkward) Pause.
HOBBY- What you will need for this weeks HO-bby...
...A selection of cereal boxes.
...A tin of grey paint and a brush.
...some tape.
...A busy off-license establishment.
....A flask of weak-lemon drink.
....and a drunken man.
HOBBY- Now, firstly you must paint the cereal boxes with the grey paint. Be QUICK about it! Now sit and watch the glorious paint dr-y. Watch carefully! Note that this mere box will let you succeed in your upcoming hobby!
(The camera pulls back to reveal Quinlank glaring, crazily, at the paint.)
SHOT- ‘36 minutes later...’
SHOT- Quinlank facing the camera, the painted box in his hand.
HOBBY- Aha! Behold! The paint is dry and I am ready to begin my hobby-eering conquests. Haha! At this moment you should take all the items with you. If you have not done so, you should gain your drunk at this time. The drunk should be as drunk as to be intoxicated beyond sense but able to be commanded by yourself and still able to traverse with you.
SHOT- Simon outside an off-license store.
HOBBY- You should now make your way to the nearest ‘con-veeen-iance’ store, just as I have done now-because I am the HOBBY MASTER and I know what I AM DOING!
Proceed to attach to your drunken cohort the fake-explosives-which-are-actually-real-cereal boxes with your tape.
(Quinlank attaches the box with the tape round the poor drunk.)
Then, rather wittily, inform of something to incite him into entering the store. Perhaps you could confuse him by telling him that everything within the store is now free.
HOBBY (To Drunk)-Excuse me, pathetic intoxicated drunk, but everything in the store is now free.
(The Drunk mumbles something and staggers past Quinlank into the store.)
HOBBY-Bewildered, your drunk should now enter the store wearing the box. While you are waiting the RECOMMENDED 5 minutes- Aha!
Whilst you are waiting, you should consume the delights of your weak-lemon drink to withstand the extreme-eagerness of the waiting for the fruitness of your hobby to come to... fruition... (He drinks his weak-lemon drink furiously)
SHOT- ‘5 minutes later.’
SHOT- Interior. Off license. The drunk seems to be hassling the clerk.
HOBBY- After entering, it is important that you confuse the clerk, who will be engaged in an argument with a drunk.
SHOT- Hobby walks up to the conversation between the duo..
HOBBY- You should then shout and exclaim that the drunk has explosives tied to him. You may now laugh, discreetly, before and after the incident.
HOBBY (Shouting, woodenly and slowly)- LOOK. OUT! A. BOMB! (Hahaha!)
HOBBY-If all works, AS IT SHOULD, the Clerk will scream and \ or hide. Whatever outcome, you can then victoriously remove the box from the drunk and laugh at the people.
(Quinlank does indeed remove the box and laughs at the bewildered Clerk.)
SHOT- Interior. Off license. Counter.
HOBBY- Haha! You were fooled! Fooled by this foolish ‘pla-a-stic explosives’ when in fact, haha, it is a cereal box! Hahahaha! (To us) You should now make your magnificent laugh. Hahahahaa! And then continue laughing as you run out of the store! Hahahahaha-
SHOT- Exterior. Street, the off license is in sight down the road.
HOBBY- This is a rather magnificent hobby as you emulate greatness before two mere simpletons- a drunk and a Clerk within an alcohol store. Nonetheless, I do not need to do this hobby so much since I AM still great. I am GREAT! This is merely for you to try to become a great hobby-doing person. But I am the hobbymaster! None can surpass my skill at hobbies! Do not even try! But, still, DO YOUR HOBBIES! HAHAHhahahaa!
(Quinlank starts to run off)
HOBBY- I am the HOBBYMASTER!
Fin. Copyright 2000 Ben Brown. Feedback appreciated (ben.brown@talk21.com)
Return to Simon Quinlank's Hobby Page.