I assume you have spotted the problem with the Ubers sex life already. As we have learnt in previous sections the Uber is far too mysterious to actually bond with any other person on the planet (with the exception of their pet cat, but that's a matter for the courts to decide).
The general start of courting, as with most relationships starts with the kiss. Alas this is not as easy as it may first appear. We will assume that the uber in the delicate act of passion is the only person in make-up for this example.
After about 5 seconds of passionate canoodling and kissing their face will resemble that of a surreal Panda who eats coal for fun.
There is a simple and effective method used by all TRUE goths that entails the flicking of one partners tongue against the other persons tongue/neck/knees or whatever their warped imaginations saw in the last skin flick they saw on Cable TV. This will enable the act of Pseudo-smooching to commence without looking even more silly.
WHAT TO SAY AFTER
As with most sexual encounters we have in life, we still have the age old problem of knowing what it is appropriate to say after sexual disregard for bedding. I can not help you on what to say exactly, as it will change from time to time, but as a loose guide here are a few things you could say to your Uber Lover... or not as the case may be.
Things YOU can say....
1) WOW.... How much do I owe you now?
2) For the 1st time in my life I feel alone!
3) Hey! you look like a Panda!
4) Do you have a Sister/Brother?
5) Why did you keep looking in the mirror?
6) I think I may be Gay?
7) I think YOU may be Gay?
8) I wish I was Gay!
9) Whats all this black shit on my face?
10) I will call you.
Things the Uber may say...
1) I feel whole again
2) You are indeed my soul mate!
3) You touched my heart (Dont ask)
4) Why are you looking at me like that?
5) That was the best sex YOU ever had!
6) I am a Purple rose in a scarlet pool. (TRANSLATION: Messy)
7) Describe how I made you feel!
8) In a previous life I was Neferititti!
9) Why did you call me Wendy?
10) Let's do it again, this time you can join in!
!!!!!!WARNING!!!!!!
Know this........ No matter how sexy they were when you met the Uber, how desirable their bodies and how good they are at flicking their toungues on your knees..... You will end up waking next to them if you fall asleep, and trust me that can be quite scary!
*ULP*
UBERITE SEXUALITY
Finnally we get to the interesting stuff...... well ... maybe you should read on first eh!
GETTING DRESSED
If you are at the ubers house (normally their Mothers) then take a white sheet with you to place your clothing on, otherwise it may vanish into the darkness forever like so many Zippo lighters have before! After all is said and done you don't have to worry about any of this Uber Goth Sex section as you will probably be too drunk to either care to stay awake anyway.
LOCATION
As you have already guessed a Cemetary or Morgue would be fitting for such an encounter..... most Ubers with generally have some sexual liasons within the confines of the dead, but normally end up at home afterwards so they are in a more DARK and foreboding enviroment where they can play music at you to set the mood they need to make it an all together forgettable experience.
UNDRESSING
Your average Uber female will have several hundred layers of tightly bound clothing on her person, even though she knows that coital relations are about to happen. Here lies in the problem when passion is injected into the proceedings.
No matter how arousing they may look and how