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Haiku Poems

Some programmers in Japan have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft Error messages with Haiku poems.

Haiku poetry has strict construction rules. Each poem has only three lines, 17 syllables: five syllables in the first line, seven in the second, five in the third.

Haikus are used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity - the essence of Zen.

Here are the new error messages, haiku style:

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

The website you seek
Cannot be located,
But countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
So beautifully.

With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen.
Mind. Both are blank.










I know this one is a bit old hat by now but it's still funny so it's still here.

Reuters, 24 March, 2001

In a precautionary measure the British Government has decided that in order to safeguard the future of U. K. farming, everyone in the United Kingdom should be destroyed.

This policy was agreed by the Prime Minister late last night at a secret policy meeting in Gloucester in front of 500 angry farmers bearing lit torches and waving pitchforks. It was explained to the PM by his Agricultural Minister, Mr. Nick Brown that, far from being their own fault, as simple country-dwelling folk, farmers could not be expected to deal with "citified New-fangled nonsense" such as "insurance" and "vaccinations".

Mr. Blair has concluded that the only sure-fire way of protecting farmers is to ensure that all living things within a hundred-mile radius of the British coastline are immediately exterminated. The army and police have been called in, and the slaughter of men, women and children is due to begin at midnight. It is expected that within days, mass burning of villages will commence, with all people in Cheshire due for destruction a week on Tuesday.

Television networks are reported to be overjoyed at this news. Channel 4 is already planning a themed game show "Big Barbecue" where the public will ring in and vote on which part of the country is to be incinerated first.

ITV will be showing 24-hour coverage, hosted by Trevor McDonald and Des Lynam, who will be ceremonially torched at the conclusion of the operation.

(Editor's Note: In related developments the re-release of Gracie Fields World War II hit "Keep The Home Fire's Burning" has zoomed to the top of the British pop charts where is shares the number one place with Cliff Richard's "Come on Baby, Light My Fire." Time Out reported that London Decca is trying to rework the Vera Lynn wartime smash "There'll Always Be an England" to reflect the U. K. fast changing market.

British thrush Petula Clark's 'Tour of the Heartland' has been renamed "The Sheep Tour" and will be moved to New Zealand. Those holding tickets will be notified that they can be exchanged for the Tom Jones, Englebert Humperdink, Elton John & Dez O'Connor "Old Dogs, Watermelon and Wine" concerts." RM)

Farming expert Dr Hugo Z. Hackenbush commented that these measures were 'a proportionate and measured response to the crisis - the Government's proposal is entirely understandable, I fully support them,' he said as he booked his flight to Australia.

It is expected that within two weeks of this policy being carried out foot and mouth disease will be entirely eradicated from the United Kingdom.

The Prime Minister's Press Secretary said that the plan was unlikely to affect the date of the General Election, but might disrupt The Queen's Birthday Honors in June.

DO THE MATHS

A maths teacher left this letter for his wife:
Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs, which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old teaching assistant.

Sincerely, Your Husband
P.S. I'll be home before midnight.

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.

Your Wife

MORE MATHS:

ADVANCED CALCULUS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATHS

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

MEMORY

Any married man should forget his mistakes; there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

APPEARANCE

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

COMPREHENSION

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

IF THE SHOE FITS:
WHICH DOCTOR DO YOU CALL?

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by terrible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!" The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and. 16 and a half neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the Collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure!"

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9 and a half wide." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure!" The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see. . . 7 5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure!"

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head and said, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"



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