Two guys are approaching the 12th green on the golf course when suddenly a funeral convoy appears on the road right outside the course. As the hearse approaches one of the golfers removes his cap and stares solemnly.
The procession moves on, the golfer puts his cap back on, and pulls his putter out of his bag. "That," says his partner, "was one of the nicest, most respectful things I have ever seen."
"Yeah," says the first guy, lining up his putt, "we would've been married 33 years next Wednesday."
He hired a caddy to guide him around the course. After another day of slices, duff shots, misread putts and bad temper, he was obviously upset. He turned to the caddy and said, "You know I must be the worst golfer in the world."
The caddy replied, "I think not, sir, I have heard there is a guy named Bill Evans from across town who is the worst player ever!"
A golfer whose car broke down flagged down a passing bus and got aboard. He sat down on the bus, with his pockets full of golf balls, next to a little old lady. The little old lady kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her he said, "It's golf balls."
The little old lady continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally said, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?
Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those girls to let us play through." He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them."
The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back.
He smiled sheepishly and said, "Small World isn't it!"
A wife asked her husband, "If I were to die, would you get married again?" The husband replies, "Oh no darling no one could repace you.
"Don't you like married life then?"
"Yes of course I do"
"No you don't!"
"Yes of course I do my darling"
"Why wouldn't you get married again then?"
Well it would take me a long long while to get over it, but eventually I'd might marry again then."
She asks more questions, "If you remarry, would you live in this house?"
"Would you take all my pictures down from the wall?"
"Well it would seem the appropriate thing to do I think. Don't you?"
"Would you marry another woman who plays golf?"
He replies, "Yes, I probably would."
"Would you let her play with my clubs?"
The husband replies, "No of course not, she's left handed."
One day, as I was playing the fairway on the 15th hole of my local course, I watched as the man, on the fairway running parallel to mine, hit several balls into a water hazard. In frustration he eventually tossed his club into the water quickly followed by bag and the rest of his clubs. He stormed off the course only to return a few minutes later.
He walked into the water, retrieved his bag, removed his car keys and threw the bag back in.
Playing golf for the first time with a new acquaintance, we were on the first hole, which was a long par four with water to the right and a deep ravine to the left.
My new playing partner takes out a brand new sleeve of balls, tees one up and immediately hits it into the water on the right.
Seemingly unconcerned, he takes another ball from the sleeve and hits it into the ravine. Then he takes the last ball from the sleeve and hits it into the water.
Going back to his bag, he reaches in and pulls out another brand new sleeve of balls.
"Why don't you hit an old ball?" I asked.
"I've never had an old ball", he replied.
There was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He lined up and gave a mighty swing, clouds of dirt, sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golf ball, it just sat in the same spot.
So he tried another shot, clouds of dirt, sand and ants went flying again but the golf ball didn't move one little bit.
One dazed ant asked other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?"
The other replied, "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on that ball."
Harry got home from his round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked him.
"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Barney had a heart attack and died on the 11th tee."
"Oh, that's awful!"
"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Barney, hit the ball, drag Barney."
1. Golf has no stop watches or timers -- it can take forever to play one round and usually does.
2. Golf has no gold medals -- everyone was so bored with golf at the first Olympics that the game was chucked in a week.
3. Golfers don't wear numbers or uniforms -- what kind of sport doesn't have uniforms?
4. Golf has no referees -- what kind of sport trusts the players to the honor system?
5. Golf balls don't move when you're hitting them -- how tough can it be?
6. Golfers aren't athletes -- what kind of athletes would smoke, drink and eat a hot dog while they're right in the middle of a game?
You know you're a hack when your divot flies farther than your ball!
I enjoy shooting in the 120's. I figure I'm getting more for my money.
How do you tell the difference between a whiff and a practice swing? -Nobody curses after a practice swing.
An easy par three.
Golf never made it as an Olympic sport. It is more properly a Special Olympic sport because everyone who enters has a handicap.
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