This page will contain an eclectic assortment of poems, stories and jokes that I find particularly amusing or have meaning for me. The links on the right are to sites in the same vein.

Odd Odes

The Elephant

The elephant is a graceful bird
That hops from twig to twig.
It makes its nest in a rhubarb tree
And whistles like a pig.

The elephant is a graceful bird
That hops from bough to bough
It makes its nest in a rhubarb tree
And whistles like a cow.

The verses above are, as far as are know attributed to that great poet Anon. I've known it since childhood almost like a nursery rhyme.

I eat my peas with honey
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny,
But it keeps them on my knife.

The poem below was on a card my maternal grandmother had on her mantelpiece. Along with the words wa a picture of a man leading a horse that was pulling a heavy cart up a steep hill. I don't know who wrote it.

There are roads that are short
There are roads that are long
There are roads where we wander at will
But the best road of all
For the brave and the strong
Is the road to the top o' the hill.

I used to see the following poem daily on the Northern Line tube commuting from Finchley Central to the City or West End.

It was Christmas day in the mess
And the Colonel got rather a shock.
He heard to his sorry distress
Someone rhyme Co'burn's with clock.

At first he thought he would throttle
The stripling who'd never been taught
The naming if parts of the bottle
Of Cockburn's delectable port.

But the Colonel's a kindly old soldier
And he'd known the lad's dad long ago.
So he just said 'Remember I told yer,
One doesn't say "cock" one says "co"'.

Stories

An unexpected encounter

I set out for a stroll on the afternoon of Tuesday 13th April, just before 16:00. The weather was sunny and quite warm. I'd only walked little more than half a mile and was on a footpath that goes under the railway (west coast mainline) then turns to go parallel with the line behind some houses. There is a fence both sides of the path with a small embankment behind the fence on each side.

As I made the turn to go parallel with the railway and got a view down the path I saw two animals a few feet apart. At first glance one looked like a small cat and the other a small dog. A closer look showed that it was a fox and its cub. When it saw me the vixen (I assume it was a vixen rather than a dog fox) slinked through or under the fence on the garden side but the cub stayed on the path. I walked slowly toward it expecting the vixen to call it to her but she did not do so. When I got within about twelve feet of the cub it started to move away so I stopped.

I stood still watching the cub. It could easily have got through the fence to join its mother. Instead it turned and ambled toward me. When it got to me it sniffed around my feet and then moved on past. I thought about stooping to stroke it whilst it was at my feet but I didn't want to frighten it. I watched it for a minute or so more then went on my way so its mother could round it up.

We get a lot of foxes around here. Last summer one even decided to sun itself in my garden one afternoon. Mostly you only get to see them at night or very early in the morning. This was the first cub I've seen though and for it to get so close was quite a thrill. I think it was still very young because its fur was still very fluffy a bit like a persian cat but less dense.

Humour

Cat Rules

LICK-IT DIET: Let them open another can of food. Lick it dry. Smear it around the dish then turn your nose up at it. An hour later you can sit by the dish and look at it with disdain, meaning you don't expect me to eat this dry crap, do you?
RUG BURN: Take chunks of food from the plate and drop it on the rug just inside the living room. This is always good to burn them up.
THE SMELL OF HELL: Wander gingerly over to the food they just put out. Stretch your neck out and smell it. Then look up at them with that look that says, "what is this crap?"
WHERE'S MY MILK?: Sit in front of the fridge with your back to them. Be patient because sometimes they won't get up until a commercial. Look over your shoulder at them with a pitiful look. They feel so guilty for making you wait, they'll give you the heavy cream.
CONFUSION: Say yes, I know I ate some of that this morning, but that was this morning. I don't want any more of that. Make them open another can of something different. Always keep them confused about your diet.
REDECORATE: A few spots of dried food look great on the skirtingboard. The harder it gets, the harder they work!
BIRDS & MICE AND THINGS NOT NICE: Always bring home your quarry. Be sure to mess it up. Entrails are a nice touch. Leave it just outside the front door if possible. It's always good if they're not looking down and step on it. This is the Cat's Meow!
INDECISION: Sit at the screen door looking out. They almost always think you want to go out. Run away when they open the door. Three or four times is enough to drive them up the wall.
IN AND OUT: Sit looking at the doorknob. When they open the door, take your time. Take a good look around, pull your head back in. Look around the room. You don't have to decide quickly. Most of the damn fools will hold the door until you get the lay of the land and see which way the wind blows. For a real treat, after several minutes, back into the room, then look at them and say "what're you holding the damn door open for?
PEE TIME: Even if you don't have to go, time your visit for about 3 A.M. Climb on their bed and get in their face. Tickle them with your whiskers until they wake up. The old man probably had to pee anyway but was too lazy to get up. Make a stop by the fridge. It's always worth a try to see if he gives you some milk. If he does, you can always wake him again at 4 A.M.
FOIL & TOIL: A cigarette pack or a ball of foil is great to play with. Be sure to shred it and scatter the pieces. When the old lady is bent over picking up the scraps, you can chuckle at her backside. After all, they don't understand our language anyhow.
WALKING: The main object here is to get underfoot. It's also fun to startle them. As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
DOGS: Always act afraid of dogs in front of humans. They feel so sorry they pick you up to comfort you. Put on a big show and hang on for life.
PUKE....: If you have to throw up, get to a bed quickly. puke in the middle of the quilt, preferably a good thick one that doesn't fit in the washer. It will give the human a chance to go to a Laundromat and spend more money. Add this cost to the total you're already costing them. It makes you feel treasured and expensive. If you cannot manage to get to a quilt, try a chair or an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shagpile is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot. Move around as much as possible to leave a glob, here, there and everywhere. Stand back and watch your mistress gag and swear while she tries to clean it up.
ANOTHER CAT?: No way! Establish your territory early. Make that intruder respect you. He'll give you lots of room and walk around you. When you know he wants to eat, go over and pick on the food so he has to wait. If you like his food, steal it. Deny him all privileges. Be sure to carry on if they give him any attention.
BATHROOMS: Always sit just around the corner of the door so they narrowly miss stepping on you. Smile as they trip, bang into a wall and curse. Hide under the table until they calm down and want to pet you and calm you down.
HAMPERING:: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering":

When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. It's even funnier when they try to avoid stepping on you and fall into a counter or table.

For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.

For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
BEDTIME:: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.
PLAY:: This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favourite cat games that you can play. It is important though to maintain one's Dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those humans every time.
PAPER BAGS: Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to be the same colour as the bag, so they are hard to see. But you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them.
SCRATCHING POSTS: The arms of their easy chairs are great places to scratch and claw the fabric. You need to leave your mark on the world. This always gets their attention. Hassocks are also good scratching posts. It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it.
HUMANS: Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then have a smooth-running household.

Giving a Cat a Pill

Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the street. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
Tie the little monster's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches finger and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

Cat Quotes

"Never try to outstubborn a cat."
-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"

"Cats are the ultimate narcissists. You can tell this because of all the time they spend on personal grooming. Dogs aren't like this. A dog's idea of personal grooming is to roll on a dead fish."
-- James Gorman

"Meow is like aloha -- it can mean anything."
-- Hank Ketchum

"There is no cat 'language.' Painful as it is for us to admit, they don't need one."
-- Barbara Holland

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein

"We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again, and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore."
-- Mark Twain

"Of all God's creatures there is only one that cannot be made the slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat."
-- Mark Twain

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
-- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats."
-- Dave Platt

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."
-- Jeff Valdez

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."
-- Ellen Perry Berkeley

"One cat just leads to another."
-- Ernest Hemingway

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later."
-- Mary Bly

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia."
-- Joseph Wood Krutch

"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life."
-- Faith Resnick

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior."
-- Hippolyte Taine

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats."
-- Albert Schweitzer

"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart."
-- Ernest Menaul

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want."
-- Joseph Wood Krutch

"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well."
-- Missy Dizick {Does she really like cats? }

ODD STUFF

Odd Odes

Stories

Humour

Giving a Cat a Pill

Cat Quotes