White Wizards of the Leading Tactical Strategic Workshop
The White Wizards:
Quality is our By
Quality is our By
ABOUT THE COMPANY
The White Wizards was set up in 1994, and to everyone’s great surprise, is still going now. We don’t like to boast, but you all said that we wouldn’t last a month, let alone over 5 years; but we showed you. Oh yes, those who scoffed and sneered must be feeling pretty silly right now. And soon - so very, very soon - our master plan will be complete; and then we will RULE THE WORLD! BWAH HA HA HA HA!!!!!
where was I? Oh yes, the company.
White Wizards has gathered together a team of dedicated gamers and
professionals whose collective experience in the hobby is second to none.
Except for White Wolf©, of course. And Wizards of the Coast©
and TSR©. Oh yes, I forgot to mention Chaosium©, and
Games Workshop©. And Steve Jackson Games©,
AEG©, Palladium©, Flying Buffalo©, Cheapass Games©,
Ground Zero Games© (hi Jon!),
Esdevium Games (Hi Vince, James & David!), Equlibrium Games© (hi Oscar and Dave!),
CAWS, Also: Tink, Julian, Ian, Joe(John) Phil, Tony, Steve and all the others who
helped me write this, and have obviously got experience of these things. You
sick Puppies… Don’t worry about the rest of the text, it’s unreadable.
All the best, Trollkin
rubarbrubarb if you can read this then
you’re probably using a microscope. For those who are interested, this can
officially be considered the small print. My name’s John Gathercole; Good
evening! rubarb rubarbrubarbrubarbrubarnsecret messagerubarb Thanks to Julian,
Tink, Ian, Tony, Steve and John (Joe). You sick puppies… rubarbrubarbrubarb…
ABOUT THE STAFF
Gary Rein~Garfield – Head of Games Design
are very glad to say that there is nobody in the industry quite like Gary. His
designs are universally described as being in a class of their own, and
rightly so. No designer in their right mind would actually want their
games to be compared to Gary’s.
does most of his creative work in the bathroom (at least we hope that’s what
he’s doing in there). It would be quite unfair to say that the output he
writes in the toilet can be compared
to the output that gets flushed down the bowl. That stuff smells much worse.
Gary’s latest project is a closely guarded secret; he hasn’t even told us what it is. But we can tell you that he has been seen coming out of the smallest room with a broad smile on his face, so it must be good. Either that or his constipation has finally cleared up.
Jonathon Chirp – Executive Administrator
but not to his face) Ah yes, poor Jonathon. He has never really recovered from
the ‘Timothy Incident’ has he? We try to be understanding, but there’s a
limit to what we are willing to
put up with. Jonathon’s friends will,
of course, stick up for him. They would probably say that the gerbil had given
its’ consent, and liked the taste of the kiwi fruit marmalade anyway. We,
however, have had enough.
would ask you to come in and clear your desk, but as you well know, the
restraining order applies to the office as well as the Zoo.
Joseph Barnard – Head of Art & Graphics
are exceptionally pleased to welcome an artist of Joseph’s calibre to the
team. Joseph has led a long and
varied life, including active service in the first world war, life as a
celebrity playboy artiste, and a spell in a ‘rest home’ recovering from a
spot of megalomania. He claims that one of the ‘Great Old Ones’ came to
him and offered him immortality and power beyond his wildest dreams. Crazy as
a coot, huh?
people would count Joseph’s age (nearly 100) against him, but we feel the
games industry genuinely NEEDS
more Centennial lunatics with delusions of godhood.
In any case, we find his abilities to be in several places at once and
to sculpt reality to his whims to be really rather useful when dealing with
Riko Scribe – Head of Webgames division
comes to us direct from his previous position of Marketing Director of the
internet games company, Direplay©
The rumours about him are just not true. The other Direplay© Directors are simply on a
very long vacation and he has postcards from them all to prove it.
Riko has no knowledge of the identities of the mutilated bodies found
in his garden, and has
witnesses to testify that he was,
in fact, in Scotland all of the time. Unfortunately tragic accidents have
befallen all of the witnesses, especially the one who decided to change his
story halfway through the police interview.
further enquiries in this area should be made in person to our lawyers.
Which brings us to…
The Vercotti Brothers – Legal Team
are proud to announce that Antonio and Luigi are now joined by their older
brother, Cesar Vercotti, who has recently come over from the Old Country.
Cesar, or Don Cesario, as he likes to be called, has stated that he wants to
bring ‘family values’ to the company.
well as being experienced in the import and export trade,
we understand that Don Cesario also runs his own insurance and
contractual businesses. The rates we are paying him against accidental damage
are actually very reasonable. After all, like he says, accidents can happen.
Julian Kalenda – New Deal Trainee
strictly speaking this is actually Graham, our old YTS trainee. When his
tenure with us ran out we discovered it was cheaper to change his name by
deed-poll and re-employ him under one of the Governments new schemes than pay
him the minimum wage. Gosh, I hope nobody realises what we’re doing, or else
there would be real trouble.
Terry Rollkin - Head Honcho
achievements in the gaming industry are many and varied. Unfortunately I
currently can’t think of any of them. His rendition of ‘Hey Jude’ at the
last office party was described as ‘quite extraordinary’, and caused the
DJ to swear never to work again. Terry still writes the Haiku poetry, but now
attempts to put them to music, with fairly predictable results. For the sake
of our sanity (and ears) we clubbed together and bought him a Playstation,
just to keep him quiet.
spends his time playing games involving cars
with weapons shooting at each other; and occasionally is heard to mutter to
himself that HIS game is much better than all of the other ones put together.
at the White Wizards are always keen to be seen as being on the ‘cutting
edge’ of the gaming industry. In fact we pride ourselves as being as
up-to-date as we possibly can. This reflects in all aspects of our policy and
wares; when a product has had its’ day we know that it is time to move on.
As a result we now feel
that it is time for a change of image for our self published magazine: White
Womble. The subject matter within the magazine will be expanded to cover all
aspects of the culture, attitudes and psychological horror that our games
embody: attitudes fully summed up by our ‘Womble of Darkness’ Logo. From
next issue ‘White Womble’ will reflect this change, and be known by a new
title. We are thrilled to announce that the title will be:
We are sure that the magazine will continue to flourish under its new title and bold new direction. Please let us know what you think.
is with pleasure that we can announce that the White Wizards is going into the
Movies! Already talks are under-way between our team and the noted Director James
Law, contracts are to be exchanged shortly; and shooting will soon
our first venture we decided to use the latest technology to create a truly
spectacular series of re-makes of Arnie’s best action movies, only using a
CGI rendered image of Noel Coward to replace Mr Swartzenegger. The
first will be our own song-and-dance interpretation of’ ‘Commando’
titled: ‘Full Metal Smoking Jacket’. We will follow this soon with
‘Blithe Predator’ Look for them soon!
on the ‘John Gathercole’ Situation
thoroughly unsavoury individual has continued to be a thorn in our side, and
has persisted in ridiculing our products and making fun of some of the most
highly respected professionals in the business. In 1997 he even went as far as
producing a completely false catalogue of our products and distributed it at a
major gaming convention. This caused severe embarrassment to several of our
staff actually attending the convention, who narrowly escaped being lynched by
an incensed delegation from the Moral Majority.
date ‘Mr’ Gathercole has evaded all of the companies attempts to bring him
to justice, and frankly enough is enough. Therefore we are adopting a rather
exceptional procedure to ensure that he does not bother us again: we have
trademarked the name ‘John Gathercole’.
means that this nasty little man will have to get our specific
permission, in advance, any time that he wants to use his name. If he does not
do so then we will sue him under American trademark infringement law.
we might just leave it all up to the Vercotti brothers, to think of
some suitable - and permanent - reprimand.
be warned, John GathercoleTM, our lawyers are watching you. With
It is with regret that we
have to inform you that the White Wizards have so far failed to get the
licence for the MIGHTY MORPHIN’ TELLY TUBBIES game. We know that this
will disappoint some of our more… enthusiastic customers, but the situation
is beyond our control. The delay has been caused by an inability to come to an
agreement regarding the copyrights on the names. It seems that they were not
prepared to allow us to make the necessary changes to the names of the
characters to make them more commercially viable in the games world. We cannot
go into too many details at this stage, but we do hope that by the new year we
will be able to share with you the adventures of Tink E. Winky, Tripsey, Gaa
Gaa and Colin.
PRODUCT LIST -
all the prices were accidentally deleted just prior to printing; please make a
wild guess and add 30% to cover postage, packing, our junk –food habit, and
the company’s fact finding mission to Tahiti for our forthcoming product:
Tourist, the Sunbathing)
send this to our new address, which is:
© 2002 SystemFast Techniques
This page is purely a work of parody and satire, please try not to take it TOO seriously, OK?
Oh yeah, the Spice Marines figures really are available from GZG.
Have a fun day :-)