White Wizards of the Leading Tactical Strategic Workshop

The White Wizards: Quality is our Bypassword!

ABOUT THE COMPANY

The White Wizards was set up in 1994, and to everyone’s great surprise, is still going now. We don’t like to boast, but you all said that we wouldn’t last a month, let alone over 5 years; but we showed you. Oh yes, those who scoffed and sneered must be feeling pretty silly right now. And soon - so very, very soon -  our master plan will be complete; and then we will RULE THE WORLD! BWAH HA HA HA HA!!!!!

Sorry; where was I? Oh yes, the company.

The White Wizards has gathered together a team of dedicated gamers and professionals whose collective experience in the hobby is second to none.  Except for White Wolf^©, of course. And Wizards of the Coast^© and TSR^©. Oh yes, I forgot to mention Chaosium^©, and Games Workshop^©. And Steve Jackson Games^©, AEG^©, Palladium^©, Flying Buffalo^©, Cheapass Games^©, Ground Zero Games^© (hi Jon!), Esdevium Games (Hi Vince, James & David!), Equlibrium Games© (hi Oscar and Dave!), CAWS, Also: Tink, Julian, Ian, Joe(John) Phil, Tony, Steve and all the others who helped me write this, and have obviously got experience of these things. You sick Puppies… Don’t worry about the rest of the text, it’s unreadable. All the best, Trollkin rubarbrubarb if you can read this then you’re probably using a microscope. For those who are interested, this can officially be considered the small print. My name’s John Gathercole; Good evening! rubarb rubarbrubarbrubarbrubarnsecret messagerubarb Thanks to Julian, Tink, Ian, Tony, Steve and John (Joe). You sick puppies… rubarbrubarbrubarb…

ABOUT THE STAFF

Gary Rein~Garfield – Head of Games Design

We are very glad to say that there is nobody in the industry quite like Gary. His designs are universally described as being in a class of their own, and rightly so. No designer in their right mind would actually want their games to be compared to Gary’s.

Gary does most of his creative work in the bathroom (at least we hope that’s what he’s doing in there). It would be quite unfair to say that the output he writes in the toilet can be  compared to the output that gets flushed down the bowl. That stuff smells much worse.

Gary’s latest project is a closely guarded secret; he hasn’t even told us what it is. But we can tell you that he has been seen coming out of the smallest room with a broad smile on his face, so it must be good. Either that or his constipation has finally cleared up.

Jonathon Chirp – Executive Administrator

(dogsbody, but not to his face) Ah yes, poor Jonathon. He has never really recovered from the ‘Timothy Incident’ has he? We try to be understanding, but there’s a limit to what we are willing  to put up with. Jonathon’s friends  will, of course, stick up for him. They would probably say that the gerbil had given its’ consent, and liked the taste of the kiwi fruit marmalade anyway. We, however, have had enough.

Jonathon, you’re fired.

We would ask you to come in and clear your desk, but as you well know, the restraining order applies to the office as well as the Zoo.

Joseph Barnard – Head of Art & Graphics

We are exceptionally pleased to welcome an artist of Joseph’s calibre to the team. Joseph has led a  long and varied life, including active service in the first world war, life as a celebrity playboy artiste, and a spell in a ‘rest home’ recovering from a spot of megalomania. He claims that one of the ‘Great Old Ones’ came to him and offered him immortality and power beyond his wildest dreams. Crazy as a coot, huh?

Many people would count Joseph’s age (nearly 100) against him, but we feel the games industry genuinely  NEEDS more Centennial lunatics with delusions of godhood.  In any case, we find his abilities to be in several places at once and to sculpt reality to his whims to be really rather useful when dealing with the… competition.

Riko Scribe – Head of Webgames division

Riko comes to us direct from his previous position of Marketing Director of the internet games company, Direplay^©   The rumours about him are just not true.  The other Direplay^© Directors are simply on a very long vacation and he has postcards from them all to prove it.  Riko has no knowledge of the identities of the mutilated bodies found in his garden,   and has witnesses to testify  that he was, in fact, in Scotland all of the time. Unfortunately tragic accidents have befallen all of the witnesses, especially the one who decided to change his story halfway through the police interview. 

Any further enquiries in this area should be made in person to our lawyers.     Which brings us to…

The Vercotti Brothers – Legal Team

We are proud to announce that Antonio and Luigi are now joined by their older brother, Cesar Vercotti, who has recently come over from the Old Country. Cesar, or Don Cesario, as he likes to be called, has stated that he wants to bring ‘family values’ to the company.

As well as being experienced in the import and export trade,  we understand that Don Cesario also runs his own insurance and contractual businesses. The rates we are paying him against accidental damage are actually very reasonable. After all, like he says, accidents can happen.

Julian Kalenda – New Deal Trainee

Well… strictly speaking this is actually Graham, our old YTS trainee. When his tenure with us ran out we discovered it was cheaper to change his name by deed-poll and re-employ him under one of the Governments new schemes than pay him the minimum wage. Gosh, I hope nobody realises what we’re doing, or else there would be real trouble.

Terry Rollkin  - Head Honcho

Terry’s achievements in the gaming industry are many and varied. Unfortunately I currently can’t think of any of them. His rendition of ‘Hey Jude’ at the last office party was described as ‘quite extraordinary’, and caused the DJ to swear never to work again. Terry still writes the Haiku poetry, but now attempts to put them to music, with fairly predictable results. For the sake of our sanity (and ears) we clubbed together and bought him a Playstation, just to keep him quiet.

He spends his time playing games involving  cars with weapons shooting at each other; and occasionally is heard to mutter to himself that HIS game is much better than all of the other ones put together.

NEWS PAGE

CHANGE OF IMAGE

We at the White Wizards are always keen to be seen as being on the ‘cutting edge’ of the gaming industry. In fact we pride ourselves as being as up-to-date as we possibly can. This reflects in all aspects of our policy and wares; when a product has had its’ day we know that it is time to move on.

As a result we now feel that it is time for a change of image for our self published magazine: White Womble. The subject matter within the magazine will be expanded to cover all aspects of the culture, attitudes and psychological horror that our games embody: attitudes fully summed up by our ‘Womble of Darkness’ Logo. From next issue ‘White Womble’ will reflect this change, and be known by a new title. We are thrilled to announce that the title will be:

20^th Century Womble?

It is with pleasure that we can announce that the White Wizards is going into the Movies! Already talks are under-way between our team and the noted Director James Law, contracts are to be exchanged shortly; and shooting will soon commence.

For our first venture we decided to use the latest technology to create a truly spectacular series of re-makes of Arnie’s best action movies, only using a CGI rendered image of Noel Coward to replace Mr Swartzenegger. The first will be our own song-and-dance interpretation of’ ‘Commando’ titled: ‘Full Metal Smoking Jacket’. We will follow this soon with ‘Blithe Predator’ Look for them soon!

Update on the ‘John Gathercole’ Situation

This thoroughly unsavoury individual has continued to be a thorn in our side, and has persisted in ridiculing our products and making fun of some of the most highly respected professionals in the business. In 1997 he even went as far as producing a completely false catalogue of our products and distributed it at a major gaming convention. This caused severe embarrassment to several of our staff actually attending the convention, who narrowly escaped being lynched by an incensed delegation from the Moral Majority.

To date ‘Mr’ Gathercole has evaded all of the companies attempts to bring him to justice, and frankly enough is enough. Therefore we are adopting a rather exceptional procedure to ensure that he does not bother us again: we have trademarked the name ‘John Gathercole’.

This means that this nasty little man will have to get our specific permission, in advance, any time that he wants to use his name. If he does not do so then we will sue him under American trademark infringement law.

Alternatively,  we might just leave it all up to the Vercotti brothers, to think of some suitable - and permanent - reprimand.

So be warned, John Gathercole^TM, our lawyers are watching you. With telescopic sights.

An Apology

It is with regret that we have to inform you that the White Wizards have so far failed to get the licence for the MIGHTY MORPHIN’ TELLY TUBBIES game. We know that this will disappoint some of our more… enthusiastic customers, but the situation is beyond our control. The delay has been caused by an inability to come to an agreement regarding the copyrights on the names. It seems that they were not prepared to allow us to make the necessary changes to the names of the characters to make them more commercially viable in the games world. We cannot go into too many details at this stage, but we do hope that by the new year we will be able to share with you the adventures of Tink E. Winky, Tripsey, Gaa Gaa and Colin.

Stop Press!

After  many days of careful negotiations between the White Wizards and Direplay^© we have been able to secure the following special deal for attendees at Gen-Con this Year:

Simply turn up at the Direplay^© room with this catalogue, and you will receive an absolutely free and gratis preview session on our brand new Computer Web game: NETWOMBLE!™

Trust us: this game really does have to be seen to be believed!

CURRENT PRODUCT LIST  -  Autumn 1999

Order Sheet

(Unfortunately all the prices were accidentally deleted just prior to printing; please make a wild guess and add 30% to cover postage, packing, our junk –food habit, and the company’s fact finding mission to Tahiti for our forthcoming product: Tourist, the Sunbathing)

Customer Details

Please send this to our new address, which is:

© 2002 SystemFast Techniques

This page is purely a work of parody and satire, please try not to take it TOO seriously, OK?

Oh yeah, the Spice Marines figures really are available from GZG.

Have a fun day :-)