White Wizards of the Leading Tactical Strategic Workshop
[Fall 1997 Catalogue] [Statement] [News]
WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT OUR PRODUCTS
Womble the Cleansing
finest example of existential ennui in the games industry today"
Pyrarcane:- Dec '95
didn't publish it, so therefore it does not exist."
White Gnome:- Feb '96
use it all the time; it keeps my whites white, but is gentle with my
Mrs Dunney of Chelmsford
Rubbish the Gathering
last; a chance to collect a genuine rubbish card game"
Rule Player Independant:- Mar-Apr '96
absolutely offal game"
Brunhilde:- Feb '96
card game you can't refuse"
The Spaced Gamer:- May '96
I started playing this game I was an unemployed teenager with no prospects or
girlfriend. Now I am Prime Minister and happily married; and it's all thanks
to the White Wizards!"
T. Blair: 10 Downing Street, London
I started playing this game I was Prime Minister . Now I am
a back bench MP with no prospects or girlfriend; and it's all thanks to
the White Wizards!"
J Major: Ex of
10 Downing Street, London
Womble The GarbAge
is exactly how I remember it, they have the atmosphere just right"
worthy and imaginative adaptation of the series; true to the original and easy
to understand. A real Gem of a game!"
Leonard T. Shatner:- Actore
they joking? It wasn't like that at all!"
T. Frakes:- Actore, Directore & all round Superstore... er... Superstar
must admit to a vague sense of unease and disappointment when thinking about
this product. The structure is inconsistent and the text is in at least 4
separate fonts on one page alone! The illustrations, far from being the
sumptuous and rich drawings promised, looked as if they had been drawn by a
ten year old with more enthusiasm than technique. The rules are poorly defined
and very contradictory. All in all a poor offering, but no worse than
any of the company's other products"
Grimshaw:- 26/2/97, The Daily Times
writing the review of this product in yesterdays paper, and my subsequent
meeting with the Vercotti Brothers, I have had a change of heart. I now
consider Womblestar Galactica to be the finest role playing game on the
market, and possibly one of the high points of twentieth century
Grimshaw:- 27/2/97, Ward 12 (Fractures & Breakeges), St Oddbins Hospital
so much a game, as the equivalent
of a motorway pile up, only less
Chipping Muddifield Parish Newsletter
Not enough mindless violence, bloodshed, or tasteless nudity. How are we
supposed to complain about a product that is so bland and boring?"
of the Campaign for Cleaner Roleplaying
And Postal Games (CRAPGames)
About the Company
White Wizards of the Leading Tactical Strategic Workshop was set up in late
About the Staff
Gary Rein~Garfield:- Chief Designer
is a phenomenon. He has worked in the industry for 5 years and has over 100
games and ideas credited to his name. Admittedly, the vast majority of them
have never been published, and most end up as studies into the aerodynamic
qualities of crumpled paper.
shot to fame in 1995 with the first edition of Womble, the Cleansing; a game
that had to be immediately recalled when it was discovered that every page in
the first half of the rulebook contained Garys' hand-written recipe for
lasagne instead of rules; and the rest of the book was printed in Indonesian,
using ancient sumerian hieroglyphs. Gary has gone on from there in leaps and
bounds to produce some of our very least-worst games, and has established an,
urm... 'unique' reputation for himself within the gaming industry.
Jack Steveson:- Other Chief Designer
comes to us from his own company, Jack Steveson Games, which unfortunately
went bankrupt late in 1996. It is untrue that this occurred because his
conspiracy card game 'Obscurinati: New World Design' was too accurate for
comfort. As far as we know there is definitely not an international conspiracy
dedicated to ruling the world, which is not run by a one eyed man called
Jack brings to the White Wizards a massive amount of experience and
expertise; and unlike Gary, he does not suck his thumb and whimper when
agitated. He has also brought with him the rights to his extensive back
catalogue of his own games and systems, which we hope to
Jonathon Chirp:- Executive Administrator
of many parts, it is said that Jonathon is the only person to do any work
around the office. However, since this is only said by Jonathon
it shouldn't be taken too seriously. In fact he spends most of the time
making the tea, and can't even get that right. Amongst his official duties is
the proof reading of all our products, including this flyer. The fact that you
are reading this thinly veiled criticism now shows just how good at the job he
really is. I mean, if I was reading something like this and saw a personal
attack on me in there, I'd hit the roof. No, not him. He probably skipped
right over it, the pompous little twit. Shall I tell you some stories about
Jonathon, or 'Bootsie' as he is known in some parts of the city?
I think not. He is, after all, still under investigation; and we don't
want the negatives to fall into the wrong hands, do we Jonathon? Thought not.
Vercotti Brothers:- Legal Team
are our lawyers, and that's all. If anyone has told you differently, they're
lying; and you can't prove anything. Besides, they've paid their debt to
society, and are fine just so long as they stay on the de-caff.
has worked for us for three months, and will do anything to be involved in the
games industry; so we try to keep him and Jonathon apart. He volunteered to
come and work here, which we all found highly amusing until we realised he was
serious. As a result, he does everything, from publicity to the switchboard;
and he's happy being paid peanuts! Not that we exploit him. Oh no; definitely
Terry Rollkin:- Managing Director
can be said except what has been said so many times already?
Supreme athlete, concert pianist, Concorde pilot, mountain climber,
diplomat, space captain and genius. All of these titles have been used to
describe Captain Kremen, but not Terry Rollkin. Terry spends most of the time
when he should be running the company writing haiku poems in Japanese that
mercilessly satirise the gaming industry. Fortunatly, they're awful, so nobody
have sucked our blood and manipulated our lives
been unbearably, tragically hip)
have raged against our corporations
shed fur on the carpet)
rip the fabric of reality in their quest to ascend
mending bills are astronomical)
haunt our existence
you ever tried to get ectoplasm off loose covers?)
struggle against the mundanity of modern life
throw away the boring bits)
is the world;
a dirty, messy, place.
is only one solution:
Somebody has to clean up afterwards
The classic series that set the standard
The Garb Age
Mophin' Power Wombles!
INTO THE FUTURE....
will come a time when the forces of chaos will threaten to
the civilised universe.
Emperor of all Humanity will decree the formation
team of warriors to combat the menace.
WILL BE TOUGH,
WILL BE MERCILESS,
WILL HAVE REALLY BIG BAZOOKAS;
THEY'LL TELL YOU WHAT THEY WANT,
THEY REALLY, REALLY WANT.
WWOTLTSW presents its HUGELY EPIC miniatures rules:
has come to our attention through various sources a rumour that our product,
Womble the CleansingTM does not - in fact - exist.
rumour states that the game (described in the magazine 'Pyracane' as- and I
quote: "...the finest example of existential ennui
in the games industry today") is no more than a figment of the
imagination of one John Gathercole; a 'gentleman' of unknown address.
can state categorically that Womble The CleansingTM is very much
alive and just about to go into its tenth edition (we'll beat that Cthullu
game yet). However there will be a slight delay until such time as we can find
where we put the revised chapters 3 to 17, appendix 'F' and the index. It is
possible that they are under the cat litter tray:- but you don't wish to know
Creator of Womble The CleansingTM, Gary Rein~Garfield, is upset and
distraught knowing that someone is so blatantly taking the credit for all his
hard work. He has locked himself into the bathroom with only his teddy bear
for company, and is refusing to come out. We worry about Gary sometimes.
this 'John Gathercole' has a lot to answer for.
such a person as he exists, and with such a silly name I very much doubt it,
our lawyers (the Vercotti brothers) wish very much to have a quiet chat with
him to explain the finer aspects of the
laws regarding copyright infringement.
a baseball bat.
anybody claims to have seen this man would they please contact our office or
visit our trade stand which will be manned throughout the convention.
hope that this clarifies the company's position.
A word to Delegates to Gen-Con’97
would like to make its position clear about what we consider to be a clear
case of double dealing and chicanery surrounding this convention. You may
recall that there was some confusion regarding the date of this event; and for
a time the going ahead of the convention was in doubt.
it was announced that Gen-Con was happening and would take place around the
weekend of 30-31/08/97. It was a widely known fact that
WWOTLTSW had already announced a major event for this weekend. We had
firmly booked the 2nd Chiddington Scout Hut for our international games fair
and jumble sale: WOM-CON.
We therefore consider the actions of the organisers of Gen-Con to be beyond the boundaries of fair play, and our lawyers are looking into what legal action is available to us. Failing that, Luigi Vercotti says he knows someone who has 'contacts' who can supply a decent quantity of high explosive and detonators.
may have heard unsettling rumours in the last couple of months regarding a
possible take-over of the White Wizards by another company, the Mages of the
Marsh. To set your mind at rest I can now say without fear of contradiction
that these rumours are absolutely true. However, our new owners have assured
us and we would like to assure you that there will be no drop in the quality
of our products, not that one was possible in the first place.
fact that we are now a wholly owned subsidiary of a company that is a
sub-division of a firm that is part of a group that is completely controlled
by an international consortium secretly run by a conglomerate of major
corporations that also controls the economies of several third world
countries, at least 2 multinational media empires and has connections to the
Bavarian Illuminati will have no effect on the reputation we have built up for
producing clear, readable, and most importantly,
concise rules for our products that contain easy to read syntax and we
are proud that it can is being so.
Notice to Our Mail Order Customers
© 2002 SystemFast Techniques
This page is purely a work of parody and satire, please try not to take it TOO seriously, OK?
Oh yeah, the Spice Marines figures really are available from GZG.
Have a fun day :-)