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WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT OUR PRODUCTS
Womble the Cleansing
"The
finest example of existential ennui in the games industry today"
Pyrarcane:- Dec '95
"We
didn't publish it, so therefore it does not exist."
White Gnome:- Feb '96
"I
use it all the time; it keeps my whites white, but is gentle with my
delicates"
Mrs Dunney of Chelmsford
Rubbish the Gathering
"At
last; a chance to collect a genuine rubbish card game"
Rule Player Independant:- Mar-Apr '96
"An
absolutely offal game"
Brunhilde:- Feb '96
"A
card game you can't refuse"
The Spaced Gamer:- May '96
"When
I started playing this game I was an unemployed teenager with no prospects or
girlfriend. Now I am Prime Minister and happily married; and it's all thanks
to the White Wizards!"
T. Blair: 10 Downing Street,
London
"When
I started playing this game I was Prime Minister . Now I am
a back bench MP with no prospects or girlfriend; and it's all thanks to
the White Wizards!"
J Major: Ex of
10 Downing Street, London
Womble The GarbAge
"It
is exactly how I remember it, they have the atmosphere just right"
Count Vladimir
Alucard, Transylvania
Pug
Trek
"A
worthy and imaginative adaptation of the series; true to the original and easy
to understand. A real Gem of a game!"
Leonard T. Shatner:- Actore
"Are
they joking? It wasn't like that at all!"
Patrick
T. Frakes:- Actore, Directore & all round Superstore... er... Superstar
Womblestar
Galactica
"I
must admit to a vague sense of unease and disappointment when thinking about
this product. The structure is inconsistent and the text is in at least 4
separate fonts on one page alone! The illustrations, far from being the
sumptuous and rich drawings promised, looked as if they had been drawn by a
ten year old with more enthusiasm than technique. The rules are poorly defined
and very contradictory. All in all a poor offering, but no worse than
any of the company's other products"
Gareth
Grimshaw:- 26/2/97, The Daily Times
"Since
writing the review of this product in yesterdays paper, and my subsequent
meeting with the Vercotti Brothers, I have had a change of heart. I now
consider Womblestar Galactica to be the finest role playing game on the
market, and possibly one of the high points of twentieth century
literature."
Gareth
Grimshaw:- 27/2/97, Ward 12 (Fractures & Breakeges), St Oddbins Hospital
"Not
so much a game, as the equivalent
of a motorway pile up, only less
tactful."
Chipping Muddifield Parish
Newsletter
"Disapointing.
Not enough mindless violence, bloodshed, or tasteless nudity. How are we
supposed to complain about a product that is so bland and boring?"
Peter
Rickfeatures
Representative
of the Campaign for Cleaner Roleplaying
And Postal Games (CRAPGames)
Trade
enquiries welcome
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WWOTLTSW0010
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Womble The
Cleansing the original and
still the best! Our classic game and the first of the Womble of
Darkness? cycle now enters its ninth edition with expanded text
(entirely free of Spolling errors), top quality illustrations and even a
comparatively correct index! (errata sheet available on request)
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WWOTLTSW0014
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Womble
The Cleansing - The
Best of the Erratas (Vol 1):
a compilation of the very best of the errata sheets for Womble the
Cleansing. 190 pages of essential material for
serious Womble players.
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WWOTLTSW0011
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Rubbish The
Gathering The Collectable Card
Game that set the standard! The fully
updated rulebook now contains rules, instead of 26 blank pages
(350 page appendix available separately). Free ultra rare piece of
litter with every box of Booster packs bought!
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WWOTLTSW0013
New for '97!
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Rubbish The
Gathering: Nuclear Waste Disposal!
Booster set for this classic card game. The first expansion set
for any card game with genuinly radioactive cards with half life rarity
value. Collect the set, and then watch it meltdown!
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WWOTLTSW0020
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Clanger The
Keening Find out why they
guard the Soup Dragon so jealously, and who built the Iron Chicken in
the first place. This fully incomprehensive product
is slightly compatible with Womble the Cleansing; and sets the
stage for the Womblestar Galactica Saga! Available in hard or soupback.
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WWOTLTSW0021
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Soup Dragon Dice
Who will win the epic struggle for the holy soup Turin? Find out with
this innovative and needlessly overcomplex dice combat game.
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WWOTLTSW0012
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Womble The Garb
Age
Some tell of a time when Wombles did not hide from humanity, but
carved their destiny on the world with a really sharp litterstick!
Medieval refuse collection and the odd crusade or two can be experienced
in this game!
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WWOTLTSW0013
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Womblestar
Galactica
They're off into Space now, to re-discover the 12 lost
tribes. Only one ship is able to cope with this journey, and
litter sticks just don't cut it against Photon Torpedoes. Full and
detailed space combat rules on
a 1:1 scale (models not provided) which are fully incompatible with
every other space combat system available!
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WWOTLTSW0030
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Pug Trek
Relive the Adventures of the USS Black Pig With Captain Jean-Luc
Pugwash, the First Mate Mr Ryker and Wesley the Cabin Boy in this new
Sci-fi RPG that boldly
infringes where no copyright has
been infringed before!
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WWOTLTSW0040
New for '97
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Quantam Ben
Theorising that time travel was possible simply by putting on a
different set of clothes, Mr Ben stepped into the costume shop changing
room:- and vanished! Classic Time Travel clichés and a bland diceless
combat system make this a product to avoid like the plague!
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WWOTLTSW0014
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Mighty Mophin'
Power Wombles! Can superheroics and martial arts succeed where
littersticks have failed? Find out in this
unashamed exploitation of a tired
& overhyped concept! Really lousy game mechanics combine with
a wildly implausible background (involving giant robotic wombles)
to produce our tackiest product yet!
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WWOTLTSW0022
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Mighty Mophin'
Clanger Rangers! I obviously spoke too soon. How are we getting away with such utter
rubbish? It's a good job our customers are so gullible, otherwise we
would have gone out of business ages ago. I mean, they say that there's
one born every minute, and they all want to buy our products! Are they
thick or something? Oops,
um... er... another great product from the White Wizards?
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WWOTLTSW0050
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Womble of
Darkness: The Tee shirt Thrill
your friends with this wonderful item. Availble in XL,XXL,XXXL , XXLXLXL
, XXXLXXXL(X), MCMLXLVII, and
small
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About the Company
The
White Wizards of the Leading Tactical Strategic Workshop was set up in late
1994 to make some fast money supply an
obvious need in the games market. Its role is seen by the staff as definitely
not a way to get rich quick, but to produce games of a consistent quality. We
hope that we admirably succeed in
this. It is our belief that the reputations of our products speak for
themselves, which is fortunate as no-one in their right mind would do it for
us.
About the Staff
Gary Rein~Garfield:- Chief Designer
Gary
is a phenomenon. He has worked in the industry for 5 years and has over 100
games and ideas credited to his name. Admittedly, the vast majority of them
have never been published, and most end up as studies into the aerodynamic
qualities of crumpled paper.
He
shot to fame in 1995 with the first edition of Womble, the Cleansing; a game
that had to be immediately recalled when it was discovered that every page in
the first half of the rulebook contained Garys' hand-written recipe for
lasagne instead of rules; and the rest of the book was printed in Indonesian,
using ancient sumerian hieroglyphs. Gary has gone on from there in leaps and
bounds to produce some of our very least-worst games, and has established an,
urm... 'unique' reputation for himself within the gaming industry.
Jack Steveson:- Other Chief Designer
Jack
comes to us from his own company, Jack Steveson Games, which unfortunately
went bankrupt late in 1996. It is untrue that this occurred because his
conspiracy card game 'Obscurinati: New World Design' was too accurate for
comfort. As far as we know there is definitely not an international conspiracy
dedicated to ruling the world, which is not run by a one eyed man called Guiscard.
Such a non-existent organisation is
not based in tunnels under a shabby hotel in Paris; and it definitely did not
threaten Jack with a fate worse than death if he didn't toe the line. So that's all clear then.
Jack brings to the White Wizards a massive amount of experience and
expertise; and unlike Gary, he does not suck his thumb and whimper when
agitated. He has also brought with him the rights to his extensive back
catalogue of his own games and systems, which we hope to exploit
republish in the near future.
Jonathon Chirp:- Executive Administrator
Man
of many parts, it is said that Jonathon is the only person to do any work
around the office. However, since this is only said by Jonathon
it shouldn't be taken too seriously. In fact he spends most of the time
making the tea, and can't even get that right. Amongst his official duties is
the proof reading of all our products, including this flyer. The fact that you
are reading this thinly veiled criticism now shows just how good at the job he
really is. I mean, if I was reading something like this and saw a personal
attack on me in there, I'd hit the roof. No, not him. He probably skipped
right over it, the pompous little twit. Shall I tell you some stories about
Jonathon, or 'Bootsie' as he is known in some parts of the city?
I think not. He is, after all, still under investigation; and we don't
want the negatives to fall into the wrong hands, do we Jonathon? Thought not.
The
Vercotti Brothers:- Legal Team
They
are our lawyers, and that's all. If anyone has told you differently, they're
lying; and you can't prove anything. Besides, they've paid their debt to
society, and are fine just so long as they stay on the de-caff.
Graham:-
YTS trainee
Graham
has worked for us for three months, and will do anything to be involved in the
games industry; so we try to keep him and Jonathon apart. He volunteered to
come and work here, which we all found highly amusing until we realised he was
serious. As a result, he does everything, from publicity to the switchboard;
and he's happy being paid peanuts! Not that we exploit him. Oh no; definitely
not.
Terry Rollkin:- Managing Director
What
can be said except what has been said so many times already?
Supreme athlete, concert pianist, Concorde pilot, mountain climber,
diplomat, space captain and genius. All of these titles have been used to
describe Captain Kremen, but not Terry Rollkin. Terry spends most of the time
when he should be running the company writing haiku poems in Japanese that
mercilessly satirise the gaming industry. Fortunatly, they're awful, so nobody
reads them.
They
have sucked our blood and manipulated our lives
(and
been unbearably, tragically hip)
They
have raged against our corporations
(and
shed fur on the carpet)
They
rip the fabric of reality in their quest to ascend
(Invisible
mending bills are astronomical)
They
haunt our existence
(Have
you ever tried to get ectoplasm off loose covers?)
They
struggle against the mundanity of modern life
(and
throw away the boring bits)
This
is the world;
It's
a dirty, messy, place.
There
is only one solution:
Somebody has to clean up afterwards
The classic series that set the standard
Womble
The Cleansing
Rubbish
The Gathering
Womble
The Garb Age
Womblestar
Galactica
Mighty
Mophin' Power Wombles!
FAR
INTO THE FUTURE....
There
will come a time when the forces of chaos will threaten to
overwhelm
the civilised universe.
The
Emperor of all Humanity will decree the formation
of a
hand-picked
team of warriors to combat the menace.
THEY
WILL BE TOUGH,
THEY
WILL BE MERCILESS,
THEY
WILL HAVE REALLY BIG BAZOOKAS;
AND
THEY'LL TELL YOU WHAT THEY WANT,
WHAT
THEY REALLY, REALLY WANT.
WWOTLTSW
presents its HUGELY EPIC miniatures rules:
A
Girlpower 40,000
Game
Winter 1997
There
has come to our attention through various sources a rumour that our product,
Womble the CleansingTM does not - in fact - exist.
The
rumour states that the game (described in the magazine 'Pyracane' as- and I
quote: "...the finest example of existential ennui
in the games industry today") is no more than a figment of the
imagination of one John Gathercole; a 'gentleman' of unknown address.
I
can state categorically that Womble The CleansingTM is very much
alive and just about to go into its tenth edition (we'll beat that Cthullu
game yet). However there will be a slight delay until such time as we can find
where we put the revised chapters 3 to 17, appendix 'F' and the index. It is
possible that they are under the cat litter tray:- but you don't wish to know
that.
The
Creator of Womble The CleansingTM, Gary Rein~Garfield, is upset and
distraught knowing that someone is so blatantly taking the credit for all his
hard work. He has locked himself into the bathroom with only his teddy bear
for company, and is refusing to come out. We worry about Gary sometimes.
Clearly
this 'John Gathercole' has a lot to answer for.
Assuming
such a person as he exists, and with such a silly name I very much doubt it,
our lawyers (the Vercotti brothers) wish very much to have a quiet chat with
him to explain the finer aspects of the
laws regarding copyright infringement.
With
a baseball bat.
If
anybody claims to have seen this man would they please contact our office or
visit our trade stand which will be manned throughout the convention.
I
hope that this clarifies the company's position.
Terry
Rollkin
Managing
Director
WWOTLTSWTM
A word to Delegates to Gen-Con’97
WWOTLTSW
would like to make its position clear about what we consider to be a clear
case of double dealing and chicanery surrounding this convention. You may
recall that there was some confusion regarding the date of this event; and for
a time the going ahead of the convention was in doubt.
Then
it was announced that Gen-Con was happening and would take place around the
weekend of 30-31/08/97. It was a widely known fact that
WWOTLTSW had already announced a major event for this weekend. We had
firmly booked the 2nd Chiddington Scout Hut for our international games fair
and jumble sale: WOM-CON.
We therefore consider the
actions of the organisers of Gen-Con to be beyond the boundaries of fair play, and our lawyers are looking into
what legal action is available to us. Failing that, Luigi Vercotti says he
knows someone who has 'contacts' who can supply a decent quantity of high
explosive and detonators.
Rumours...rumours...rumours
You
may have heard unsettling rumours in the last couple of months regarding a
possible take-over of the White Wizards by another company, the Mages of the
Marsh. To set your mind at rest I can now say without fear of contradiction
that these rumours are absolutely true. However, our new owners have assured
us and we would like to assure you that there will be no drop in the quality
of our products, not that one was possible in the first place.
The
fact that we are now a wholly owned subsidiary of a company that is a
sub-division of a firm that is part of a group that is completely controlled
by an international consortium secretly run by a conglomerate of major
corporations that also controls the economies of several third world
countries, at least 2 multinational media empires and has connections to the
Bavarian Illuminati will have no effect on the reputation we have built up for
producing clear, readable, and most importantly,
concise rules for our products that contain easy to read syntax and we
are proud that it can is being so.
Notice to Our Mail Order Customers
As a result of an upgrade to our database, the procedure for mail
ordering is now significantly
easier to use. The steps are as follows:
1. Phone the usual number,
having your account details ready.
2. You will be put through to
Graham, our YTS trainee operator who will ask you for the 1st, 7th and 16th
letter of your password in reverse order.
3. At this point it is vital
that you place the special tone generator to the phones mouthpiece and
activate for exactly 6.25 seconds. Any longer and it will overheat and blow
up, and any shorter and you will be instantly disconnected; and will have to
start again.
4. Speak your order slowly and
clearly. Ignore the music you can hear, Graham likes to work with hold music
being played in the background.
5. If all the steps have been
correctly followed your mail order should now be complete. If not, expect
several large 'Extra-Meaty with Stuffed Crust deep pans' to be delivered
shortly, we share this new system with a Pizza Delivery firm (it
will, however, be delivered by Graham, as he moonlights and thinks that we
don't notice).
6. After several months of
waiting , give up and get the stuff from someone else; perhaps those fellows
at Devestium Games, or possibly Games Sweatshop (publishers of White Gnome
Magazine). If you try this Latter option however, be prepared to be told
that they don't produce the product, have never heard of the product and
wouldn't you prefer one of these lovely, hugely overpriced detailed figures
that are absolutely essential
if you want to win a game of 'Battleaxe 5th Edition'?
Follow
these much simplified procedures for a greatly enhanced service.
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