White Wizards of the Leading Tactical Strategic Workshop

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[Fall 1997 Catalogue]   [Statement]   [News]

 

WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT OUR PRODUCTS

Womble the Cleansing

"The finest example of existential ennui in the games industry today"

Pyrarcane:- Dec '95

 

"We didn't publish it, so therefore it does not exist."

White Gnome:- Feb '96

 

"I use it all the time; it keeps my whites white, but is gentle with my delicates"

Mrs Dunney of Chelmsford

 

Rubbish the Gathering

 "At last; a chance to collect a genuine rubbish card game"

Rule Player Independant:- Mar-Apr '96

 

"An absolutely offal game"

Brunhilde:- Feb '96

 

"A card game you can't refuse"

The Spaced Gamer:- May '96

 

"When I started playing this game I was an unemployed teenager with no prospects or girlfriend. Now I am Prime Minister and happily married; and it's all thanks to the White Wizards!"

T. Blair: 10 Downing Street,        London

 

"When I started playing this game I was Prime Minister . Now I am  a back bench MP with no prospects or girlfriend; and it's all thanks to the White Wizards!"

J Major: Ex of 10 Downing Street, London

  

Womble The GarbAge

 "It is exactly how I remember it, they have the atmosphere just right"

Count Vladimir Alucard, Transylvania

 

Pug Trek

"A worthy and imaginative adaptation of the series; true to the original and easy to understand. A real Gem of a game!"

Leonard T. Shatner:- Actore

 

"Are they joking? It wasn't like that at all!"

Patrick T. Frakes:- Actore, Directore & all round Superstore... er... Superstar

 

Womblestar Galactica

"I must admit to a vague sense of unease and disappointment when thinking about this product. The structure is inconsistent and the text is in at least 4 separate fonts on one page alone! The illustrations, far from being the sumptuous and rich drawings promised, looked as if they had been drawn by a ten year old with more enthusiasm than technique. The rules are poorly defined and very contradictory. All in all a poor offering, but no worse than  any of the company's other products"

Gareth Grimshaw:- 26/2/97, The Daily Times

 

"Since writing the review of this product in yesterdays paper, and my subsequent meeting with the Vercotti Brothers, I have had a change of heart. I now consider Womblestar Galactica to be the finest role playing game on the market, and possibly one of the high points of twentieth century literature."

Gareth Grimshaw:- 27/2/97, Ward 12 (Fractures & Breakeges), St Oddbins Hospital

 

"Not so much a  game, as the equivalent of a  motorway pile up, only less tactful."

Chipping Muddifield Parish  Newsletter

 

"Disapointing. Not enough mindless violence, bloodshed, or tasteless nudity. How are we supposed to complain about a product that is so bland and boring?"

Peter Rickfeatures

Representative of the Campaign for Cleaner  Roleplaying And Postal Games (CRAPGames)

 

Fall 1997 Product List

Trade enquiries welcome

WWOTLTSW0010

Womble The Cleansing the original and still the best! Our classic game and the first of the Womble of Darkness? cycle now enters its ninth edition with expanded text (entirely free of Spolling errors), top quality illustrations and even a comparatively correct index! (errata sheet available on request)

WWOTLTSW0014

Womble  The  Cleansing - The  Best of the Erratas (Vol 1): a compilation of the very best of the errata sheets for Womble the Cleansing. 190 pages of essential material for  serious Womble players.

WWOTLTSW0011

Rubbish The Gathering The Collectable Card Game that set the standard! The fully  updated rulebook now contains rules, instead of 26 blank pages (350 page appendix available separately). Free ultra rare piece of litter with every box of Booster packs bought!

WWOTLTSW0013

 

New for '97!

Rubbish The Gathering: Nuclear Waste Disposal!  Booster set for this classic card game. The first expansion set for any card game with genuinly radioactive cards with half life rarity value. Collect the set, and then watch it meltdown!

WWOTLTSW0020

Clanger The Keening Find out why they guard the Soup Dragon so jealously, and who built the Iron Chicken in the first place. This fully incomprehensive product  is slightly compatible with Womble the Cleansing; and sets the stage for the Womblestar Galactica Saga! Available in hard or soupback.

WWOTLTSW0021

Soup Dragon Dice Who will win the epic struggle for the holy soup Turin? Find out with this innovative and needlessly overcomplex dice combat game.

WWOTLTSW0012

Womble The Garb Age  Some tell of a time when Wombles did not hide from humanity, but carved their destiny on the world with a really sharp litterstick! Medieval refuse collection and the odd crusade or two can be experienced in this game!

WWOTLTSW0013

Womblestar Galactica  They're off into Space now, to re-discover the 12 lost  tribes. Only one ship is able to cope with this journey, and litter sticks just don't cut it against Photon Torpedoes. Full and detailed space combat rules  on a 1:1 scale (models not provided) which are fully incompatible with every other space combat system available!

WWOTLTSW0030

Pug Trek  Relive the Adventures of the USS Black Pig With Captain Jean-Luc Pugwash, the First Mate Mr Ryker and Wesley the Cabin Boy in this new Sci-fi RPG that  boldly infringes where no copyright  has been infringed before!

WWOTLTSW0040

 

New for '97

Quantam Ben  Theorising that time travel was possible simply by putting on a different set of clothes, Mr Ben stepped into the costume shop changing room:- and vanished! Classic Time Travel clichés and a bland diceless combat system make this a product to avoid like the plague!

WWOTLTSW0014

Mighty Mophin' Power Wombles!  Can superheroics and martial arts succeed where littersticks have failed? Find out in this  unashamed exploitation of a tired  & overhyped concept! Really lousy game mechanics combine with a wildly implausible background (involving giant robotic wombles)  to produce our tackiest product yet!

WWOTLTSW0022

Mighty Mophin' Clanger Rangers! I obviously spoke too soon. How are we getting away with such utter rubbish? It's a good job our customers are so gullible, otherwise we would have gone out of business ages ago. I mean, they say that there's one born every minute, and they all want to buy our products! Are they thick or something?  Oops, um... er... another great product from the White Wizards?

WWOTLTSW0050

Womble of Darkness: The Tee shirt Thrill your friends with this wonderful item. Availble in XL,XXL,XXXL , XXLXLXL , XXXLXXXL(X), MCMLXLVII,  and small

  

About the Company

The White Wizards of the Leading Tactical Strategic Workshop was set up in late 1994 to make some fast money supply an obvious need in the games market. Its role is seen by the staff as definitely not a way to get rich quick, but to produce games of a consistent quality. We hope that we  admirably succeed in this. It is our belief that the reputations of our products speak for themselves, which is fortunate as no-one in their right mind would do it for us.

About the Staff

Gary Rein~Garfield:- Chief Designer

Gary is a phenomenon. He has worked in the industry for 5 years and has over 100 games and ideas credited to his name. Admittedly, the vast majority of them have never been published, and most end up as studies into the aerodynamic qualities of crumpled paper.

He shot to fame in 1995 with the first edition of Womble, the Cleansing; a game that had to be immediately recalled when it was discovered that every page in the first half of the rulebook contained Garys' hand-written recipe for lasagne instead of rules; and the rest of the book was printed in Indonesian, using ancient sumerian hieroglyphs. Gary has gone on from there in leaps and bounds to produce some of our very least-worst games, and has established an, urm... 'unique' reputation for himself within the gaming industry.

Jack Steveson:-  Other Chief Designer

Jack comes to us from his own company, Jack Steveson Games, which unfortunately went bankrupt late in 1996. It is untrue that this occurred because his conspiracy card game 'Obscurinati: New World Design' was too accurate for comfort. As far as we know there is definitely not an international conspiracy dedicated to ruling the world, which is not run by a one eyed man called Guiscard. Such a non-existent organisation  is not based in tunnels under a shabby hotel in Paris; and it definitely did not threaten Jack with a fate worse than death if he didn't toe the line.  So that's all clear then.

Jack brings to the White Wizards a massive amount of experience and expertise; and unlike Gary, he does not suck his thumb and whimper when agitated. He has also brought with him the rights to his extensive back catalogue of his own games and systems, which we hope to exploit republish in the near future.

Jonathon Chirp:- Executive Administrator

Man of many parts, it is said that Jonathon is the only person to do any work around the office. However, since this is only said by Jonathon  it shouldn't be taken too seriously. In fact he spends most of the time making the tea, and can't even get that right. Amongst his official duties is the proof reading of all our products, including this flyer. The fact that you are reading this thinly veiled criticism now shows just how good at the job he really is. I mean, if I was reading something like this and saw a personal attack on me in there, I'd hit the roof. No, not him. He probably skipped right over it, the pompous little twit. Shall I tell you some stories about Jonathon, or 'Bootsie' as he is known in some parts of the city?  I think not. He is, after all, still under investigation; and we don't want the negatives to fall into the wrong hands, do we Jonathon? Thought not.

The Vercotti Brothers:- Legal Team

They are our lawyers, and that's all. If anyone has told you differently, they're lying; and you can't prove anything. Besides, they've paid their debt to society, and are fine just so long as they stay on the de-caff.

Graham:- YTS trainee

Graham has worked for us for three months, and will do anything to be involved in the games industry; so we try to keep him and Jonathon apart. He volunteered to come and work here, which we all found highly amusing until we realised he was serious. As a result, he does everything, from publicity to the switchboard; and he's happy being paid peanuts! Not that we exploit him. Oh no; definitely not.

Terry Rollkin:- Managing Director

What can be said except what has been said so many times already?  Supreme athlete, concert pianist, Concorde pilot, mountain climber, diplomat, space captain and genius. All of these titles have been used to describe Captain Kremen, but not Terry Rollkin. Terry spends most of the time when he should be running the company writing haiku poems in Japanese that mercilessly satirise the gaming industry. Fortunatly, they're awful, so nobody reads them.

 

 

They have sucked our blood and manipulated our lives

(and been unbearably, tragically hip)

 

They have raged against our corporations

(and shed fur on the carpet)

 

They rip the fabric of reality in their quest to ascend

(Invisible mending bills are astronomical)

 

They haunt our existence

(Have you ever tried to get ectoplasm off loose covers?)

 

They struggle against the mundanity of modern life

(and throw away the boring bits)

 

This is the world;

 

It's a dirty, messy, place.

 

There is only one solution:

 

Somebody has to clean up afterwards

 

The classic series that set the standard

Womble The Cleansing

Rubbish The Gathering

Womble The Garb Age

Womblestar Galactica

Mighty Mophin' Power Wombles!  

 

FAR INTO THE FUTURE....  

There will come a time when the forces of chaos will threaten to

overwhelm the civilised universe.

The Emperor of all Humanity will decree the  formation of a

hand-picked team of  warriors to combat the menace.

 

THEY WILL BE TOUGH,

THEY WILL BE MERCILESS,

THEY WILL HAVE REALLY BIG  BAZOOKAS;

 

AND THEY'LL TELL YOU  WHAT THEY WANT,

WHAT THEY REALLY, REALLY WANT.

 

WWOTLTSW presents its HUGELY EPIC miniatures rules:

 

A Girlpower 40,000

Game

Winter 1997

 


A STATEMENTTM

There has come to our attention through various sources a rumour that our product, Womble the CleansingTM does not - in fact - exist.

The rumour states that the game (described in the magazine 'Pyracane' as- and I quote: "...the finest example of existential ennui  in the games industry today") is no more than a figment of the imagination of one John Gathercole; a 'gentleman' of unknown address.

I can state categorically that Womble The CleansingTM is very much alive and just about to go into its tenth edition (we'll beat that Cthullu game yet). However there will be a slight delay until such time as we can find where we put the revised chapters 3 to 17, appendix 'F' and the index. It is possible that they are under the cat litter tray:- but you don't wish to know that.

The Creator of Womble The CleansingTM, Gary Rein~Garfield, is upset and distraught knowing that someone is so blatantly taking the credit for all his hard work. He has locked himself into the bathroom with only his teddy bear for company, and is refusing to come out. We worry about Gary sometimes.

Clearly this 'John Gathercole' has a lot to answer for.

Assuming such a person as he exists, and with such a silly name I very much doubt it, our lawyers (the Vercotti brothers) wish very much to have a quiet chat with him to explain the finer aspects of  the laws regarding copyright infringement.

With a baseball bat.

If anybody claims to have seen this man would they please contact our office or visit our trade stand which will be manned throughout the convention.

I hope that this clarifies the company's position.

 

Terry Rollkin

Managing Director

 WWOTLTSWTM


 


News Page

A word to Delegates to Gen-Con’97

WWOTLTSW would like to make its position clear about what we consider to be a clear case of double dealing and chicanery surrounding this convention. You may recall that there was some confusion regarding the date of this event; and for a time the going ahead of the convention was in doubt.

Then it was announced that Gen-Con was happening and would take place around the weekend of 30-31/08/97. It was a widely known fact that  WWOTLTSW had already announced a major event for this weekend. We had firmly booked the 2nd Chiddington Scout Hut for our international games fair and jumble sale: WOM-CON.

We therefore consider the actions of the organisers of Gen-Con to be beyond the  boundaries of fair play, and our lawyers are looking into what legal action is available to us. Failing that, Luigi Vercotti says he knows someone who has 'contacts' who can supply a decent quantity of high explosive and detonators.

Rumours...rumours...rumours

You may have heard unsettling rumours in the last couple of months regarding a possible take-over of the White Wizards by another company, the Mages of the Marsh. To set your mind at rest I can now say without fear of contradiction that these rumours are absolutely true. However, our new owners have assured us and we would like to assure you that there will be no drop in the quality of our products, not that one was possible in the first place.

 The fact that we are now a wholly owned subsidiary of a company that is a sub-division of a firm that is part of a group that is completely controlled by an international consortium secretly run by a conglomerate of major corporations that also controls the economies of several third world countries, at least 2 multinational media empires and has connections to the Bavarian Illuminati will have no effect on the reputation we have built up for producing clear, readable, and most importantly,  concise rules for our products that contain easy to read syntax and we are proud that it can is being so.

 

Notice to Our Mail Order Customers

As a result of an upgrade to our database, the procedure for mail ordering is now  significantly easier to use. The steps are as follows:

1. Phone the usual number, having your account details ready.

2. You will be put through to Graham, our YTS trainee operator who will ask you for the 1st, 7th and 16th letter of your password in reverse order. 

3. At this point it is vital that you place the special tone generator to the phones mouthpiece and activate for exactly 6.25 seconds. Any longer and it will overheat and blow up, and any shorter and you will be instantly disconnected; and will have to start again.

4. Speak your order slowly and clearly. Ignore the music you can hear, Graham likes to work with hold music being played in the background.

5. If all the steps have been correctly followed your mail order should now be complete. If not, expect several large 'Extra-Meaty with Stuffed Crust deep pans' to be delivered shortly, we share this new system with a Pizza Delivery firm (it will, however, be delivered by Graham, as he moonlights and thinks that we don't notice).

6. After several months of waiting , give up and get the stuff from someone else; perhaps those fellows at Devestium Games, or possibly Games Sweatshop (publishers of White Gnome Magazine). If you try this Latter option however, be prepared to be told that they don't produce the product, have never heard of the product and wouldn't you prefer one of these lovely, hugely overpriced detailed figures that are  absolutely essential if you want to win a game of 'Battleaxe 5th Edition'?

Follow these much simplified procedures for a greatly enhanced service.

 

 

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This page is purely a work of parody and satire, please try not to take it TOO seriously, OK?
Oh yeah, the Spice Marines figures really are available from GZG.
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