White Wizards of the Leading Tactical Strategic Workshop

News from the White Wizards

New Company Order?

Following the announcement that our parent company, the Mages of the Marsh^© (M^oM) had been purchased by the Hash-Brown Corporation there have been some significant changes to our corporate culture. These, of course, are completely in the best interests of YOU, our loyal  customers.

Honest.

Would we lie to you?

As a consequence, we are pleased to welcome back Jonathon Chirp (with his Assistant, Timothy) as our new Executive Director. Jonathon has great experience with this firm, and his untimely departure last year was, he claimed, simply the result of professional jealously. He has decided to carry out a radical restructuring of the company, or as he puts it ‘a witch hunt’. His goal is to make this once again the successful company it was (before he was chucked out) and deserves to be in the future. Not that he’s placing blame or  pointing any fingers. Oh no; that would be completely against our new corporate culture.

However, a result of this restructuring, we  are sorry to see the back of say goodbye to such stalwarts of the industry as Terry Rollkin & Gary Rein~Garfield. They have decided to move on to pastures new & fresh projects, and with any luck we’ll never see or hear from them again.

Julian Kalenda has been promoted to Deputy Director in charge of the Notional Arm Responsible for Training & Staff Efficiency Enforcement. He has proved his worth to the company in the four years that he has been with us (and salutes Jonathon so nicely), and still works for the minimum wage:- the perfect employee!

A Bold New Direction

Of course, these changes may make a difference to our product line, but since those burks… ahem… employees who used to work for us didn’t bother to register any owner rights, we own the copyrights and there’s nothing they can do about it.

We will be concentrating on the areas where you have told us you want us to go (well actually not quite; the most popular place we’ve been told to go is quite unprintable:  there may be small children reading). Most of the Womble of Darkness^© line will continue unchanged under the steady hand of our new Chief Designer, Timothy, as will the ever-popular Spice Marines^©  range (Figures still available from Ground Zero Games™). However most of the other ranges will be phased out to make room for our bold new project:- more on this later!

John Gathercole

In the past we have had a certain amount of difficulty with this gentleman. Over the last 5 years he has produced several ‘joke’ flyers parodying our products, and even at one stage claiming credit for the creation of our entire company! But that is all behind us now.

Several weeks ago Mr Gathercole was finally tracked down (by Lorenzo, the Vercotti brothers prize bloodhound) and our lawyers at  last had a chance to have a nice, quiet, chat with him.

After Mr Gathercole left hospital he made a formal and sincere apology, and has pledged to never attempt to parody our products again. Not being ones to hold a grudge, we have taken him at his word, and hope that he can find some more productive use for his obviously misguided enthusiasm for our company.

Advanced WtC

The new edition of Advanced Womble, the Cleansing will be published under the banner of our parent company, the Mages of the Marsh^©. This is a deliberate policy on our part to try to ensure that the game has the maximum possible coverage in the industry and the hobby as a whole.

Speaking at the pre-launch announcement, Jonathon Chirp – our glorious leader – made it clear that this decision had absolutely nothing to do with comments made by the managing director of M^oM (in an open letter to the hobby in general) where he implied that he had absolutely no confidence in the WWOTLTSW product range, and would happily see it sink into oblivion. “He has been quoted out of context, and has assured me of his good intentions” Jonathon confidently asserted. He then sat down, started to cry and was heard to mutter “Oh my God, we’re doomed!”

The Next Big Thing

We mentioned briefly above our secret project. We will shortly be able to reveal the name and concept behind what we hope will redefine the game industry:- for all time.

Those of you lucky enough to go to Gencon will be thrilled to know that you will be allowed a sneak preview if you come to our Trade Stand, but only if you swear to secrecy! Trust us, this is going to be huge!

New Products for Fall 2000

Pokawomble

Finally, the product you’ve all been waiting for! Yes, it has taken 12 months of careful and patient negotiations, but now we can reveal the future of the gaming into the millennium! Use your favourite womble (that you keep in a little ball when not in use) to fight the villainous Team Rubbish and foil their dastardly schemes! Never has so much effort been put into a game before! Literally thousands of hours in the making oh what the heck am I saying? This is the worst con job since.. well since our last big game I suppose. Heh, that’s a laugh:- us doing big games. Nothing’s been the same the ‘Night of the Long Knives’; and that little ******** Jonathon is too busy gloating over his triumph to worry about what we think of the situation. Never mind, I suppose that I’ll just delete this pap and get on with the spiel: nobody will read it in the first place, but I suppose ‘d better make the effort. You know that you’ll NEED this game more than you’ve needed any other, so pre-order NOW to avoid the rush!

Womble the Garb-Age: Europe’s Saga (campaign book)

Back in the distant times, whilst mankind suffered under the darkest and messiest of dark ages one lone womble saved his race from extinction caused by chronic overwork. For his effort he was rewarded with the highest accolade: that of being named after a continent. To find out how he did this read this must-have guide and discover why they remember the greatest of their tribe with a song that goes ‘Remember Euro Womble’

Trumpton by Night

Everyone thinks it is secure here, a nice quite country town, a friendly place where couples believe it safe to bring up their children. Nothing could be further from the truth. Dark forces lurk within the Town Hall, and the Fire Station holds a deadly secret! Includes information on the slave labour camp that masquerades as the biscuit factory at Chigley, and the secret organisation dedicated to fighting the forces of evil and their dark overlords: Camberwick Green.

Spiffing: XENOMORPH!

When those thoroughly British chaps and chapettes start to explore space who could have guessed what they would encounter? Join Lady Eleanor Ripely and the Royal Marines aboard HMS Nostromo, as their stiff-upper-lips and skin-tight Jodhpurs are tested to their limits by thoroughly unbritish bug-like creatures with far too many pairs of legs !

Watergate SG-1: The RPG

When a Portal is found in the sands of Egypt that leads into the dangerous and exotic worlds of American politics, a crack team is formed to explore the unknown. Join them, as they search strange hotel rooms & break into the White House in search of evidence of the legendary cover-up. Flexible rule systems, Innovative troop play options and extensive PR ‘spin’ makes this game look far more interesting than it actually is.

Tourist , the Sunbathing

Less of a game, more of a way of getting cash together for our next trip to the Caribbean. Send us money now:- we need a holiday! Not that ‘Little Lord Jonathon’ would give us any time off, of course. Oh no, he’s too busy sucking up to his new  corporate masters. I tell you, it was never like this under Terry Rollkin. At least he cared about the games. Not Jonathon (yes, Mr President, no Mr President, I’ll get my people on it right away sir) Chirp; he’s just interested in hard currency and getting revenge on Terry and Gary for sacking him. Guys, if you are reading this: HELP!!! PLEASE COME BACK BEFORE THE MEGALOMANIAC DESTROYS THE COMPANY!

This is a White Wizards Parody Production: long live the revolution!  If you can read this I’ve made it way too big... oh well, c’est la vie. Special Thanks to Julian Napier, Steve Gill, Tink, Ian Goolding and the Esdevium Games Team that made this all possible. Respect Guys! John Gathercole

A very Special Invitation to UK GenCon Attendees

We at the White Wizards of the Leading Tactical Strategic Workshop are pleased to announce that during this years UK Gen-Con we will have the exclusive use of the prestigious Derekson Suit, just next to the Esdevium Games Demonstration rooms. We will be taking this opportunity to host a series of seminars and discussion groups designed to promote the evolution of our hobby. The topics covered will be of the widest scope and the highest calibre, and the guest speakers will be people at the very heart of the games industry. Many top names in the hobby have already expressed firm interest in sitting on the panels that run  throughout the duration of the convention.

This will be an unprecedented opportunity for those who attend to gain an insight - and even a voice – into where we go from here. Topics that will be covered and the times of the events are:

A message from Jonathon Chirp; our  Leader Executive Director

My people:

It has been a year since the unfortunate set of circumstances that led to my temporary dismissal from our company. Since then I have had plenty of time to think about what happened. It probably will not surprise you to know that the startling conclusion I came to was that I was totally innocent of all blame, and that it was all the fault of those foul conspirators Gary Rein~Garfield and Terry Rollkin. It is entirely their fault that the White wizards started to lose its share of the market place. I tried to warn them, but NO! They would not listen to my reasoned words.

Well now I am in charge, all that will change. With those two lazy, insensitive, horrible men out of the way I promise a bright new dawn for the company; a golden age, under my benevolent leadership, that will last a Thousand Years. It is time for us to expand in those areas of the industry where previously we have shown little interest – areas that it is our birthright to dominate! We must strike at our competitors without mercy or pity: we must be as steel, tempered in the flames of destiny to do what must be done!  One Staff, one Company, one Executive Director (with help from my good friend and assistant Timothy)!  You will be the instruments of my will…. (continued on page 96)

Order Sheet

Unfortunately, just before going to print the economic uncertainty caused by fluctuating crude oil prices & pork belly futures has meant that we have had to reassess our pricing policy. For regular updates on the prices of each of  our products, and details of our new on-line ordering service, please check out our website below.

Customer Details

© 2002 SystemFast Techniques

This page is purely a work of parody and satire, please try not to take it TOO seriously, OK?

Oh yeah, the Spice Marines figures really are available from GZG.

Have a fun day :-)