Anti-FAQ

Once upon a time on the Land Rover Mailing list (Feb 1995 for those that really want to know), a newbie by the name of Taylor asked a whole bunch of questions. Someone mentioned oil coolers on military Land Rovers. Taylor said that he didn't know Land Rovers were oil cooled and asked if someone could explain that. R. Pierce Reid responded with some humorous questions and answers. Then someone else made a few responses. And the rest is history...

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How do I stop the drips on my leaky transfer case?
- First drain the oil. Then replace the plug. This should solve the problem. [BM]
Can young children be of assistance when driving a Land Rover?
- Not when driving. They do make excellent wheel chocks when parking, though. [RS]
Can a Land Rover run on alternative fuels?
- Certainly, and they often do. Many are powered by tow trucks, helpful strangers, and Newfoundland's. [RS]
What is the best source for parts for a Land Rover?
- Any Land Rover close enough to get there and back before sun-up, but far enough away that its owner doesn't know you. [RS]
Why are Land Rover tailights full of water?
- This, in fact, is a standard feature of the "City" model as opposed to the "County". The Solihull design team correctly identified the need for water-cooled brake lights for use in city environments where the brake light is on for extended periods. It can be ordered from most LR outlets, as can the top-up kit consisting of:
What in heaven's name IS an ARB Locker and does it matter if I don't know?
- An ARB Locker is a special cabinet in the rear of a Land Rover where the ARB is kept. Mainly for Military use, the ARB, or Automatic Re Breather, is used for deep wading. You may have noticed that the intake snorkels fitted to Land Rovers are about 12 inches above the crew's heads. Clearly the crew needs to be able to breathe as well. This apparatus is used to supply air to the crew under these circumstances. (Most ordinary 4x4 users do not need them.) [DO]
Is it true that Land Rovers float?
- Unlike Volkswagon Beetles, Land Rovers do not float. They will, however, drive without any problem drive across the bottom of deep water like, say, a Great Lake or the English Channel. Of course, you can get the pontoon kit if you don't want to wear scuba gear while driving. The 2.25 L engine does not really need a snorkel, it is so rugged it runs when full of water. Two other types include Bob Davis's Mercruiser Rover, and a military application that encased the body shell in a large rubber air bladder that was inflated by the exhaust. It was called the Land Rubber. [RPR & ??]
- That's true, Land Rovers do not float. You have to get a Sea Rover if you want to do any serious off-land traveling. The Sea Rover is a variant of the familiar Land Rover. It is water-tight, has a rear brass drive screw, and a a rudder that conveniently attaches via the pintel hitch. All series Land Rovers came conversion-ready with a pintel hitch attached and the hole through the rear frame member for the propeller drive shaft (Yes, that's why it's there, Taylor). Call Lanny at Rovers North and ask for their Sea Rover conversion package. I think they have them on special this month. [S]
Should I buy a Series Rover or a Defender/Disco/RR?
- To find the answer to this question, post one note explaining that you feel that Series Rover owners are backward technology fearing anal anoraks, then follow it with another note stating that you feel that Defender/Disco/RR owners are stuck up cel-phone heads who couldn't tell a lugnut from a macadamia nut. Ask everyone to respond to you direct, and watch your mailbox fill. (Be sure to cc Dixon & Mike F) :-) [BM]
Is a Land Rover any kind of a babe magnet?
- This topic has been covered before. Do not bring it up again. Ever. [BM]
  
  Depends upon the babe in question and the Rover. Your best bet is to get at least one of each of the following:
  1. SI 80 (or even better a prototype): for the babes who like antiques and functionality.
  2. SII/IIA 88: this model with "character dents" (I really don't want to know what caused the dents--some form of victory marks I'll bet ;) has been know to attract movie and broadway stars.
  3. Range Rover Classic: for the trendy (Valley Girl/American Princess) babes.
  4. US D90: for the really trendy babes who are into the latest thing (don't worry, the D90 won't rust out before she's onto the next trend)
  5. SIII Doormobile: for the folksy babe who misses the VW microbuses You may want to invest in tiedye clothing.
  6. SIII 109 PU: to attact southern babes (don't forget the gun rack)
  7. SIIA soft top 4 door (sans top, sans back seat, with mattress in back, painted glossy white): to attract the bimbo babes who think that it's a convertable with a large rumble seat.
  8. 101 Military Ambulance, painted something other than Olive Drab (candy apple red would be good), so that you can transport the babe's luggage once you attract her. [BAS]
Are there any ill effects from prolonged driving a diesel with the top off?
- Yes. Mike Rooth has become irritable, bad tempered, and his diction has deteriorated due to long term exposure to diesel fumes. Steve Denis has, er, well your have to see him to understand the full impact. Considering they both have hard tops, a diesel with a canvass top would be sheer lunacy. [BM]
- Yes. The diesel fumes shoot in through the back toward the passengers. Short term effects include a swarthy latino look ( I used to be Albino), Loss of memory (I could have sworn this beer was full), loss of hearing and Shaken Bladder Syndrom. The average Land Rover diesel driver turns out a 20 oz of ash. [DD]
Can I carry passengers in the spare tire on the hood?
- Yes, but they must be seated when you let out the clutch. If the driver isn't watching the passenger's butt, the passenger will impact the windscreen. ABP sells aftermarket airbag systems that deploy outwards through the bulkhead vents for such an event. [BM]
Do Dormobiles come with an internal toilet?
- Yes. In fact all Land Rovers have this feature. Just lift the center seat, remove the access panel, and drop your drawers. [BM]
Do Dormobiles come with an internal showers?
- Yes. All Land Rovers have this. When it rains. [BM]
Do I need a radar detector if I buy a series Land Rover?
- Probably not. The only recorded instance of someone being pulled over for speeding in a stock IIA in North America since 1960 involved Russel Dushin in 1994. [BM]
What is the best way to mount a CB antennae to a Land Rover?
- The best antennae mount is the Lucas Tri-Polar Magnetic mount antennae. The poles have been shifted 90 degrees so it sticks to aluminum. Rovers North sells them. Ask for Lanny and tell him you need a Lucas Tri-Polar Magnetic mount CB antennae. I think they're on special in this month's flyer. [BM]
Why does a 2.25 gas Land Rover take almost 20 seconds to 60mph?
- A stock Land Rover has 8 speeds forward and you must wait 2.1 seconds between each shift. [BM]
What is the Camel Trophy?
- The Camel Trophy is a lighthearted romp by team members of various countries through exotic vacation spots. The members are chosen in a raffle by Ed McMahon of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. There is a short competition during the 2 week cruise/tour. Some of the events include:
  - Mango Juggling
  - The 3 legged Coconut tree climb
  - Spank the monkey (if indigenous to the location)
  - Find the elephant's trunk (if indigenous to the location)
  - Thong Raids on the beach (formerly panty raids)
  - Drinking pitchers of Guinness while seated in large tubs of ice. Each member downs 2 pitchers of ale while seated in a tub of ice for 10 minutes. The cold temperature has the effect of shrinking the bladder. After the 10 minutes are up, the teams stand up and gather round a porta-potty. The last team member to empty his bladder wins the event.
  But no Camel Trophy would be complete without the Land Rover Discovery Camel competition. Each team is equipped with a brand new Land Rover Discovery, equipped with 300 TDI engine, 5 speed, Warn winch, skid plates, roof rack, jerry cans, sand ladders, high lift jacks, rally computers, and GPSs. A camel is then strapped to the roof of each vehicle. The drivers procede to rev their powerful TDI engines to 4000rpm and beyond. This really pisses the camels off. And when camels are pissed off they spit. The team who's camel spits the farthest wins the competition. [BM]
What are all of the levers in the front for?
- Most Land Rovers are automatics, so you shouldn't have any levers up front. However, if you have the rare edition James Bond model, you will have 5 lever in front. Each has its own function.
  1. Red lever: pulling back (towards the rear of the Land Rover) drops an oil slick for the guy behind you to skid on. Remember, only use this if you are travelling faster than 60 mph or it might jam. Also you have only enought oil for one shot.
  2. Yellow lever: Smoke screen for non diesel versions (press down)
  3. Black lever with white button: Ejection seat. Pull up as hard as possible. You need to be going at least 30mph for it to work properly. Don't forget your parachute.
  4. Black Ball lever: machineguns. Black ball has the shown pattern on it. Normal position is in the middle so that it can go side to side. To shoot the forward guns you must be moving. Then push the lever towards 1, 2, 3, or 4. That many machineguns will fire. R is for a rearward facing machine gun.
    R 1 3 |__|__| | | 2 4
    
    [BAS]
If I drive my RHD on the left side of the road, does the chassis number change?
- Yes, but you have to be driving at least 50 mph, and it happens so fast that you need to keep eyes firmly affixed to the data plate on the firewall. [TFM]
- Ahhh, but Doktor Mills, it is not so simple. The chassis number will change, but as with all such quantum effects, it will only change when it is not being observed... very similar to a kettle boiling. What you fail to mention is that the number will appear to _decrease_ as the Rover approaches c (v=speed of light), but this is a relativistic effect. It is in fact the result of OTHER chassis numbers increasing at the same rate while yours slows... but you'll need the high-compression V8 to try this experimentally...[CRW]
How do I get my wife/husband to agree to purchasing a Land Rover?
- You don't. Just buy it, get divorced, and then convince the judge to award you alimony to help support your "baby". [RS]
Which is better, a Land Rover sII 109", a case of good beer, or a loving, caring, beautiful, intelligent wife?
- A1: This is a tough question. Many claim the Land Rover, but there are those that prefer the beer. [RS]
- A2: Actually, IF you sell your soul, you can have all three (like me ;^) ), although you want to make sure you get a loving, caring, beautiful, intelligent wife THAT WON'T drink the beer. [JH]
How many Land Rover Owners does it take to change a lightbulb?
- At least nine. The relative merits of genuine parts versus aftermarket products must be discussed, with of course, the consideration of the value of equivalent, common, american replacements, which leads to a lively symposium about the validity of non-original Land Rovers, degenerating into a heated argument about which particular Land Rover model is the best, incorporating, naturally, a joke about a Corgi or Dinky model being the best, starting a comparison of various miniature Land Rover collections, culminating with a trading frenzy, whilst the remaining participants rehash the benefits of cooking on a galvanized grill versus the resulting toxicity. Eventually the bulb *is* replaced, at which point, seeing as how it's Lucas Electrics, it promptly burns out again. [RS]
Are Land Rover *users* as patient as owners?
- No,not usually.The British Army sometimes gets so cross with them,they throw them out of aeroplanes.Then they feel sorry for them,and throw themselves out as well. [MR]
Which is the best Land Rover to own?
- One you havent paid for yet. [MR]
Are Land Rovers air-portable?
- Certainly.Most Matchbox editions can be carried as hand luggage. [MR]
Can Land Rovers be double parked?
- Yes. Engage first low,and park on top of the Buick in front. [MR]
How do I tell if I got one of the export Land Rovers with the zinc crankshafts?
- This is best done by taste. You dip your finger up to the first joint in crankcase oil. If it has a sort of taste like chewing tinfoil (chew some to find out what it tastes like first), you are fine and have a proper steel crank.If it has a blackened-redfish taste to it, you have a zinc crank and should immediately buy a Buick. [RPR]
Should I put locking hubs on all four wheels to get maximum milage.
- The Land Rover will run very efficiently with all four hubs unlocked. Especially downhill with a tailwind. Or, you can tie on to the back of a Buick and have friends tow you all over town -- you can even put a tape of engine sounds in the that kicker stereo (instead of the tape of rapper Six-Pack Shabazzor whatever) and rally crank it up to make people think there is a 440 hemi under the hood. [RPR]
Should I consider a Series 0 Land Rover?
- The very rare Series 0 (Series "ought" Land Rovers are generally the best choice for people looking for luxury and off-road ability. They were built in ajoint venture between W.O. Bentley himself and Rover PLC in the 1920's. ConnleyLeather interiors, burl walnut trim, a Bentley straight-8 with blower, all titanium body and a 4 wheel drive system later copied in WWII by German engineers. They never rust, have electrical systems built by NASA and are guaranteed never to get stuck. The Queen has one. If you search a really longtime, you can probably find one for about $1000. I am sure people on this list will be glad to send you all kinds of leads since we don't want anything so plush. [RPR]
If I buy a Left-Hand drive vehicle, where can I find a left-handed starting handle to go with it?
- Left hand drive vehicles require a left-handed Starting handle. Rovers North sells them. Ask for Lanny and tell him you need a left-handed starting handle. [RPR]
Are Land Rover Owners generally patient people?
- Land Rover owners are very patient people If we weren't, we'd drive Buicks without Lucas electrical parts in them. I remember a bar in West Virginia where I waited almost 3 minutes for my beer before driving my Land Rover through the front doors and burning the place to the ground. But I hear Dixon has a temper, especially when he is out of Guinness. [RPR]
What other differences are there between left and right hand drive vehicles besides the steering wheel being on the wrong side?
- The handbrake is in the RH footwell, the wing mirror is moved to the right wing, looking down at the pedals, they are gas, brake, clutch when looking from left to right, the exhaust comes out the other side, the gear selection remains the same etc.
Will I need a left hand fan,if I dont already have one?
- Yes. The way to find out is to remove the radiator and grill, start the engine,and poke the head through the gap until contact is made with the fan.If it removed the head from the left hand side, the fan requires changing.I wouldnt bother with the head,its no use now,anyway. [MR]
- (The following is loosely translated from a little known "Basic Land Rover Physic", originally written in 'Mock Sweedish' and submitted to the journal of unreproducable experiments.)
When driving my 88 (made in 1959, titled as a 1960) in very cold weather, I (made in 1961, titled as a 1962) find that my elbows emit a loud creaking noise when attempting to turn the steering wheel hard to either side. How do I fix this?
- Hey, it's an easy fix. A pair of coveralls fitted with a flexible hose to the heater works very well. You can even drive with the windows open (recommended, since there is no longer any airflow to the defrosters), although passengers have it pretty tough. But hey, let'm squeek.
  This actually was a factory installed option on ragtop models, suffix A through F.
What about Sea Rovers?
1. If purchasing the Sea Rover option, remember that the Birmabrite body and steel chassis create a galvanic cell when exposed to salt water or any water containing inpurities. This can result in large electrical charges being built up in the operator with the obvious detrimental (to health) effects on stepping ashore. In our area (Great Lakes) Canadian National Railways avoided this problem by commissionning some special steel bodied 109 pick ups. Unfortunately due to the increased mass they wouldn't float and were thus confined to rail yard operation where they were readily able to compete with freight trains in the shunting competitions. Even without bull bars. One of these may be just what you are looking for as it looks just like an old Buick from a distance. Same dull orange tint even after the CN paint wears off. [ET]
2. Alas, the well conceived but ill-fated Sea Rover. Rarely is it even mentioned today.
  Yes, the Sea Rover was available. And few realize how readily available it in fact was. Maybe you saw those ads: "Why go through it when you can go on it?"
  It seems that originally, all 'series' Rovers were to take advantage of this feature. The Safari roof was found acceptable only as a pleasure craft in this application. The outer skin seems to impede the design aspect of the 'skiff' roof when higher rates of travel and hydroplaneing are sought. Though the name suggests it, this is not the configuration to take on a 'surfing safari.' Weather seals must be good. Certainly, restraining devices are necessary. In rough seas, the shoulder harness is to be preferred. However, the Sea Rover was never quite taken advantage of in the LHD market and for a few simple reasons. Perhaps they may be soon resolved. Recent activity here suggests that the solution is coming to hand.
  The biggest problem was with that damn LHD fan that had to be put on for the NADA market. As originally designed, the fan embellished and augmented all the thrust provided by the exhaust. It actually works as a combo fanboat/jetboat and moves about quite well. But the LHD fan cancels out the propulsion of the exhaust. Simple blocking off of the radiator with cardboard works (no, you won't overheat!), but performance is compromised. It can be used nicely for trolling for bass and the like if you wish. (an inexpensive way to 'get your feet wet') Most people lost interest, the market dropped off, and the concept became dormant.
  Ah! Now I read here that RN has the RHD fan and cranks again. Or maybe they can be obtained as a leftover from a conversion. (remember - never one without the other!!) Hopefully, they will be returning the extended outrigger/pontoon kit to stock as well. (Almost necessary for open water) Do remove that weighty RN Mansfield anti roll kit, if fitted. (The drilling modification will only get them down to 465 lbs.) You might be able to return it for credit. (Certainly they will begin showing up as used) We all know the coil is already oriented properly. I remember those days pulling the kids about on their tubes. Maybe they are to return. Also available (though currently restricted) is the dual, right and left exit exhaust kit. (both brackets needed) You have to add another control lever but a very maneuverable craft is made. From what I understand, the US Army/Delta Force has a number of these in their stable. Elusive classified technical papers state that acceleration was actually recorded at 32.2 ft/sec/sec!! "G"!
  Oh, a word to the wise. Remove/reverse any 'full wave' antennaes prior to launch. Bob didn't and snagged a submerged tree or something. Not wishing to get wet, he just went around in circles until we got out to him and winched him off. (See 'Winching in Safety', Special MOD Pub.#14, pg. 78) Maybe he's a candidate for that 'Lug-nut' award? [JD]
Are Rovers a likely to Roll over (and play dead) as Jeeps?
- Stock Land Rovers can be a wee bit tippy too. But you can improve on the design with the Rovers North Mansfield Anti Roll bar kit. It consists of 2 long rectangular bars made of some sort of heavy metal, each weighing 743lbs. They are attached to the bottom of the left and right frame rails with supplied u-bolts. This lowers the center of gravity and greatly improves the stability of the vehicle. Don't attempt the installation alone. They'e a bit awkward. Ask your wife/girlfriend to help. They aren't too expensive but the shipping really sucks. Call Rovers North and ask for Lanny. Tell him you need the Rovers North Mansfield Anti Roll Bar kit. Unfortunately it's not on special this month. [BM]
Do you have to turn the crank the opposite direction if you're south of the equator?
- No. The only modification needed for travel in the southern hemisphere is to fit the counter-plugs for the oil filler holes. These plugs screw in counter-clockwise, and are required to prevent the dreaded "coreolis" effect, which would cause normal plugs to unscrew themselves as you drive. [RS]
How do I rotate the taillight oil?
- Taillights don't require oil, of course. What they need immediately after purchase, or after deep wading, is a thick coating of dust and mud. This keeps the light inside the taillight assembly, where it is stored, allowing the unit to function virtually forever. This coating should never be washed off. It is a part of the unit, much like the aging of fine leather. [RS]
Which is better, a Hummer or a Land Rover?
- A Hummer is very different from a Land Rover. Each is outstanding in its own element. But first we need to define both:
  - Land Rover- A very capable British 4X4.
  - Hummer - A recreational game where a male has a very close friend wrap tin foil around one of his extremities. The friend then encloses the foil in her mouth, and hums away.
  - A Hummer is better if the tunes hummed include "Flight Of the Bumble Bee", or "Ride of the Valkyries".
  - A Land Rover is better if the tunes hummed include the themes from "Gilligan's Island" or "Mr. Ed". [BM]
What can I do to make the engine turn over faster?
- A1: Its winter now. 'tis the time to dilute the 20w50 with some gasoline... [DK]
- A2: I hear that by removing the oil filter element you can substantially reduce the viscosity, over time, of your engine oil. Takes a little while, but is guaranteed to work. Also, you can just rip a few large holes in it....saves you from having to extract it from within its little cuppy thing. [Anon]
What is Genuine Land-Rover Scotch? And how do you make it?
- A: In the late sixties, Land-Rover offered a PCV/PTO driven whiskey still. Simply mount the still in place of the air filter, route the filler neck hose to the still. Fill the sump with water and the grain of your choice. After a few hundred miles, attach the hose from the PTO driven pump to the still and out comes glorious Genuine Land-Rover Scotch. I've seen it in action and "boy, let me tell you" that is a damn fine product! Just call Bruce at DAP and ask him for one. He's got a couple laying around, but they won't last long! [DB]
What about the Anti-Lock Brake System factory installed in Series Land Rovers?
- Actually, Land Rover introduced a form of antilock braking system back in the late forties which deployed air pockets in the brake lines maintained by calibrated "leaks" around the seals and pipe unions. This forces the operator to pump the pedal 4 to 7 times before full pressure is achieved, thus keeping the wheels from locking up. This system was so succesful that it was maintained as standard in all series vehicles and early Range Rovers. It was also such a reliable system, it could always be counted on to work.
- A new system, introduced within the last few years, is "ABS". This is really nothing more than an automated version of the original system. Once the pedal is depressed, the system automatically and rapidly pumps the brakes up. [RT]
What kind of Land Rover do I have if I hit a jump at 100 mph and the wheels stay off the ground?
- You have the super rare Air-Rover conversion kit made my Supermarine & Messerschmidt.
  Always was intrigued with the pusher-puller propellors mounted on the front and back...[DK]
Where/What is the Mid-Atlantic Rallye?
- The annual rally of the Sargasso Sea Sea-Rover Club, or Float- Rover (the pontooned version of the special produced by Supermarine and Messerschmidt with fore and aft pto drive propellors) Generally taking place somewhere off the coast of Bermuda, within binocular range of the babes on the pink beaches. See the previously answered question about the Sea-Rover. [DK]
I was looking over a parts catalogue and floored by the costs of Series swivel ball and brake rebuild kits. Are all parts this expensive? Please reveal your Series parts source stashes!
- Ok, ok, well let you in on the secret! Way up in the backwoods of the Vermont wilderness, there's a place called Rovers North that has ALL the old Land Rover parts left over from the dealerships that closed in the 70's. The parts are still wrapped in the original boxes and wax paper and some of them have never even been seen. In fact, some of them are hermetically sealed inside individual vaccuum packed containers which are then stored in a locked climate controlled vault that can only be accessed by two different people using different keys simultaneously in locks that are on opposite sides of the room. They have new parts too, but the secret is in the old parts that go for less than 1/4 the price of the new parts. These secret parts are reserved for the most dedicated and dyed-in-the-wool Land-Rover owners and enthusiasts. If you call and ask about them they will usually pretend they don't know what you are talking about, but it might be worth a try. Call 1-(802)-879-0032 and ask Lanny about the secret new-old-stock parts stash. Careful though, don't let on that you know too much or you might find yourself being shadowed by mysterious black Range Rovers 4.6's with tinted windows and funny antennas... [DB]

End of FAQ.

Submissions (in alphabetical order) by:

Dave Bobeck (dbobeck@ushmm.org) [DB]
Bill Calloccia () [BC]
Dale Desprey (al045@freenet.carleton.ca) [DD]
Jim Dolan (JDolan2109@aol.com) [JD]
John Hess (jfhess@ucdavis.edu) [JH]
Dixon Kenner (dkenner@fourfold.org) [DK]
Matthew Loxton (matthewl@dinet.co.za) [ML]
Bill Maloney (maloney@wings.attmail.com) [BM]
"T.F. Mills" (tomills@du.edu) [TFM]
David Olley (newconcept@tcp.co.uk) [DO]
R. Pierce Reid (70004.4011@compuserve.com) [RPR]
Mike Rooth (M.J.Rooth@lut.ac.uk) [MR]
Sanna@aol.com [S]
Roger Sinasohn (sinasohn@crl.com) [RS]
Benjamin Smith (bens@fourfold.org) [BAS]
Randall Thomas (rthomas@postoffice.ptd.net) [RT]
Easton Trevor (TEASTON@DQC2.DOFASCO.CA) [ET]
C. R. Wright (?) [CRW]

Direct credits given at the end of each answer (when known)

Many thanks to Dixon Kenner & Benjamin Smith from the

Ottawa Valley Land Rovers

web page for giving permission to use their material.