JOKES, QUOTES AND CARTOONS
The Man Song
Teenagers Are Cats For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats: 1.Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name. 2.No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot. 3.You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents. 4.Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile. 5.No cat or teenager shares you taste in music. 6.Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing. 7.Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did. 8.Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom. 9.Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture. 10.Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior. Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.
From the WordPerfect Help Desk This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause." Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" "Yes, I think so." "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." ".......Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." ".......Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power outage." "A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
"FUNNY QUOTES & SIGNS"
Human Resource Lingo "COMPETITIVE SALARY" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY" We have no time to train you. "CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up. "MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. "SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" Some time each night and some time each weekend. "DUTIES WILL VARY" Anyone in the office can boss you around. "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" We have no quality control. "CAREER-MINDED" Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way). "APPLY IN PERSON" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled. "NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality. "SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE" You'll need it to replace three people who just left. "PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST" You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. "REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. "GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
FUNNY QUOTES. I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted - George Best "When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." - Sacha Guitry. "Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife." - Groucho Marx. "My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe." - Jimmy Durante. "I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons." - Douglas Adams." The definition of a consultant: Someone who borrows your watch, tells you the time and then charges you for the privilege." - Times newspaper "The first rule of business is: Do other men for they would do you." - Charles Dickens. "A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth." - Patrick Murray. "Make crime pay. Become a Lawyer." - Will Rogers. "The Scottish verdict 'not proven' means 'guilty, but don't do it again'." - Winifred Duke. "Gentlemen prefer bonds." - Andrew Mellon. "A bargain is something you can't use at a price you can't resist." - Franklin Jones. "All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy." - Spike Milligan.
