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When
you know someone who has lost a baby it can be difficult to
know what to say or do. Sometimes you think you are saying
something helpful or supportive but the parents find it upsetting.
Here a few things that our members found upsetting and why.
It is followed by some ideas on what you could say or do.
What
not to say
1. It
was for the best - For whom, not me or the baby.
2. You
will forget about it soon - I do not want to forget my baby.
3. I
understand how you feel - Even if you have lost a baby yourself
grief is so personal.
4. There
was probably something wrong with the baby - This may well
be true but we don't want to hear it.
5. You'll
have another one - But I wanted this one.
6. Were
you overdoing it? - Are you suggesting I killed my baby?
7. You
are lucky you have children already- it doesn't make a difference
we have still lost a baby.
What
to say
1. I
am so sorry.
2. This
must be hard for you.
>3. What
would you like me to do?
4. I
am here for you.
What
not to do
1. Don't
avoid me because you feel uncomfortable.
2. Don't
expect anything from me.
3. Don't
change the conversation to distract me.
4. Never
assume I am OK because I have stopped talking about it or
have got on with the practicalities of life.
What
to do
1. Keep
in touch.
2. Send
me a card.
3. Offer
to help with practical things.
4. Persevere,
even if I am horrible.
5. Let
me cry.
6. Don't
expect to know what to say and don't feel obliged to fill
the embarrassing silence.
7. Let
me talk.
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