Kate's Story

I just feel I have to write this letter as though I might forget my story. I will write every day until I no longer need to. I will always love you. It all started on Tuesday 28th October 1997, my birthday. I was 16 weeks pregnant and I had been feeling heavy all day, like I had a full term baby inside of me. I had a very slight bloodstain and my doctor arranged for a scan to reassure me.

That night I had severe stomach pains and went to the local GP unit and I was admitted. The pain went and the next day I was scanned, all was well. It was lovely to see you but scary as well. The next few days I felt rough but you were happily kicking around inside and then I started to bleed. I went straight for a scan and still you were fine and I went home again. That night I went to bed shivering but my temperature was 102C. I was again admitted in an attempt to bring my temperature down.

The next day I was fine, but still bleeding and I went home. By now it was Sunday and I was still bleeding and starting to cramp. I was in pain but I refused to acknowledge it. I guess having had 2 normal pregnancies I knew I was experiencing labour and that could only mean one thing. I was terrified to go to the loo in case I lost you down the toilet, Then the bleeding gushed and I was convinced I had lost you, but no. I knew I had to get to hospital I didn't know what to expect but I was nearly 17 weeks pregnant and I knew my baby was several inches long. I couldn't cope with this.

At the hospital the doctor who examined me was heavily pregnant and gave me little information. I was terrified because I thought they were sending me home. The nurse calmed me down and explained that I would be giving birth and that I could see my baby if I wanted to. I had pethidine, it didn't numb the pain, but it numbed my mind. A few hours later I gave birth to you. They were not sure what sex you were but you looked like a little boy to us and we named you Finbar. It was so hard.

They put you in a doll crib and handed me to you, you were small and transparent but you were my baby and I loved you. We said goodbye and they took you away to take some photos and hand and foot prints. Everyone was so lovely. The next day a Monday morning it was different, The night before it was quiet and I gave birth to my baby. It was peaceful but now it was hustle and bustle and everyone was busy. Even the doctor who came to see me hadn't read my notes and asked me a pile of stupid questions he didn't realise I had already lost my baby. He was very embarrassed when I told him and I was glad. They let me hold you one more time that morning and I said goodbye.

We went home to cry.

Aoife

On Tuesday 29th September 1998 I went for my 10-week scan with a friend. The scanner prodded around because my bladder wasn't very full. Then he told me all was not well. There was no heartbeat my baby was dead. She was just over 9 weeks in size. I cried and then asked for a scan photo. I think they thought I was a bit odd for asking.

I then moved to the waiting area, passing through the crowded waiting room of expectant mums in a dream. My husband came and I cried some more. I had a decision to make. Wait for a natural miscarriage or have a D & C. I wanted to wait so we went home.

When I got home reality and practicality took over. I couldn't go out of the house until I had lost my baby. How would I cope if someone asked if I was OK? I'm fine but I'm carrying my dead baby inside. I knew I could wait for up to two weeks but my husband couldn't take that much time off. So I decided on the D& C. I cried a lot the next morning as we set off for the hospital. I quietly said goodbye to our baby who we named Aoife and I had the D&C.

I woke up from the operation fine but sleepy. It wasn't real I knew my baby was gone but she could still have been there. Four hours later I was home, as simple as that. I have cried a lot and I am now numb. I just don't want to see any one any more. I can't face the real world. I want to hide in my house forever. I even find myself planning how to get my daughter to school without seeing or talking to any one. Impossible so I know I have to get out soon. I just don't know how I am going to get through this. I guess I will recover I did with Finbar.

Life is so unfair. I was so looking forward to this baby.

Back to the top

HOME