A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend.
They *$%£ for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver.
Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...
(She is speaking in a cheery voice)"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called.
Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. that sounds terrifiic.
Great!
Thanks.
Okay.
Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
Bloke driving around in his Porsche in the countryside. Stops outside a field full of sheep, walks up to the shepherd and says "I've got an offer.
I'll guess how many sheep you've got in this field, and if I guess right, I get to take a sheep with me, and if I guess wrong, you get my car."
Shepherd thinks he's on to a sure thing and agrees.
"137" says the driver.
"Damn me, you're right.", says the shepherd and dutifully hands over a sheep.
Man walks away, stuffs sheep in car, and is about to drive away when the shepherd knocks on his window.
"I've got a proposal for you. If I can guess what you do for a living, I get to take your car. If I'm wrong, you can have all my sheep." "Done", says
The driver, counting up the number of nights he could be kept happy with 137 sheep.
"You're a consultant.", says the shepherd. "Bloody hell, how did you guess?"
"Easy. You come in here uninvited, you tell me what I already know, and then you charge me for it."
Q. Why does Edward Woodward have so many D's in his name?
A. Because otherwise he'd be called Ewar Woowar.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good!
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have any film.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
How do you tell when you have run out of invisible ink?
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
OK, so what's the speed of dark? (Very enlightening question!)
She was so blond. . .
she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
she thought a quarterback was a refund
she tripped over a cordless phone
she put lipsick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind
she got stabbed in a shoot-out
she told someone to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK"
they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade
she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here", she put "Sagittarius"
if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless
when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved
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