What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?
-- Richard M. Nixon
------------------------------------------------------------
"I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder
have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products. his
technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's reign.
My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go by
some more."
-- timw@zeb.USWest.COM
------------------------------------------------------------
I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work.
------------------------------------------------------------
"I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!"
-- Paul McCracken
------------------------------------------------------------
"I am not now, and never have been, a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger."
-- Gloria Steinem
------------------------------------------------------------
I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party.
-- Dennis Ritchie
------------------------------------------------------------
"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."
-- English Professor
------------------------------------------------------------
"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for
the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."
-- Winston Churchill
------------------------------------------------------------
"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top."
-- English Professor, Ohio University
------------------------------------------------------------
I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast
with an option to buy.
------------------------------------------------------------
"I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater."
------------------------------------------------------------
"I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person,
of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I
tell you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial
atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable.
I can't help it. I was born sneering."
-- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan
------------------------------------------------------------
"I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some
of the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work
for you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway."
-- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy, University
of Tennessee at Knoxville
------------------------------------------------------------
"I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I
can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know
this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their
great respect, they don't even invite me."
-- Dave Barry
------------------------------------------------------------
'I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean."
-- G. K. Chesterton
------------------------------------------------------------
"I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat."
-- Will Rogers
------------------------------------------------------------
"I bet the human brain is a kludge."
-- Marvin Minsky
------------------------------------------------------------
I brake for chezlogs!
------------------------------------------------------------
I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up.
-- Biff Barf
------------------------------------------------------------
I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan prostitute
dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very bored with washing
and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after relentless day.
-- Betty MacDonald
------------------------------------------------------------
I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
------------------------------------------------------------
"I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability
and 25 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could
be true."
-- Harry Truman
------------------------------------------------------------
"I can resist anything but temptation."
------------------------------------------------------------
"I can't complain, but sometimes I still do."
-- Joe Walsh
------------------------------------------------------------
"I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling."
-- Florence Henderson
------------------------------------------------------------
I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who
can understand it.
-- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands.
------------------------------------------------------------
I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a
novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
-- Fred Allen
------------------------------------------------------------
"I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions."
-- Lillian Hellman
------------------------------------------------------------
I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the
rate of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ...
-- F. H. Wales (1936)
------------------------------------------------------------
I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.
What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good
grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause
of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the
United States would have lost World War II."
-- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar"
------------------------------------------------------------
"I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a quavering
voice.
"No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish,
of course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in Elven-lore:
"This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
-- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
------------------------------------------------------------
" I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead!
Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still
..."
-- Steven Wright
------------------------------------------------------------
I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd
rather dance with the cows till you come home.
-- Groucho Marx
------------------------------------------------------------
"I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except
perhaps the time I found out that M&Ms really *do* melt in your hand
..."
-- Peter Oakley
------------------------------------------------------------
"I didn't know it was impossible when I did it."
------------------------------------------------------------
I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions.
The curtain was up.
------------------------------------------------------------
I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because
we use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently leads
to violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say,
in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had
time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the library,
we could call each other up:
You: Hello? Bob?
Bob: Yes?
You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space
you took last Thursday? Outside of Sears?
Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed?
You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
"Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait. I
mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill and ..."
No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto
the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to
have to get back to you.
Bob: Fine.
-- Dave Barry,
------------------------------------------------------------
I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic
an exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible
to minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary accountants
fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a mind like mine
to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the bottom up, and
then again from the top down, the result is always different.
-- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.)
------------------------------------------------------------
"I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them."
-- Isaac Asimov
------------------------------------------------------------
"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed
us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use."
-- Galileo Galilei
------------------------------------------------------------
"I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should."
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
------------------------------------------------------------
"I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and
Aquarians don't believe in astrology."
-- James R. F. Quirk
------------------------------------------------------------
"I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the nominating"
-- Boss Tweed
------------------------------------------------------------
"I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem."
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
------------------------------------------------------------
"I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of people
waiting to abuse me."
-- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
------------------------------------------------------------
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have
to.
-- Elvis Presley
------------------------------------------------------------
"I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have
to."
-- Elvis Presley
------------------------------------------------------------
"I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it
I'd eat it, and I just hate it."
-- Clarence Darrow
------------------------------------------------------------
"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path."
-- Ronald Mabbitt
------------------------------------------------------------
I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the
streets and frighten the horses.
-- Victor Hugo
------------------------------------------------------------
"I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?"
------------------------------------------------------------
"I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the
other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
------------------------------------------------------------
I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that
the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is
thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists broadcast
signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake. Alien beings
have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off their federal
programs as if they were merely poor people ...
-- Davy Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE COMING!"
------------------------------------------------------------
I doubt, therefore I might be.
------------------------------------------------------------
"I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's
business on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the
moment he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual
becoming, with a goal in front and not behind."
-- George Bernard Shaw
------------------------------------------------------------
"I drink to make other people interesting."
-- George Jean Nathan
------------------------------------------------------------
I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading
on, so I woke up from sheer boredom.
------------------------------------------------------------
I for one cannot protest the recent Underground fare hike and the accompanying
promises that this would in no way improve service. For the transit
system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that can't be measured
in monetary terms.
Personally, I feel that it is well worth £1 or even £2 to
have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came
by tube." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot
should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly understand
his long delay.
------------------------------------------------------------
"I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words."
------------------------------------------------------------
"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very
reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment."
-- Gotama Buddha
------------------------------------------------------------
I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *horrifying*
20 minutes of my life!
------------------------------------------------------------
'I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."
-- Mae West
------------------------------------------------------------
I get up each morning, gather my wits.
Pick up the paper, read the obits.
If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
------------------------------------------------------------
I get up each morning, gather my wits.
Pick up the paper, read the obits.
If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent?
My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.
But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin,
And think of the places my get-up has been.
-- Pete Seeger
------------------------------------------------------------
"I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler
Moore show I heard the word 'damn'!"
-- Mary Lou Bax
------------------------------------------------------------
"I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense."
------------------------------------------------------------
"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means
it's going to be up all night."
-- Steven Wright
------------------------------------------------------------
"I hate quotations."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
------------------------------------------------------------
I have a simple philosophy:
Fill what's empty.
Empty what's full.
Scratch where it itches.
-- A. R. Longworth
------------------------------------------------------------
"I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle
it any time!"
------------------------------------------------------------
"I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show,
which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'."
-- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
------------------------------------------------------------
I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth
and they never believe me.
-- Camillo Di Cavour
------------------------------------------------------------
I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.
-- Edgar Allan Poe
------------------------------------------------------------
"I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages.
You sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an eight-ulcer
man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I have never
met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of fsteak and perhaps
a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a guttersnipe, is a gentleman
compared to you. You can take that as more of an insult than as a
reflection on your ancestry."
-- President Harry S Truman
------------------------------------------------------------
I have learned
To spell hors d'oeuvres
Which still grates on
Some people's n'oeuvres.
-- Warren Knox
------------------------------------------------------------
"I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming
that I have never made one."
-- James Gordon Bennett
------------------------------------------------------------
"I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time
to make it shorter."
-- Blaise Pascal
------------------------------------------------------------
"I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer."
-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
------------------------------------------------------------
"I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best."
-- Oscar Wilde
------------------------------------------------------------
"I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it
scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it.
-- Steven Wright
------------------------------------------------------------
"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..."
-- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
------------------------------------------------------------
"I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking
his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell
beating up a child."
-- Steven Wright
------------------------------------------------------------
I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked
at in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
-- Poul Anderson
------------------------------------------------------------
"I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere."
------------------------------------------------------------
"I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it."
------------------------------------------------------------
I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
------------------------------------------------------------
"I just need enough to tide me over until I need more."
-- Bill Hoest
------------------------------------------------------------
I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.
------------------------------------------------------------
"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World
War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
-- Albert Einstein
------------------------------------------------------------
"I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building."
-- Charles Schulz
------------------------------------------------------------
"I like being single. I'm always there when I need me."
-- Art Leo
------------------------------------------------------------
I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more
to
promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people
want eace so much that one of these days governments had better get out
of the way and let them have it.
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
------------------------------------------------------------
"I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours."
------------------------------------------------------------
"I like your game but we have to change the rules."
------------------------------------------------------------
"I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This
is what entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils."
-- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson
------------------------------------------------------------
"I love to eat them Smurfies
Smurfies what I love to eat
Bite they ugly heads off,
Nibble on they bluish feet."
------------------------------------------------------------
"I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but
don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the
speed of light."
-- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk
------------------------------------------------------------
"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent."
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
------------------------------------------------------------
"I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as
a week sometimes to make it up."
-- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
------------------------------------------------------------
I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts
------------------------------------------------------------
"I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could
do was to go away."
------------------------------------------------------------
"I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like."
------------------------------------------------------------
I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
-- G. B. Shaw
------------------------------------------------------------
"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
-- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus)
------------------------------------------------------------
"I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the
kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled substances
being in widespread use. Back then, there were no restrictions, in
terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we e one, and it sounds
like a group of people who have been given powerful but unfamiliar instruments
as a therapy for a degenerative nerve disease."
-- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
------------------------------------------------------------
I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!
------------------------------------------------------------
"I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral
slob."
-- William F. Buckley
------------------------------------------------------------
"I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put more
simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might
appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise
than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.'"
-- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
------------------------------------------------------------
I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize
that the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional
congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile so
we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the plumber.
But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such
as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of the
world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never n large
cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually write about,
such as nose-picking.
-- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against Political
Fallout"
------------------------------------------------------------
I really hate this damned machine
I wish that they would sell it.
It never does quite what I want
But only what I tell it.
------------------------------------------------------------
"I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person."
------------------------------------------------------------
I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes.
I hope they do get 'em lowered enough so people can afford to pay 'em.
-- Will Rogers
------------------------------------------------------------
I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
Bernoulli would have been content to die
Had he but known such _a-squared cos 2(phi)!
-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
------------------------------------------------------------
I sent a letter to the fish,
I told them, "This is what I wish."
The little fishes of the sea,
They sent an answer back to me.
The little fishes' answer was
"We cannot do it, sir, because ..."
I sent a letter back to say
It would be better to obey.
But someone came to me and said
"The little fishes are in bed."
I said to him, and I said it plain
"Then you must wake them up again."
I said it very loud and clear,
I went and shouted in his ear.
But he was very stiff and proud,
He said "You needn't shout so loud."
And he was very proud and stiff,
He said "I'll go and wake them if ..."
I took a kettle from the shelf,
I went to wake them up myself.
But when I found the door was locked
I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked,
And when I found the door was shut,
I tried to turn the handle, But ...
"Is that all?" asked Alice.
"That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
-- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
------------------------------------------------------------
"I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck."
-- Graffito in Los Angeles
------------------------------------------------------------
"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was
supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which actually
made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..."
-- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning
Points in l'Amour"
------------------------------------------------------------
"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got
a full house and four people died."
-- Steven Wright
------------------------------------------------------------
"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took
me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph."
-- Shirley Temple
------------------------------------------------------------
I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do
too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide
which direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy.
After much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a
hot tub to face is up.
-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
------------------------------------------------------------
"I think it is true for all n. I was just playing it safe with n >=
3 because I couldn't remember the proof."
-- Baker, Pure Math 351a
------------------------------------------------------------
"I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it."
------------------------------------------------------------
I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick
and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this country
are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people in this
country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not,
and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am.
-- Monty Python
------------------------------------------------------------
I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree.
Perhaps, unless the billboards fall
I'll never see a tree at all.
-- Ogden Nash
------------------------------------------------------------
I think that I shall never see
A thing as lovely as a tree.
But as you see the trees have gone
They went this morning with the dawn.
A logging firm from out of town
Came and chopped the trees all down.
But I will trick those dirty skunks
And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'.
------------------------------------------------------------
"I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple
to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the
farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light
into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from
the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing off
this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the color
scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on out, it's
the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars singing,
and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors."
-- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club
------------------------------------------------------------
I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown
... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said
I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown
today. When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that
we are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point
was driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa
Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin,
were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous conversation
...
-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
------------------------------------------------------------
"I thought you were trying to get into shape."
"I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
------------------------------------------------------------
" ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a pallbearer
for all my friends who run and do exercises!"
-- Winston Churchill
------------------------------------------------------------
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace
in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
-- Woody Allen
------------------------------------------------------------
I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.
------------------------------------------------------------
"I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
------------------------------------------------------------
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
------------------------------------------------------------
"I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my
body. Then I realized who was telling me this."
-- Emo Phillips
------------------------------------------------------------
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
near the place.
-- Steven Wright
------------------------------------------------------------
I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals.
I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected
with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger,
the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier
in the summer.
-- Brendan Behan
------------------------------------------------------------
"I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St.
Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE HAW"!!'"
-- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County"
------------------------------------------------------------
I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know
anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is
a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows up.
-- Will Rogers
------------------------------------------------------------
"I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident
I put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So
I figured what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times.
I thought I should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at
everyone to get off my driveway."
-- Steven Wright
------------------------------------------------------------
"I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I
said I didn't know."
-- Mark Twain
------------------------------------------------------------
I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending
their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to buy
things they don't need to impress people they dislike.
-- Emile Henry Gauvreay
------------------------------------------------------------
"I was playing poker the other night ... with Tarot cards. I got a
full house and four people died."
-- Steven Wright
------------------------------------------------------------
"I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything
specific".
-- Steven Wright
------------------------------------------------------------
I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I
strained it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars
and low-mass stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively
cold. ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent
-- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had developed
an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case. Finally I got
a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's temperature to be less
than absolute zero. I had found an error. I chased down the
error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to the point where
it would not run at all.
-- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black Holes
and the Fate of Stars"
------------------------------------------------------------
"I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had
any questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the
speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?
He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work
for him then.
-- Steven Wright
------------------------------------------------------------
"I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It
was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they
weren't included."
-- Steven Wright
------------------------------------------------------------
"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
statues that are in all the other museums."
-- Steven Wright
------------------------------------------------------------
I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that
it took seven others to beat him!
------------------------------------------------------------
"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work."
-- Gallagher
------------------------------------------------------------
"I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've
always worked for me."
-- Hunter S. Thompson
------------------------------------------------------------
"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."
------------------------------------------------------------
"I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got
to undo it."
------------------------------------------------------------
"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat."
------------------------------------------------------------
"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I
snore."
------------------------------------------------------------
"I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in
`Y.'"
------------------------------------------------------------
"I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my
blender."
------------------------------------------------------------
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my garage
door."
------------------------------------------------------------
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch
from Julian to Gregorian."
------------------------------------------------------------
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting
for static cling."
------------------------------------------------------------
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered."
------------------------------------------------------------
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my cottage
cheese sculpture."
------------------------------------------------------------
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving."
------------------------------------------------------------
"I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma transplant."
------------------------------------------------------------
"I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night."
------------------------------------------------------------
"I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV."
------------------------------------------------------------
"I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never
came back."
------------------------------------------------------------
"I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to
say tuned."
------------------------------------------------------------
"I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues
that need worrying about."
------------------------------------------------------------
"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."
------------------------------------------------------------
"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over,
carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia,
I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun."
-- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H
------------------------------------------------------------
I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd
listen to it!
-- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire
------------------------------------------------------------
I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
And in our bound partition never part.
-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
------------------------------------------------------------
"I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.
That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood."
-- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones]
------------------------------------------------------------
"I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from
man."
------------------------------------------------------------
I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!
------------------------------------------------------------
"I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my sister."
------------------------------------------------------------
I'm changing my name to Chrysler
I'm going down to Washington, D.C.
I'll tell some power broker
What they did for Iacocca
Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
I'm changing my name to Chrysler,
I'm heading for that great receiving line.
When they hand a million grand out,
I'll be standing with my hand out,
Yessir, I'll get mine!
-- Tom Paxton
------------------------------------------------------------
I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
------------------------------------------------------------
"I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did."
------------------------------------------------------------
"I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men
to die in."
-- George McGovern
------------------------------------------------------------
I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
-- Fred Allen
------------------------------------------------------------
I'm going to live forever, or die trying!
-- Spider Robinson
------------------------------------------------------------
... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of
a KOSHER DELI!!
------------------------------------------------------------
"I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?"
-- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
------------------------------------------------------------
i'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be
living apart.
-- e. e. cummings
------------------------------------------------------------
I'm N-ary the tree, I am,
N-ary the tree, I am, I am.
I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
She's traversed me seven times before.
And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!)
I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
N-ary the tree I am, I am,
N-ary the tree I am.
------------------------------------------------------------
"I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I
am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get."
------------------------------------------------------------
"I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday
life."
------------------------------------------------------------
I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing
is -- I could be just as proud for half the money.
-- Arthur Godfrey
------------------------------------------------------------
"I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it
(your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage."
-- English Professor, Providence College
------------------------------------------------------------
I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
-- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance"
------------------------------------------------------------
"I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's
lives"
------------------------------------------------------------
I've built a better model than the one at Data General
For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.
I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
-- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of
"Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance",
by Gilbert & Sullivan)
------------------------------------------------------------
I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
------------------------------------------------------------
I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there
was this little hole in the bottom ...
-- John Croll
------------------------------------------------------------
I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
------------------------------------------------------------
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
-- Groucho Marx
------------------------------------------------------------
I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes
on the same day.
------------------------------------------------------------
"I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer."
------------------------------------------------------------
"I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer"
-- Senator Claghorn
------------------------------------------------------------
I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
And from that full meridian of my glory
I haste now to my setting. I shall fall,
Like a bright exhalation in the evening
And no man see me more.
-- Shakespeare
------------------------------------------------------------
IBM had a PL/I,
Its syntax worse than JOSS;
And everywhere this language went,
It was a total loss.
------------------------------------------------------------
Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a
box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
------------------------------------------------------------
Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary
confinement.
------------------------------------------------------------
Idiot Box, n.:
The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the
stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
------------------------------------------------------------
Idiot, n.:
A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
------------------------------------------------------------
If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape
at about 30 miles/second.
-- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming
------------------------------------------------------------
If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by
law.
-- Roy Santoro
------------------------------------------------------------
"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far."
-- Paul White
------------------------------------------------------------
If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast
is a camel's behind.
-- Edgar R. Fiedler
------------------------------------------------------------
If A equals success, then the formula is A =X + Y + Z. X is work.
Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.
-- Albert Einstein
------------------------------------------------------------
If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be
N-1
passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager.
-- T. Cheatham
------------------------------------------------------------
If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours,
it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes
guilty.
-- Joseph C. Goulden
------------------------------------------------------------
If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake
him up.
------------------------------------------------------------
If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
------------------------------------------------------------
If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have
dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain
a position in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop.
The law of gravity supercedes the law of golf.
-- Donald A. Metz
------------------------------------------------------------
"If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good
attitude. If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment
to playing the game right. If it plays the game right, it will win
-- unless, of course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager
can make goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?"
-- Sparky Anderson
------------------------------------------------------------
If all be true that I do think,
There be Five Reasons why one should Drink;
Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
Or lest we should be by-and-by,
Or any other reason why.
------------------------------------------------------------
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular
error.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
------------------------------------------------------------
If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10
foot platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave
hat would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska.
------------------------------------------------------------
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
-- Paul Beatty
------------------------------------------------------------
If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach
a conclusion.
-- William Baumol
------------------------------------------------------------
If an S and an I and an O and a U
With an X at the end spell Su;
And an E and a Y and an E spell I,
Pray what is a speller to do?
Then, if also an S and an I and a G
And an HED spell side,
There's nothing much left for a speller to do
But to go commit siouxeyesighed.
-- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament"
------------------------------------------------------------
If anything can go wrong, it will.
------------------------------------------------------------
If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
------------------------------------------------------------
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
------------------------------------------------------------
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four
tellers?
------------------------------------------------------------
"If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?"
------------------------------------------------------------
If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
------------------------------------------------------------
If everybody minded their own business, the world would go around a
deal faster.
-- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass"
------------------------------------------------------------
If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
------------------------------------------------------------
... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with
the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls asleep
or point out any mountains looming up ahead ...
-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
------------------------------------------------------------
If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three
to a can.
------------------------------------------------------------
If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
------------------------------------------------------------
If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
------------------------------------------------------------
If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit
Ears.
------------------------------------------------------------
If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their
Heads.
------------------------------------------------------------
If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born
with green, baggy skin.
------------------------------------------------------------
If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
------------------------------------------------------------
If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to
invent it.
------------------------------------------------------------
If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger
hands.
------------------------------------------------------------
If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
------------------------------------------------------------
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
------------------------------------------------------------
"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows."
-- Yiddish saying
------------------------------------------------------------
If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
-- Marvin Kitman
------------------------------------------------------------
"If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will
be replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!"
------------------------------------------------------------
If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!
-- Samuel Goldwyn
------------------------------------------------------------
If I don't drive around the park,
I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
If I'm in bed each night by ten,
I may get back my looks again.
If I abstain from fun and such,
I'll probably amount to much;
But I shall stay the way I am,
Because I do not give a damn.
-- Dorothy Parker
------------------------------------------------------------
If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.
------------------------------------------------------------
If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the plantation
and go home.
-- Eugene P. Gallagher
------------------------------------------------------------
If I had any humility I would be perfect.
-- Ted Turner
------------------------------------------------------------
"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."
-- Albert Einstein
------------------------------------------------------------
If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on
the shoulders of giants.
-- Isaac Newton
In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side
with the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
-- Gerald Holton
If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing
on my shoulders.
-- Hal Abelson
In computer science, we stand on each other's feet.
-- Brian K. Reid
------------------------------------------------------------
If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.
On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is also a psychological interaction.
The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so friendly.
The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
------------------------------------------------------------
If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
As Dame Fortune did intend,
Murphy would be there to tell me
The pot's at the other end.
-- Bert Whitney
------------------------------------------------------------
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
------------------------------------------------------------
If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
------------------------------------------------------------
If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.
They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun
of it.
-- Thomas Carlyle
------------------------------------------------------------
"If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they
forgot to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll
just think the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And
if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces
of mail get lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken! And if 1Gb
of mail gets lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa is down and think it's
a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to receive Net Mail
..."
-- Leith (Casey) Leedom
------------------------------------------------------------
If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
------------------------------------------------------------
If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
-- Tom Robbins
------------------------------------------------------------
If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women
you've got in the house.
-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
------------------------------------------------------------
If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying
by the page number.
------------------------------------------------------------
If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
------------------------------------------------------------
"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think
little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking,
and from that to incivility and procrastination."
-- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859)
------------------------------------------------------------
If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants.
-- A. Einstein.
------------------------------------------------------------
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large
deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
------------------------------------------------------------
If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
------------------------------------------------------------
If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without
having to accomplish anything.
------------------------------------------------------------
If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad,
he should see how bad it is with representation.
------------------------------------------------------------
If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of arithmetic,
we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical world.
One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by the use
of the mathematics of probability.
-- Vannevar Bush
------------------------------------------------------------
If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied
harder.
-- Pope John Paul I
------------------------------------------------------------
"If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem."
-- C. Durance, Computer Science 234
------------------------------------------------------------
If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would
presumably flunk it.
-- Stanley Garn
------------------------------------------------------------
If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
-- Norm Schryer
------------------------------------------------------------
If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need
to get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude.
See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving thenatural
method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall
learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The college, which
should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and
the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded
spirits. I would have the studies elective. Scholarship is to be
created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge.
The wise instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely
the attractions the study has for himself. The marking is a system
for schools, not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious
work to put on a professor.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
------------------------------------------------------------
"If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough
for me!"
-- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)
------------------------------------------------------------
If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances
are 50-50 it will.
------------------------------------------------------------
If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.
If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.
If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance
will exceed all expectations.
-- Reverend Chichester
------------------------------------------------------------
If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
------------------------------------------------------------
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
------------------------------------------------------------
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
-- Art Hoppe
------------------------------------------------------------
If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make
something out of you.
-- Muhammad Ali
------------------------------------------------------------
If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
------------------------------------------------------------
If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
------------------------------------------------------------
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
------------------------------------------------------------
If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was
yesterday?
------------------------------------------------------------
If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
doing the thinking.
-- Lyndon Baines Johnson
------------------------------------------------------------
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
-- Laurence J. Peter
------------------------------------------------------------
"If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely"
------------------------------------------------------------
"If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage."
------------------------------------------------------------
If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
-- Marguerite Emmons
------------------------------------------------------------
If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it?
-- Ann Edwards-Duff
------------------------------------------------------------
"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars."
-- J. Paul Getty
------------------------------------------------------------
If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
------------------------------------------------------------
If you can read this, you're too close.
------------------------------------------------------------
If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
------------------------------------------------------------
If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give
me a call.
------------------------------------------------------------
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
------------------------------------------------------------
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
-- Harry S Truman
------------------------------------------------------------
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
------------------------------------------------------------
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
------------------------------------------------------------
If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.
-- Clarence Day
------------------------------------------------------------
If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter.
-- Freeman Dyson
------------------------------------------------------------
"If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do:
Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet."
-- Jay Leno
------------------------------------------------------------
If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to
either of you for the rest of the day.
------------------------------------------------------------
"If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going
to have to get a toehold in the public eye."
------------------------------------------------------------
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
------------------------------------------------------------
If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it
will always do it.
-- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin
------------------------------------------------------------
"If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do
is make the rubble bounce"
-- Winston Churchill
------------------------------------------------------------
If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
------------------------------------------------------------
If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
------------------------------------------------------------
"If you have to hate, hate gently"
------------------------------------------------------------
If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage
to boot yourself in the posterior.
-- A. J. Liebling
------------------------------------------------------------
If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
------------------------------------------------------------
If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
-- Graham Summer
------------------------------------------------------------
If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few
people die past the age of a hundred.
-- George Burns
------------------------------------------------------------
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if
you really make them think they'll hate you.
------------------------------------------------------------
If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
-- Maslow
------------------------------------------------------------
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop.
------------------------------------------------------------
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not
bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-- Mark Twain
------------------------------------------------------------
If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
ice, but no cup.
------------------------------------------------------------
If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage.
But this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow
enobled and none dare criticize it.
------------------------------------------------------------
If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up.
You're the sucker.
------------------------------------------------------------
If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.
------------------------------------------------------------
If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
Or some joker who is slicker,
Will trick you of your liquor,
If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
------------------------------------------------------------
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
-- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
------------------------------------------------------------
If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens
tomorrow!
------------------------------------------------------------
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.
-- Earl Wilson
------------------------------------------------------------
If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
-- Arthur Kasspe
------------------------------------------------------------
If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
shopping center in the world?
-- Richard M. Nixon
------------------------------------------------------------
If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
shopping center in the world?
-- Richard Nixon
------------------------------------------------------------
If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would
be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call
you to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw
another party next year.
What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one ...
If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless
your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas through
your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure that they
don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone,
your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
------------------------------------------------------------
If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them
end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
-- "Graffiti in the Big Ten"
------------------------------------------------------------
"If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything."
-- A. L.
------------------------------------------------------------
If you want divine justice, die.
-- Nick Seldon
------------------------------------------------------------
If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people
he gave it to.
-- Dorthy Parker
------------------------------------------------------------
If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the
Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's
statecraft. Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone
directory containing listings for all the organizations with titles beginning
with the word "National".
-- George Will
------------------------------------------------------------
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.
------------------------------------------------------------
"If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it,
even if they don't know what it means."
-- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party"
------------------------------------------------------------
If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.
------------------------------------------------------------
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow
morning, sleep late.
-- Henny Youngman
------------------------------------------------------------
If you're happy, you're successful.
------------------------------------------------------------
If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs
around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace
explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The "professional"
arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and deposits a large quantity
of tools and two assistants who spend the better part of the week in your
basement whacking objects at random with heavy wrenches, after which the
"professional" returns and gives you a bill for slightly more money than
it would cost you to run a successful campaign for the U.S. Senate. And
that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself.
You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I.
How difficult can it be?"
Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible, which
is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying other
people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up yourself for
far less money. This article can help you.
-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
------------------------------------------------------------
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
------------------------------------------------------------
If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
-- Benjamin Disraeli
------------------------------------------------------------
If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
------------------------------------------------------------
"If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round
it off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe?"
-- Douglas Adams "Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy"
------------------------------------------------------------
If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
-- Ronald Reagan
------------------------------------------------------------
Ignisecond, n.:
The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car
door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
------------------------------------------------------------
Iles's Law:
There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly
at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it.
Neither will Iles.
------------------------------------------------------------
Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the
land He's trying to ignore.
------------------------------------------------------------
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
-- Jules de Gaultier
------------------------------------------------------------
"Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the
usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody
thinks of complaining."
-- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal
------------------------------------------------------------
Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer.
It has a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 gigabytes of disk
storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on
voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300.
What's the first question that the computer community asks?
"Is it PC compatible?"
------------------------------------------------------------
Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
-- Jack Paar
------------------------------------------------------------
Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
-- Edgar A. Shoaff
------------------------------------------------------------
Impartial, adj.:
Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing
either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
------------------------------------------------------------
Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
Boss is reading it.
------------------------------------------------------------
Impossible, adj.:
(1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve; (2)
I can't be bothered; (3) God can't be bothered. Meaning (3) may perhaps
be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck.
-- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
------------------------------------------------------------
In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of
stairs.
------------------------------------------------------------
In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles.
------------------------------------------------------------
In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't
get parts.
------------------------------------------------------------
In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper.
The creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.
------------------------------------------------------------
In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred
syrup.
------------------------------------------------------------
In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.
Only we can't control when the five year period will begin.
------------------------------------------------------------
In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, junior,
what are you up to?"
"I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the rabbit.
"Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!"
"Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the rabbit's
dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression
on his face.
Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?"
"I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour
wolves."
"Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?"
"Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes
out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw.
Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody should
have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting next to some
bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox.
The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important --
it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
------------------------------------------------------------
In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth"
Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex.
-- Frank Mankiewicz
------------------------------------------------------------
In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
-- Mark Twain
------------------------------------------------------------
In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground
with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call
this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf.
------------------------------------------------------------
In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so
sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All
those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the devil
gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up as a human
sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you.
-- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
------------------------------------------------------------
In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just
one of the risks he takes.
-- Adlai Stevenson
------------------------------------------------------------
In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own incompetency
-- The Peter Principle
------------------------------------------------------------
In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
are to be treated as variables.
------------------------------------------------------------
"In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations
-- it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir."
-- Stuart Keate
------------------------------------------------------------
In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must
own at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
------------------------------------------------------------
In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs.
------------------------------------------------------------
In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
will be temporarily canceled.
------------------------------------------------------------
In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss
it and make it better.
------------------------------------------------------------
In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle
a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order to
get her attention.
------------------------------------------------------------
In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride
in any motor vehicle.
------------------------------------------------------------
"In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable."
-- Winston Curchill, of Montgomery
------------------------------------------------------------
In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door
neighbor.
------------------------------------------------------------
In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
------------------------------------------------------------
In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but
inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
------------------------------------------------------------
In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in
our programming languages.
------------------------------------------------------------
In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards
on the sidewalks when a concert is on.
------------------------------------------------------------
In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come
into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between
weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make
it mushy.
-- Mark Twain
------------------------------------------------------------
In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in
your pocket.
------------------------------------------------------------
In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any
pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while either
flying or waiting to board a plane.
------------------------------------------------------------
In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red flag
to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
------------------------------------------------------------
In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent
as to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the
speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
------------------------------------------------------------
"In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create
the universe."
-- Carl Sagan, Cosmos
------------------------------------------------------------
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence
is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of
office.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
------------------------------------------------------------
In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds
and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.
------------------------------------------------------------
In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying
of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public
view."
------------------------------------------------------------
In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
Our asymptotes no longer out of phase,
We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
------------------------------------------------------------
In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that
is over six feet in length.
------------------------------------------------------------
In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way.
-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
------------------------------------------------------------
"In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian."
------------------------------------------------------------
In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
------------------------------------------------------------
In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from
a moving automobile.
------------------------------------------------------------
[In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ...
You could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal
sense that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ...
And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave ....
So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in
Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost
see the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and rolled
back.
-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning was the word.
But by the time the second word was added to it,
there was trouble.
For with it came syntax ...
-- John Simon
------------------------------------------------------------
In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he
sat hacking at the PDP-6. "What are you doing?", asked Minsky.
"I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe."
"Why is the net wired randomly?", asked Minsky. "I do not want it
to have any preconceptions of how to play." Minsky shut his eyes.
"Why do you close your eyes?", Sussman asked his teacher. "So the
room will be empty." At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.
------------------------------------------------------------
In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
the proper order then why can't he?
------------------------------------------------------------
In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful
Dead.
-- Egyptian Book of the Dead
------------------------------------------------------------
In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
-- Alan Perlis
------------------------------------------------------------
In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep
or a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and
gave it to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable
by forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If
you stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches,
although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch
you.
-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
------------------------------------------------------------
In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in
the Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million
three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years
from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ...
There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome
returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
-- Mark Twain
------------------------------------------------------------
In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world
to
drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at
discotheques.
-- Art Linkletter
------------------------------------------------------------
In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently
take my advice.
-- Winston Churchill
------------------------------------------------------------
In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without
the supervision of a licensed engineer.
------------------------------------------------------------
In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse
along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months.
------------------------------------------------------------
Incumbent, n.:
Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
------------------------------------------------------------
... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves
smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat.
It is not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.
-- Stephen Crane
------------------------------------------------------------
Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
------------------------------------------------------------
Individualists unite!
------------------------------------------------------------
Infancy, n.:
The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven
lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.
-- Ambrose Bierce
------------------------------------------------------------
Information Center, n.:
A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is
to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
------------------------------------------------------------
Ingrate, n.:
A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of
indigestion.
------------------------------------------------------------
Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
-- Martin Luther King, Jr.
------------------------------------------------------------
Ink, n.:
A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual
crime.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
------------------------------------------------------------
Innovation is hard to schedule.
-- Dan Fylstra
------------------------------------------------------------
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
------------------------------------------------------------
Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the
salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
------------------------------------------------------------
Interpreter, n.:
One who enables two persons of different languages to understand
each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's
advantage for the other to have said.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
------------------------------------------------------------
Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.
------------------------------------------------------------
INVENTORY
Four be the things I am wiser to know:
Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
Four be the things I'd been better without:
Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
Three be the things I shall have till I die:
Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
------------------------------------------------------------
Iron Law of Distribution:
Them that has, gets.
------------------------------------------------------------
"Irrationality is the square root of all evil"
-- Douglas Hofstadter
------------------------------------------------------------
Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a soap
bubble?
------------------------------------------------------------
Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning
of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, and
such as are out wish to get in?
-- Ralph Emerson
------------------------------------------------------------
Is your job running? You'd better go catch it!
------------------------------------------------------------
Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
listen to weather forecasts and economists?
-- Kelvin Throop III
------------------------------------------------------------
Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune tellers
take economists seriously?
------------------------------------------------------------
Issawi's Laws of Progress:
The Course of Progress:
Most things get steadily worse.
The Path of Progress:
A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
------------------------------------------------------------
It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working
as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that
he had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked,
"What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed
Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival
came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer
this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did
the Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or
so. To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's
your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked,
"Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?"
------------------------------------------------------------
It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The
clown came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest
and applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder.
So I think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all
the wits, who believe that it is a joke.
------------------------------------------------------------
It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is
thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have
drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
------------------------------------------------------------
It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I
have been searching for evidence which could support this.
-- Bertrand Russell
------------------------------------------------------------
It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
------------------------------------------------------------
It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program.
What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing thoughts,
devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical?
-- Alan Perlis
------------------------------------------------------------
It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of
Urbana, Illinois.
------------------------------------------------------------
It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents
will not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves
and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like
mature human beings ...
-- Playboy, January 1983
------------------------------------------------------------
It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's
a pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the
sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
-- Voltaire
------------------------------------------------------------
It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what
they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed
that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much
-- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins had ever
done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely,
the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than
man -- for precisely the same reasons.
Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending
destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to
lert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were misinterpreted
...
-- Douglas Admas "The Hitch-Hikers' Guide To The Galaxy"
------------------------------------------------------------
It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be
coming up it.
-- Henry Allen
------------------------------------------------------------
It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such
luck? One in a million, perhaps.
------------------------------------------------------------
It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark
------------------------------------------------------------
It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits:
freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.
-- Mark Twain
------------------------------------------------------------
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive
and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing
rabbits singing about toilet paper.
-- Rod Serling
------------------------------------------------------------
"It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it
is lightly greased."
-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
------------------------------------------------------------
It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country
its proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community
a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to
treat your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the focus
of attention, the harder the task.
-- Sydney J. Harris
------------------------------------------------------------
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice
versa.
------------------------------------------------------------
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
------------------------------------------------------------
It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct
one.
------------------------------------------------------------
It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
------------------------------------------------------------
It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood
Boulevard at one time.
------------------------------------------------------------
It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.
------------------------------------------------------------
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry
a tune.
-- Woody Allen
------------------------------------------------------------
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
------------------------------------------------------------
It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable,
as one's hat keeps blowing off.
-- Woody Allen
------------------------------------------------------------
It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our
offense consists in doubting it.
-- Justice Robert H. Jackson
------------------------------------------------------------
It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about
the problem.
------------------------------------------------------------
It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be privileged
to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to corrupt the
youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.
-- George Bernard Shaw
------------------------------------------------------------
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
-- Gore Vidal
------------------------------------------------------------
It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one
damn thing over and over.
-- Edna St. Vincent Millay
------------------------------------------------------------
It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
-- Elizabeth Carpenter
------------------------------------------------------------
It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into
a pit.
------------------------------------------------------------
It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
virginity could be a virtue.
-- Voltaire
------------------------------------------------------------
It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their
dignity.
------------------------------------------------------------
It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not
dared to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great.
-- Havelock Ellis
------------------------------------------------------------
It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to students
that have had prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are
mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
-- Dijkstra
------------------------------------------------------------
It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while
the lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
high as the eagle?
------------------------------------------------------------
It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve
a statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious
to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look,
which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is
the highest of arts.
-- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live"
------------------------------------------------------------
It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad
crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until
the other has gone.
------------------------------------------------------------
It is the business of little minds to shrink.
-- Carl Sandburg
------------------------------------------------------------
It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
-- Hawkwind
------------------------------------------------------------
It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes
for five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity.
But it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
------------------------------------------------------------
It is very difficult to prophesy, especially when it pertains to the
future.
------------------------------------------------------------
It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
------------------------------------------------------------
It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too
good either if you speak when your head is empty.
------------------------------------------------------------
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning
to others.
------------------------------------------------------------
It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the
flag.
------------------------------------------------------------
It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the municipality.
-- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio
------------------------------------------------------------
"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous."
-- Robert Benchly
------------------------------------------------------------
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
------------------------------------------------------------
"It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set
foot."
------------------------------------------------------------
It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breeze
was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ...
-- James Dent
------------------------------------------------------------
"It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day.
Perhaps I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher
it. I don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which
I knew) and the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular
and a perpetual charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never
loses its novelty .... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten,
but yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable
man a lifetime."
-- Thomas Aldrich
------------------------------------------------------------
It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers.
The thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating under their
heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting icepacks.
-- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
------------------------------------------------------------
It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. It was more
like the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.
------------------------------------------------------------
It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is
on the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
------------------------------------------------------------
It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human
nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant
examples.
-- Charles Dickens
------------------------------------------------------------
It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing
warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or two
things still safe to eat.
-- Robert Fuoss
------------------------------------------------------------
It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
-- Andrew Jackson
------------------------------------------------------------
"It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear."
------------------------------------------------------------
It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
------------------------------------------------------------
"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it."
-- Steven Wright
------------------------------------------------------------
"It's a summons."
"What's a summons?"
"It means summon's in trouble."
-- Rocky and Bullwinkle
------------------------------------------------------------
It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.
------------------------------------------------------------
"It's bad luck to be superstitious."
-- Andrew W. Mathis
------------------------------------------------------------
It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
-- Marty Winch
------------------------------------------------------------
"It's easier said than done."
... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
done".
------------------------------------------------------------
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
------------------------------------------------------------
It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for
being right.
------------------------------------------------------------
"It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last
half an hour!"
-- Macy's
------------------------------------------------------------
It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.
------------------------------------------------------------
It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it
is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't
her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours
and theirs.
-- Oxford University Press, Edpress News
------------------------------------------------------------
It's just a jump to the left
And then a step to the right.
Put your hands on your hips
And pull your knees in tight.
It's the pelvic thrust
That really gets you insa-a-a-a-ane
LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!
-- Rocky Horror Picture Show
------------------------------------------------------------
"It's kind of fun to do the impossible."
-- Walt Disney
------------------------------------------------------------
"It's Like This"
Even the samurai
have teddy bears,
and even the teddy bears
get drunk.
------------------------------------------------------------
It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong
direction.
------------------------------------------------------------
"It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
------------------------------------------------------------
It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre.
-- Sam Goldwyn
------------------------------------------------------------
It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows
how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
-- George Burns
------------------------------------------------------------
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
-- Phil White
------------------------------------------------------------
"It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either."
-- Kevin White, mayor of Boston
------------------------------------------------------------
It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
-- Alexander Korda
------------------------------------------------------------
"It's not just a computer -- it's your ass."
-- Cal Keegan
------------------------------------------------------------
It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's
what you're taking for it...
------------------------------------------------------------
It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off
the ground.
-- Daniel B. Luten
------------------------------------------------------------
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there
when it happens.
-- Woody Allen
------------------------------------------------------------
It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips.
-- Garfield
------------------------------------------------------------
It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that English
is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many other languages
"You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.
-- Sydney J. Harris
------------------------------------------------------------
It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...
------------------------------------------------------------
It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
------------------------------------------------------------
It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in
the Devil when he is the only explanation of it.
------------------------------------------------------------
It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon.
Which raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody
not to.
-- Franklin P. Jones
------------------------------------------------------------
It's the thought, if any, that counts!