| SYMPTOM: |
Feet cold and wet. |
| FAULT: |
Glass being held at incorrect
angle. |
| ACTION: |
Rotate glass so that open
end points toward ceiling. |
| |
| SYMPTOM: |
Beer unusually pale and
tasteless. |
| FAULT: |
Glass empty. |
| ACTION: |
Get someone to buy you
another beer. |
| |
| SYMPTOM: |
Opposite wall covered with
fluorescent lights. |
| FAULT: |
You have fallen over backward. |
| ACTION: |
Have yourself lashed to
bar. |
| |
| SYMPTOM: |
Mouth contains cigarette
butts. |
| FAULT: |
You have fallen forward. |
| ACTION: |
See above. |
| |
| SYMPTOM: |
Beer tasteless, front of
your shirt is wet. |
| FAULT: |
Mouth not open, or glass
applied to wrong part of face. |
| ACTION: |
Retire to restroom, practice
in mirror. |
| |
| SYMPTOM: |
Feet warm and wet. |
| FAULT: |
Improper bladder control. |
| ACTION: |
Stand next to nearest dog,
complain about his house training. |
| |
| SYMPTOM: |
Floor blurred. |
| FAULT: |
You are looking through
bottom of empty glass. |
| ACTION: |
Get someone to buy you
another beer. |
| |
| SYMPTOM: |
Floor moving. |
| FAULT: |
You are being carried out. |
| ACTION: |
Find out if you are being
taken to another bar. |
| |
| SYMPTOM: |
Room seems unusually dark. |
| FAULT: |
Bar has closed. |
| ACTION: |
Confirm home address with
bartender. |
| |
| SYMPTOM: |
Taxi suddenly takes on
colorful aspect and textures. |
| FAULT: |
Beer consumption has exceeded
personal limitations. |
| ACTION: |
Cover mouth |