Hints & Hoaxes
Dry skin problems? Wear your clothes
straight from the washing machine.
|If you think you
are watching too much television watch it for at least two
hours a day more then you can be sure you are.
|An alarm clock
doubles up as a good wrist watch for long sighted people
when used in conjunction with an elastic band.
||Never read the
instructions for a new kettle. It shows a lack of
intelligence if you do. Only when you have blown the kettle up
should you read the instructions.
|Don't prey on
people weaker than yourself. They generally won't stay still
while you kneel on them.
||If you have
waited for ages at a crowded bar being ignored by the bar
staff then, at last, they come to serve you tell them irately to
"SHOVE OFF"! You don't get a drink but it's a very satisfying
|If you're crying
and don't want anyone to know it put some dark glasses and
headphones on. People will think you are listening and singing
along to a Sony Walkman.
from flatulence wait until you're with a crowd of people
before letting go. Everyone will still know it was you.
|If your T.V
remote control fails use a long stout wooden pole instead to
press the buttons. It works equally well and isn't damaged if you
pour a cup of tea over it.
were made using epoxy resin....but why not use a good
|If you enjoy
intricate, delicate jobs try doing them with boxing gloves
on thus adding to your enjoyment by making the task take infinitely
travelling in the down direction in a lift jump up slightly,
but noticeably, when it stops. This makes people think they've gone
the wrong way. You can use the opposite procedure when going
you start to mow the lawn run over and sever the mains lead
straight away. That way you won't have to cut the grass for
as many weeks as you can get away with not mending it. When you
finally bodge the lead back together you can run over it all over
again. Don't forget to convincingly exclaim, "Blast!!" or some
other expletive each time you do it. N.B. won't work with petrol or
hand driven type mowers
|When you are in
a boat, fill a bowl or bucket full of water then throw it
overboard bit by bit using a cup. This makes people think you are
||Take a pair of
oars with you into the water until roughly waist deep. This
makes people think your boat has sunk.
|To clear a
passage for a wheelchair, mount forward facing meat skewers
on the footrests to act as calf prods. Also fix Bodicea type blades
facing out from the axles. Remember to take them off indoors
because they'll also work well on furniture.
along the High Street be careful not to walk too close to
the edge and fall off.
the correct way to swear by making them wallpaper the lounge
(especially around the window). It worked with mine.
||Dog owners: Next
time your dog squats in the middle of the pavement turn your
back, look vacantly around, and pretend the dog is nothing to do
with you. The lead attached to your hand should make no difference
to your attitude.
|What's the use
of a disabled toilet? One that works is what's needed.
your teeth properly. First brush all round the fronts
horizontally and then vertically. Repeat both operations for the
backs. Brush thoroughly along the tops and finally use a good
mouthwash. When this is all done pop the teeth back into your
|If you want to
feel warm this winter turn the heating off. On cold days
anyone coming into the house will agree that, compared to room
temperature, you feel warm. (Get it?)
||There are two
ways you can tell if you're getting old. One is by realising
how many times you repeat yourself and the other is by realising
how many times you repeat yourself.
|Avoid junk mail
and bills by installing another letter box some distance
below the one already there. Connect the lower one to the upper one
with a 'U' shaped chute. Imagine the postman's surprise and
frustration as the letter he's trying to deliver keeps landing at
||To stop cats
frightening the birds away from the garden put a stuffed
vulture on the patio. The birds will overcome their fear of it but
a cat won't. A cat isn't bright or strong enough to drag a stuffed
leopard over the fence to scare off the stuffed vulture.
|According to a radio station I was listening to this is
true. Someone in America ran an advertisement in the paper asking
people to send him $10. In return for this he promised to send
absolutely nothing. The strange thing is that so far he had taken
$2,400. How daft can people be I thought, sending money so they
could receive absolutely nothing for it! But then perhaps it isn't
as daft as it sounds. How many of us have sent money of for items
advertised in the paper or on the Internet and then spent the next few weeks wondering if
or when the goods will arrive. If you send this chap some money it
would take all the worry out of it. You'd know for sure that
nothing was going to arrive. It would just set your mind right at
ease. I reckon he's found a niche in the market. I think I'll send
him some cash myself.
|When you go to
live and work in another country they make it clear that you
must have a Visa. Even in quite rugged places like Africa you still
have to have one. Surely it would be better to have a Land Rover in
some cases rather than being forced to drive a Citroen all
||If I was a world
leader there's one place I'd never go to when I retire. It's
called Eggs Isle. Former presidents, world leaders etc., seem to
die in Eggs Isle quite regularly.
|If you are an
avid reader read this:- There, that's a good
version isn't it?
manufacturers are going to cease building a seedy ROM into
their machines and start using a better one.
|Can you make something out of
the symbol on the right that you have with dinner:-
The answer is gravy. Explanation: grey V
||If you go to
look for something upstairs but when you get there you can't
remember what it was, try moving everything from downstairs to
upstairs. Then when you go upstairs to get something the article is
sure to be there.
|Whilst out driving a situation develops and it becomes
obvious that a collision with another vehicle is, on balance and
weighing up all the variables, probably unavoidable. Do you:-
1. Brake hard and swerve unpredictably
and make other drivers to do the same. Thus becoming the instigator
of a major pile up reported on local TV News.
2. Brake hard keeping a straight course
and resign yourself to the inevitable 'kerrunch'.
3. Don't brake at all. Take your hands
off the wheel, throw them in front of your face in a fending off
sort of fashion and shout, "Aaarrrrgh" like actors do in films and
hope for a better outcome than they had.
4. None of these.
The answer is of course 'None of these'. By the time you've got to
this stage nothing is likely to do any good anyway.
|Figure this out. You pick up yesterdays pants from the
bedroom floor and find they're inside out. Now, before putting them
in the wash you might wish to put them how they ought to be with
the seams on the inside. So holding them up with the label towards
you (the right way round) spread the waistband and give them a
flick of the wrists. Voilé! The desired effect takes place
and they're not inside out anymore... but amazingly, as if by
magic, the action has also turned them back to front! Why do they
do that? They were the right way round when they were inside out.
Try this out for yourselves then apply to join the Magic
you need a specialist job doing always use an out of date
copy of the local trades directory. One year old is OK but two is
better. Anyone who is good at their work will still be operational
under the same telephone number. This practise is unfortunate for
new businesses struggling to achieve a good reputation, but I had
to suffer so why shouldn't they?