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for sites covering:- |
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The Royal Air Force - Gliding - Disability - Greyhounds - Online quizzes - Web site design... |
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Hints & Hoaxes |
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Dry skin problems? Wear your clothes straight from the washing machine. |
If you think you are watching too much television watch it for at least two hours a day more then you can be sure you are. | ||
| An alarm clock doubles up as a good wrist watch for long sighted people when used in conjunction with an elastic band. | Never read the instructions for a new kettle. It shows a lack of intelligence if you do. Only when you have blown the kettle up should you read the instructions. | ||
| Don't prey on people weaker than yourself. They generally won't stay still while you kneel on them. | If you have waited for ages at a crowded bar being ignored by the bar staff then, at last, they come to serve you tell them irately to "SHOVE OFF"! You don't get a drink but it's a very satisfying feeling. | ||
| If you're crying and don't want anyone to know it put some dark glasses and headphones on. People will think you are listening and singing along to a Sony Walkman. | When suffering from flatulence wait until you're with a crowd of people before letting go. Everyone will still know it was you. | ||
| If your T.V remote control fails use a long stout wooden pole instead to press the buttons. It works equally well and isn't damaged if you pour a cup of tea over it. | The sculptures were made using epoxy resin....but why not use a good one? | ||
| If you enjoy intricate, delicate jobs try doing them with boxing gloves on thus adding to your enjoyment by making the task take infinitely longer. | When you're travelling in the down direction in a lift jump up slightly, but noticeably, when it stops. This makes people think they've gone the wrong way. You can use the opposite procedure when going up. | ||
| When you start to mow the lawn run over and sever the mains lead straight away. That way you won't have to cut the grass for as many weeks as you can get away with not mending it. When you finally bodge the lead back together you can run over it all over again. Don't forget to convincingly exclaim, "Blast!!" or some other expletive each time you do it. N.B. won't work with petrol or hand driven type mowers | |||
| When you are in a boat, fill a bowl or bucket full of water then throw it overboard bit by bit using a cup. This makes people think you are sinking. | Take a pair of oars with you into the water until roughly waist deep. This makes people think your boat has sunk. | ||
| To clear a passage for a wheelchair, mount forward facing meat skewers on the footrests to act as calf prods. Also fix Bodicea type blades facing out from the axles. Remember to take them off indoors because they'll also work well on furniture. | Whilst walking along the High Street be careful not to walk too close to the edge and fall off. | ||
| Teach children the correct way to swear by making them wallpaper the lounge (especially around the window). It worked with mine. | Dog owners: Next time your dog squats in the middle of the pavement turn your back, look vacantly around, and pretend the dog is nothing to do with you. The lead attached to your hand should make no difference to your attitude. | ||
| What's the use of a disabled toilet? One that works is what's needed. | Always clean your teeth properly. First brush all round the fronts horizontally and then vertically. Repeat both operations for the backs. Brush thoroughly along the tops and finally use a good mouthwash. When this is all done pop the teeth back into your mouth. | ||
| If you want to feel warm this winter turn the heating off. On cold days anyone coming into the house will agree that, compared to room temperature, you feel warm. (Get it?) | There are two ways you can tell if you're getting old. One is by realising how many times you repeat yourself and the other is by realising how many times you repeat yourself. | ||
| Avoid junk mail and bills by installing another letter box some distance below the one already there. Connect the lower one to the upper one with a 'U' shaped chute. Imagine the postman's surprise and frustration as the letter he's trying to deliver keeps landing at his feet! | To stop cats frightening the birds away from the garden put a stuffed vulture on the patio. The birds will overcome their fear of it but a cat won't. A cat isn't bright or strong enough to drag a stuffed leopard over the fence to scare off the stuffed vulture. | ||
| According to a radio station I was listening to this is true. Someone in America ran an advertisement in the paper asking people to send him $10. In return for this he promised to send absolutely nothing. The strange thing is that so far he had taken $2,400. How daft can people be I thought, sending money so they could receive absolutely nothing for it! But then perhaps it isn't as daft as it sounds. How many of us have sent money of for items advertised in the paper or on the Internet and then spent the next few weeks wondering if or when the goods will arrive. If you send this chap some money it would take all the worry out of it. You'd know for sure that nothing was going to arrive. It would just set your mind right at ease. I reckon he's found a niche in the market. I think I'll send him some cash myself. | |||
| When you go to live and work in another country they make it clear that you must have a Visa. Even in quite rugged places like Africa you still have to have one. Surely it would be better to have a Land Rover in some cases rather than being forced to drive a Citroen all the time. | If I was a world leader there's one place I'd never go to when I retire. It's called Eggs Isle. Former presidents, world leaders etc., seem to die in Eggs Isle quite regularly. | ||
If you are an
avid reader read this:-  There, that's a good
version isn't it? |
Computers manufacturers are going to cease building a seedy ROM into their machines and start using a better one. | ||
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If you go to look for something upstairs but when you get there you can't remember what it was, try moving everything from downstairs to upstairs. Then when you go upstairs to get something the article is sure to be there. | ||
| Whilst out driving a situation develops and it becomes
obvious that a collision with another vehicle is, on balance and
weighing up all the variables, probably unavoidable. Do you:- 1. Brake hard and swerve unpredictably and make other drivers to do the same. Thus becoming the instigator of a major pile up reported on local TV News. 2. Brake hard keeping a straight course and resign yourself to the inevitable 'kerrunch'. 3. Don't brake at all. Take your hands off the wheel, throw them in front of your face in a fending off sort of fashion and shout, "Aaarrrrgh" like actors do in films and hope for a better outcome than they had. 4. None of these. The answer is of course 'None of these'. By the time you've got to this stage nothing is likely to do any good anyway. |
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| Figure this out. You pick up yesterdays pants from the bedroom floor and find they're inside out. Now, before putting them in the wash you might wish to put them how they ought to be with the seams on the inside. So holding them up with the label towards you (the right way round) spread the waistband and give them a flick of the wrists. Voilé! The desired effect takes place and they're not inside out anymore... but amazingly, as if by magic, the action has also turned them back to front! Why do they do that? They were the right way round when they were inside out. Try this out for yourselves then apply to join the Magic Circle. | |||
| When you need a specialist job doing always use an out of date copy of the local trades directory. One year old is OK but two is better. Anyone who is good at their work will still be operational under the same telephone number. This practise is unfortunate for new businesses struggling to achieve a good reputation, but I had to suffer so why shouldn't they? | |||
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