Themes Familiar Secret Garden of Grave Humour

Themes Familiar

Secret Garden of GRAVE HUMOUR

Genealogical Humour

"There's an awful lot of merging going on"
A song of complicated affairs and mixed relations

I'm My Own Grandpa (authors: Lonzo and Oscar)

... It sounds funny, I know, But it really is so,
... Oh, I'm my own grandpa. I'm my own grandpa. I'm my own grandpa.
... It sounds funny, I know, But it really is so,
... Oh, I'm my own grandpa.
Now many, many years ago, when I was twenty-three,
I was married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, and soon they, too, were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life,
My daughter was my mother, cause she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matter, even though it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became a brother-in-law to Dad,
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother
Of the widow's grown-up daughter, who, of course, was my stepmother.
Father's wife then had a son who kept him on the run,
And he became my grandchild, for he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother, and it makes me blue,
Because, although she is my wife, she's my grandmother, too.
Now if my wife is my grandmother, then I'm her grandchild,
And every time I think of it, it nearly drives me wild,
For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw
As husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!
... 'm my own grandpa.
... I'm my own grandpa.
... It sounds funny, I know, but it really is so,
... Oh, I'm my own grandpa.

If you would like to hear the musical accompaniment for this song please click on this link:

Grandad

"As husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!"

Tombstone

R.I.P.

I told you I was sick

Spike Milligan has requested
"I told you I was sick"
on his gravestone.
His wish has not yet been fulfilled.

GRAVE HUMOUR - A Genealogy Epitaph Collection
Lester Moore was a Wells Fargo Co. station agent, and is buried at Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44 - No Les No More.
At Rest ...
Beneath this stone my wife doth lie
Now she's at rest and so am I.
Epitaph for a Dentist:
Stranger! Approach this spot with gravity.
John Brown is filling his last cavity.
A marker in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
Here lies the body of our dead Anna
gone to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that dealt the blow
But the skin of the thing that laid her low!
In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery (to Anna Wallace):
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
The following 2 verses, supposedly from tombstones, came from an amateur paper called The Roadrunner in March 1982, published by Merry B and John Harris.
Anna Shultz was antiseptic;
Terrified of dirt and germs
She kept her house super-clean,
But now sleeps with dust and worms
Marie Gibbs caught mononucleosis
From a boy named Sid.
Mono didn't kill her --
Sid's girl friend did.

This was found on a tombstone buried deep in the grass.
Upon pushing the grass aside, it read:
Pause, stranger, when you pass me by,
For as you are, so once was I.
As I am now, so will you be.
Then prepare unto death, and follow me.
Pushing the grass aside a bit more, the following was found scratched on the stone with a crude instrument:
To follow you I'm not content
Until I know which way you went!

A Selection of Humorous Genealogical Tales

A Tactfully Told Tale ...
The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.
They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose - how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book appeared. It said "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."

A Rose by any other name ...
"Several years ago I was asked to check up on an ancestor's details. I found him in the census listed as "a lavatory attendant." How was I going to pass on this information to a lady who was a prominent person in our local community?
I felt quite embarrassed but a friend came up with a brilliant idea.
"Tell her he was "A Sanitation Environmentalist." Doesn't that sounds so much better?"

Surrogation ...
A modern mother was explaining to her little girl about pictures in the family photo album.
The mother said, "This is the geneticist with your surrogate mother and here's your sperm donor and your father's clone. This is me holding you when you were just a frozen embryo."
"Who is that?" asked the daughter.
"Oh," answered the mother, "The lady with the very troubled look on her face is your aunt. She's the family genealogist!"

His Legacy Endures Even After Death ...
There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Cokey" has died.
What was really horrible is that they had trouble putting the body in the casket.
They put his left leg in and then ... well, you get the picture!

Ghosts!! ...
Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?
" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

I forget ...
An elderly gent was invited to his old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his friend preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms - Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."

Electric Chair
"Great-uncle George
occupied a chair of applied electronics ...
and his death came as a great shock"

Dogs Family Research
"So far, I've discovered -
I was in a litter of 8,
and my mother's name was Fluffy.!"

Ghost from the Grave
"Those fools! ...
They misspelled my name!"

Exploding Man
When he died, he left a fifteen foot hole
in the wall of the crematorium.

Large Family
"How many children do you have?" he said.

Skeleton in Closet
"Get rid of the skeleton in your closet."

More Humorous Genealogical Tales

Holy Smoke!
A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.
When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Out of the mouths of babes...
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
Enough is Enough
A census taker walked up to a woman who was sitting on a porch. After introducing himself, he said, "How many children do you have?"
The woman answered, "Four."
The census taker asked, "May I have their names, please?"
The woman replied, "Eenie, Meenie, Minie, and George."
Confused, the census taker said, "May I ask why you named your fourth child 'George'?"
"Surely, because we didn't want any Moe."

Where on Earth...?
The teacher of the geography class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked,
"Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude . . .?"
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered,
"I guess you'd be eating alone."

With age comes experience …
A modern young girl in Edinburgh remarked
"What I find wonderful is how my grandmother learned all the things she keeps telling me to avoid."

Keeping it Quiet …
There is a saying in Scotland that it costs you nothing to find out who your ancestors are, but is costs a fortune to keep it quiet.

Skeletons in Cupboards …
George Bernard Shaw is reputed to have quipped: "If you cannot get rid of the skeleton in your closet, teach it how to dance."