What does FBI stand for?

 

  

 

“Now,” said Sam, “What does FBI stand for?”

 

Her words were followed by silence. Then Jack belched.

 

“Full of Beer – Indigestion.” he said, belching again.

 

“Was that an answer to my question, or a statement of fact, Sir?” Sam asked. She drained her glass and poured the dregs of the bottle into it.

 

“Feeling Bad – Ill.” said Jack.

 

“Colonel?” Janet sat up and looked at him. “What’s wrong?”

 

“Funny Bilious Intestines” replied Jack. The two women moved nearer to him.

 

“Do you want to throw up Sir? Do you need help to go to the bathroom?”

 

“Find Bathroom Immediately” replied Jack.

 

Daniel had now realised what was going on, and burst out laughing. (Only Daniel after the best part of three bottles of wine would find this funny).

“Funny Boy – Intelligent” he giggled.

 

“Fine – Bought It!” Jack nodded, swigging his beer. Janet snorted in disgust and went and curled back up in the armchair in the corner.

 

“Find Better Ideas” added Daniel, reaching out for his glass.

 

“Females Blame Intuition” said Jack, raising one eyebrow at Teal’c, who had suddenly realised what was going on.

 

“Fear Being Interrupted.” The big man said, inclining his head.

 

“Fine, Boys – Idiots!” said Sam, who had realised what was going on quite some time ago, but had chosen to ignore it.

 

“Fairly Brilliant Idiots” said Daniel.

 

“Fairly Bad Intoxication” added Sam, “Feeling Barely Incontrol.”

 

“Cheat!” said Daniel. “Feeling Brilliant and Inspired?”

 

Sam nodded. “Finding Booze Indirectly Freeing Brain’s Inspirational Focus By Intoxication.”

 

“Ooh impressive!” said Jack. He watched the two scientists in his team squaring up for battle. Sam had slipped down onto the floor opposite Daniel. The two of them were sat either side of the coffee table, each with a bottle of wine close at hand. Two pairs of blue eyes flashed at each other. Daniel took up the challenge that Sam had silently issued with her triumphant grin.

 

“Fair Battle? I Feel Bad Indiscriminately Fighting – Bleeding Inside. Fair Babe… “ Daniel noticed Jack laughing at him. ”Ingrate!”

 

“Oh you and Carter are having way too much fun with this, Danny-boy. Waaay too much fun! Hey Doc!” he yelled at Janet who had dozed off again. “Ready to put these two super brains to shame?”

 

“Hmmm?” Janet struggled to get her mind in gear. “What?” She closed her eyes again.

 

Jack looked at the more than slightly dopey doctor and decided that he was getting no help there.

“Right you two – we’re taking this game back to a level where those of us with NORMAL brains can join in. Your verbal arm wrestling is no fun for the rest of us.”

 

“Jack! We weren’t…” Daniel tailed off as he looked at Sam “We were, weren’t we?” She nodded.

 

“Right, you want the stuff for jello-brains?” said Sam, “Fuzzy Bear Investigates!”

 

“Jello-brains? I’m insulted Carter! That’s no way to talk about your CO…” Jack stuck his bottom lip out in a pout.

 

“Fickle Balding Interns” said Daniel.

 

“Funny Bunnies Incorporated” said Sam

 

“Interns – sounds medical – how about Freaking Big Injections?” said Jack, having decided that sulking had gained him neither sympathy nor an apology.

 

“Farting British Insults.”

 

“Trust you to drag the tone back down to the gutter, Daniel!” complained Sam. “Find Better Idioms.”

 

“Okay. Felicitations Bringing Ingenuity.”

 

“Stop using big words Daniel – Teal’c here doesn’t understand them!”

 

Teal’c raised one eyebrow and looked at Jack in a quizzical manner. “On the contrary, O’Neill, I can understand perf…”

 

“Shut up Teal’c!” hissed Jack out of the side of his mouth. “Danny’s got a whole dictionary stuffed in his head – the rest of us don’t stand a chance!”

 

“Fumble, Bumble and Incompetent!” said Daniel.

 

“Fun Being Intoxicated” replied Sam.

 

“Flying By Intuition”, added Teal’c.

 

“French Badly Interpreted” added Daniel, reading the label on a bottle of wine.

 

“Free Beer In kitchen” said Jack, waving his nearly empty bottle at the room in general.

 

“Alright, I’ll go,” said Daniel. He got to his feet and stood swaying gently for a moment, before clumsily picking his way across the room, narrowly avoiding the empty bottles and glasses strewn across the floor. 

 

“Fine Butt In Flannel Boxers Indubitably.” murmured Sam, watching his six.

 

“Carter, you shouldn’t be looking.” said Jack, shaking his head.

 

Daniel reappeared, carrying more wine, beer and a couple of bottles of cola, which he gave to Teal’c. One was already open.

“I spiked it with vodka, “ he muttered to Sam as he fell back down onto the floor next to her. “He might not notice, but I thought he was way too sober.”

 

“Is that a good idea?”

 

“Dunno. Find out later.”  He poured a large amount of white wine into Sam’s glass, and then topped up his half-drunk red with white, turning the liquid pink. In the meantime, Teal’c quietly put the opened bottle of cola, untouched, on the floor next to the couch, and proceeded to drink the other. No one noticed, they were all way too drunk.

 

Janet suddenly woke up, and looked at them all, bleary eyed.

“Still on FBI?”

 

“Yup.”

 

“Flea Bites Itching. Find Boils Internally. Feed Back Incursion” she yawned and went back to sleep.

 

“How does she do that?” demanded Jack.

 

“Female Bedtime Invention,” said Daniel, “pretend to be asleep and listen to what’s going on.”

 

“Frighteningly Brilliant Interpretation.” Said Sam.

 

“Ah – so it’s true then?” asked Jack.

 

Sam just shrugged. “That would be telling.”

 

“I’ve got it,” whispered Daniel.

 

“Got what?” said Jack.

 

“What FBI stands for.”

 

“Go on.”

 

“Freedom – Beware Infiltration.”

 

“You’ve watched one too many episodes of the X-Files, Daniel.” said Sam.

 

“Now we’ve exhausted the FBI, what about CIA?” asked Jack.

 

“NO!” responded everyone else.

 

(But loudest of all was the Little Owl on the shelf).

 

 

* fin *

Love it? Hate it? Let me know either way!

Athene

 

On to Oh No - Not the CIA!